by Mercy Amare
“It sucks.”
“What if they never find the stalker? What if I have to spend the rest of my life in this house?” I am joking — sort of.
Toby groans. “Don’t even joke about it. I don’t think I can even last until Friday.”
I laugh, but I’m thinking me neither.
But I am not going to do anything reckless… At least not again. I’m going to follow direction and stay in this freaking house — no matter how much it completely sucks.
6pm
Love and loss.
Olivia catches me up on all the school drama.
News of Ariana has spread. Now everybody knows that she’s moving, and people are sad. She’s one of the nicest girls in the school, and she will definitely be missed by all who knew her. Nobody blames her for moving, but we are only a month away from graduating. The ceremony won’t be the same without her.
Cops are still keeping watch at the school. Everybody must go through a metal detector before entering the building, which is new to them. The private school is so small and exclusive, it’s never been a problem before. A few parents have even pulled their children out of the school. I can’t blame them.
Gabriel is also at the top of everybody’s conversations. People are saying that he’s the one who murdered Jacqueline and Kasbian, but I’m not so sure personally. I know he knows who did it, but I just can’t make myself believe it was him. Maybe it’s because I don’t want him to be a killer.
Ty still hasn’t been questioned, but nobody seems to suspect that he’s up to anything suspicious. Still, I just wish he would submit to questioning. He’s eighteen, and his dad can’t stop him from doing it. I don’t understand why he’s not… Unless he is guilty.
Maybe he is.
Maybe Ty is who Gabe wants to protect. I can’t think of anybody else Gabe would protect… Himself… Obviously he would protect himself.
But would he really protect Ty in this situation? If Olivia went crazy and started killing people, I would definitely turn her into the police. There is nobody I would protect if they were psycho enough to kill.
So maybe it really is Gabe.
My head hurts just thinking about it. Will there ever be an answer? It doesn’t seem that way.
“Of course, you are still the most talked about person at Bayside Academy,” Olivia says. “Everybody is really worried about you. Especially me.”
“You don’t need to worry about me.”
“I check my phone every five minutes. I keep waiting for a phone call. I’m scared that you won’t survive this. I just don’t know what I would do if anything happened to you.”
“I’ll be fine,” I reassure her, even though I don’t know if it’s the truth. I hate not knowing.
“You don’t know that,” Olivia says. “You can’t even look me in the eye when you say it.”
I force myself to look her in the eyes. “You’re my best friend, and I don’t want you to worry about me. You’ve already been through so much in your life, and you’ve suffered through so much loss. I don’t know if I will be alive this time next year, or even tomorrow. I wouldn’t know that even if I didn’t have a stalker. And I know this is scary, but if something happens to me, I need you to be okay. I want you to be strong and be able to move forward. I don’t want you to lose your spark.”
Her eyes fill with tears as she replies. “I’ve lost two people because of your stalker. I’ve lost Lily, and I’ve lost Keith… But you’re like family to me. I don’t know how Brian could go on without you.”
“Brian would be fine. So would you,” I say. “Life goes on. I didn’t think I’d be able to go on without my mom. Somedays, I still think it’s impossible, but time is healing me. I still miss her like crazy, but I know that she would want me to live my life and be happy. I don’t plan on dying, but right now I don’t know what will happen. What I do know is that if I die, I would want Brian to move on. And I would want you to move on. You both deserve happiness.”
“So do you. You’ve been through so much, Kihanna. It’s not fair. You have to live.”
“I will fight until my last breath,” I promise her. “I will do everything I can to survive.”
“Good,” she says.
It’s crazy to think that I might not survive this… Of course, I didn’t think I would live until my eighteenth birthday and here I am. I do have hope that I will make it through this and I will be stronger because of it… But I also have to prepare for the other option, and that scares the crap out of me.
Wednesday, April 18
3pm
Completely bored.
As soon as I am finished my school work for the day, I get a text.
Olivia: Oh my God, Kihanna. Turn on the news.
I pull up a local news channel on my laptop and click on the live stream. On the screen is my dad, and he’s talking about Ty Newman and Senator Mike.
“If Ty Newman is innocent, then I don’t understand why Senator Mike Newman won’t let the police question him. He is best friends with a person of interest, and it makes Ty look extremely guilty not to talk,” my dad tells the reporter.
“Do you think that this will hurt Senator Newman in the upcoming election?” the reporter asks.
“I do not care about the election. What I care about is justice being served. I’m not saying that Ty Newman is guilty, and I’m not saying he even has any information. I just think it’s wrong to keep him from giving a statement just because Senator Mike doesn’t want to look bad. There are four deaths in question, and all we want are answers. Ty possibly has some. I will do whatever it takes to make sure that my family, and all the other kids at Bayside Academy are safe.”
“With this information out there, I’m sure the Senator won’t be able to keep his son from testifying much longer,” the reporter says.
“I sure hope not. I’d like to put an end to all of this.”
Me: Wow.
Olivia: Your dad is seriously awesome! Using social media to call out Senator Newman was a genius idea. There is no way he can back down from this now.
Me: My dad must really love me.
Olivia: He does :) Btw, I can’t come over tonight. :( Sorry. I have to babysit for Brandon and Miranda.
Me: :( It’s okay… I’ll just… umm… be really bored. Story of my life lately.
Olivia: Bored = alive.
Me: True. I like being alive.
I wait for a reply, but don’t get one. I guess she’s busy.
I check my Staying Connected. I have a lot of posts on my wall, mostly people encouraging me and telling me to hang in there. I reply to the comments and am quickly out of things to do.
One thing is for sure — staying home is getting old really fast.
Friday, April 20
1pm
Little sister.
Today, I am having my eighteenth birthday party. Dad still isn’t sure that it’s a good idea to invite people over to our house right now, but Toby and I talked him into it. I’m glad we did. We haven’t left the house all week, and we are both bored out of our minds.
Everyday has been the same for me — school work, trying to entertain myself, and then hanging out with Brian at night. Obviously Brian is the best part of my day, but between work and school, I only get to see him a few hours each night. I’m glad that the weekend is coming up. At least he won’t have school.
Toby and I finished our school work early today, and now we are watching the crew decorate.
Yeah, my dad hired a party planner for my party, and there are currently are ten people decorating the back patio and pool area of the house. It’s really starting to look awesome. I can’t wait to see the finished product.
“You think there is enough purple?” Toby asks.
Okay, maybe I went a little overboard on the whole “purple” thing, but it is my favorite color.
“I’ll only turn eighteen once.” I grab a piece of my hair in the front. “How do you think I would look with a strip of purple in my
hair?”
Toby shakes his head. “I couldn’t see it.”
“Me either,” I say. “But I so wish I was brave enough to do it.”
“I could see Olivia doing it.”
“Me too. She would totally do something like that.”
“You two are so completely opposite,” he says. “Sometimes I wonder how the two of you ever became friends.”
“Obviously we started talking because I started dating her brother, but it’s so much more than that now,” I tell him. “Have you ever met somebody that you just click with, and you don’t really understand why?”
“You,” he says. “You and I clicked like that.”
“We did. And it’s similar with Olivia. She’s so open with her opinions and views, and I love that. Sometimes I wish I could be more like her. But when I’m with her, I have so much fun. We are so alike, and yet so opposite at the same time. She’s great.”
“I think you’re outspoken. More so since you and Gabe broke up,” he says. “And I like Olivia. I think she’s a good friend for you. Especially right now.”
My chest tightens at the mention of Gabe’s name. “I didn’t realize it when I was dating Gabe, but he really held me back so much. I tried to live up to this perfect image that I thought he wanted, and I wasn’t being true to myself. I really thought that he was perfect. How wrong I was…”
Toby shakes his head. “I really wish you would’ve known Gabe sophomore year… Or even him before you showed up… If he would have truly been himself with you, you would never have looked in his direction. He’s so far from perfect.”
“I wish you would have told me back then.” Though I don’t know if I would have believed him then.
“It wouldn’t have mattered. You were head over heels for Gabe. And besides that, he is a great actor. He completely had me fooled. I didn’t tell you, because I didn’t think it mattered. I knew Gabe would tell you about his past in his own time, but during that time I truly thought he had changed… I thought he had changed because of what happened with Lily. I was obviously completely wrong. For all I know, the accident with Lily really wasn’t an accident.”
“Did you know that she was pregnant when she died?” I ask him. “And I guess she wasn’t sure if it was Ty’s baby or Gabe’s baby. Gabe wanted her to get an abortion, but she didn’t want to.”
His mouth falls open and he doesn’t say anything for quite a few seconds. “Wow.”
“I know. Ty told me it was his baby, but Olivia says she wasn’t sure because she was sleeping with both of them.” I shake my head. “I just can’t believe I didn’t see before. How did I not see through the manipulation? At least Ty was upfront and honest with me. I know he cheated on me, but he never lied to me. That’s all Gabriel ever did was lie. He said he loved me. Lie. He said he loved Lily. And then he said he didn’t. Then he did. Then he didn’t. He lied about everything when it came to her, and I still don’t know the real truth. More than anything, I wish she were alive. I wish I could sit down with her and learn her whole story… I wish I had her journal back.”
“Lily… wasn’t much better than Ty and Gabe,” Toby tells me. “I know that Gabe painted this wonderful portrait of her, but she was a horrible person. She was so mean to everybody at school, and I honestly don’t know how Olivia was ever friends with her. I think Lily was pretty good at masking her true self when she wanted, but I could see right through her.”
“Really?”
“This is the truth,” he says, looking me in the eyes. I can tell that he truly believes what he’s saying. “Ty and Gabe aren’t the only guys that Lily was sleeping with.”
“Who else?” I ask.
“Well, before she started dating Ty and Gabe, she slept with me at a party.” Toby looks away for a second. “I actually gave her my virginity.”
“No way!”
“And then later that night, I walked in on her and Jason Bridges,” he says. “No telling who she was sleeping with at the time.”
“Wow.” It’s the only word I can think of to say in this situation. The more that I figure out, the less I actually know.
“Lily and I had been talking for a while before I ever slept with her,” he explains. “I thought she wanted to be my girlfriend. I guess you could say that she broke my heart.”
“And Olivia never saw this side of her?” I ask.
“I think Olivia knew that Lily was a slut, but she never knew just how nasty she was. Lily was cruel, and she loved hurting people. I am just lucky I saw through her early on and didn’t fall for her crap. I’d hate to think it would have been me in a crazy love triangle with her.”
“You know, I don’t think that Ty and Gabe cared that she was horrible.”
“I don’t think so either,” Toby agrees. “And I really think it’s because they are both just like her. The three of them were perfect for each other.”
His words completely shock me.
“And I dated both of them. What does that say about me? That I couldn’t see through their crap…”
“It says that you trust people,” he says. “And that is one of the best things about you. You trust so much, and you put your heart out there. I wish I could be more like you. Besides, I trusted that they had changed… Except maybe Ty. But I called him out on it.”
“Oh right,” I say. “I think it was homecoming… You really made me question my relationship with Ty. If it wasn’t for that, I probably would have slept with him. I appreciate you having my back.”
“I will always have your back, little sis.”
“Oh my God, Toby. We are the same age now. You have to stop calling me little sis.”
He laughs. “No way. You will always be my little sister. I have to protect you. It’s my job.”
“Don’t you think it’s weird that I’m graduating a year ahead of you?”
“I failed a year. It’s not something I’m proud of, but I had a rough year. I wish that I was graduating with you.”
“What happened?” I ask. “I mean, I know your dad died, but I don’t know the whole story.”
“My dad was an abusive alcoholic. My mom left him when I was pretty young, but I remember stuff. I remember my mom getting hit in front of me a lot. She always tried to protect me from seeing too much, and she always tried to play it off, but I knew that something was wrong. I wanted to protect her. One night, when I was seven, my dad has been drinking, and I didn’t want to see her get hit again. I stood up to my dad, and he beat me. I ended up in the hospital that night with a concussion. The social worker basically told my mom that if she went back to my dad she would never see me again. As soon as I was well enough to leave the hospital, we left Arizona.
“The year I turned sixteen, my dad died. He was in a car accident, and he killed a family of four and himself. He had been drinking and he ran a stoplight. I didn’t really know my dad at that point. I hadn’t seen him in nine years… And it hurt worse than I expected. I did a lot of partying that year, and I really drank a lot. One night I was drunk out of my mind, and I drove home. I was in a car accident and I completely totaled my car. Thank God I didn’t hurt anybody or myself. And I realized that I was turning into my dad. It really opened my eyes to who I was becoming. So I stopped partying so hard. I realized that there are consequences to my actions.”
“It’s crazy to think that when I first moved here, I thought you were this huge partier.”
“I still like to party,” Toby says. “I just stop after one drink. Plus, I prefer to remember who I sleep with at parties.”
“I’m sorry for all the bad things you’ve had to go through, but I’m glad you’re the person you are now,” I tell him. “I couldn’t ask for a better brother. I’m sorry that I wasn’t there for you during the rough times, but I want you to know that I’m here for you now. This isn’t just you looking out for me.”
“I know. But right now, you need me. I have a feeling that someday you’ll get to return the favor.”
“Definitel
y,” I say. “The girl you fall in love with is going to be interrogated so hard by me.”
Toby laughs. “Good. And if she’s not Kihanna approved, I will kick her to the curb.”
“You better,” I joke.
I can’t wait to see the girl that Toby brings home. I know that it won’t be for a long time, because he’s the kind of guy who won’t be ready to get married until he’s at least thirty, but I hope that she makes him extremely happy. I want him to be so in love. He deserves to be truly happy.
Toby and I stay outside and joke around for a few more minutes before we head inside to get ready. I have to admit that I can’t see the day getting any better. I have the best stepbrother in the world, and for that I am so grateful.
4pm
Conversation with Veronica.
As I am curling my hair, there is a knock on the door. I am surprised to see Veronica standing on the other side, but then again I’m sort of not surprised.
Veronica hasn’t talked to me much since she moved back into the house. Part of me thinks that maybe she doesn’t want to get too close to me because this isn’t permanent. The other part of me thinks maybe she just doesn’t like me. I haven’t exactly been the best stepdaughter in the world… But this is a party, and Veronica loves parties.
She’s holding a gift bag.
Of course, she had to buy me a dress. This is Veronica we are talking about here.
“I got you something for tonight,” she says, holding it out for me.
I open the door so she can come inside and take the bag from her. I am truly thankful for any time that I get with Veronica. I don’t want our relationship to be so awkward and stand-offish. She could never replace my mom, but I definitely do have room in my heart for her. I have no other mother-figure.
