8 Mile & Rion

by K. S. Adkins

  These last few weeks we’ve formed a solid friendship and she really went out of her way to make sure she didn’t push me for more. I knew she wanted it, I knew I wanted it too, but I didn’t know if I was ready yet. My therapist also cautioned me that asking her to wait indefinitely was not only unfair but cruel. Down deep I knew I was walking a thin line but did it anyway.

  Rio’s absence hurts her, my friendship rule was hurting her, and if I was being honest, it was hurting me too. But I had to see this through. Getting this right was important. Sex clouded judgment, but sex for me could trigger hurting her and I wouldn’t allow that. I had to trust that if this became too much for her, she’d tell me.

  Still no news on my brother and not a word from Jill. Every day I run to the mailbox hoping to see papers but none come. There have been no letters or threats and although Rion says it was probably nothing, my gut tells me it’s something. The threat is still out there, waiting. After my shower, I dress and knock on her door. When she opens it I fight to keep my hands where they are. Fighting the urge to touch her is torture and I fear a losing battle. Christ, but she steals my air.

  “Hi,” she says, closing the door behind me.

  “Hi,” I offer back.

  “I’ll be just a sec,” she says, heading for her room. Sitting on the couch I try not to eavesdrop but I can’t help it. When it comes to her, I want to know everything. “Tomorrow night then,” she says quietly. “I’ll wait up, it’s fine. You know how to get to my place?” Then a pause. “Okay see you then. Thanks, Tony.” Here it comes, the meltdown. I can feel it. The jealousy, the anger and the proof I couldn’t trust her. She said she loved me, that she would wait and she didn’t. Just like the whore. Maybe it was better she fucked me over now instead of five years from now when I wouldn’t recover and the body count was higher. “Ready?”

  “Yeah,” I mumble following her out the door. She attempts small talk on the way over, and once we’re there she opens a blanket and we wait for the show. I don’t want to fucking be here, but I don’t want to leave either. That’s how warped my head is. An hour into the show, she nudges me but I don’t nudge her back.

  “What’s the matter?” she asks, looking genuine, only I saw it for the false face that it was. Fuck, I didn’t give her enough credit. She was really good at this. Did parents make their daughters take a special class for this shit or was it instinctive? Either way, she was a fucking pro.

  “Tired,” I offer but nothing more.

  “Do you want to go?”

  “Yeah,” I say standing up. “I do.”

  “Okay.”

  Gathering the blanket she has to double time it to catch up to me. I knew better than to rely on her. Fuck. Right now, I just want away from her. But I can’t because she’s my fucking ride.

  Knowing she’s not talking to avoid me getting pissed makes me more pissed. She babies me so I won’t explode and it pisses me off that she expects me to. She has plans tomorrow night that don’t include me so fuck her for that too. Slamming my door, I don’t offer her a good night or walk her to her door like I usually do. She wants to play me, she can see herself in.

  “Loyal?”

  “What?”

  “Is this not working for you anymore?”

  Closing my heart off, I look her dead in the eyes. “No,” I tell her. “It ain’t.” Then I turn away and leave her standing there. Walking away was easy, staying away wasn’t. Not when she spent the night crying and I had to hear it. Sitting next to the wall to her room wondering if I’d made another mistake wishing I knew what to do. Her pain was real, I did know that much but I couldn’t decide what the pain was for. No way it could be for me if she’s meeting up with a guy named Tony tomorrow. Fuck, it made no sense to me. Then again, when it came to her it rarely did.

  ‘I think with any sort of rejection, you're angry that you weren't enough for that person.’

  ~ Jennie Garth

  After hours of crying into a bottle, I called Rio but it was sent to voicemail. Sending him a text I simply tell him that I miss him and that I hope he’s okay. Tomorrow is his birthday and this will be the first year we’ll be spending it apart. In a moment of desperation, I actually stood outside Loyal’s door with my fist raised to knock, but chickened out. He made it clear this wasn’t working and the therapist said he could feel moments of clarity followed by moments of impulsiveness. I just didn’t know which this was. I don’t know what I did and I didn’t know how to fix it.

  Curling up in a ball, I manage to get a couple hours of sleep before my alarm punishes me for drinking again. One shower and a quick cup of coffee later, I’m in the office hoping he comes in early to get his collections for the day giving me a chance to see him. Only by noon I realize he wasn’t coming and that put an end to any thoughts of productiveness. Locking up and heading over to my own place, I make myself dinner and send him one text.

  Are we still on for a movie?

  Ten minutes later his answer was clear. No.

  Stowing the tears away, I sit down at the table to go through my bills hoping to lose myself in my debt. It’s a sad fucking day when you know the one thing in life you can count on is your bills showing up. When I got to the second to the last envelope there was no return address, simply my name on the front. For hours, I debated on opening it. I walked around it, afraid to touch it. It mocked me from every angle. If I opened it whatever in there was real. Should I call Rio in case it’s from him? Go and get Loyal? When the anger came for being so needy, I said fuck it and opened it.

  I shouldn’t have opened it.

  Tick tock.

  Tick tock.

  Tick tock.

  That’s what it said, about a thousand times. On the front and back of the stationary in perfect penmanship. Thoroughly freaked the fuck out, I left it on the table and decided to watch TV instead of obsess about it. Grabbing my gun and setting it next to the coffee table, I settle in with my phone next to me and actually manage to watch a movie until there’s a bang on my door. Jumping about twenty feet in the air, I check the peep hole and see Tony.

  Thank god.

  My nerves were so shot that when he came in and sat down, I didn’t offer him a drink or anything. He noticed right away something was wrong, and it made me really happy for Lina. Tony was so good for her.

  “Is something wrong, Rion?”

  “Nothing I can’t handle,” I offer. “I just know better than to watch scary movies alone is all. So, any news? ”

  “No,” he says, looking disappointed. “I’m afraid I haven’t been able to find Rio, I’m sorry. I’m working some leads but it takes time. His plates aren’t even registered. In regards to Loyal’s brother, does he know his adoptive---“

  When my door literally burst open, Tony jumped up as did I. Where Tony tried standing in front of me, I moved to the side so I could shoot the intruder. That’s when I saw him standing there with a look in all my life I prayed I never saw again.

  This was Loyal, the killer.

  “Lying whore,” he growls advancing on Tony. Pushing him out of the way, I raise my gun which stops him in his tracks. He was drunk too, perfect. If I shot him he probably wouldn’t even feel it. “You gonna shoot me, Rion?”

  “I don’t want to,” I warn him. “But if you make a play for Tony, I will.”

  “Tony?” he laughs. “You fuck me over for a pussy looking bitch named Tony?”

  “Rion,” Tony says, calmly reaching his hand out. “Give me the gun.”

  “Negative,” I tell him. “Someone needs to learn how to knock before he enters the room assuming the worst.”

  “I wanted to trust you,” he roars so loud the veins come out of his neck. Keeping myself calm I remind myself of several things. First, I’m the one with the gun. Second, Tony has a wife and daughter to get home safely to and third, Loyal has some serious trust issues and was a mean drunk.

  “You should have trusted me,” I tell him calmly. “This is Tony Gallo, he’s the husband of my fr
iend Lina. You remember me mentioning her, right? Oh good, then you’ll remember the part where I said they agreed to help me locate your fucking brother!” I end on a scream.

  “Is it safe for me to leave, Rion? Or do you prefer I stay or possibly call for backup?”

  “You can go, Tony thanks,” I tell him. “Tell Lina the next one’s on the house.”

  Walking straight up to Loyal he says, “Anything happens to her, something even worse will happen to you.” Then looking back at me he says as he walks out. “Bet on it.”

  Standing there completely pissed and totally embarrassed, I set the gun down and it hits me how wrong this is. All of it was wrong and I had to break the cycle. “I need you to go,” I tell him.

  “I shouldn’t have drank,” he says quietly. “I’ll be back in the morning after---“

  Cutting him off I put my hand up. “No, I need you to go and not come back.”

  “Rion, I misunderstood---”

  “You know what? This isn’t even about me. Tony has a newborn daughter! He came here after work as a favor to you! He came here because Lina was home with a sick baby!”

  “I didn’t know---”

  “You never know because you never stop and ask first. Now you do know,” I whisper. “And this lying whore needs to get some sleep. See yourself out.”

  “I’m begging you not to do this,” he says, walking toward me. “I fucked up just let me---”

  “I can’t let you anymore! That’s what you see when you see me? A lying whore? You’ve been waiting for me to prove you right! Was this all a test? I lost my best friend for you! I see a god damn shrink to help you! I cry myself to sleep at night because you’re not here! I molded my life to yours because you asked me to! You don’t want help! You want justification! I can’t justify what happened to you. Or what Jill did to you. I can’t justify only being your friend either. I just can’t---“”

  When he pulls me to him and attempts to kiss me, I broke away wiping his taste from my mouth. “You’re too late, Loyal. You just ran out of chances.”

  The room was deathly quiet, the only sound was our erratic breathing until the phone rang. “Yep,” I answer.

  “Rion?” asks Lina, “You okay? Are we killing somebody? I haven’t killed anyone since I gave birth, I need a night out.”

  “I’m okay Lina,” I tell her. “He just left.”

  He hadn’t left. He still stood there looking like he was going to hyperventilate but he hadn’t left. Lina gabs for another minute before we disconnect then when I set my phone down, I stepped into another dimension.

  The one where Loyal Hart fell to his knees in front of me.

  ‘You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough.’

  ~ Frank Crane

  The fear of loss took me over. Even my buzz evaporated the moment I felt her quit. Having no idea what else to do because I knew she was dead serious, I hit the ground. Dropping my head and leaning into her stomach, I wrap my arms around her and it just happens. I start to cry. Gripping her, I cry harder. When she grips me back, I somehow pulled her down to the floor with me. She didn’t let me go and I couldn’t let her go. Words fall from my mouth and even I don’t understand them, I don’t want to either. I just know that my bullshit had to stop and it needed to stop now.

  “Shh,” she says, soothing me. “It’s okay.” Minutes go by and still she holds me. “Loyal,” she whispers, “look at me, please.”

  Slowly pulling my head up, her eyes meet mine and I see the damage I’ve caused. By lashing out at her, keeping her at arm’s length, asking her to be friends knowing how she feels and the latest nightmare with Tony, was too much for her. “This has to stop,” she says softly. “What we’re doing to each other has to stop.”

  “I can’t be friends with you anymore,” I tell her and when her eyes close in anguish, I see she’s misunderstood me. But it also hit me she loved me more than I ever thought possible too. “You’re my woman. I need my woman.”

  “You have to be sure,” she says, touching my face. “Don’t say this just to keep me around. You have to mean it. If you mean it then everything we’ve been doing changes. If you want this with me, no more secrets, no more excuses.”

  “Fuck, you make me better, Rion. You. Not the therapy, not the meds, you do. With you I can function. I’ll go over to his place and apologize, I’ll---”

  “Until a doctor says otherwise, you continue therapy and the meds. I’ll give you his number because he deserves an apology. You either trust me or you don’t. I don’t need an answer right now, but you best think on it. I won’t have another repeat of tonight. You get that, right?”

  “I won’t use up any more chances,” I whisper. “I heard you on the phone yesterday; I thought you were seeing someone else.”

  “I wouldn’t do that to you,” she says. “How can you spend all this time with me and not know that?”

  “Because I wouldn’t blame you if you did.”

  “In thirty years I’ve said I love you to one man. Senior,” she says, resting her head on my shoulder. “Until I met you.”

  “Can’t lose you,” I whisper, holding her tighter than I should.

  “Be honest with me and you won’t,” she whispers back, “I promise.”

  Standing us both up, she takes the extra cushions off the couch to make room for two bodies while I grab the blankets. Walking into her room to get them, I look at her unmade bed and see she’d slept on my side. The pillow I used had dents in it and there was tissue everywhere. She really did cry for me. I knew it was time to man up. No more losing my shit, taking it out on her. It was time to trust her. The weight that used to feel like a cancer suddenly lifted when I went all in for her. She wasn’t aware that it was happening but the timing of her head on my chest couldn’t be better. My heart was beating freely for the first time and she could hear it. Curling up next to her and pulling her close, there was no more talking, no fighting and no fucking. We just needed to be close to each other and I fell asleep that way.

  Even though I was too big for the couch, it was still the best night’s sleep I’d ever had.

  ‘Men like gifts. If the gift has a motor, odds are you’ll never do dishes again.’

  ~Senior

  Waking up with him wrapped around me was perfect. Watching him take deep breaths and running my fingers over his stubble was even better. Careful not to wake him, I jump in the shower wanting to be back when he woke up. Feeling hopeful could be foolish, but I had to trust myself on this one. Loyal is struggling with a lot of shit, I promised him patience and I needed to deliver. Trust was a huge issue for him and obviously it was missing from past relationships, especially with Jill.

  I had no secrets to speak of but seeing how easily he flipped the switch, I had to be conscious of everything. As long as he tried, I would be okay with it. We could do this. Others may say this is toxic or dangerous even, but he needs me and I need him too. No relationship is perfect. We’re going to have moments where it’s messy and difficult followed by easy and safe. Love is a risk I’ve been waiting a long time to take. Loyal was a risk period, but in my heart I knew he was worth it.

  Drying off, I throw on a robe not in a rush to head across the hall yet. Between Loyal and Rio the business was no longer in the red. There’s that moment in the beginning of any new season that people see their team win a few and they go all in. They get invested in their team and that’s how I make money. Especially, when Detroit is my market. We weren’t exactly rolling, but we weren’t drowning either and we had a lot of spare time.

  My credit was still good and I was thinking maybe it was time to get him another vehicle. He needs his independence even if he fights me on it. He said he was a truck guy and Ford has a pretty slick F-150 out right now. Noise from the kitchen had me making a right instead of a left. When I came in behind him and wrapped my arms around him.

  “Good morning,” I say kissing his back. “Sleep okay?”

/>   “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “Tell you what?”

  Turning to face me, I can see he’s pissed but we just fucking woke up. “About the letter, Rion,” he growls. “The fucking letter!”

  “Oh no, no, no,” I growl right back. “Don’t you fucking dare. I got that letter only yesterday then Tony came by and you know what happened next. I forgot about it, but now that it’s this morning’s convo, what do you think?”

  “What do I think? I think someone is trying to scare the shit out of you. That’s what I think.”

  “I have you,” I tell him going up on my toes to kiss his cheek, “therefore, it didn’t work.”

  “Rion---”

  “We have shit to do,” I tell him. “Get dressed. I’m not asking, Loyal.”

  Grinding his jaw, he puts a shirt on but I didn’t care about that. What I cared about was the way his muscles bunched and contracted while he put the shirt on. At that moment, I was extremely horny and wondering why he gave in so easily.

  “Don’t look at me like that,” he growls sliding his belt through the loops.

  “Like what?” I ask, wanting him to slide inside of me like that.

  “Like you wanna fuck.”

  “But I do wanna fuck,” I say smiling.

  “Dammit Rion, you know why we can’t.”

  “Fine,” I pout. “If fucking's off the menu, let’s go with the next best thing then.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Guess you’ll just have to trust me to find out.”

  Heading over to the dealership off Michigan Avenue, I can feel his desire like my own. Between the two of us I was shocked my car needed fuel. If your sex drive could power a car, mine would be a turbo. Note to self: write a letter to Ford motor company.