by K. S. Adkins
“I was seven when he died and even then he wasn’t around much. My mom was pretty hands on when I was little, but once he died, she gave up.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Not everyone gets an old man like yours. Glad you did, though.”
“Loyal?” she asks. “Did you come out here to get away from me?”
“Yeah.”
“Wow, I didn’t think you’d say that,” she whispers. “Will you tell me why?”
“You got my head fucked up. I don’t know if it’s bad or good. I just know I went from being alone to never wanting to be alone again. Feels like I depend on you too much. I’m worried I’m going to drown you.”
“What if instead of drowning me you just tread water next to me?”
I didn’t answer her. I couldn’t. Not then, anyway. The woman is always trying to help me and I have nothing to give her in return. Standing up, I kiss her on the forehead and crash on the couch without another word. I didn’t sleep though, not even close. Not when she came in and went back to her bed without me and especially not when I had to listen to her cry. I was drowning her already and she didn’t even know it. She refused to see the bad in me, but I knew it was there.
Rion was all things good.
I was all things damaged.
‘You got my head fucked up. I don’t know if it’s good or bad.”
~Loyal
Fishing this morning was a waste of time and emotion. The silence between us was violent. Even with the water lapping and the gentle breeze, the silence physically assaulted me. He only went because I asked, but he may as well have been back in Detroit right now. His words punch me in the face every time I think of them. Taking my fishing pole with me, I pack up my things and then take the trash to the road. Looking out over the deck again while he packed up, I realized I was angry. Our last night here was one I planned to remember forever. It felt like a beginning once we sifted through the bullshit, but then he said the words. I must have really done a number too because after fucking me he needed to be as far away from me as possible. It was time to pay attention, to stop believing in happy endings and to see it for what it really was.
Temporary.
It’s what he told me the first time we met and I should have listened then. I wanted Loyal Hart forever. He said I fucked with his head. I wanted to tell him everything about my life; he shared almost nothing of his own. He said I was his woman, yet treats me like a stranger. He shared his fear with me and I offered a solution. He didn’t take me up on it, instead he walked away.
Most of all, he said he wouldn’t share me but, I’m sharing him with his past and another woman. I know he doesn’t love her, that wasn’t the issue. The issue was he expected me to fuck him over like she did and she’s always in the room with us. I may get him all to myself in certain situations but I can’t pretend that I’m all he sees when it’s clear that I’m not.
Joining me on the deck, he puts his forearms on the rails and looks down. Without looking over at him, I draw my line in the sand. The next move had to be his, I was done being a saint about this shit. “Choose me, Loyal,” I say, “I’ll only ask once. I want you to think about it before you answer me. I’m asking you to choose me over all the things holding you back. Your childhood, the Marines and especially Jill. I’m asking you to choose me because if you do, I’ll love you better than anyone. If you choose me, I won’t cheat on you, lie to you or make life hard on you. If you choose me, you’re allowing me to be your partner and equal. If you choose me, I know I’ll make you happy. But it’s your choice; I can’t make it for you.” Turning away, I walk into the kitchen to grab the last of the paperwork I’ll need to make the payments on the cottage if I kept it. Stuffing it in my bag, I don’t cry and I don’t let it break me. Closing the bedroom doors, I come back into the living room and he’s there staring me down.
“Come here,” he demands. “That’s an order, Rion.”
When I approach I look up and before I can’t say a word, his mouth takes mine. Then his arms are around me holding me tight. I’m afraid to move in case he changes his mind. Taking my arms, he wraps them around his neck then lifts me up, walking us back to the wall. Tightening my arms and legs, he gives me his tongue and I accept it.
“I choose you,” he says softly. “Tell me you still choose me too.”
“I do,” I whisper. “You’re the best choice I ever made.”
“Don’t quit on me, Rion. When it gets hard, just don’t quit.”
“I won’t quit on you.”
“Thank fuck,” he whispers. “I’ll get this right if it kills me.”
“I know you will, we both will. Hey Loyal?”
“Yeah?”
“Will you come back here with me next weekend?”
“I go where you go,” he says, kissing my neck. “That work for you?”
Squeezing him hard we stay like that for a while. With him holding me up against a wall, with his mouth loving mine. Then he leads me out to the truck and when we drive away it doesn’t leave me devastated like I’d planned. He changed that for me. We’d be back next weekend making our own memories and instead of dread, it gave me something to look forward to. Making our own memories is what my dad would have wanted.
Senior wanted me to be happy, I knew that as sure as I knew when Loyal said he chose me he didn’t do it lightly.
One of my biggest flaws is crashing when I’m the passenger. We weren’t on the road twenty minutes before my mouth fell open. A couple hours later, I woke up but kept my eyes closed while I listened to him sing and talk to me when he thought I couldn’t hear him. What he said would be stored in my heart forever. He played with my hair for a bit which seemed to make him happy, then his right hand covered my boob a while after that. Pulling into the garage around seven p.m., I still played the sleep card and when he came around and opened the door, the last thing I expected was for him to carry me up two flights of steps without being winded.
But he did.
“Wake up, woman,” he says biting my lip. “Gotta open the door.”
Faking a stretch, I lean up, kiss his cheek, then he gently sets me on my feet. When he opens the door we both step in, he hits the lights and seconds later I’m taken to the floor hard with his body covering mine.
What in the holy fuck?
‘Everything we see hides another thing, we always want to see what is hidden by what we see.’
~ Rene Magritte
He was here.
Not only was he in her place, he hung clocks on every open inch of wall that didn’t have pictures of her stapled to it. The ceiling, the cupboards and even the furniture had photos of her on them. Each photo was different and there had to be hundreds. Each clock had a working battery and in the silence the tick of the hands sounded like a war zone. Grabbing her from the floor where I tackled her and keeping her behind me, we explore each room saving her room for last. Opening the door, this was the only room that wasn’t plastered with shit. What made this room even worse was that whoever this mother fucker was, had slept in her bed knowing she was away.
Stowing the rage, I back us both out and once we reach the kitchen she breaks free and grabs her gun from the drawer. “What?” she asks shrugging, “It’s not like I’ll miss.”
“Christ, Rion, put the gun away. No one’s here.”
No sooner do I finish my sentence there’s a banging on the front door. The noise causes her to jump while I attempt to push her behind me again. Breaking away easily, she keeps her gun at her side then whips the door open and I take up the space behind it. To protect her, I was prepared for anything that came as a threat.
Well, almost anything.
“Hello, I’m looking for Loyal Hart.”
“Yeah? Who may I say is asking? You know so I can report the B&E.”
“Jill,” she says bluntly. “His wife and I didn’t break in, the door was open.”
“I see,” says Rion quietly. “Well come in, I’ll get him for you.”
<
br /> Standing there completely frozen, I watch as Rion holds the door open for Jill to enter. When she closes the door it sounded like an explosion or maybe that was just my heart seizing up. “Your wife is here, Loyal,” she says pinning me with the look that screams betrayal.
“I’m sorry, you are?” Jill asks, in that fucking haughty tone I hate.
“Oh me?” she says, walking toward the kitchen setting the gun down. “I’m nobody.”
Finding my voice, I meet her half way but my eyes are on Rion who looks ready to quit on me. “Why are you here?”
“Can we talk in private?”
“No.”
“Okay then,” she says nervously looking around. “Oh god whoever decorated the place should be fired.”
“The fuck do you want?”
“You,” she says stepping forward. “I came to this dump for you. You made your point, now I want you to come home.”
“Is this a joke?”
“No,” she says, ringing her hands. “I’ve had a lot of time to think and I don’t want a divorce. You’re home now and I want us to start over. I brought your truck too, I’m sure you missed it. Although it’s junk, I suppose I could look past it if that’s what you really want.”
“All I want are those papers signed.”
“I’m not signing them, so I didn’t bring them.”
“I have an extra set, you can sign now.”
“Loyal wait,” she says, grabbing on to me and it takes everything I’ve got not to throw her across the room. Her touch is like acid on my skin. The look on her face told me she felt the same yet she played this game anyway.
“Get off me,” I growl pushing her away.
“I love you!” she wails throwing herself at me and when I look up at Rion, her expression is blank.
“You don’t love me and I don’t even fucking like you!” I roar. “Why did you come here?”
“Be----” she tries.
“Answer me!” I yell in her face, but then Rion’s right there pushing me back.
“Answer him Jill,” she says politely but I could feel her hurting. “Why did you come here instead of calling him?”
“Who are you?” she cries. “Who is she, Loyal? Are you seeing her?”
“I sure as fuck wasn’t seeing you!” I yell again.
“Don’t worry about me, Jill.” Rion says, trying to calm the situation. “Like I said, I’m nobody. Believe me, no one gets that like I do right now. It only takes one person to end a marriage, Jill. If he wants a divorce even if it’s not today, one day you’ll have to sign the papers.”
“I can’t,” she cries looking at me for help.
“Why not?” asks Rion not backing down.
“I want an answer you fucking whore!”
“Enough with the whore shit, Loyal,” she growls at me.
“I’m not a fucking therapist and I have bigger problems than your War of the Roses bullshit right now. Go print the fucking papers off so she can sign them and leave.”
“I can’t sign them!” she squeals.
“Why the fuck not?” asks Rion losing her patience.
“Don’t you love me at all?” she begs looking at me. I got nothing for Jill, it’s Rion I keep looking at and she notices. “Oh god you don’t love her, do you?”
When I don’t answer due to the shock of the situation, Rion closes her eyes in pain. When she opens them again she ignores me in favor of the whore. “What’s it going to take to get you to sign those papers and get the fuck out of my apartment?”
“You can’t have him,” she says putting her hands on her hips. “He belongs to me!”
“Loyal,” Rion says, holding her hand out, “hand me the papers. Jill will sign them or I’ll break her wrists.”
“Did you just threaten me? You can’t threaten me.”
“Uh, I just did.”
Watching this play out was like a tennis match on mushrooms. Jill is tall for a female, Rion is not. Jill is a manipulative cunt, Rion is not. Jill pulls hair, Rion would crush her by knockout. This was really happening and I didn’t know what the fuck to do.
Until it happened.
"You think you know ... but you have no idea."
~MTV’s Diary
My shattered heart could wait. Jill the whore was lying about something, I just didn’t know what. She didn’t love him anymore than he loved her I could feel it like a pimple in my nose. That wasn’t me being hopeful, either. These two really hated each other. Between her backhanded compliments and her aversion to being near him something was off.
Jill was tall, thin and quite beautiful. If I had to choose a woman for Loyal aside from me, it certainly wouldn’t be her. She’s very polished and prissy, I didn’t get it. Football player and cheerleader? More like Quasimodo and Gisele Bundchen. Except in this story Quasi is wicked warrior-like and Gisele is a cunt with acrylic nails and an agenda.
She wasn’t leaving, that much was obvious and I’d had enough. The whore was signing those papers or I was going to break her wrists. This was the women who fucked him up. Because of her he wasn’t able to love me. This bitch damaged him, took advantage of him and lied about a pregnancy to trap him into marriage if I had to bet.
Speaking of bets, this skank was about to lose.
“I’ll call the police!”
“They won’t come. Sign the papers.”
“I’ll file a law suit!”
“Go ahead, I’m broke. Sign the papers.”
“I am not signing the papers!”
“No? Okay then, how about this. A few hours ago your husband was balls deep inside of me. The second you leave he’ll be balls deep again. You know what the difference is between you and me, Jill?”
“No, I really don’t” she growls at me.
“He likes fucking me.”
“It doesn’t matter,” she says, in her haughtiest voice. “I’m still not signing the papers.”
“Is that right? You love him so much that you’re cool with him fucking me? Woman, we need more like you in the world. You know why? Because if he were my husband and I found out he was a cheating bastard, I’d kill him and her. So let’s rip off the band aid, let’s get down to what’s important. That’s why you’re here right? It’s not for Loyal it’s for what he’s worth. What if he gives you the house? Say you can have it, free and clear does that sweeten the pot?”
“You’d give me the house?” she asks, looking at Loyal who looks so murderous it’s funny.
“I’d give you just about anything to get the fuck out of my life.”
“I’ll take the house,” she says in a victorious voice.
“Done,” I offer, “Loyal write that down, sign and date it. My friend is a realtor; she’ll get the deed transferred. I’ll handle the rest and bill your ex-wife for it. What else, Jill?”
“I still can’t sign the papers,” she says, looking at her stiletto clad feet.
“And why’s that?” I ask.
Staring at the floor she isn’t quick to answer. Honestly, it looks like she’s going to pass out. But when she whispers the words we both heard it loud and clear. “Because…we aren’t technically married.”
Loyal roars and charges forward, but I put myself between him and her. Pushing him back with my ass, I order him to stand down but he isn’t listening. “You lying fucking whore!” he screams reaching for her throat.
“I’m sorry,” she whispers, plastering herself against the door. “I didn’t mean to take it this far.”
When Loyal was safely in the kitchen breaking things, I approach her remembering the promise I made if I ever met the woman who hurt him. “That’s low,” I tell her.
“He owed me!” she screams thinking I’m no threat to her. “You don’t know what he’s like!”
“I know exactly what he’s like,” I growl leaning in. Taking the hint she backs the hell up. “You don’t get to fuck with him like that.”
“What do you care? He doesn’t love you either. He doesn’t love any
one because he’s fucking broken!”
“Speaking of broken,” I say, balling my fist. Letting it fly, I swing upward catching her square in her perfect nose. The crack was loud, bloody and beautiful. She crashes into the door grabbing her nose to staunch the flow.
“You broke my nose!” she wails. “Loyal, she hit me! She broke my nose!”
“Who gives a fuck about you? I don’t.” he shrugs from the safety of the kitchen.
“Get out Jill,” I warn her. “Or your wrists are next. You’ll have the paperwork when it’s ready.”
“I hate you,” she screams at him.
“No shit,” he says, rolling his eyes at her. Slamming the door you can hear her scream all the way down 8 Mile. Jesus Christ, that really just happened. In that moment, I needed not only a vacation but at least a dozen more therapy sessions to get my head right. That’s the big secret? Fuck, what a letdown.
“Rion---”
“You lied to me,” I tell him heading for the door. “I need to cool off. I’m heading to Senior’s.”
“It’s not safe---”
“I’m heading to Senior’s,” I whisper. “I can’t deal with you right now. Honestly Loyal, I don’t know how you deal with you.”
“You promised you wouldn’t quit when it got hard.”
Letting out a heart breaking laugh I tell him straight. “That was before I knew you thought you were married. At least I tried; you just bitched out by lying. Had your darling fake wife not showed up you wouldn’t have ever come clean. Loyal Hart, you’re the dirtiest person I know.”
Then slamming the door behind me, I bypass my dad’s place in favor of My Dad’s Place. I needed alcohol and I needed it now. As for Loyal, I didn’t give a fuck what he did as long as I wasn’t around for it.
‘When it's all finished, guess that depends on how you live. Just pray that all of your wrongs don't overshadow all that you did.’
