by K. S. Adkins
Parking in the customer lot, I see him eyeing a black on black pickup like it was his best fantasy come to life. I could see he wanted to touch it, climb inside of it and stay there. Shaking my head before I had an orgasm in broad daylight, I let him know I’m grabbing a salesman and instructed him to browse.
When my salesman found me, I kept it simple. I filled out the paperwork, cut him a check for the deposit and plate transfer from my E-class to this one. When he asked me which truck I wanted, I pointed out the window to where Loyal was practically dry humping the truck and said, “That one.”
“Give me forty minutes,” he says handing me the keys and walking off.
Heading back outside, I lean on the truck and ask him, “You look like a man who just fell in love with all eight cylinders.”
“This truck is---” he tries getting it out but is too caught up in wanting what he didn’t think he could have to finish the sentence.
“Yours,” I tell him tossing him the keys.
The look on his face is fucking priceless. Loyal has many ‘faces’ but this was the one I wanted to again.
It was called shock.
‘Surprise is the greatest gift which life can grant us.’
~ Boris Pasternak
Since the day I met her, my will was hers. I don’t think she understands the power she has over me but I’m thankful she doesn’t abuse it. Leading me around by my dick ain’t no hardship, it’s where she’s found a place in my heart that worries me. Until her, to me all women were treacherous whores. Being with her, watching her, learning from her are all positive things. Her smile can stop me in my tracks and her tears could prompt me to tear a city apart. This woman found it in her big open heart to love me and I can’t figure out why. I haven’t been good to her, I can’t buy her shit. Now we’re here at the dealership and I wanted to be the guy that told her to get what she wanted and I’d cover it. You do that for your woman, even I know that much.
For some fucked up reason I can’t stop touching this truck. I run my hands over it and think of her, I think of the power under the hood and think of her. Basically, everything that I come in contact with is a metaphor for her. Now she’s back from inside and asking me if I fell for this truck. Fuck me, I wanted to tell her I fell for her. The words were there, but stuck. Suddenly keys were in my hand and for the first time in my life I felt something I’ve never felt before.
Surprise.
Even when she said yours, I didn’t understand. I was too busy looking at her mouth, wanting it on mine, needing it on mine.
Blinking at her, then at the keys in my hand, I tightened them in my fist unsure of what to do now. As for her, she stood there smiling and then climbed in on the passenger side. Opening the driver’s door, I don’t get in. I watch as she opens the compartments, moves the seat back and forth then checks herself in the mirror.
“Start her up,” she says playing with the radio.
“I’m not following here, Rion.”
“I see that,” she says. “This is your new baby, you love her right?”
“What?”
“I saw the way you touched her, like she meant the world to you. I wanted you to have her and now she’s yours.”
Swallowing hard, I climb in and reach out touching her face. When she leans into my hand and looks up at me I ask her. “We talking about you or this truck?”
“Saw through that, huh?” she asks touching me back. “Maybe I was talking about me but I meant the truck too. You deserve something special Loyal. You helped me save the business and I appreciate that. You changed my life, you came back for me.”
“I don’t deserve you or this truck,” I tell her. “I’m happy to just have you. I don’t need you to buy me shit.”
“The truck is yours, consider it a bonus.”
“Screw the truck, you’re my bonus.”
When the salesman knocks on the window, I roll it down and watch as she signs more paperwork then hops out. “Meet me at home?”
“Rion---”
“It’s yours so shut up,” she says, walking around to her car. “Hey loyal?”
“What?” I ask fighting for air.
“Wanna race?” she asks rubbing her hands together.
When a smile hits my face, I felt that shit in my bones. Starting the truck and revving the engine she jumps up and down clapping then races to her Taurus. My woman was competitive and I loved it.
For the record, I kicked her ass.
‘Temptation is a woman's weapon and man's excuse.’
~ H. L. Mencken
The next week was interesting. Every day I called Rio and every day it went to voicemail. On Friday I told him that I wasn’t giving up but, that the next phone call needed to come from his end. Missing him was tough, but Loyal’s new and improved attitude cushioned the blow. Business is steady which leaves us a lot of free time together but as much as I love it, it’s killing me too.
Spending my days and nights with him was amazing. I found out he had a sense of humor (who knew?), that he knew a lot about history and he was too good at poker. He went to his therapist, I went to mine and we would chat over lunch about that day’s progress. The problem for me was, sleeping alone.
My therapist even agreed taking things slow was best for him but, I’ve already had a taste and the hunger pangs hurt. We’re in each other’s space constantly and holding back was uncomfortable. I didn’t want to hold back, I wanted to kiss him, touch him and wake up with him. Yes, I loved him, that wasn’t a question. But how long could I do this friends with no benefits was a serious concern of mine.
Part of me was frustrated because he seemed to be doing just fine with the arrangement. The other part actually thought it was funny that he could fool himself into thinking he could continue to hold out. Knowing a bet when I see one, I placed odds with myself on when he’d fold. I was giving it a week, tops. Believe me, I was going to make him work for that week too. Sexual frustration is no laughing matter, and if the dual pack of AA’s I blew through was any indication, I needed to get laid badly.
He agreed to go up north with me for a couple days and my plan was nothing but us, nature and naked time. He thinks we’re heading up to get Senior’s cabin ready to sell and yes we’d do some cleaning, but that was for after we trashed the place ourselves. Screw a week, Loyal wouldn’t last the weekend.
I like this bet.
Throwing in my ear buds, I grab the cleaning products deciding to use my extra energy to my advantage and clean the place up before we leave. About twenty minutes in, my jam comes on so I turned the volume up even louder and went to work. Turning to grab the spray bottle, I see him standing in the doorway staring at me and let out a girly scream.
When he doesn’t make a sound, I take the buds out and toss them on the table. “How long have you been standing there?”
“Long enough,” he growls low in his throat.
“If you think I’m cleaning Senior’s place too, you’re nuts.”
“Thought we were leaving,” he says, tossing his bag on the couch. “I’m ready.”
“You want me alone in the woods bad, don’t you?” I ask wagging my eye brows. “Ask me about my neighbors,” I whisper leaning down slowly to pick up his bag showcasing my cleavage courtesy of my sports bra.
“What about your neighbors?” he asks, backing away from me.
Getting in his space and running a finger down his chest I whisper up to his ear, “I don’t have any.”
“You planned this,” he accuses.
“I’m not a planner,” I admit, “but I also don’t pass up an opportunity either.”
“Rion---”
Tossing the cleaning junk aside, I grab my bag and his, marching right past him and stood in the door. “Oh relax,” I tell him with a smile. “It’s just a quiet weekend away in the woods, what could happen?”
I’m pretty sure I heard him mumble, “I’m fucked,” but I was too busy cheering myself on mentally to be sure. Loading up his truck, we
stop for fuel and carry out before jumping on the freeway. Oh and I should mention, Loyal drove that truck with purpose. Four hours and a ton of small talk later, we pulled onto Spring Valley Lane and he parked the truck in the gravel driveway right where Senior used to park.
The sun was still shining when my heart shattered into a million pieces and not even Loyal could stop it.
‘Always thought I was a bad ass because I served. I was wrong. My wife is the bad ass, she’s twice the man I’ll ever be.’
~Big John in group therapy
Watching her dance around her apartment with short shorts and a sports bra was the perfect torture. Her bending over to tease me with her cleavage was perfect too. Rion can’t sing, but she can work her body and my dick noticed. This arrangement may be smart long term, but I can’t figure out how to deal with it short term. I want her 24/7 and the thread holding me together is fraying. Sleeping mere feet away I can hear her getting off even though I know she’s trying to be quiet. She gets off a lot. Every moan belonged to me, yet I wasn’t the one giving it to her and that fucking sucked for me. There was no denying her when she asked to come up here, but I knew it wasn’t possible the two of us wouldn’t come back changed from this. I can’t hold myself back from her anymore, fuck that, I won’t.
The ride up here was easy, but with her doing most of the talking I wasn’t surprised. Although, I was surprised how beautiful the Upper Peninsula turned out to be. A few hours ago, I was in the city that time forgot; now I was here. I liked it here, I liked the peace. She told me Senior bought this place when she was a baby intending on retiring here one day. He didn’t get to do that and when we pulled into the driveway, I knew right away she knew that too.
Throwing it in park, she just stares straight ahead. Giving her a minute to get herself together, I grab our bags and set them on the porch then walk around the house. No doubt this cabin was custom built because the craftsmanship was flawless. Walking down a trail I hear the water before I see it, then in a few more yards the view of the creek opens up and I was taken aback again. Sitting down in the grass, I look around and remind myself Rion was lucky. Her dad gave her a good childhood. She may not have had a mom but he played both roles really well. Looking over to my right there’s a huge pine tree with the bottom of the trunk sheared down. Walking over to it, I see the inscription on it.
Princess Junior wuz here 1990
Running my fingers over it, I smiled at the artwork. This place like the building on 8 Mile was why she was who she was today. Fuck, she was the most lovable person I’ve ever met. This woman wore love like a god damn sweater.
“For the record, Rio did that to piss me off,” she says coming to stand next to me. “He used to call me Princess when Senior gave me my way.”
“He called you Princess a lot then, didn’t he?” I ask quietly not sure if this is a good memory or not.
“Actually no,” she says sitting down, “I hated being called anything but Junior. He made me a deal, carved it into that tree and promised never to say it again.”
“You miss him.”
“Yeah.”
“He call you back yet?”
“No,” she says leaning into me. “Not yet.”
“Why this tree?”
“Look up,” she says pointing., “We built a tree house that doubled as a hunting blind. He was with me when I got my first buck, helped me track it and everything. In case there’s ever a need just know I’m a horrible tracker.”
“Rion if---”
“Don’t,” she whispers. “I’m not in love with him, Loyal, please don’t make me repeat myself. Yes, I miss him, yes it hurts, but I just need time and I think he does too. Let’s go grab some wood; it cools off quick at night.”
“Wait,” I ask her, pulling her back to me when it hit me the timing of their falling out. Her holding her hand, him taking off when I showed up. Something went down and I had a good idea what that was. “Did he kiss you?”
When she exhales my stomach bottoms out. Looking up at me she doesn’t look sad she looks devastated. “Yeah he did,” she says quietly, “but I had hit him prior to that so that wasn’t why he did it. I have no idea why he did it.”
“Did you kiss him back?”
“Yes.”
“How did it feel?”
“Wrong,” she whispers. “Like we broke a rule we didn’t know existed.”
Leaning in I press my lips to hers once, twice. “How does it feel when I do it?”
“Right,” she whispers, looking up at me, “like I’ve waited my whole life for it. I’m sorry, I didn’t know how to tell you. Truthfully, I didn’t want to tell you until I figured it out for myself.”
“If I wasn’t so wrapped up in my own shit I would have figured it out sooner. He does it again though, I’ll kill him.”
“Don’t say that,” she whispers with tears in her eyes. “He’s my best friend.”
“He doesn’t look at you like a friend, Rion. Don’t send him mixed signals, is all I’m saying.”
“He’s gone, Loyal,” she growls pushing away from me. “So I’m not sending him anything, am I?”
“I was gone a month, Rion,” I remind her. “Anything could have happened. I’d place my own bet you wouldn’t tell me if it did.”
“The keys are in my bag,” she says, turning away from me. “I’m taking a walk, alone. Go do something useful like assuming, brooding or breaking shit.”
“Rion---”
“Don’t you fucking Rion me!” she screams and out here her voice carried for acres. “I’m done trying to tip toe around you! He kissed me, Loyal, alright? Then he flipped out and left. It freaked him out as much as it did me. You walked in directly after and I was still in shock. Did I want him to kiss me? Is that what you’re really getting at?”
“Stop it---” I try, but she cuts me off.
“When I was sixteen I wanted it more than anything, but I only had to wait until I was thirty for it to happen. Then when it did it felt like we destroyed years of friendship. Didn’t you ask him about that when you called him? Huh? You sure as fuck weren’t concerned about me while you were gone. Because if you had been, you would have known every day he tried to get me to love him back, only I didn’t, so he left! He left because I love you! Don’t you fucking dare tell me to stop it or try and spin this to where I’m screwing you here. You screwed me! Remember that! A month! One call was all I needed. Yet here I am still proving myself to you. Wake the hell up and try proving yourself to me for once.”
“Dammit if you---”
“Go fuck yourself! I brought you here because I wanted to show you the cottage, spend time with you, take you fishing---” she says, then it turns to tears and my gut cramps. “Being here hurts. This is hard for me, but I brought you hoping you could help me through it. Why can’t you just help me through it? Why are you always looking for an ulterior motive? We haven’t been here an hour and already we’re fighting. I can’t fight anymore,” she whispers walking away. “I can’t.”
Watching her walk away with her head down, I wait until she’s out of my sight before calling Rio. I wasn’t expecting him to answer, but he did. The call was quick, I made my point and it was done.
Now I could breathe again.
‘He who does not understand your silence will probably not understand your words.’
~Elbert Hubbard
Two hours of wandering and still no answers came. Of all the men in the world why did I have to fall for the one who will never trust me? I have to be one of the most honest people out there. I have never cheated on anyone and I always gave that person my trust and respect until there was a reason not to. It doesn’t matter what I do, the trust isn’t going to be there and I don’t think it ever will be. True, I didn’t tell him about the kiss but it wasn’t to be secretive. It was because if I could take one thing back, it would be that god damn kiss.
Sitting on the back deck steps, I look out over the property wishing I didn’t have to sell it. My we
ekends were spent here until I went to college. Rio taught me how to fly fish and do shots of vodka here. Senior taught me everything in between. I miss my dad, but I’ve come to terms that he isn’t coming back. I miss Rio, but it’s up to him if he wants to come back or not. Looking up at the last of the day’s sun, I have to wonder when I was going to come back too. I used to be carefree, up for anything and now I feel twice my age. One day I had hoped to bring my kids here, teaching them how to ride quads and thread a hook but, I’m thirty now and that window feels like it will never open. In fact, the window felt like it was glued shut.
When he comes to sit beside me, I don’t lean into him or even acknowledge his presence. Instead, I look out over the property I’m going to miss and try to figure out a way to close this chapter of my life with grace too. Senior used to tell me when one door opens, kick another one closed because you’ve got two good legs. He said karma deserved a reality check sometimes. I wish karma would send me a text telling me what I’d done to deserve this bullshit.
“My parents were strict,” he says with his arms resting over his knees. “My dad was military, what he said, went. My mom agreed with him. I knew the rules early, followed them too. Then my brother came along and before he could learn the rules, dad died and my mom drank herself to death. The state split us up and foster care was fucking brutal for me. Never got to see my brother even if I didn’t like him much it was another loss. Still felt like it was my job to watch over him, but he got adopted and I didn’t which meant I had no say. Met Jill in tenth grade, she was a pushy bitch even then. It was easier to give her what she wanted than to fight with her. Signed up to leave and she said she’d wait. The idea that anyone would wait for me was enough. Sent her money and put her through school. Told me she was pregnant, but lied about it to keep me around. Came home to her on her hands and knees getting nailed by some guy in our bed, so I left. Came here to find my brother and didn’t. I’ve been trying to right my wrongs with them, but I keep wronging the one person who don’t deserve it. Saying I’m sorry ain’t enough and I know that. But it’s all I’ve got. Rion, I don’t understand good people because I have no history with them. I wish I’d met you in tenth grade though. I wish that more than anything. Had I met you, I’d be good instead of this…”
