“I guess maybe this is a sign we were meant to meet,” I said, immediately regretting the suggestive comment.
Cedric smiled, his white teeth glistening. “I think so, Allison Ophelia.”
He was so surprisingly easy to talk to and I didn’t want this night to end, but I was apprehensive about asking him to come upstairs.
No, there was no way I could do that.
Cedric turned the interior light on and reached across me to open the glove compartment when I got my closest interaction with his body yet, breathing him in. The heat beneath my ass from the seat was nothing compared to the warmth throughout my body as his hair sat inches from my nose. His arm brushed against me and I fantasized about pulling it towards me, putting his hands on me.
He looked frantically for something, eventually grabbing a pen. I spotted a pack of cigarettes in there as well. Strange…he didn’t seem like a smoker and I didn’t smell it in here.
Mmm…I think the cologne might be Cool Water.
“Aha…here it is,” he said grabbing a pen. “Do you happen to have a piece of paper in your bag?”
“Let me look.” I opened my purse and dug through all of the crap: hairspray, gum, mace, wallet, change…not one darn piece of paper?
“Ok, don’t worry about it. My phone is dead; otherwise I would enter your information that way. Here, give me your hand.”
Cedric reached out his palm and I placed my hand in his. He clicked the pen and began to write his cell phone number and email address carefully on top of my hand, while holding it steady with his. His hand was big, rough and warm. A wave of heat rushed through my body as he breathed out slowly and I felt his hot breath on my hand.
I never wanted him to stop writing, never wanted him to let me go. He did though, but not before squeezing my hand, a silent farewell gesture before he let it loose.
Then he just stared at me for a few seconds with his icy blue eyes and my nipples got hard.
I cleared my throat. “Um…let me give you my information as well,” I said, grabbing his hand (ballsy, yes?) as he handed me the pen. My hand might have trembled a little as I wrote all of my information on his. I could have sworn his thumb brushed across my hand intentionally before I reluctantly pulled away.
Cedric turned the interior light off and we stood in silence for a few more seconds before he spoke. “Well, then…Allison, it was really great talking with you. Again, I am sorry about your having to look for the card and your missing the train…but I can’t say I didn’t enjoy your company on the ride home.”
“Me too…I mean…I enjoyed your company too. You have no idea. And thanks for, you know, looking into that contact at the special needs agency.”
I lingered a bit, hoping Cedric would ask me out. When he just continued to stare at me, I opened the car door, leaving him sitting there.
He flashed his beautiful teeth one last time as I shut the door.
As I walked up the stairs, Cedric started the car. Fiddling with my keys, I looked back, noticing he was still idling waiting for me to safely enter. When I cracked the door open, I turned around and waved and saw him wave back. Then, he took off.
I ran upstairs and when I entered the apartment, I realized Sonia hadn’t come home yet.
I started tearing off my clothes and ran to the bathroom to see what I looked like. Not bad. The mascara was a little runny, but for having worked all day, I guess I looked somewhat presentable.
I turned on the faucet to the bathtub and I pulled off my socks. If I thought he was amazing before, I was speechless now. In that short time, Cedric managed to make me laugh, almost cry and possibly gave me a job lead. Not to mention, my underwear is soaked from just the touch of his hand on mine. The only thing that could have made tonight better, is if he had actually asked me out.
I poured lavender bath salts in the water and waited for it to fill up. As I entered the white ceramic tub, I smelled my hands, which were coated in Cedric’s cologne and made sure not to dip them in the water, so it wouldn’t wash away. I smelled him as I soaked the rest of my body and fantasized, imagining a different ending to our night: one where I had asked him if he wanted to come upstairs. I knew I couldn’t have done that, but I couldn’t help wishing I were that kind of girl. Because if I were, he might be here with me right now and I wouldn’t feel this tremendous loneliness.
I then burst out laughing at the crazy thought of Sonia coming home seeing me mounting Blue Eyes on the couch. I think she is gonna have a heart attack as it is when I tell her about my more platonic ride.
CHAPTER 8
CEDRIC
I pulled into the parking space in back of my brownstone, but couldn’t get out the car. I was paralyzed by thoughts of her, running our entire conversation from the ride over and over in my head. I shut off the car and listened only to the sounds of the city night, shutting my eyes. Church bells in the distance rang to signify the start of a new hour…it was one in the morning
When I opened my eyes, I reached over to pull out the cigarettes from the glove compartment, lit one and took a long drag. I couldn’t give a fuck about the repercussions of smoking right now.
Even though the October weather in Boston was cold, I was sweating from the intense anxiety that had overcome me. I needed that cigarette.
She had no family. She was alone.
Even though she’s a waitress, you’d think she’d come across as unattainable and materialistic, based on her stunning looks. That couldn’t be further from the truth. She’s a person with a passion for helping people and a humble upbringing much like my own. She was so easy to talk to and made my normally frigid soul feel warm inside.
I wanted more.
I don’t even know what that means.
I only know that every emotion I was capable of feeling, belonged to her when I looked into those mammoth eyes. Nothing else mattered in those forty minutes, no one else existed.
No other woman, not even the one I had considered my first love, had ever made me feel like that. It was an instant connection I have never experienced before with anyone at all. But realistically, I knew I couldn’t ever have more with Allison. Because I could never be with someone like her and deceive her. I’ve already deceived her, though, haven’t I, making her believe our meeting in the first place was coincidental?
She had already lost everything. And if she knew the whole story, she wouldn’t want to be with me. But at the same time, I couldn’t just walk away and never see her again. Even if that made the most sense, I felt that it would be physically impossible for me to stay away now that I’ve met her.
I needed more time, even if it meant just being her friend. Friend. There was nothing friendly about the raging hard-on I was trying to fight when I touched her skin.
I wanted her so badly it physically hurt.
I nearly lost it when I could feel her soft breath on my neck as I leaned over her to look for a pen. I wanted to feel her breath all over me.
And that is wrong on so many levels.
I did have a girlfriend after all. Oh, yeah…that minor detail. I remembered that I had lied to Karyn. Karyn didn’t deserve a boyfriend that deceived her either. As superficial as Karyn can be at times, underneath it all she was a decent person who told me she was in love with me even though I never returned the sentiment. I’ve lied to her so many times in the past month since I became obsessed with Allison.
Before this, I had vowed to at least try and be a better person, try to think about settling down, if not for myself, for Mom and Callie. I am thirty-four for fuck’s sake. I had spent most of the past decade drowning my sorrows in the wrong women. It had always been just sex with each and every one of them, many of them just one-night stands, with no emotional connection. I didn’t want anything more than that. I just needed sex to wash away the pain and devastation I had endured so many years ago. Karyn is the first long-term relationship I have had in a very long time, but even with her, the emotional connection just isn’t there.
&n
bsp; I didn’t think I even had the capacity to feel anything for a woman again beyond sexual attraction. But I knew what I felt for Allison in the car tonight was more than just sexual. Even though I have never wanted a woman as much sexually, the emotional connection was even stronger; I can’t even find a word to describe it. It just felt right being with her. I instantly felt like I could trust her and mostly, I never wanted to leave her. I could have stayed there all night asking her question after question. It pained me to have to say goodbye so quickly, only just getting to know her and not knowing how I would manage to get that kind of alone time again.
This I know for sure: I need to see her again and I want to help make her life better, even if mine has gone to shit. I want to make up for my past mistakes. God, this is all too much to handle. My life was so simple before I found Allison: shallow job, shallow girlfriend...shallow life…no risk of getting hurt again whatsoever.
But as of tonight, I have entered into a lose-lose situation that has turned my world upside down.
If I vowed to never contact Allison again, my heart would break. I also know that getting to know her and having to tell her the truth would absolutely shatter it. So, I am inevitably going to get hurt. I vowed I would never let myself hurt again.
Fuck.
I take one last drag of the cigarette before rolling down the window and tossing it out, deciding to get out of the car at last.
Once inside my condo, I collapsed onto the leather couch, holding my head in my hands. I looked at the clock and saw that it was now 1:30 am. Glancing down at the phone number and email written on my hand in beautiful feminine script, I got up immediately to transfer the information into my newly charged phone before it faded away.
I had an intense urge to email her right then and there but decided that would come across as strange. I also have no job information to give her, which is supposed to be the reason for emailing in the first place. Dummy. So, I nixed that idea and instead decided to text Karyn the lie that I received an email about the New York trip being postponed a week, suggesting that we have dinner tomorrow night, since I’ll be in town.
I entered the bedroom, taking off my clothes that now reek of smoke and walked into the master bathroom to turn on the faucet in my large walk-in shower.
I got in and willed the hot water to wash away these feelings of agony.
The one girl you can’t have Cedric, is the only one you want.
Thanks to all the tension built up tonight, though, my thoughts quickly turned impure as I closed my eyes and imagined Allison naked here in front of me, wearing nothing but my handwriting on her breasts.
I grabbed the shampoo and roughly stroked myself to release the tension that has built up all day and conclude that I am screwed.
CHAPTER 9
ALLISON
Do you feel like a new person today, Gemini? Something has grown back, and unless you’re a reptile with a new tail…that probably means that some part of your soul has woken up from a deep sleep.
When the alarm clock sounded at 5-am, I felt like even though I had barely slept, I was more alive than I had been in months.
It took me a while to get to sleep last night because I couldn’t stop smelling my hands and thinking about him. I sniffed them until every last drop of Cedric evaporated.
The sight of the sun rising through my bedroom window was bittersweet.
It’s Tuesday and I have to be at the diner for the breakfast crowd at 6:30. I hurried out of bed, ran to the bathroom to pee and as I sat on the toilet, I looked at the now fading writing on my hand, the only proof left that Cedric wasn’t a dream.
I snuck a peek into Sonia’s bedroom on the way to the kitchen and saw her mop of red curls hanging over her pillow, her shallow breathing evidence that she was sleeping soundly. She must have come in really late, sometime after I fell asleep.
The coffee machine I set to brew last night made its last bubbling sounds, telling me the java was almost ready. I grabbed my favorite mug (It said ‘Dy-no-mite’ and had a picture of J.J. from the show Good Times.), plopped two teaspoons of sugar into it and poured in some cream and coffee. Taking my first sip, I jumped, startled by the sound of footsteps behind me and turned around.
“Oh no ya don’t! You didn’t think you were gonna sneak out of here, without filling me in on last night did ya…you little hussie?” Sonia hoarsely yelled and groggily wiped her eyes, pouring herself a cup of coffee.
“Well, I didn’t want to wake you!” I laughed
“So…what happened with Cedric?” Sonia was chomping at the bit, pulling out a chair to sit, taking a first sip of coffee cringing at how hot it was.
“Ohhhhh….Sonia.” I sighed. I didn’t even know where to begin shaking my head and closing my eyes.
“Oh my God. Shut up! You have that look. I know that look. Did you sleep with him?”
“Sonia!” I shouted. “Of course not!” I suspected my face was beet red.
“Ok. So…what happened?” Sonia laughed, leaning toward me in suspense.
I sat down at the table across from her and relayed the entire story from how he arrived at the diner just in the nick of time to the conversations on the ride home. I was running late, so I had to give her an abbreviated version, without missing any of the important details like the subtle hand squeeze.
Sonia sighed. “I am gob smacked, Al…this guy sounds too good to be true. Did you ask him if he has a girlfriend?”
I shook my head. “No, the conversation never got personal in that way.” Of course, I wanted to know. “He never went there, so I never asked him either.”
I was so curious as to whether he was available. I felt such a connection with him. It was scary how quickly I developed feelings for a total stranger. It was so much more than his perfect looks. It was the look in his eyes when he talked about his sister. It was the way he seemed affected when I told him my mother had died. It was the way he looked at me when he let go of my hand, like he didn’t want to. It was the way he looked at me like he could see through me into my soul. It would break my heart if there were never a chance of experiencing anything more than last night. I didn’t know if I could survive without a taste of him.
“Allison. You have to let him know you’re interested. Guys are stupid sometimes. And a guy who looks like that probably has a million women hitting on him. He’s not going to bother with someone who seems complacent or who plays hard to get. It’s 2013…it’s ok for the woman to make the first move, like I did with Tom.”
“I am sorry, Son…but I am not making the first move here. He said he would email me that contact information. If I email him first, it’s going to seem way too desperate,” I said.
“Well, why don’t you just email him just to thank him for the ride home?” Sonia suggested as she got up and put her coffee in the microwave.
I dumped mine in the sink because I was running late. “Sonia, I’ll catch up with you tonight and we’ll talk more. I’ve got to run, I am going to be late.” I rushed out of the kitchen and threw my uniform on foregoing a shower since I had taken a bath last night.
***
By the time I got to the diner, I realized I was ten minutes late. As I walked in, the breakfast regulars were already there and I was relieved to see that Delores had a good handle on things. She grinned when she saw me and called me over to ask how last night went. Apparently, Sonia had sent her a text that I was alone with Cedric after I called looking for the credit card.
I gave her an even shorter version of the story as she listened to me, her eyes popping out of their sockets with interest, while I filled small containers with sugar packets.
Wedding Bell Blues by the Fifth Dimension was playing on the overhead and I couldn’t help this giddy feeling I was experiencing. I felt alive. I took orders with enthusiasm, chatting up customers more than usual. I was giddy for a man who I wasn’t even sure was single.
I couldn’t shake this amazing feeling that came over me today. I felt that he wanted m
e last night. I could see it in the way his eyes seared into mine.
***
Right around 1:30, I checked my phone and saw that I had three new emails on my Yahoo account. My heart nearly jumped out of my chest when I saw the third one was from Cedric. I clicked on the email and it seemed to take forever to load (of course).
Allison Ophelia,
It was nice getting to talk to you last night. I spoke to my mother this morning and she gave me three contacts you could try at the agency that provides Callie’s services. It’s called Bright Horizons. The main office is ironically based in Malden, where you live, but they provide services to most of the Greater Boston area and nearby suburbs. Here are three names: Beth Stephens (Human Resources) 617-856-9899, Michelle Aguiar (Clinical Supervisor) 617-856-9881 and Shannon Bryant (Social Worker) 617-856-9890.
She said to try them in the order listed above. So, you’ll have to let me know how it goes.
Good luck with everything. Maybe I’ll see you around the diner again.
Best, Cedric
P.S. Sorry you had to work late because of the ass clown who left his credit card ;-)
Allison Ophelia. I laughed out loud at the last line too, covering my mouth in amazement. Wow. He operates fast. I read the email a few more times…okay, maybe ten…and exited out of the screen, putting my phone back in my purse, even giddier than before. Even though I wanted to respond right away, I decided to wait until I got home because I couldn’t stand to type on the touch screen of my iPhone.
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