by K. S. Adkins
“Shoulda killed him,” Rio says joining me. “She ain’t ever gonna sleep knowing he’s breathing. Fuck, I ain’t gonna sleep right ever again.”
“I gave him a second chance,” I tell him turning away. “Everyone deserves one.”
“She got to you too, huh?”
“If you want a spot in her life you’re gonna have to make some changes,” I tell him changing the subject. “This ain’t a competition with you. She loves you, I don’t want to see her lose that, but you force my hand I will step in. She’s your best friend I’m cool with that long as you remember she’s my woman. You get that?”
“I got it,” he says, looking away. “I’ll figure it out, always have.”
“You know what to do,” I tell him, heading for the door. “Gentleman’s choice.”
Climbing into my truck and not looking back, I head to Rion. Whatever Rio does to that shithole is his choice, I had someplace else to be. Besides, that guy had some shit to work through alone and I wasn’t a god damn therapist. Navigating the streets and finding the entrance was all done on auto pilot. Once parked, I put my hands over my face and allowed myself the time I needed to lose it. I could lose it once, but that was it. After that, I had to be strong for her.
A warrior, like she thought me to be.
All that shit changed though, the second I opened the curtain she was behind and saw her in fluorescent lighting. Naked from the waist up the nurse was fucking counting the bite marks while a female cop asked her questions. Watching her answer the questions with a sure voice, I knew out of both of us she was the warrior. Rion went through hell and came out even stronger than she was before because she never admits defeat. Hell, I’m proof of that.
I clung to that when I took the seat next to her and held her hand.
“Are you okay?” she asks quietly once we’re alone. They took x-rays, blood and secured her shoulder all in a matter of minutes. Pain is written all over her and yet she’s asking me if I’m okay.
“No,” I admit. “I ain’t okay, you ain’t okay and this situation ain’t okay.”
“I’m heavily medicated and feeling chatty. Can I tell you something and you promise to listen?”
“Yeah.”
“Sweet sixteen was a busy year for me and Senior, right? Rio shows up angry and needing us, then a few weeks later this kid my age shows up needing us too. He told us his story and like that he became part of the crew. Senior never questioned second chances because he said it took balls to ask for one in the first place. Rio became head enforcer right away because he was older and at that time he needed to work out his anger anyway. Tank was around here and there but it was Henry that I spent the most time with in the beginning.”
“Rion---”
“Let me finish,” she says smiling up at me. “Henry didn’t say much about anything. He went where I went, did what I did and whatever Senior or Rio asked him to do. He wasn’t cut out to collect and instead of firing him he did paperwork or ran errands for my dad. He didn’t have any friends that I ever met and he looked so lost. Sometimes he would open up about things and even though I had no knowledge of his past you could tell he wasn’t a happy guy. We spent a lot of time together but we weren’t what you’d call close. He was pretty shut off. He didn’t interact with the guys, he only spoke to me. They guys let it go and I didn’t think much of it. Not everyone is as outgoing and lovable as I am, you know? The moral of this story is Henry or Honor rather, wasn’t always the man you saw today. I have to believe that or my faith in people would disintegrate.”
“He fucking took you,” I growl fisting her sheets. “He hurt you. I ain’t claiming that piece of shit as blood.”
“Yet you gave him a second chance.”
“After what he fucking did to you I shouldn’t have--” she cuts me off by placing her hand gently over my mouth.
“But you did,” she whispers. “I’m not excusing him, Loyal. Not even close. He’ll be held accountable for his actions. I want to know that after this we’ll both sleep at night putting him and this stupid bet behind us.”
“Do you get it was my fucking brother that did this to my woman? The woman I love? The only fucking woman crazy enough to love me back?”
“Yes I get it,” she says wincing as she tries to move her arm again. “Although, let me remind you that you weren’t a factor when this started. You also are not to blame for any of his actions either. The odds of him being the man responsible as well as the man we were searching for as your brother is almost too much to comprehend. But, his actions were his own. I’m here, Loyal. I’m still your woman and you’re still the only man I’ve ever loved. We need to get through this together, tell me you get that.”
“I get it,” I whisper releasing the sheets and clutching her hand again.
“I love you, Loyal,” she says, closing her eyes to sleep. “Did I tell you how proud of you I am? If not, I just did. The Marines saw what I see. A bad ass warrior. The Marine’s loss was my gain. I’ll heal up just fine, and then I want a rematch on the quads.”
Watching her drift off, I prayed she healed fine. But even if the body heals her mind will never be the same. She lived the nightmare, I just put an end to it but it never disappears.
Christ, we’ll be in therapy for ever because of this shit.
‘Hope you got a strong stomach.’
~Loyal
Over the years I’ve seen some shit.
There wasn’t much that shocked me. Acts of kindness shocked me more than acts of violence. Human beings were capable of all sorts of shit. But nothing and I mean nothing will erase the beating I witnessed Loyal put on Honor. Rion being unable to see it was a blessing. The damage that guy can cause with his bare hands is almost unbelievable. In seconds, he not only put his brother down, he left permanent damage behind. Without breaking a sweat or his stride he knocked him out fast as to not stress her out further. After that, he broke both of his arms, dislocated his shoulder and probably busted all of his ribs too, if I had to guess.
Eye for an eye.
Loyal told me when we pulled up, hope you have a strong stomach. After this, I knew I didn’t have the stomach for this shit, but he clearly did.
After getting stitched up and signing myself out, I stood just outside her curtain and listened to her declare her undying love for him. She didn’t love him a little bit, she loved him fully and he loved her too. I always wondered what her love would feel like, but it was clear I’d never know for myself. Thing was, he deserved to have her. I knew he’d protect her with his life and I had to be good with that.
I’d come back here to check on her and let her know I was fine. When she asked Loyal about my condition, where I was and when she could see me I was shocked he was cool about it. Guess when you got love like that you ain’t gotta worry about a piece of shit like me ruining it for you. He promised her she could see me once she was settled but that wasn’t going to happen.
Now that I know she’s going to be okay, it was time for me to go and stay gone. Watching those two fall harder for each other every day wasn’t something I was strong enough for. She’d probably want kids too and my heart tightens knowing it won’t be with me. I wasn’t gone long but while I was, I did some serious soul searching and couldn’t figure out if I loved her or was in love with her. I just knew because of him she wouldn’t need me anymore and I couldn’t handle it. She’s been my focus for so many years that I was without direction now. Stepping away from the curtain, I let one tear fall. Swiping it away, I walk towards the exit and hail a cab home.
When my phone rings and I see the number, I slide it to answer. In under thirty seconds I made a decision that would alter the course of my life. My past just offered me a job, easy money and I took it. All these years for Junior, I stayed straight. But thieving never left my blood. It was who I was and without Junior to call me on it, I decided not to fight the pull anymore.
He didn’t bother with explaining the terms and they didn’t matter. The price ta
g mattered, fifty grand mattered. I didn’t even hesitate before saying, “Consider it done.”
Climbing in the cab, I instruct the driver to take me to my place where I’d pack up quickly and leave to catch tonight’s ferry. If she ever found out she’d be disappointed but like all things Junior, she’d forgive me. This was about me now that she was finally safe. It was time to get back to doing what I did best.
Taking what didn’t belong to me.
‘All my life, my heart has yearned for a thing I cannot name.’
~Andre Breton
Since being home, Loyal has been on full alert and it’s mostly adorable. It’s the constant ‘you wanna talk about it’ bullshit that’s pissing me off. No, I didn’t want to talk about it because I’ve accepted it and was trying to move on. No, he wasn’t to blame and it was ridiculous to think that he was. No, I didn’t want another vanilla protein shake either because they’re disgusting. He can’t just sit down and talk to me; he’s pushing me for a reaction he simply isn’t going to get. Honor/Henry was fucked in the head, got it. Now let’s make out.
Each night, once I’m asleep, he keeps watch outside my door. It’s him doing that that keeps me from losing my shit. He’s still worried even though the threat is gone. I love him for that and am trying really hard to look past the pestering because Loyal was trying in his own way.
That’s why at four a.m. on a rainy Tuesday, I snuck out from my room with two pillows and a blanket to take up residence on the floor next to him outside my room. Quietly, I set the pillows down, wrap myself up in the blanket and hunker down. “What’s wrong?” he asks, coming fully awake. “You have a nightmare? You wanna talk about it? Ain’t nothing gonna happen to you----”
“Nothing’s wrong, I didn’t have a nightmare, but since we’re up I do want to talk about it.”
“Let’s get you back into bed first---” covering his mouth with my hand, I shut him down.
“I’m fine where I am, Loyal. We can talk here. I’ll even go first. How many nights do you plan spending out here in front of the door instead of in there with me?”
“I ain’t tired,” he grumbles. He’s also full of shit too. His eyes are puffy and he hasn’t shaved in days.
“You are tired,” I point out. “You’ve asked me a thousand times if I’m okay and I’m being honest when I say that I am. But, how are you? How are you handling all this?”
“You ain’t gotta worry about---”
“I asked you a question and I expect the truth. Let’s start with how you felt when you found out I was gone.”
“I ain’t got no words for that, Rion,” he whispers. “Don’t ask me---“
“How did it make you feel, Loyal?”
“Like my life was over, that I was a failure ‘cause I couldn’t even use my training. Like I was all out of chances.”
“Because you love me?”
“More than breathing,” he says pulling me toward him. “Without you, I got no air.”
“But here I am,” I say, pulling his face down to meet mine. “Stop living in the past and stay in the present with me, please.”
“I’m trying,” he groans. “He hurt you, my brother---”
Careful of my injured arm and shoulder, I straddle his lap and kiss him right on the mouth. “You didn’t get a chance to know him, I did. Even then I would have never pegged him for the crazy type, okay? People do stupid shit. He’s one of them. You found me, saved me and he’s paying for it. I miss you, alright? Like I don’t know you’re out here punishing yourself for something you didn’t do? Don’t let him win, Loyal. Come to bed with me. Move forward with me.”
“We got the same blood. Don’t think I’ve forgotten how I’ve hurt you too. I could hurt you again and not realize it until it was too late, that fucks with me Rion.”
“So this is the alternative? Sitting on the floor knowing I’m on the other side of the door? I could hurt you too, you know. There are all sorts of hurt and they aren’t all physical. The difference between you and him is that he didn’t recognize a problem, he didn’t want help, Loyal. You do.”
“Just let me work through this on my own alright? Fuck. I look at your black eyes, the cuts on your body and that god damn sling on your arm and know that I could have done that!” he yells carefully pushing himself away from me. Standing up he stomps into the kitchen to take his anger out in there. Following him, I lean against the wall and watch as he slowly comes unglued. He needs to purge this guilt from his system and I needed to let him, but I didn’t like where this was going. “A rolling pin,” he says to himself. “He hit you with a god damn rolling pin. He used his fists on you, undressed you. You couldn’t fucking see!” Throwing the plates that had been dried hours earlier crash against the wall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. “You’re covered in bite marks! He carved his name---” before finishing his sentence his knees buckle and he hits the floor with surprising force. Breaking away from the wall, I cover his body with my own as I watch and listen while Loyal tortures himself over things that were out of his control.
Holding him tight, I let him ride it out. I wasn’t a doctor, but I could see he was in panic mode. I even managed to hold my own panic back until he stopped breathing.
‘If you don't deal with your demons, they will deal with you, and it's gonna hurt.’
~Nikki Sixx
Couldn’t breathe.
This right here is why I don’t sleep. I fucking can’t. Every time I close my eyes I remember her tied to that god damn bed, blinded by swollen eyes courtesy of my brother. She was naked, he was on top of her, she was bleeding and screaming because he was hurting her and I hadn’t got there fast enough. I could have spared her the torture but I was too slow.
I failed my woman.
Thing is, I need her to wig out so I can focus on something other than my own shit. But she won’t because you can see she’s dealing with it just fine, only I ain’t. Replaying it my head complete horror washed over me so swift that I couldn’t stop myself from hitting the floor. One second I was standing, the next my cheek was on the tile. Then she was there covering me while I went off the fucking deep end.
Flashbacks assaulted me from every angle. Every horrific moment of my life was on replay with sound and color. The images weren’t in order either; they were mixed up with some events blending into others. Clutching my head wouldn’t make it stop, thrashing wouldn’t either. If I couldn’t disengage from this I would be a head case and I knew it. It was the images of hurting Rion that were destroying me the most. I wasn’t good for her, in fact I was toxic. Shame over my behavior was sucking me down into a black hole and I couldn’t find my way out.
Fighting for air, I wondered if I held my breath if I could last longer. There wasn’t enough oxygen, there wasn’t--- just as I figured this was it, I felt air filling my lungs. Hot soothing air that had me begging for more of it. Taking deep pulls I’m rewarded with a measure of calm. That’s when the good images of Rion appeared, all of them. Her smile, her laugh, her telling me she loves me and her mouth as she kisses me.
Finally able to open my eyes, I wasn’t startled when our eyes were inches apart. “There you are,” she says with tears running down her face. “You scared me, Loyal.”
“What the hell happened?” I ask. Slowly she backs away only to lie next to me on the floor with her head on my chest. “I think you had a serious panic attack,” she says while running her fingers over me. “You were hyperventilating and stopped breathing.”
“It was you, filling my lungs.”
“Yes.”
Sitting up fast, I move her away from me gently then grab my wallet and keys. “Gotta go,” I tell her walking toward the door. “I’ll be back.”
“Don’t do this,” she begs me, “god dammit, Loyal, don’t walk out on me again. Whatever it is we can get through it!”
“I ain’t walking out,” I tell her. “Got some shit to do, rest until I get---”
“Unbelievable,” she mumbles getting off th
e floor.
“Rion---”
“You know what? Just go.” Then walking back into her room, she slams the door and it doesn’t go unnoticed that she engaged the lock either.
Debating on what to do only took a moment. Nope, still going. I had something important to do.
She’d get over it, she had to, she loved me.
Three hours, two stops, a phone call, one parking ticket and line of credit later I was headed back home with a plan.
‘All them years I wasted being angry. I can’t even be pissed about it. Not when I get to wake up to your face every morning. If I could do it, I’d write thousands of poems about that face you make just for me.’
~ Loyal
He’s coming back.
I figured if I said this enough it would come true. These stupid pain meds were making me hormonal. Oh bullshit. He’s making me hormonal. He fucking left. I’m still not over it. For an hour I tossed and turned in bed. An hour later, I finally found a button down shirt I could wear and that only took twenty minutes to put on then it was back to brooding. A half hour after that, I grabbed my keys and went across the hall to work. He had shit to do. Yeah well, I had shit to do to!
Now sitting at my desk all I could do was stare at a computer I couldn’t fucking type on! Why couldn’t he have rolling pinned my left arm? Ugh. The voicemails were generic and not worth the effort, the time cards weren’t in because gee wiz, my two enforcers weren’t active and…
“Why ain’t you in bed?” he says, looming from the door. Looking up at him the first feeling was relief followed by pure bitch. A nicer person would be glad he showed and I was, but now my inner bitch wanted out. You can’t reason with her. “Why ain’t you getting your shit done?” I say in a mocking tone.
