“Man, we had some wild times here.” His eyes crawl down me. “Weren’t you there? With Julian?”
“Yep,” I say.
“A shame he got to you before I could,” he says.
“Excuse me?”
“It’s a compliment,” he says. “Come on.”
“Whatever,” I say, swallowing my anger. “What are you doing back anyway?”
“It’s my mom’s birthday.”
“I mean back here, at school. In the parking lot.”
He shrugs. “Thought I’d come back and see how it was holding up. See some of the guys on the team.”
He misses it, I realize, with sudden clarity. He misses being king of high school. These were his glory days. I never, ever want to be like that. Like him.
“How is it in Arizona?” I ask.
“Yeah, it’s all right. Why? You thinking of going there? If you want to come check out the campus, you could always stay at my place. I’ve got a sweet apartment.”
The invitation is heavy with the other, unspoken invitation.
I flash him a smile full of teeth. “Maybe,” I say. What I mean is never.
“I heard you are dating that Seth Rogers kid. I remember him. Real weird guy.”
I stiffen. Why would Nick Forrester care who I was dating?
“Standards slipping?” he says with a sloppy grin.
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I say.
Dre is bristling next to me.
“You just always came off as real picky about guys. Even as a freshman. You don’t meet many freshmen who are picky about what seniors they hook up with.”
That’s it. I don’t need to put up with this crap. “What the hell?” I say. “You think you can just strut up to me and start insulting me? You don’t even go here anymore.”
Nick holds up his hands. “Whoa, whoa. Calm down. All I’ve done is compliment you. Jesus.”
“Well, it didn’t sound like a compliment,” I say, unlocking my car. “And if you’ll excuse us, we’ve got to get going.”
“Yeah, you jackass,” says Dre.
“I don’t even remember you,” Nick says.
“And I don’t even care,” Dre retorts as we get in the car. “What an ass,” she says. “You OK?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
In my rearview mirror, I see Nick go up to Seth and they do that guy fist-bump thing, and Nick points at my car and laughs, and I can only imagine what he’s saying, and I expect Seth to – I don’t know – walk away at least, but instead he laughs too.
I hope Dre didn’t see.
CHAPTER 37
The next day, Zach Garcia asks Dre to homecoming by surprising her at soccer practice with the school marching band playing “I Wanna Dance with Somebody” by Whitney Houston and a huge poster asking her to go with him. So far it tops the way anyone has been asked to the dance this year. And it doesn’t even mean that Zach is into Dre or anything. He just wanted to ask his date in the best way because he’s competitive like that.
Because at my school, it isn’t enough for someone just to ask someone to homecoming or prom. Oh no, it has to be done in a special way. It gets increasingly creative every year. Nobody wants to do something that has already been done. And if you don’t ask someone in a clever way, it looks like you haven’t made an effort. How you’re asked can be just as big of a deal as who you’re going with or what you’re wearing. People go out of their way to do over-the-top dance “proposals”, even if they aren’t in a relationship. It is just a thing people do at our school.
Seth hasn’t asked me yet. And the dance is in just two weeks. Of course we’re going together, but I wish he’d hurry up and ask me.
In a way that is even better than using a marching band.
Although, ever since I saw Nick Forrester − former quarterback star and homecoming king − trying to hang onto his high-school glory days, part of me doesn’t care about any of this. I don’t want being on homecoming court, or even being queen, to be my crowning life achievement.
But I still want it. Even though I know it is stupid. But I don’t just want it for me. I want it for my mom.
I want it for Mika.
It’s the week before homecoming and Seth still hasn’t asked me. And then they announce who is on homecoming court. Two of the court will be chosen as the king and queen. I’m on it. So is Libby. Dre’s not. She shrugs, like she doesn’t care, but I know she’s stung.
And Seth’s on it.
I don’t believe it. For one horrible, nasty moment, I wonder if it is a joke.
What does that say about me? That I think my boyfriend getting voted popular is a joke.
Here’s a secret:
I didn’t vote for him.
I didn’t want him to make court.
I’m scared that he’s becoming someone else, someone I don’t know, someone I don’t like.
Someone who’s not mine.
Finally, I ask Seth to the dance myself.
“So, we’re going to homecoming together, right?”
We’re in my car on our way to get ice cream. It’s the first time we’ve hung out just the two of us in weeks.
“Of course we are,” he says without looking at me.
“When were you going to ask me?” I ask, trying to keep my voice casual.
“Ask you? I didn’t think I had to.”
“But … people always ask. Even if they’re boyfriend and girlfriend.”
“And we’re definitely boyfriend and girlfriend?” he says, eyes sliding sideways at me.
My stomach does a somersault. “What? Of course we are!”
He shrugs. “Cool. I guess I never really know with you.”
“What is that supposed to mean, Seth?”
“You know what it means, Reiko.” I don’t like how he says my name these days. “I guess I should be surprised you didn’t hook up with Nick Forrester when he was in town, since you seem to have a thing for older guys these days.”
I’m shocked. “Seth, that isn’t fair!”
“Might not be fair, but it’s true.”
“Why are you being like this? We never hang out anymore, we barely talk, it’s like we aren’t even in a relationship.”
“You just said we were.” He lights a cigarette.
“Don’t smoke in my car,” I say.
“I think you can find it in your heart to forgive me just this once,” he says, blowing a smoke ring.
CHAPTER 38
It’s Friday and the night of the homecoming game. My mom does my make-up and lets me wear one of her shimmering gold designer gowns from her days as a model. Tonight is when they crown the king and queen and I need something glamorous. Something fit for a queen.
When I’m dressed, my mom tells me how beautiful I am, and I know we’re both thinking about Mika.
I have to be crowned queen tonight. It’s like Mika said, it’s not just for me, it’s for Mom, and for her too.
I spend the first half of the homecoming game with the rest of the girls on the court waiting for half-time, when we’ll all be presented and the king and queen will be crowned. We all smile and compliment each other, but there’s a tension between us, especially between me and Libby.
Libby and I have always been competitive in a way that Dre and I haven’t. It used to be fun, like a way to push ourselves. Recently, it’s had more of an edge to it, and I can’t help remembering the dodgy stuff Libby’s done over the years. Not just hooking up with Dre’s date at the dance, but also copying homework and just being kind of bitchy. Fleetingly, I wonder why I hang out with her. But I remind myself she’s Libby Carter and I’m Reiko Smith-Mori and, together with Andrea and Zach and everyone else, we make up the crew, and of course we hang out together.
The wind blows, ruffling my curls and sending goosebumps dancing down my shoulders. I shudder in my gold dress. The stadium lights are so bright, and harsh. I hear the buzzer go off, signifying the end of the quarter, and I know it is almost tim
e for the presentations.
We’re playing a football team from some high school in the Central Valley, and their side of the stadium is almost empty. No one wants to go to a rival team’s homecoming game. But our side, the home side, is spilling over with people. Everyone is wearing the school colors of blue and gold, and cheering.
Koji is somewhere out there with my mom. My dad is already waiting on the field with the other parents of the court, getting ready to escort us down the red carpet during the half-time show.
Before I left the house, Mika kissed me on the cheek and told me I looked beautiful. “You’ll win,” she said, eyes wide. “You have to. You are too beautiful not to. How could anybody beat you?”
I don’t feel beautiful right now. I feel cold and alone. I wish Mika were here.
Then someone calls my name and it’s time to get in the cars. There are five of them: vintage convertibles which will drive slowly around the football field, so that everyone in the stadium can see the court. We go in pairs with the boys in the front, and the girls on top of the trunk of the car, skirts spread wide, smiling and waving, like real princesses.
Seth and I are in the same car. “So adorable!” the other girls squealed when we saw the running order. And at first I thought so too. I thought it would make me relax. But…
He barely glances at me, even when one of the girls says, “Doesn’t she look beautiful?” He just nods like a wooden soldier as he slides into the front seat.
I wonder if being beautiful is enough.
I wonder if I’m enough.
The car rumbles to life and we start to make our way slowly around the stadium. I wave and put on my brightest smile.
Seth stares stonily ahead until we are in front of our friends. Then he does smile and wave. But he looks awkward. I can tell he’s nervous. And I want to comfort him, so I lean forward and put my hand on his shoulder, trying to reassure him.
He shrugs me off, still waving, still smiling awkwardly, and I jerk back up like I’ve been burned.
I turn my smile up even brighter. So bright that every single person in the stadium can see it. So bright that I’m surprised they aren’t shielding their eyes. Seth’s not going to ruin this for me. This moment is bigger than him.
I will shine.
As we slow to a crawl, I hear Maria Chavez introducing court. We’re the fourth car in the five-car procession, so our white convertible idles as she introduces Megan and Peter, Zach and Libby, Kelly and Tony − the people in the first three cars. And then it is our turn.
The cheering rings in my ears. We pull in slowly, in front of the red carpet leading to the stage. The carpet is lined with cheerleaders, football players, and all the kids on student council, who have planned everything.
My dad steps forward, beaming, and holds his hand out to help me off the back of the car. Seth has already gotten out of the front seat and is standing next to his mom, waiting to walk down the red carpet with her. I stand next to them as everyone else goes down the red carpet with their parents. Zach is with both of his moms, and the crowd roars their approval.
I keep my eyes on Seth. I wonder if anyone else can see the twitch in his jaw, and I realize he’s nervous because of how much he wants this. And that surprises me. When did Seth start caring about homecoming? Maybe it’s more than my luck that he wants to rub off on him. Maybe it’s my life. The thought scares me.
Then it’s our turn and my dad takes my arm, and we walk together, in perfect time. We wave like real royalty. He’s grinning from ear to ear, his smile even brighter than mine.
“This is so exciting,” Dad murmurs in my ear. “I’m so proud of you.”
For what? For being beautiful? For being popular? For being alive? For being me? I hate that I have these thoughts going through my head right now. I hate that I’m getting anxious when I should be celebrating. But Seth’s behavior has thrown me.
“And this year’s homecoming king and queen are…” Maria Chavez shouts, “ZACH GARCIA AND REIKO SMITH-MORI!”
A confetti cannon goes off, showering us all in hundreds of tiny, brightly colored stars.
I smile, but I’m more relieved than happy.
I had to win this.
I had to prove that I’m the best.
That I’m the Reiko everyone expects me to be.
The Reiko I need to be.
As everyone starts clapping and shouting and whistling, Zach and I step forward. He’s still in his football uniform, still sweaty from the game. He takes my hand, and I can feel Seth’s eyes on me, and I’m surprised his stare doesn’t go all the way through me.
Libby and Kelly and Megan are there too, all clapping and smiling, but their eyes are sharp as well. I’m surprised by just how sharp Libby’s eyes are.
Zach leans down, and kisses my cheek. “Too bad we aren’t going to the dance together tomorrow night, huh?” he whispers in my ear and I smile back at him.
Then we raise our conjoined hands up high before taking a bow, like we’ve done something worth bowing for. Then we walk back down the red carpet, and it feels like the ceremony has lasted for ever, but it must have been less than ten minutes since I got out of the little white convertible.
And I keep smiling.
CHAPTER 39
Dre is jumping around, squealing. She’s so happy for me, happier for me than I am. The only person happier than her is my mom. Because my mom was homecoming queen at this same high school twenty-two years ago. She runs toward me and holds me so close that I can feel her heart beating like a tiny bird in her chest.
“My beautiful girl,” she says into my hair and then my dad is hugging me again and Koji is giving me high fives.
“Congratulations,” Koji says, winking at me, and I wonder if he knows how silly I think this all is, but also how much I wanted it.
Sometimes I feel fractured, like I’m two Reikos. And I suppose I am in some ways, because I have to make up for being one when there should have been two.
Winning homecoming queen is just one small thing − one star in a universe of darkness − but I’ll keep going, doing whatever it takes, till I light up the night the way that Mika would have.
Seth hasn’t said congratulations yet. He’s standing with Megan and Libby and he’s laughing, and I remember Libby making fun of his laugh − how he opens his whole mouth really wide and kind of barks while he rocks back and forth − but she’s laughing with him now, and leaning against him and it makes me go hot and cold inside.
“Babe.” Dre is nudging me. “You all right?”
“I’m fine,” I say, keeping my eyes on Seth, Megan, and Libby. “I’m great.” I drag my eyes away and turn toward Dre.
She glances quickly over my shoulder at the trio and then she hugs me tight, a Dre hug, the kind that simultaneously makes me feel invincible and like crying in her arms.
“You’re OK,” she whispers in my ear like an incantation. “You’re OK.”
And because Dre says I am, I am.
Seth’s probably embarrassed that he lost. That’s why he hasn’t come up to me. It’s fine. I understand.
This is what I tell myself as I make my way through the crowd toward where he and Megan and Libby are standing. Seriously. What is Libby’s deal?
She’s being nice to your boyfriend, a small voice chirps in the back of my mind. She’s being a good friend. Stop being so paranoid and weird.
You aren’t being paranoid, says another voice. A snarkier one. Libby is the one who tried to hook up with Ryan Morris when you guys were still together, before he moved to New York. Libby is the one who Seth smiles at – the way he used to smile at you.
I shake my head, silencing both voices. I’m being silly.
I go up to them, smiling, smiling like I couldn’t stop if I wanted to.
“Hey!” I say.
“Oh look the queen is gracing us with her presence,” Libby drawls and I bite back a bitchy reply.
“We need a picture!” I say instead, pulling the girls toward
me, away from Seth.
He’s watching me warily, like I’m a coyote he’s stumbled across out in the desert.
I thrust my phone at him. “Here! You can take it,” I say, making sure our fingers brush.
“Kissy faces!”
“Smiles!”
“Hugs!”
We take turns shouting out commands for our photos and then break away.
“I knew you were going to win,” says Megan, but she’s smiling. Genuinely smiling. Like she’s happy for me. But not as happy as Dre is for me. And not as happy as if she had won.
“Of course you won. You win everything.” Libby isn’t smiling. “You must be proud of your girlfriend,” she says to Seth, bumping his hip with her own.
He grins back at her. It is the grin I think of as his Reiko Grin and here he is giving it to Libby. He used to always tell me how dumb he thought she was. How promiscuous. I was always defending her. And here he is, smiling at her like she is special. Like she is his person.
I step forward and grab Seth’s hand. It’s sweaty. He looks up at me and the smile slips off his face, replaced by the look I’ve started to dread.
“You’re right,” he says, nodding toward Libby. “Reiko does win everything.”
“I don’t,” I blurt, but Dre is here now and she’s laughing, and I wish I could wear her laugh like perfume, because it is making me feel so much better.
“Oh, Rei, we all knew you were going to win!” she says, and the warmth in her words wraps around me like one of my mom’s fur coats.
“It’s stupid,” I say, not making eye contact with any of them.
Seth raises his eyebrows. “I don’t think you think it’s stupid,” he says. Then, louder: “But I think it’s stupid.”
Libby and Megan laugh. And it makes me want to take my crown off and stamp on it.
* * *
Our team wins the game. Everything is exactly how it should be: I won, Zach won, our team won, but something still feels off. Nobody is partying tonight. The dance is tomorrow and nobody wants puffy eyes or dark circles. But even if we aren’t partying, we still need to celebrate. “In-N-Out Burger!” someone cries out and everyone agrees, because it’ll be fun and festive and all-American and isn’t that what homecoming is all about?
Only Love Can Break Your Heart Page 15
