Back to that again. No matter what, Rayann thought of that night constantly. The precise images were blurred in her mind, but one sketchbook, the one stuffed to the farthest reaches of the closet, was filled with images of Louisa's face and hands. Details of her lips and eyes covered the corners of pages. Every time Rayann saw the ironwood block she saw Louisa in it. It was a project she would never start.
Louisa emerged from the stairway, followed by Ann with several records tucked under one arm.
"Did you want to see me about anything?" Rayann couldn't keep sarcasm out of her voice.
"Oh, no, not really, dear," her mother said. "I was over at Kaiser Center and had no appointments so I just stopped in." She smiled and patted the records lovingly. "I had ulterior motives. Jim knows a sound engineer who will make masters of these and put them on digital tape so they can be enjoyed for years to come."
"You're still seeing him? I'm glad, you said he was special."
"Very special. I'll even hazard a guess you might like him." Ann's smile was brilliant.
"I don't know, Mom," Rayann said, with a half-laugh. "We don't have a very good batting average when it comes to approving romantic relationships."
The doors chimed behind Rayann and from the pleased smile that creased Louisa's lips Rayann knew it was Zoraida. I need this like I need leprosy.
"Speak of the devil," Louisa said.
Rayann turned. She wanted to react as usual to Zoraida's presence but she was temporarily crippled by her mother's presence. Without nearly enough breath in her body she introduced Zoraida to her mother.
"A pleasure," Zoraida said, shaking hands. Rayann saw that Zoraida's black hair carried a slight purple sheen that matched the vivid purple of her open-necked buccaneer's shirt.
"What have you done to your hair?" Rayann was sure her mother would think Zoraida a complete radical.
Zoraida's eyes widened. "You don't like it?"
"Of course I do…"
"It'll rinse out…"
"It's charming," Louisa said.
"Rayann's just jealous. She couldn't carry off such an elegant statement," Ann said. She ignored Rayann's gape. "Besides, she hates change. You should have seen the fit she threw when I put raisins in her oatmeal."
"Mother…" Rayann felt her face burn.
"It's true, dear," her mother said, then she laughed. "You should see your face right now. I'll bet you're glad I don't have that picture of you jumping up and down in the flour bin, stark naked."
"I'd love to see it," both Louisa and Zoraida said at almost the same moment.
"I want to die," Rayann moaned.
"Well, I never got the chance to embarrass you in front of a date before. Gosh, it's fun."
"I loved doing it to Teddy," Louisa said.
They're doing it again. Rayann wanted to crawl under a rock while her mother and Louisa detailed the most embarrassing things their children had ever done.
"Enough," Rayann cried when her mother started on the story about six-year-old Rayann's burning desire to be Mary Poppins when she grew up. "Zoraida, please, isn't it time to go?"
"Sure, novia. Ms. Germaine, it was a pleasure." Rayann watched in a numb state while Zoraida shook hands with her mother. As they left, Louisa and Ann were already deep in discussion of big band and swing.
"What's wrong, novia?' Zoraida patiently negotiated the side streets, then the freeway onramp.
"That was my mother."
"So?"
"I spent years hiding what I was from her and now she's so... so embracing. I'm not used to it."
"Do you know how many lesbians would give their eyeteeth to have their mothers embrace their lifestyle?"
"Okay, lots. I'm just not used to it." Would they be happy if their mothers apparently had so much in common with someone they lov… had slept with?
She liked being with Zoraida. She liked Zoraida's energy and strength. Rayann decided the only fair thing to do was concentrate on that. The setting sun limned Zoraida in a halo of purple. "I really do like your hair," Rayann said.
"Really? I'm glad. I wanted to do something for Valentine's, but the thought of pink made me gag."
"Purple's much more appropriate."
And suddenly everything with Zoraida was level again. They held hands when they blended into the crowd waiting to enter the Sweetheart's Ball, and danced the moment the music began. When they found Dedric and Judy in the throng, they split up, Dedric and Zoraida leaving the dance floor for the cool balcony outside the hall while Judy and Rayann fought through the crowds of dazzlingly dressed women to get to the buffet tables. They filled plates and headed for the balconies, passing Zoraida and Dedric on the dance floor, apparently having cooled off sufficiently.
"So how's business?"
"Very depressing. My phone's ringing off the hook," Judy said. She balanced her plate on one knee, perched on the concrete edge of a planter box. "I live with constant ambiguity. I like having enough cash to pay my share of the rent, but it means another woman needed therapy. What's new with you? You and Zoraida seem to have something steady going."
"Oh, yeah, she's nice. I enjoy being with her." Rayann nibbled on a canapé and then realized Judy had fixed her with a strange, penetrating stare.
"That does not sound like a declaration of love. Cut flowers are nice. You enjoy being with an elderly aunt."
"I didn't mean it that way. We get along very nicely, but I don't think it goes too deep with either of us."
"Nice arrangement, if it's true." Judy stripped a delicate skewer of shrimp and vegetables, then picked out the shrimp.
"You should eat your vegetables."
"Thanks. I get enough of that from Dedric."
"Judy," Rayann began tentatively. "I need some advice."
"Uh-oh. And no couch in sight."
"Oh, shush. It's just, well, what would you say if I said Louisa and I had had... you know..."
"You're kidding." Judy blinked and then stared at Rayann with both eyebrows hidden under her bangs.
Rayann shook her head. "Christmas Eve. She, I... we haven't repeated it."
"Why?"
"Because she's in a long-term relationship. She... doesn't want to."
"I see. She doesn't want to, but you do?"
"No," Rayann protested, but she knew she lacked conviction. "I'm just confused, because I can't put it out of my mind."
"I think it's shabby."
"What?"
"You are also in a relationship. I think using Zoraida like that is shabby."
"But Zoraida knows," Rayann protested.
"Then I think that's a little weird, but to each her own." Judy munched thoughtfully on a piece of zucchini. "Ray, why are you asking my advice?"
"Because I don't know why I'm so attracted to Louisa."
"And you think I can look deep into your psyche and explain it for you? Ray, if I could do that I'd be richer than God. No one knows why we're attracted to each other. But you obviously want to get over it."
"There's no future in it. But... I wish there were." Rayann said it so quietly she thought Judy might have missed it, but she hadn't.
"Then you should examine your options, and be serious about it."
"I had enough of that after I left Michelle."
"Rayann, what do you want me to say? I'm not your therapist." Judy stared at her.
"I want you to say it's okay. What I feel."
"Feelings are almost always valid…"
"No psychoanalytic bullshit, please."
"You think my life's work is bullshit. I'm glad we had this conversation." Judy stood up.
"I'm sorry, Jude, I'm sorry. I need a friend's advice."
"Good, because I don't deal in pat diagnoses. And wouldn't I love to get you on a couch," she finished, with a Groucho Marx leer that faded into a sigh. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize how involved you were. As a friend, Ray, I'm concerned for you. If, as you say, there's no future in this, then your staying under the same roof seems unhealthy. And the
difference in your age... it concerns me, too. All the stereotypes of May-December romances portray the relationship as May making December feel young again which is what December wants. But Louisa — bearing in mind I've only met her once — does not strike me as someone who wants to change her life that way. She didn't strike me as a woman who would use someone else to make her feel younger. She seemed rooted in her sense of self, a very secure and confident person, Ray, as a friend — as a friend, dear — I'm not sure continuing to live with her, given the way you feel, is a good idea. Not when she has everything she needs already…"
"And has no reason to need me," Rayann finished. "I know, I know. And there's Danny. But I can't help myself and I keep hoping I'll wake up cured some day." Rayann stood up and stretched.
"You can always dream," Judy said.
"One last question?" When Judy smiled tolerantly, Rayann continued, "what would you do if some day I did show up with Louisa?"
"Do? Go right on loving you, of course."
"But what would you think?"
Judy laughed and put her arm around Rayann. Rayann hugged her back. "I'd think private thoughts."
"You wouldn't tell me?"
"I hated Michelle, but what would you have done if I'd told you that?"
Rayann sighed and she and Judy began to rock slowly to the music wafting onto the balcony. "I'd have chosen her over you, of course. I get the point."
"Don't let us interrupt," a voice said dryly.
Rayann looked over her shoulder and released Judy after the last hug. Dedric's tone was negated by the indulgent smile curving her lips. Zoraida had one eyebrow raised in mock disapproval.
"She's the best," Rayann said.
Dedric's smile widened. "I know."
"Hold, sweetheart. It's a million degrees in there." Zoraida handed Rayann and Judy glasses of punch. "I just grabbed as many as I could carry. Though I have discovered you in the arms of another, I'll share."
"So how's the dancing," Rayann asked. She moved slightly toward Zoraida while Dedric moved closer to Judy.
"They started a conga line, if you can believe it."
After the conga line of three hundred or so had bunny-hopped past them, Rayann swept Zoraida to the dance floor, inviting her to lead. The conversation with Judy still played in her mind, and she knew she was using Zoraida. It was only acceptable because Zoraida knew.
She made certain later, then, that Zoraida had no regrets.
"Wish you could stay the night," Zoraida murmured, her voice groggy with satisfaction and sleep.
"You know what happened last time." Rayann was not going to repeat the streaming eyes and asthmatic attack that arrived when she had stayed too long.
"I know." Zoraida kissed her. "Whizzer doesn't mean to make you sneeze."
"Probably not." But Rayann had the feeling Whizzer knew Rayann’s time was limited, and her yellow eyes gleamed with satisfaction when Rayann left, so easily vanquished by a little well-placed fur. "You can't go to sleep. You have to drive me home."
"Okay," Zoraida murmured, dragging herself out of bed. "Good lord, I can hardly move. You are one hard-lovin' mama, novia. I'm worn out."
"I'm not so steady on my feet, either," Rayann said, picking her clothes off the floor.
Suddenly Zoraida grabbed her, pulling her onto the bed. "You are so beautiful when you bend over. Your spine makes me crazy." She tickled Rayann vigorously, but her fingers soon began to stroke Rayann's ribs instead of tickling them. "Stay a little longer," she said. "One more time."
"I'm so glad you couldn't think of a book-buying angle for St. Patrick's Day," Louisa said. She stretched, hands clasped over her head. Sunlight streamed through her fingertips in ribbons of gold and gray. Rayann itched for a pencil and sketchpad. "I'm still recovering from Valentine's."
Danny, leaning comfortably on the back of the chair she sat astride, hoisted her coffee cup in a toast. "Top o' the mornin' to ya." She sipped her coffee. "Damn, this is good stuff. What did you do, Lou, wash the pot or something?"
"Rayann made it. It's a special blend she grinds up."
Rayann squirmed under Danny's gaze. She thought Danny knew how Rayann felt about Louisa and she was glad Danny didn't know she had turned down a job offer because it would have meant having no reason to stay in Louisa's home. The job hadn't been all that great anyway. "I should probably go unlock the front door," she said nervously.
"Oh, there's fifteen minutes, at least," Louisa said. "You're a real slave driver." She started when there was a knock at the back door. "Who on earth?" Louisa went to the back porch. "Teddy, what a surprise!"
Rayann hardly had enough time to analyze what happened next. Danny leapt to her feet and dragged Rayann to the stairs with her, then down them, fiercely whispering. "Turn off the alarm and let me out the front door. For God's sake, hurry."
In a daze, Rayann followed Danny. "What are you doing? What's going on?"
"Will you get a move on? Louisa's life’ll be hell if he sees me. He hasn't seen me since he went to college and it's better that he doesn't."
"But what about me?"
"I doubt he knows you're gay. I took one look and knew you were a dyke, but he'd never guess."
Rayann punched in the alarm code and shot back the bolts on the door, then unlocked the wrought iron gate. "But what about his mother? He loves her — how can he be like that?"
Danny didn't answer as she hurried through the door. Rayann followed her down the steps and grabbed her arm, pulling her to a stop. "Danny, wait! How can she live like this? Why do you cooperate with the lie?"
"Friends don't put conditions on their love. I visit at morning or late evening or she comes to my place. It's the price. Love's always got a price. She paid hers."
"But I don't understand."
"You wouldn't," Danny said vehemently. "You were in diapers when she made her choices. Keeping Ted's love has cost her plenty. She had to bury what she is to keep him."
"But why?" Rayann's bewilderment was complete.
"Because he was all she had. Bar dykes like me didn't accept her — kept trying to make her femme because she had a kid. And one word from an employer brought a social worker around to investigate. She walked to hell and back for that kid." Danny wrenched her arm away. "Not that he's got any more idea than you what it cost her."
"Hey, I'm a dyke, too. I understand."
"You ever been arrested? Ever been called bulldyke or a fucking queer? Ever had a rock thrown at you because of the way you're dressed?" Danny's eyes blazed.
"No," Rayann whispered. "But I'm still a lesbian."
"You can't possibly understand."
"But I want to. Danny, I want to understand." She blinked back tears.
"I have to go before he sees me. For heaven's sake, go inside and support her. If you think this is easy for her you're crazy." Danny was in her aging half-ton pickup in a flash, and down the street within moments. Rayann went back inside, and hearing the murmur of voices, went upstairs after a few deep breaths.
Teddy sat in the chair Danny had vacated. There was no sign of Danny's coffee cup. He sipped from a different mug. "Hi there," he said. "How's business?"
"Booming," Rayann managed. She had started to like him, not knowing a bigot lurked within. You bastard, you fake liberal homophobic bastard. Rayann pictured a Ken doll with pins in it, particularly in the non-anatomically correct parts. Bette Davis would have you for lunch.
Louisa's color was unusually high, as was her voice. Rayann watched her talk to her son and saw, for the first time, uncertainty in her manner. She hated seeing Louisa so changed and pictured tweezers plucking out hairs one by one. And not from his head.
She could hardly stop herself from glowering at him, but the anger she felt began to spread from Teddy to Louisa. Whatever price she had paid during his youth was one thing, but Louisa was long since an adult. Rayann had never noticed that Danny's visits were at times when Ted was least likely to drop by. What did she have to lose now? What kept her
from living with Danny now, if that's what she wanted?
"I almost forgot why I stopped," Teddy was saying. He reached into his breast pocket. "New school pictures."
Louisa's face softened into fond indulgence as she examined the photo of Tucker. Rayann knew she had her answer.
Teddy left a short time later, kissing Louisa goodbye.
Louisa watched after him for a few minutes, then turned away. Rayann saw that her hands were shaking. Those hands, the most powerful hands I've ever felt.
"Louisa, why?" Rayann's whispered question hung in the room while Louisa sank into the rocker and put her head in her hands.
"I don't have to justify myself to you," Louisa said, after a long silence. "I've done what I've had to do. God, it was such a close call."
"I wish I could help somehow," Rayann said quietly. "I wish there was something I could do."
"If you want to help then stop looking at me like that," Louisa said, raising her head. "Why do you think I don't embrace the community? Because every time I've met another lesbian and told her I wasn't out to my son she looked at me the way you are right now. Like I'm gutless."
"That's not what I think," Rayann protested. "I think you're one of the bravest women I know. That's why this doesn't make sense."
"You couldn't understand."
"But I want to," Rayann said sharply, then she calmed herself. "I want to understand, Louisa. Give me the credit for being able to."
"You're so young."
"I'm not a child," Rayann said intensely. "I can understand."
"But how can you?" Louisa shook her head. "I lived through a time you can't experience. Just the way I can't experience the time you're living in. You came of age when it was almost okay to be gay. You're free to choose so many things. That was not the way it was in Merced, California. Not by a long shot."
"Tell me about it," Rayann invited quietly. The chimes downstairs sounded and Louisa closed her eyes. 'I'll go," Rayann said, hoping her voice did not sound as dejected as she felt. Louisa would not tell her because she thought Rayann couldn't understand. Rayann was a mere child.
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