by Ilana Fox
Amelia laughed. ‘I’m impressed. And what about your plans to actually send one of those articles you’ve been writing to a magazine?’
Jo paused. ‘When I’m at my target weight I’ll do it,’ she said. ‘If a magazine rejects something I’ve written I’ll start comfort-eating again. I just know it. I’ll do it in the autumn.’ Jo sounded so sincere that she almost believed herself, and as she hung up the phone she resolutely refused to acknowledge the fact that for the moment she could only think of William, and not her career.
Jo looked at the small clock she kept by the side of her bed, and was dismayed to see it was three in the morning. For hours she had been desperately trying to get to sleep, but there was a gentle hum of anticipation in her body that she had never experienced before, and the longer Jo stayed awake, the more intense it got. It was almost as though she was hungry, but she had no appetite, only a craving to be close to William. Jo sighed, and just as she started to imagine William leaning over to kiss her, she heard a crash in his bedroom. Without thinking about what she was wearing or caring about her state of semi-arousal, Jo flung open the door to William’s bedroom and stared at the scene with wide eyes.
Although Jo had never been in William’s bedroom before, she’d always assumed it was similar to hers. However, William had chosen to paint his walls a deep midnight blue, and his sheets were a clean, crisp white. The room was lit by a few church candles dotted around, and the flickering candlelight settled on William, who was sitting on the wooden floor with his head in his hands. He was surrounded by screwed-up pieces of paper, and he looked utterly miserable.
‘William … what’s wrong?’ Jo asked softly as she padded over to where William was sitting. He looked up at her, taking in her bare feet, her strong legs and the thin cotton T-shirt that barely hid her shape. He focused on Jo’s nipples before speaking.
‘Writer’s block,’ William growled, and Jo was momentarily taken aback at the frustration in his face. There was something compellingly masculine about the intense frown that he flung at her, and it made her feel even more exposed as she realised that she wasn’t wearing any knickers. William looked up at her again, and Jo quickly knelt down, being careful to make sure that her T-shirt covered her the best it could.
‘I didn’t know you wrote too,’ Jo began softly, and as she spoke she realised that William was wearing nothing but running shorts. His broad chest was tanned, and every muscle in his torso was defined. His arms were strong and muscular, and for a moment Jo longed to touch him. Instead, she continued to gaze luxuriously at his body, but when William caught her staring she lowered her eyes to the floor and blushed faintly.
‘I don’t like people knowing about my novel,’ William said quietly.
Jo took a deep breath and put one of her hands on William’s arms. In comparison to his forearm, Jo’s hand looked tiny, and she marvelled at just how large William was compared to her.
‘If I had a career like that I’d be so proud I wouldn’t keep it a secret,’ she said, and William let out a little laugh.
‘It’s not a career yet,’ he said, and he caught Jo’s eye, refusing to let her look away. He gazed at her so intensely that Jo felt as though he had power over her, and she shifted on the floor. ‘It’s very much like you writing in those notebooks every evening … and not telling a soul what you’re up to.’
Jo sighed, stood up and sat on the bed, but as she got comfortable her T-shirt rose higher, so that William could see a tantalising amount of flesh. Jo blushed, pulled her T-shirt down even further, and wondered if she had the guts to climb into William’s bed so that she could cover up her modesty. She decided not to risk it, and took a deep breath.
‘I want to run the best glossy women’s magazine in the country. I want to be thin, and …’ Jo peeked at William and dared herself to say what she was thinking, despite the sexual tension between them. ‘And I want to fall in love with someone who loves me.’
William gave her a crooked smile, and immediately Jo was pleased that she had finally confided in him after all the months of mainly only talking about calories and muscle mass.
‘So why are you working here and not on some brilliant magazine? You don’t seem like the type to give up on something you want.’
Jo shrugged and explained how she’d not got the grades she’d needed in her A-levels.
‘But I’m never giving up, you know,’ she said. ‘Never. I’ll find a way to do this, but it has to be the right time. And maybe now – maybe even tonight – isn’t the right time for you to write. But when it is right you’ll know it, and I think you’ll do it well.’
William got up from the floor and joined Jo on the bed. He lay back and gestured to Jo to do the same. She did so uncomfortably but realised that because they had connected over their love of writing, because of the flickering candles, and their closeness on the bed, that this was the most romantic moment of her life.
‘You’re right, you know. How did you get to be so wise so young?’ William said softly, as he shifted from his back on to his side so he could look at Jo closely. Jo held her breath. The heat from his body made her even hotter, and she was sure that William could see the distinct outline of her nipples through her T-shirt.
‘When you look like this you have to be smart,’ Jo said, trying not to look at William. She focused on the wall behind him, but then, when he didn’t speak, she shifted her gaze to his face. Instantly she caught his eye, and she felt her body catch on fire with lust.
William brushed his thumb against Jo’s cheek, and she blushed scarlet. ‘You mean when you look pretty?’ he asked her tenderly, and he gently moved his hand across her face.
‘Don’t,’ Jo said, desperate not to fall apart at the first sign of affection a man had ever shown her. ‘Please don’t.’
William ignored her and moved his thumb down to her lips.
‘Such gorgeous lips,’ he said softly, looking into her eyes.
Jo could feel herself melting as he held her gaze, and she couldn’t speak, couldn’t breathe.
‘And such a lovely neck,’ he whispered. ‘When you wear your hair up I gaze at the curve of your neck all the time. It’s extremely sensual, and it distracts me something rotten when I’m supposed to be working.’
Jo stared at William incredulously until she didn’t think she could bear it – she thought she was going to explode. Jo looked again at his bare chest and stomach, and she could feel her insides fizzing. Her eyes caught the trail of hair going downwards from his stomach to his shorts, and when she focused on his shorts she could see his rock-hard erection through the thin cotton. She panicked and sat bolt upright.
‘I said, don’t,’ Jo said loudly and the mood was instantly broken. William sat up too, and he looked at Jo in confusion.
‘Don’t you want this?’ he quietly asked her, and he reached out to touch Jo on the back. Jo crossed her arms and felt fear run through her body. What if she tried to kiss him and William was repulsed because she didn’t know how to do it? Or what if – worse – he expected sex? The thought of William touching her rolls of fat, even though they were so much smaller, made Jo feel physically ill. As much as she lusted after him she wasn’t ready.
‘No, I don’t. And get your hand off me.’ Jo stood up, and even though she was wobbly on her feet she kept her voice as steady as she could. ‘I’m going to forget all about tonight, and I hope you do too,’ she choked, and she spun on her heel and flung herself into her bedroom.
‘Hang on, let me get this straight,’ Amelia said, while she tried to keep up with Jo as they walked around Winchester city centre. ‘He came on to you in a really nice way and not a seedy way and you said no?’
Jo nodded and walked faster, desperate to get to the next shop. She’d never been able to fit into any of the clothes in normal shops before, and it gave her a thrill to fit into a size sixteen. ‘Do we have to talk about it?’ Jo said quietly, as she gazed at some shoes in a shop window. ‘I mean, you’ve only just come b
ack for the summer holidays, don’t you want to tell me what you got up to in the last few weeks?’
Amelia shook her head. ‘Not much to tell, really. If I’d been single I’m sure I’d have pulled a couple of times, but my heart belongs to Charlie.’ She gave Jo a sidelong glance. ‘You know how it is.’
Jo refused to catch Amelia’s eye and they walked into a boutique. Jo was like a child in a sweetshop and gathered up as many clothes as she could carry.
‘What about this?’ she asked Amelia, when they were in the fitting-rooms. Jo was in some Juicy Couture tracksuit bottoms and a vest top. ‘Do I look like I could be a footballer’s wife?’
Amelia smiled. She was over the moon that Jo could finally dress like the girl she wanted to be. ‘You look great,’ she said. ‘Really good. Honestly, I nearly didn’t recognise you when I first saw you.’
Jo looked at herself in the mirror and grinned. She knew she still looked massive compared to her friend, but she was half the girl she used to be. It was a definite improvement.
‘You know …’ Amelia began, tentatively, ‘maybe now’s a good time to start thinking about getting a proper job …’ She paused for a moment, and when Jo didn’t react, she continued. ‘Did you ever send that piece about courtly love to Cosmo like you said you were going to?’
Jo sighed and sat down on the floor amongst the hangers.
‘No. And I’m not going to, either. They won’t take me on because I have no experience, and they’ll probably just nick the feature idea and rewrite it. What’s the point?’
Amelia pulled a short dress over her head and sat down on the floor next to Jo. She was just in her underwear and Jo quickly looked at her friend’s body – Amelia was tiny compared to her. ‘So you’re giving up?’ Amelia asked gently.
Jo shook her head vehemently and felt determination rush through her. One day she’d have a figure to rival Amelia’s – and a career to match. ‘No, I’m not giving up. I’m just going to get a magazine job another way.’
Jo was sitting at a table in The Royal Oak, sipping an orange juice. The bar had just shut for the night, and only a few of the staff remained, hurrying about collecting glasses so they could go home. William was behind the bar overseeing everyone, and Jo was aware that he was shooting her confused glances. They’d not spoken for days, and Jo wasn’t sure she could bear it for much longer.
She looked down at her notebook and reread the article she’d written a month ago titled ‘Courtly Love for the Modern Age’. Jo knew it was a crap title, but the article was word perfect – and it explained what to do if an unrequited love was never returned. Jo drew upon all her courage. She was going to act on her own advice and see where it took her.
As the last of the bar staff left the pub, Jo turned to William. ‘Can we have a chat?’ she asked him nervously. William nodded, and after grabbing a bottle of beer he joined her at the table.
‘What are you reading?’ he asked her, and Jo explained the basic premise of the article. When she’d finished talking William gave her a sad smile.
‘Ironic,’ he commented, ‘that it’s about people having secret feelings for others, because that’s how I’ve felt about you since last winter.’
Jo felt her face turn red and she put her hands to her mouth. ‘I had no idea,’ she whispered. ‘Not until the other night …’
William rested his head on his hands and assessed her with his icy-blue eyes. Even when he looked miserable, Jo thought, he was still stunning.
‘I apologise for that. I misread the signals – I thought you liked me back. Or I hoped you did.’ William looked so sad that Jo wanted to wrap her arms around him and comfort him.
‘But I do like you!’ she exclaimed. ‘I’m mad about you!’
William locked Jo’s eyes with his. ‘So why didn’t you want to be with me?’ he asked neutrally, and Jo felt her face flush. She looked at her notebook and decided to be honest. She wasn’t going to be scared by anything or anyone any more. ‘I’m a virgin,’ she said quietly. ‘And I didn’t think you’d like me once I took my clothes off.’
William let out a little laugh. ‘Jo,’ he said kindly, ‘I think I’d like you with your clothes off most of all.’ He reached over to her and held her hands in his. ‘I’m crazy about you,’ he said, and before Jo knew what was happening he leant over and kissed her.
As William’s lips touched hers, Jo’s brain raced as she tried to remember the techniques she had read about in magazines. But just as she began to feel nervous William gently opened her mouth with his tongue, and she gave in to the sensation of having him so intimately close to her. Her whole body became hot with desire, and although the kiss was over as quickly as it began, Jo was breathless. It was perfect.
‘I promise that we’ll take this really slowly. We’ll go at whatever pace you’re comfortable with.’
William looked so keen and so happy that suddenly Jo felt wretched. She wriggled her hands out of his, and was aware that tears were forming in her eyes.
‘Oh, William,’ she said, biting her lip and trying not to look at him in case she changed her mind. ‘I think we should just be friends.’
William looked confused and then hurt. ‘But you said you liked me,’ he said, stung.
Jo nodded. ‘I did. And I do like you a lot, an awful lot, but I don’t think I’m ready to have a relationship.’
William frowned. ‘But this isn’t just any old relationship – this is you and me. What we have is something special. I …’
Jo looked up and straight into William’s eyes. ‘What?’ she said softly, but he didn’t need to finish what he was going to say. Jo knew he loved her.
‘Look, Jo …’ William ran his hands through his blond hair, and Jo gently placed a finger on his lips to stop him from speaking. His eyes were a pool of deep blue, and Jo felt she could lose herself in them for ever, but she had to be sensible. She took a deep breath and steadied herself.
‘I want to be with you – I really do – but until I’m completely happy with myself I don’t think it’s fair for me to get involved with anyone.’
William shook his head. ‘But I’m happy with you,’ he said. ‘And you look so amazing now compared to how you did before—’ he began. Jo interrupted him once again.
‘I may be fitter,’ she said, taking a deep breath, ‘but so far the highlight of my career has been a promotion to barmaid, and I know, deep down, that I’m talented enough to make it on magazines. And now that I’m no longer … you know … large,’ she said, grasping around for any word, ‘I’ve made a decision.’
A tiny crease of anxiety appeared on William’s forehead, but Jo was so concerned about getting the words out right that she didn’t notice.
‘I’m going to move back to London and get a job on a magazine,’ she murmured. ‘I feel it’s my time now. I’ll never forget you, and I hope we can be friends but … if I start a relationship with you I’ll only be distracted. And, William, you distract me so much.’
Jo stood up and with as much strength as she could muster she walked out of the bar, away from William, and started packing for her new life.
Chapter Seven
September 2002
Jo was in the recruitment agency waiting for Felicity, who was running ten minutes late. Despite marvelling that her thighs didn’t spill over the edges of the chair as they’d done two years before, her foot jangled nervously. Jo didn’t normally like confrontation – she was usually too nice and timid to stand up for herself – but today she was fired up. She’d literally just signed the contract on a tiny studio flat near Waterloo, had managed to cart all her stuff from Winchester into it, was dressed more smartly than ever before, and was raring to go. She had a plan, and she was going to get a job on a magazine.
Felicity rushed into the room, and after breathlessly offering her apologies she dug out a PowerPoint presentation and launched into an authoritative, robotic spiel about the recruitment agency, its clients and history. Jo tried to listen attentively,
but as Felicity droned on she found her mind wandering, and without warning an image of William burst into her head. She allowed herself to linger on the memory of him kissing her, and then, knowing she had to play this meeting perfectly, banished him from her mind. He’d have loved her in this outfit, though, Jo thought sadly as she looked down at herself. She was in sexy spike heels, a pencil skirt that hugged her curvy size-sixteen hips, and a flattering fake-cashmere jumper that accentuated her breasts. She glanced up at Felicity, who was rambling on about her client-list, and smiled. She wasn’t surprised that the recruitment consultant didn’t recognise her. When she’d dressed that morning she’d barely recognised herself.
‘You mentioned you have some magazine publishers as clients …’ Jo leant forward and interrupted Felicity’s soliloquy. She was keen to get to the point, and Felicity gave her a cold and impersonal smile. Jo guessed that Felicity was asked this question a lot.
‘Absolutely,’ Felicity replied. ‘Depending on your experience and how long you have been with us, I think I can firmly say that we’d be delighted to send you on assignments like those.’
Jo looked at Felicity in amazement. Was it really that easy for thinner girls? It was time to play her trump card.
‘Well, as I’ve been a secretary for your company for two years, I’d say I’m ready to do one of those assignments now. Wouldn’t you?’ When Felicity didn’t say anything Jo sighed and lowered her voice. ‘Felicity, we’ve met before.’
Felicity let out an embarrassed little laugh. ‘Have we? You should have said! I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name …?’
Jo sat back in her chair and tried not to look smug. ‘I’m Joanne Hill and we met the summer before last …’ When Felicity looked none the wiser, Jo felt slight compassion towards the woman. ‘Why don’t you go and get my file and we can take it from there?’
Minutes later Felicity had returned, smiling uneasily. Jo could tell she was startled.
‘Joanne, I didn’t recognise you, you look incredible!’
