by K. S. Adkins
No letters have come, no attempts have been made and as of this morning, I relieved him of babysitting duty. I couldn’t handle his constant badgering on why we’d be a good fit and then get pissed when he couldn’t change my mind. He wasn’t listening and I’d had enough and told him so. He didn’t like it. In fact, not only did he let me have it, he said if I didn’t choose him, he wasn’t coming back.
He left and I haven’t heard from him since.
Tonight, I decided to take Tank and Shayla up on their offer to go dancing before they left town for a quick vacation. If I didn’t, I knew I’d be a drunk mess wearing a snuggie by midnight petting a dog I didn’t have. I also decided that if Loyal and Rio could leave me so easily, I might as well take my happiness where I can find it.
Even if I was in a night club when I did it.
Tomorrow.
I could get a handle on my shit, tomorrow.
Or you know, never.
‘The past has no power over the present moment.’
~Eckhart Tolle
Having four more days to go, today’s session couldn’t have been better timing. It was about forgiving others, but mostly about forgiving yourself. I realized I blamed my father for dying because that started a chain of events I had no control over. I hated my mother for being weak. I hated my brother for not having to endure the bullshit I did. Mopping up her puke, feeding them both and then watching as some stranger from the state separated me from my only brother after she died.
Searching deep, I knew I didn’t hate my mother or my brother. I can’t hate her for being so lost that she turned to drugs and alcohol to dull the pain. I can’t hate him for being adopted and for being given a good life. It wasn’t his fault that I never found a way to be happy, it was mine. He still needed to pay Rion back, but that’s nothing to hate him for. That was just an excuse for me to justify my anger toward him.
Slowly I found myself able to let the anger toward my brother go. But until I spoke to Rion and she gave me her forgiveness for how I’d treated her, I wasn’t embracing forgiving myself just yet. Despite the bullshit, I chose to place blame and live in misery instead of handling it. Pointing my finger at everyone else was easy, hiding was easier. To forgive myself for everything all at once wasn’t possible, but forgiving myself for harboring hate toward my family was the first step.
My plan was to stay here until Monday, but tonight when I called Rio at seven p.m. that plan changed. “No more calls, Loyal,” he said. “I wish you luck, but I’m done.”
“Done with what?” When there was only silence on the other end, I started to panic. “Rio explain that to me.”
“Done with you, done with her,” he said. “Done with the job, too. In case your meds are really strong, that’s me telling you I’m over all this shit.”
“Where are you?”
“On the road,” he says. “Why?”
“You left her unprotected?”
“She ain’t heard shit in over a month. She drew the line, I didn’t like it. I left.”
Hanging up on him, I was in the admissions office, signed out and in a cab headed back in less than an hour. The second my ass hit that seat I fired up my phone only to find out, it was dead.
The ride from Ann Arbor to Detroit took just over an hour with traffic. Dropping me off, I run up both flights and immediately start banging on all the doors. When she didn’t answer, I debated kicking them in, but before I did that, I went to check the garage. Just as I opened the door the garage door closes. Running back out to the front, I see her make a left and flag down the first cab I see to follow her. When she pulls into the lot, I pay the guy and follow on foot. When she pays the doorman and walks into a club called Bleu, I have to ask myself if I’m okay with this.
This was a nightclub. A place where men come to meet women. Rion believes she’s a single woman. Throwing the guy money for cover, I was going in whether I was ready or not. This was more than possibly seeing her with another guy; this was about her god damn safety. Like a magnet pulling me toward her, I spot her on the far right and time stops. She’s in a booth sipping a drink with Tank and his wife. Pushing myself in the other direction and taking a deep breath, I order a water, making sure I’m not seen. Christ, I haven’t seen her in a month and she was more beautiful than I remember. We’re in the same building yet she might as well be in another country the distance feels so vast. When a song comes on and Shayla claps her hands, Rion goes to the dance floor with her while Tank watches their drinks.
Dance music isn’t my thing so the music meant dick to me, but Rion liked it. My heart sped up watching her move gracefully, sinfully having no idea she’s actually doing it. My dick got hard when I saw what she was wearing and my fist balled up when other men noticed it too. Another song starts, this one more annoying than the last and that’s when men start approaching her. Staying where I am took effort. But I watch as she either moves away or ignores them completely, until one wouldn’t give up and grabs her from behind.
Pushing off the bar, I was ready to beat the guy’s ass and run off with her. But just before I reach her, she drops him herself. Seconds later, Tank is there and so am I.
‘Time is the longest distance between two places.’
~Tennessee Williams
Do men honestly think a woman dancing is code for this one’s up for dry humping? These idiots are why I avoid the club scene. I didn’t love it in my twenties and I didn’t like any better at thirty. Most were harmless, taking the hint before I had to say a word. However when my hips were grabbed, I was pulled backward landing on some stranger’s dick, I’d had enough.
Spinning quickly, I bring my knee up to say hello to his balls in person. Releasing me, he stumbles but tries reaching for me so that’s when I decided he needs a more personal introduction and punch him in the face. Shayla gives me a high five, Tank runs over to grab the guy, likely to kill him and then time stood still.
There he was. Chest heaving, fists clenched with fire in his eyes was my warrior, Loyal.
Unable to move from my spot, he closes the distance between us. The room fades away, the music is background only. There was no pain in my hand, but the pain in my chest is almost crippling. Taking his finger, he lifts my chin and when our eyes meet my heart beats so loud I couldn’t hear his words. The dip in my belly signals my desire coming back online with force, but he makes no move to kiss me or to touch me.
“I texted you, I called you.” I tell him, trying to find my voice.
“What?”
“Where have you been?” I find the courage to ask.
“I can’t hear you.” He mouths but I catch it.
Taking a deep breath, I yell out, “I fucking missed you! Why did you leave me like that?” right as the music cut off. I can see I caught him off guard, that he isn’t thrilled with my declaration and that stung. He stands there eyeing me but says nothing. Then he closes his eyes like he’d just made a decision he didn’t want to make and my anxiety went through the roof. Taking my hand, he leads me over to a gawking Shayla and tells her, “She’s leaving.”
“Uh---Okay?”
“By Shay,” I tell her, giving her a quick hug.
“Bye, Junior.”
Leading me off the dance floor, we clear the back exit and the second the door closes I am pressed gently against the brick wall with his mouth next to my ear. “You still love me?” he asks softly. At a loss, he leans down further to look at me. “You can’t lie when you’re drunk, so I’m asking. You still love me?”
“I’m not drunk,” I whisper while clutching his shoulders. “Wouldn’t matter if I was either. I still love you. I’ll always love you.”
“Have a cup of coffee with me?”
“Coffee?”
“I need to talk to you, someplace public.”
“You’re going to dump me in public so I don’t cause a scene, aren’t you?”
Closing his eyes in pain he rests his forehead against mine and whispers, “No, Rion. I want you
to feel safe.”
“Oh.”
“Got time?”
“Um, yeah,” I mumble extremely sad and terrified at the same time. “I’m parked over here.”
“Keys,” he says and like I’ve done dozens of times before, I drop them in his hand.
Loyal was here, he found me.
Now he wants to have coffee. At that very moment I hate coffee and being in love.
‘Don’t make decisions for her, Loyal. She’s had enough of that shit.’
~Rio
She was quiet and I didn’t push. Driving to the first spot that served coffee, we went in and once we’re seated she still won’t look at me. The server brings our coffee then leaves us in silence again. For a month now, I had it planned. I knew what I was going to say and how I wanted to say it. Right now though, the words won’t come. Reaching for the creamer, she pours some in and stirs. Watching her so closely, I almost didn’t hear her whisper.
“I was worried about you,” she says hiding her face from me. “I called or sent a text every day and I thought---”
“Rion,” I say, reaching for her hand, “I’m sorry.”
“A month, Loyal, I didn’t know where you were. If you were hurt, in trouble, met someone else or-”
“Look at me,” I beg her. “Please.”
When she looks up, I see tears simmering in her eyes and I felt my heart crack open. Fuck, she really was worried about me. “I was in the hospital---”
“Hospital?” she whispers squeezing my hand. “You were in the hospital and you didn’t call me?”
“I couldn’t, but I figured Rio would tell you where I was,” I tell her, trying to fight the pain back. That asshole really was out for himself. “I needed help, Rion. Professional help.”
“He never told me,” she says, taking her hand back. “Please give me my keys so I can go.”
“Before you go, I need to ask for your forgiveness and if you don’t want to give it, I understand.”
“You brought me to a public place to ask me for forgiveness?”
“Yes.”
“What exactly do you want forgiveness for?” she asks, crossing her arms over her chest. “Be very specific.”
“For the way I treated you,” I tell her with my heart wide open. “Emotionally and physically.”
“You’re forgiven,” she says standing up. “Now can I go?”
“If I’m forgiven, then why do you like you want to kill me right now?”
Leaning over the table she rests an arm on each side of me. “Oh I don’t know, maybe because I’m sick of being played. Or it might be that you told Rio, but I was an afterthought. Oh! Maybe it’s because I’ve cried myself to sleep every god damned night wondering where you were!”
“Rion keep your voice down,” I mumble but she isn’t listening.
“I’m not keeping shit down! If there are kids in here this late they can plug their fucking ears! You left me Loyal! No phone call, nothing. I’m reasonable, or so I’ve been told, but fuck you! You’re forgiven for the other shit but not for this. Give me my fucking keys, now.”
“I had to get my head right, Rion,” I try reasoning with her. “I could have killed you.”
“As if I would have let you!”
“You wouldn’t have been able to stop me!” I roar, kicking my chair over. When the place goes quiet, we both take the cue heading for the door. When she starts walking in the opposite direction of the car, I catch up to her and stop her from going further. “I have Post-Deployment Syndrome, Rion,” I say in a calming voice. “I needed help and I needed to do it alone.”
“I would have---”
“I know you would have, but I wasn’t taking you down with me,” I admit. “I’m not cured. This is just the beginning of a really long fucking road for me. I don’t want that for you.”
“I see,” she says, moving away from me. “What do you want for me then?”
This was the moment I fucking dreaded. It was do or die time.
‘I am prepared for the worst, but hope for the best.’
~ Benjamin Disraeli
Clammy hands, dry mouth and shaky legs was not how I saw this night ending. In fact, I was kicking myself for not wrapping up in my snuggie and having a pity party with my imaginary dog. The good news was, at the rate this was going I’d still be getting that party but I’d be grabbing the bottle from the freezer on the way to the couch. Standing outside of the café I was equal parts needing to hear it and equal parts wanting to stick my fingers in my ears so I can pretend I didn’t hear it.
Does he have any idea how much I worried? How much I missed him? What his leaving did to me? I can’t take another blow right now. Rio left after telling me that I was wasting my time on someone who couldn’t love me. He screamed at me when he told me that I was losing the one who did. Now it’s going to happen all over again.
Fuck.
“My therapist gave me a lot of tips,” he says standing next to me. He was so god damn humble and open right now that I found it hard to swallow. I wanted to inhale him, hold him and scream at him all at once. Unfortunately, he was focused on his speech and completely unaware of my misery. “One of those was I needed to figure out who I was and get back to loving myself. I’ve never loved myself, Rion. She says until I do, I won’t be able to love someone else.”
“What else did she say?” I whisper, trying my hardest to be strong. Taking out a small notebook he begins reading from the list. Listening to each tip, I felt the hope leaving me. Based on his list, there was no room for me in his life. These were things he needed to do, alone.
“She said I needed to get a hobby and to try new things.” Yeah, but she also said a whole bunch of other shit that would take years to complete, if ever. God, I just want to go home and get emotionally drunk.
“That’s good advice.” I tell him walking toward the car unable to do this anymore. “Look, I have to go. Just tell me what you want from me, Loyal.”
Stopping me again, he makes no move to touch me further and that shredded me the most. “I want us to be friends.”
“Just friends?”
“Yes,” he says with an honest to god straight face.
“Even knowing I’m in love with you, you want me to be your friend?”
“It’s asking a lot, but yes.”
“You’re not asking a lot, you’re asking for the impossible.”
“It’s not impossible Rion---”
“Are you serious right now?” I scream. “What, we hang out, catch a flick and I’m supposed to watch you date? You’re going to watch me date? And what we compare notes and shit? Do I have a sign on my back that says sucker for love on it? Oh fuck this, I’m out.”
Turning from him, he freezes me again. “I’m asking for a chance, Rion. I’m needing that second chance now. I know I probably ran out of them, but I need another one. I need you in my life.”
“As a friend,” I whimper losing my will to fight a battle I already lost.
“Yes as a friend,” he says, pulling me to him, “but I want more, I’m asking you to help me get there. I’ve got a lot of work to do and I can’t do it without you. You said you love me,” he whispers and I just lose it. “Dammit Rion, I want to be good enough for you. I want you to be proud of loving me, there’s no one on this fucking earth I need more than you.”
“What if you can never love me back?”
“Christ woman, I’m trying,” he says, gripping me tight, “but to love you the right way, I need to figure my shit out so you never have to doubt it. I’ve never felt anything for anyone like I feel for you. Help me get to that place where I can trust it. Believe me Rion, as much as I want to trust it, I can’t yet. Will you help me?”
I had only a moment to make a decision, listening to my heart and hoping it didn’t fuck me over was risky. But I did love him and he deserved the chance to heal without me pressuring him. If he didn’t love himself which I suspect he didn’t, I couldn’t walk away from him when he needed me mo
st. Especially if there was even a small chance we could make this work, I had to bet on him. Putting all my cards on the table, I let it ride one last time. “All you had to do was ask, Loyal.”
“Thank you,” he says, kissing my forehead and exhaling deep. “You heard the part where I said I was trying, right?”
“Yeah,” I whisper. “I caught it.”
“I mean it. I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t. If being without taught me anything, it was that I didn’t want to be without you. We just gotta start slow. I gotta do this right. You’re too fucking important, I can’t mess this up.” Nodding, he puts his hand on my lower back and guides me to the car. “It’s late. I should be getting you home.”
“Wait, you’re not staying with me?”
“That’s probably not a good idea---”
“Will you at least stay at Senior’s?”
“I can do that.”
Driving home neither of us speaks. My brain is on overload wondering if I’d just made a huge mistake. Inside my apartment I handed him Senior’s keys, he says goodnight and walks out. While he was probably going to sleep well tonight thinking his life was moving forward, I wasn’t going to sleep at all because I had to wonder if mine was in reverse.
‘Lying can never save us from another lie.’
~ Vaclav Havel
The first night, like every night that followed, I didn’t sleep for shit. I couldn’t knowing she was on the other side of the damn wall. I kept up with my weekly visits to my therapist here and she had found her own. I felt like shit that she felt like she needed to see one at all. No doubt, she was doing it for me and that bothered me too.
Lucky for me, work has been busy. During the day she takes bets while I collect and at night we always do something together. She’s shown me the city, taken me to landmarks outside of the city and tonight we’re going to a park to listen to live music. I haven’t found a hobby yet because I haven’t found anything better than being with her. My therapist asked me if I’ve opened up to her about my past yet, to which I said no. He asked me if I planned to, the answer to that was I didn’t know.
