"I've been busy this morning. Walk this way," Louisa said. Her smile was almost natural, but the lines of her face were cut deep with stress — and pain.
"If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the talcum powder," Rayann whispered at her, aware of the customers.
Louisa laughed and held back the curtain to the empty storeroom. Newspaper had been spread out to approximate where shelves would be. Rayann saw immediately that Louisa had already planned out the best use of space — it would be full but not too cramped.
Louisa walked to one wall and spread her arms in front of it. "Women's studies, sociology and her story." She walked to the opposite wall, spreading her arms again. "Health, psychology, child rearing, parapsychology, spirituality." Then she went to the third wall, the one directly opposite the doorway. She rested her hands on it. "My favorite wall. Fiction for lesbians."
Rayann reached up and pushed her jaw shut when it wouldn't close by itself.
"And these," Louisa said, turning and indicating the shelves that would be in the middle of the room, "are for magazines and journals, with display cases on top for consignments from local women artists — one in particular whom I happen to know rather well." Louisa raised her eyebrows suggestively at Rayann. "I don't want them any more than four feet tall — I want everyone to be able to see everything that's here for them. I don't want that wall —" she pointed at the wall for fiction for lesbians, "to be hidden in any way. No more hiding. I've paid my price."
Rayann was swallowing rapidly, forcing back the welling tears so she could engrave the image she wanted to keep for the rest of her life — the image of a free woman. "Ill get started right away," she said, trying to keep her voice level. "What about the regular customers?"
"If they can't accept something bigger in their life then screw 'em. I don't want to alienate them, I don't want them to feel as if they've lost anything, but they'll know there is another world in here if they want to enter it. Besides, I have a marketing director extraordinaire on my staff who will probably find the right pitch to make everyone feel served."
"You said we'd have to be done the last week in June." Rayann looked into her lover's face, drawing on the strength.
"Specifically, the second to last weekend in June." Louisa laughed when Rayann shook her head, not understanding. "Some lesbian you are if you don't know. It's a natural for marketing the expansion."
Rayann grinned as she realized the significance of the date. "The Lesbian and Gay Pride Parade. We'd have to open the day before."
"Of course."
"And get the word out that we're here."
"Of course."
"I want to call it The Woman's Reader," Rayann said. She stopped. "But it's your bookstore, your choice."
"Not anymore," Louisa said. "It's finally getting bigger than me. And the Rubicon is finally behind me."
"This doorway is not big enough," Rayann muttered. She had yet again smacked an armload of cut planks into the frame, bruising herself — yet again. The 'Pardon Our Dust — The Woman's Reader will be open soon" sign fell down, again.
"You're trying to move too fast," Louisa said.
Rayann dropped the load with a clatter. "Well, that's the last of shelf wood."
"Good," Louisa said. She suddenly smiled brilliantly. "I'm going out to dinner with my son, sweetie. You don't mind eating alone tonight, do you?"
"He called?"
"He had to. I wasn't going to call him. I thought he'd hold out longer than this, though."
"He misses you, I'm sure," Rayann said. "Of course I don't mind eating alone. I hope everything goes... the way you want it to." Last night she had caught Louisa staring wistfully at the last school picture of Tucker. She could sense the empty space in Louisa but she had no way of filling it.
The bookstore seemed particularly empty after Louisa left, but Greta and Hazel stopped in. Rayann was glad they were alone. She told them about her new relationship with Louisa and after accepting their congratulations, she showed them the plans for the expansion.
"I may not be reading espionage novels for quite a while," Hazel said. She was perusing one of the order lists with promising titles such as The Love of Good Women and On Strike Against God: A Lesbian Love Story. "I'm going to be very busy."
"I didn't realize," Greta said with a pleased smile. "There are so many books."
"I used to feel that way," Rayann said with a laugh. "But now I feel there just aren't enough. Of course after I shelve all these books I'll probably think there are too many."
"This is very exciting," Hazel said in a matter-of-fact voice. "I would be delighted to help in any way I can."
"It would give us both something to do — if there's any little thing," Greta said.
"Thank you both." Rayann was touched. She impulsively hugged Greta, but knew better than to hug Hazel. "Louisa and I will keep it in mind, you can be sure. Of course I'll have to tell her about the two of you."
"Of course, of course," Hazel said. Her hungry gaze rested on the book list again.
The store was even quieter after the two older women left. When Louisa came in Rayann said, "Hello, you gorgeous thing you," from her comfortable perch on Louisa's high stool. In lieu of dinner, she was redrawing her brochure layout for the battered women's shelter so she could show it to the director in the morning.
"Hello yourself. I take it there's no one here."
"No one but us chickens."
"Good." Louisa took a deep breath, put her hands on either side of her head — as if to hold it on — and then let loose a screaming groan of chagrin, anger and despair. "How could I have raised such a devious, stubborn worthless child!" She gave another groan, dropped her arms on the counter and banged her forehead once on her arms.
"I take it things didn't go well," Rayann said tentatively. She could see Louisa was angry, but her sense of humor appeared to be intact.
"I thought everything was peachy. We went to a nice restaurant and talked generally through dinner, like we always did. Then he says he thinks we should do it more often. I got the idea he thought we should do it instead of the way we used to see each other — here. And there was no mention of my grandson."
"And?"
"I asked him if he ever planned to set foot in my house again or did he think we could have a meaningful mother-and-son relationship in restaurants. Do you know what he had the nerve to say — I know how Lear felt! He said he hasn't made up his mind. He would decide if I could see him again, apparently forgetting that I was in complete control of whether he ever saw me again. I walked out and took a cab home. I'm still speechless."
"Not exactly speechless," Rayann said with a gentle smile.
"I'm so angry at him, but — I don't feel as if I've had an amputation anymore. I just feel sad it has to be this way. I spent thirty years telling myself I didn't have a right to my feelings and that his were more important, more valid. Now that I've seen what a crock that is,' Louisa looked fiercely into Rayann's eyes, "I won't get trapped again. He has to understand that I can live without him. I can get by without seeing my grandson, though it will hurt. Whether he can live without me is what he has to decide — that is what he's choosing."
"Mom."
Rayann almost jumped out of her skin. Louisa whirled around to face Teddy. They had been so intent they hadn't heard the quietly opening door.
"Unless you have an acceptable counteroffer, counselor, there's no point in discussing anything." Rayann cringed at the cutting tone of Louisa's voice. She was glad Louisa's sarcasm was not directed at her.
"Can we go upstairs?"
"What's wrong with here?" Louisa stood her ground.
Ted bit his lower lip in a gesture that reminded Rayann of Louisa. "If I learned one thing from the very fine law school you worked so hard to put me through, it's that negotiations are better handled in private." He glanced at Rayann. "I don't mean to be rude to you, Rayann."
"I agree with you. This is private between you and Louisa," Rayann said
. Louisa glanced at her, then nodded at Teddy, leading the way to the stairs.
"I will warn you that only a one hundred percent reversal of your current attitude is acceptable," Louisa said as they disappeared.
Rayann heard Teddy say, "That's my offer. I still have some reservations, but I can't live without you in my life, Mom, but..." His voice faded away, but Rayann had heard enough. Her anxiety faded into hope.
She finished the sketch of the brochure while trying to ignore the creak of the floorboards overhead — someone was doing a lot of pacing. For the brochure she had decided on the theme, "Because You Can," and shamelessly aimed the copy at people who liked to pat themselves on the back for helping the less fortunate. She thought it was effective and she hoped the shelter director agreed.
It was almost an hour and a half before Louisa came downstairs. She looked exhausted but her face was glowing. "Everything I said before, about the worthless child I raised, I take back most of it."
"It's going to be okay?"
"I think so. I asked him how he'd feel if I remarried and he admitted he'd probably feel some of the same sense of loss. It's been just him, Tucker and me for so long that this sudden development really threw him for a loss. He said he'd been thinking about dating you not because he had any particular romantic urges toward you, but because I liked you so much and Tucker seems to like you, too. He sensed that you would be a perfect addition to the family. I had to agree, of course."
"Does he forgive me for calling him a phony bastard?" Rayann put down her finished drawing and slid off the stool. She'd locked up and closed the blinds some time ago.
Louisa laughed — a clear, uninhibited laugh of joy. "He said it really shook him up and he started to question his liberal credentials. I told him perhaps he should get them renewed. But my walking out on him made him realize I had all the cards and he knows when he's beaten."
"So he basically gave in?" Rayann didn't like the sound of that.
"When he first got here that was how he put it — giving in. But I think he's ready to see this isn't a battle with me winning and him losing, not like a court case. He's ready, I think, to grow a little at a time and discover the new joy of a larger family. I expect him to keep making up conditions, but we'll work it out. I can't wait for him to meet Jim Dove. They probably already know each other, now that I think about it, but Teddy could use a role model."
"Louisa," Rayann said slowly, "not to change the subject, but before this all started, we had reached a new understanding about a certain something and the... the, well consummation, so to speak, of the new understanding, was rudely interrupted. I know you just needed me... to be there, and... but now that you can forget about Ted. Well... everything in bed has been great, you have been just incredible for me and... I'd still like to... you know... equalize things a little."
Louisa buried her hands in her hair, removing her combs. "Darling, you've been wonderful. You can't understand how knowing I'm making you happy has given me strength."
"I do understand, a little."
With a deep, heartfelt sigh, Louisa shook the silver-black masses of her hair down her back and around her shoulders. "Right now I'm ready to try anything."
"Ooooh," Rayann said, keeping the moment light. Despite Louisa's apparent ease, she sensed that Louisa was a little nervous. "That is an offer I have no intention of refusing."
They ran upstairs and breathlessly collapsed on the bed. Louisa laughed then assumed a stiff, prone position. "Okay," she said. "I'm ready. You take over."
Rayann smiled and kissed Louisa, knowing that Louisa's laughter was a symptom of her vulnerability. "Darling, it isn't... I don't want to take over. I just want to reciprocate and share in lovemaking that pleases both of us." Rayann stood up and slowly removed her clothing, then returned to the bed, sliding herself along the length of Louisa's clothed body. "I like this," she whispered. "I like being naked first. I never thought blue jeans could be so erotic."
"Shall I take them off?"
"When you want to. When you can't stand having them on anymore," Rayann said. She moved on top of Louisa, seeking her mouth. Louisa's lips captured hers. "I have an idea," Rayann said, when she raised her head. "Let's try kissing with my lips on the outside."
"What?"
"Well," Rayann said, aware that Louisa was tensing again, "your lips are usually more on the outside, you know, like this." She demonstrated.
"It feels… right," Louisa said.
"I agree, but let's try it this way."
They pressed their lips together, Rayann consciously shaping her mouth in a new way. Two, three, four seconds passed and then she raised her head. They stared at each other for a few more seconds then burst out laughing.
"That was so strange," Rayann said. "I like your way much better."
The laughter relaxed Louisa again. "I like it, too. Kiss me again," she said.
Lips against lips, their mouths melted together. Rayann opened her mouth to Louisa's exploration, rolling her back so she was cradled in Louisa's arms. The knit of Louisa's polo shirt was soft against her breasts. The denim covering Louisa's legs brushed the inside of Rayann's knees.
Louisa raised her head at last, and Rayann looked dizzily up at her. "It isn't fair," Rayann whispered.
"What isn't?" Louisa's mouth found Rayann's breast, heat on cool skin.
Whatever Rayann was going to answer came out as a soft "ah" as Louisa traced a path with one lazy finger between Rayann's breasts, across the soft down of her stomach, then lower. Rayann closed her eyes, feeling the searing touch of Louisa's finger... lower. Oh, don't tease.
She didn't know when Louisa had taken her clothes off, only recognized the velvet press of Louisa's body against her. Her hands found the alluring angles of Louisa's back, smoothing across and around. This texture... like the ironwood, so warm and yielding but strong.
She could picture the block finished now. Louisa kneeling, resting back on her haunches. She is lifting her hair from her shoulders, pulling it above her head, arms at rest as she arches her neck... "Louisa, oh..." Her hands explored everywhere, recording and learning again, engraving the memories deeper and deeper so they would come to her when she applied chisel and hammer to the block. What do her breasts feel like... I have to touch them again. Rayann rolled over and over, caressing the voluptuous flesh with her mouth and fingers. She'll have to pose for me... too good.
"Rayann, darling… whatever you want."
Louisa's hands were on her again, sweeping over her stomach and arms, then clutching her hands as Rayann knelt, her tongue brushing the length of Louisa's trembling thigh... from knee to hair line, gathering Louisa's hips in her arms.
Her mouth drank the desire she found, tongue sweeping through the tender flesh. Too fast, too soon. Louisa's legs were stiff, her body tense. Rayann lifted her head. Slowly. She kissed gently, then Louisa's hands were behind her head.
"Don't tease me," she pleaded.
Tears welled up in Rayann, mingling with the other wetness on her face. Never, darling. She knew her hands would ache tomorrow from Louisa's fierce hold of them, but she set that aside, channeling all her love to her lips and tongue, tasting each change in Louisa, interpreting every gasping shudder or moaning quiver into a response that gave more pleasure. She heard her name cried out in her lover's passion-charged voice — the sound mingled with the smell and the taste, mixing into the vivid moment of frozen tension before Louisa called to her again, in a softer, crooning tone. Rayann recognized the quality of Louisa's voice — it sounded like Rayann's so often sounded as she tried to catch her breath after Louisa had touched every nerve.
"Come hold me," Louisa said, her body slumping as she released Rayann's hands.
"You're sp beautiful," Rayann whispered, rocking Louisa gently in her arms. "I hope you'll let me do that again sometime."
Louisa stirred, her voice groggy. "After that I'm willing to let you try anything."
Jubilation surged into Rayann's head, making her gid
dy and dizzy. "Anything. Hmm. I'm not afraid to make demands." She spread herself under Louisa's body, pulling Louisa's hips to her own.
"Which are?”
"Let's start over and do everything again."
"We're going to run out of paper bags," Louisa muttered anxiously as she peered under the counter at the dwindling supply.
"We'll just ask people if they have to have one, that's all. Just be sure they get a bookmark," Rayann said. "Will you be okay here?"
"Of course," Louisa answered. She turned to the next woman in the line waiting to pay for her books.
Rayann eased her way through the crush, stopping to say hello to women she knew, accepting Judy's exuberant congratulations and pointing out several books to Dedric when she asked for something "really hot."
She expected to be inundated with "do you have" and "where would I find" as she had the last time she had ventured into The Woman's Reader, but to her delight Hazel Schoemsson was fielding all questions, faultlessly pointing out the location of books, along with a general description of size and color that helped the customer find it. Hazel's cheeks were glowing as she gazed at all the young women milling around her.
Grinning, Rayann headed for the counter to help Louisa. She had never expected the bookstore to be wall-to-wall women — she had even thought that pre-Parade activities would keep women involved elsewhere throughout the area. For a Friday evening, it was a good crowd. She returned the smiles and nods of several women she recognized before delivering flyers announcing the "Just For You" addition to The Common Reader Bookstore.
As she gained the counter she realized Louisa didn't need her help. Greta Schoemsson was comfortably seated on Louisa's stool, stacking books and inserting bookmarks and making pleasant conversation with the women who were waiting patiently to check out.
Maybe it was the word sale that did it. Rayann noted that many of the women had taken advantage of the discounts on "all other books" they purchased with the purchase of two books from the new Woman's Reader.
"Rayann, dear, what on earth is going on?"
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