Jason closed his eyes, and his head dropped back, opening them again to stare at the ceiling. ‘I knew I’d ruined things. I knew it and I was told to do things differently but of course I didn’t listen.’
Her voice dropped to a whisper, and she shook her head sadly. ‘Jason, it would make no difference, would it? We’re going to end up hurt even more if we continue as we are.’
He lowered his gaze and locked eyes with her. ‘I think if I’d have known that making love to you in my old room was the last time, I would’ve held you close for longer.’ With deep sadness in his eyes, he touched her cheek again tenderly. ‘I would’ve made the most of it. To know that I won’t get to do that again…’ His voice was a mere whisper as he spoke. He shook his head and didn’t finish.
A shiver travelled the length of her spine, but she stood to create the distance she desperately needed. ‘It’s not all about sex, Jason. It’s about trust too. And having a relationship based on trust is very important to me.’
He frowned at her words and stood to face her. His eyes darkened, and his expression told her she had angered him with her accusative words. ‘I know it’s not all about sex, Stevie. I happen to love you, and sex is a way of expressing the feelings that I have. I’m…I’m not great with words…but…but I can show you how I feel.’
She shook her head. ‘It’s too late for that. We can’t keep going round in circles like this. I’m dizzy from the ride. It’s time to stop.’ She inhaled deeply as if doing so would give her the courage she needed to leave. ‘I’m going to leave now. We’ll meet for coffee next week if you like.’ She attempted a bright voice. ‘And…please…contact Dillon. He’s been worried sick, and you have a world of pain to help him through from now on.’ She leaned to kiss his cheek and hesitated there longer than she should have, inhaling his scent and committing it to memory. Thankfully, he didn’t move to kiss her lips. If he had, she would’ve given in, and they’d be right back to square one. Instead she left the hotel with a heavy heart, and tears relentlessly streaming down her face.
Chapter Nine
Watching her leave and letting it happen were hard things to endure. He fought with the urge to grab her and throw her on to the bed, to show her how much he loved her and how he regretted his actions. But once again, she had stated her case clearly. What good would it do to try to force the issue?
Picking up his phone, he dialled Dillon’s number. The call was answered after two rings. ‘Jason? Where the hell have you been?’
‘Hi, Dill. I’m…I’m so sorry for disappearing like that. I know I’ve messed up again.’
‘I’m guessing you had good reason. But I want to know what that reason is, Jason. You’ve messed with Stevie’s head again. She’s been in such a state.’
‘I know…I know. She was here at the hotel with me—’
‘Awww shit, Jace, you didn’t?’
‘Not that it’s any of your business, but no. I didn’t fuck her, okay?’
‘Is there any reason to be so blunt and crude about it, mate? She fucking loves you, you idiot.’
‘Yeah? I don’t necessarily agree with you there. Anyway, I didn’t call to talk about her. I called to say I need to see you as soon as possible. I have things to tell you. Difficult things.’
‘Oh fuck. The last time you said that I didn’t like what I heard.’
‘Yeah, I know. And I’m afraid it won’t be much better this time, mate.’
Dillon clutched the letter that had been mentioned in the one addressed to Jason from their mother. They had gone together and collected it from the solicitor. He stared at the floor as silent tears left glistening trails in their wake. Jason sat opposite him in the armchair by the window that looked out over the rooftops of the nearby houses. Dillon’s top floor flat was spacious and very pleasant. It was part of a conversion of a large Victorian town house and he had told Jason how he had been very lucky to buy it when prices were reasonably low for London. He had lived there since starting his training as a Financial Advisor with the well-known and highly respected bank that he still worked for.
Jason’s news had understandably floored Dillon. The letter from his mum had explained and filled in the gaps that Jason couldn’t. But Dillon appeared to be stunned. His pallid features were a blank mask.
After a while, Jason cleared his throat. ‘Are you all right, little bro?’
‘What?’ He wiped his eyes as if realising Jason was there. ‘Oh…sorry…yeah, yeah just…you can’t call me that anymore, can you?’
Jason pulled his brows into a deep frown. ‘Eh? What do you mean?’
Dillon snorted. ‘I’ve been replaced in my position of little bro thanks to…what’s-his-name and the other one. Both younger than you…both now your little bros.’
‘Elliot and Josh? Nah, you’ll always be my little bro. Look mate, you were there first, I grew up with you. It’s—’
‘For a few years, you did. Then you left, and I didn’t see you for ten years. I probably know as much about you as they do. And who the fuck am I anyway? I know as much about me as I do about your new family.’ He laughed without humour.
‘Dillon, nothing has changed. I still consider you as my brother.’
Dillon grunted and curled his lip. ‘That’s big of you. Couldn’t be arsed to set me straight before you went swanning off to meet Daddy though, eh?’
Jason closed his eyes as the words stabbed him. On opening them again, he was greeted by Dillon’s pained expression. ‘I had information overload. I’m truly sorry, but I had absolutely no clue where to even begin on this with you.’
Dillon stood and threw the letter at the floor. His voice came out in a strangled, angry growl. ‘You don’t have to be here now do you? We don’t even share blood, so you can fuck off back to America or…or Scotland, and get on with your new life. At least you’ve got family. At least you know who the fuck you are!’
Jason stood too. ‘I can assure you there is no favouritism here. I want you to meet them. They’re my family, which makes them yours too.’
Dillon shook his head and smiled sadly. ‘No, it doesn’t. It in no way makes them anything to me. Just like I’m nothing to anybody else’
He appeared devastated, and Jason couldn’t blame him. Guilt weighed heavy on his shoulders yet again. It was becoming his mantle, one he very much wished he could shrug off.
‘Like I said, this changes nothing. You and I are brothers. End of.’
Dillon stooped, picked up the bottle from table, and took a long pull of his beer. He walked over to the other window.
Without looking at Jason, he said, ‘It changes everything. You’ve now got a dad who actually cares about you. And he’s still alive. You have brothers that actually look like you and want to get to know you. I don’t fit in anywhere. I’ve literally got no one. I don’t even know who I fucking am, Jason!’ he shouted, turning and slamming his beer bottle down on the table.
Jason rubbed his eyes. ‘I know it’s a hell of a lot to take in, mate, but please don’t be so down about it. We can look into who your parents are…if you want to. I can help you.’
He swung his head up to meet Jason’s eyes. ‘And how do you propose to do that? Are we going to chat about it over the Internet? Will we meet virtually in some fucking chat room?’
Jason walked over to his brother. ‘Hey, we’ll do whatever it takes, Dillon. Whatever. It. Takes.’
Dillon stared into space for a while. ‘I get why you didn’t come to dad’s funeral. I honestly do. He was nothing to you. And he hurt you. But you say you care about me, and I would’ve liked you to have been there…for me.’ He turned, and Jason saw the distinct sign of tears in his eyes. ‘But now I know why you couldn’t even do that. I mean it, Jace. I have no one now. You’ll go back to Scotland and I’ll be here. Mum’s gone thanks to the guilt she felt her whole fucking life, and dad…well, he wasn’t the person I thought he was anyway, and now to find out that I didn’t belong to either of them…’
H
e ran his hands through his short mousy hair. ‘I thought there was some…I don’t know…legislation, or that at least they had a moral obligation or something saying that adoptive parents had to keep their kids informed these days. But instead I’ve lived in the midst of a fucking ginormous lie my whole life. And now that lie has blown up in my face, and the one fucking person I hated through it all…the one person I could blame…he’s got a new life. A new family. And what have I got? Big fat fucking zero.’
His voice cracked with the weight of emotion it expressed. ‘And to make matters so much worse, I want to still hate him, but I don’t…and he doesn’t deserve my hate. He actually deserves happiness and the good things that are happening to him now. And I have to be honest, I’m so fucking jealous right now that I want to jump of a sodding bridge.’ Dillon crumpled to his knees as a sob broke free from the depths of his soul.
Jason moved beside him, cradling him in his arms in a split second, with mixed emotions knotting his insides. Anger, sorrow, regret, and the big one…guilt.
Speaking through his tightened throat, he said, ‘Hey now, Dill, for what it’s worth you’ve still got me…and you’ve got Stevie. I know I live a long way from here, but I’ll see you whenever I can, and we can talk on the phone. Please, come on, I hate to see you like this.’
Dillon sniffed and wiped his eyes. ‘Stevie? Yeah, I fucked that up good and proper.’
Jason pulled away. ‘What do you mean?’
‘Seeing as we’re sharing, I may as well tell you…I kissed her. While you were away. I misread something she said, and I fucking kissed her.’ He covered his face with his hands.
Jason felt winded. He blinked and shook his head to try and dislodge the mental image of his brother and Stevie locked in a passionate embrace. ‘And…and what did she do?’
The distraught younger man shook his head. ‘Don’t worry. She didn’t kiss me back. She said she sees me as a brother or something equally as bad. I’ve had a crush on her for years. The whole time you were missing I tried my best to get her to see me…I mean really see me…to see who I was and why I’d be good for her. I never actually told her how I felt. I hoped things would just happen. I thought with you gone she’d see me differently. And I don’t feel fucking guilty for you. You fucked off twice. But I did come out of it feeling like a prize prick, and I haven’t spoken to her since.’
Jason puffed his cheeks out and ran his hands over his head, unsure how to handle this latest piece of information.
Dillon glanced up. ‘Are you going to punch me? I deserve it, don’t I? I tried to steal your girl. And if she’d have been interested…I’ll be honest…I wouldn’t have hesitated.’
Jason pulled his lips into his mouth and closed his eyes. After a brief pause to gather his wits, he spoke. ‘No, I’m not going to punch you, and she’s not my girl.’ He sat back on his haunches.
‘What are you talking about? Of course, she’s your fucking girl, you moron. She’s never going to belong to anyone else as long as you’re still breathing. I don’t care how many hundred miles there are between you.’ He sat on the floor. ‘Jumping off that bridge is sounding pretty bloody appealing right now.’
Jason snapped. ‘Stop it, okay? So you kissed her. I can’t say I’m happy that you did it. And I can’t say I’m comfortable knowing how you feel about her, but like I said, we’re not a couple. She doesn’t want me, and she’s made that more than clear. So we’re both prize pricks on that score. And no more talk of jumping off bridges, okay?’
‘Argh…ignore me. I’m being stupid. I’ll be fine. I’m sorry. It’s a lot to take in admittedly, but I’ll be okay. I’m sorry for shouting at you, and I’m sorry for kissing Stevie.’
Jason gripped his brother’s face in his hands. ‘Stop. Saying. Sorry. It’s me who’s sorry…for so much. For running…twice. For not telling you everything from the start. I’ve made so many stupid mistakes. I’ve got so much making up to do. And I will…if you’ll let me, little brother.’
He smiled. ‘Oy, I’m not that little anymore.’
Dillon drank a few more beers whilst Jason turned to coffee and regaled his younger brother with the details of the Halford family, their home, and the information about locating birth families for adopted children. Eventually, when Jason realised it was gone midnight and his brother had work the following morning, he called for a cab and bid his brother goodnight.
Chapter Ten
Stevie could hear a phone ringing, but it took a few moments before she realised it wasn’t in her dream. She scrambled to her feet and fumbled for her cell phone. Glancing at the screen, she was surprised at what she saw. Dillon? He hadn’t been in touch since the kiss incident, and she had left him to sort his head out, not wanting to force the issue. But it’s four in the morning. Why is he calling me so early? Fear descended at the automatic assumption that something had happened to Jason.
She pressed to answer the call. ‘Dillon?’
‘Ish me…ish me…Dillon. I’m shorry I kished you, Stevie. I’m such a fucking prick. I ruined it all.’
She sighed. ‘Dillon, are you drunk?’
‘I am…I am a bit drunk. Jason was here…he told me…everything…that I’m not his brother…that I’m nobody.’
She gasped and clutched her chest. ‘What? He said that?’ Anger and bile rose in equal amounts.
‘Not exactly…no…but…it’s all the fucking same.’ His words slurred together.
‘No, Dillon. It’s not like that, sweetie. Please, listen to me. Jason loves you. You’re still his brother.’
A sob came over the airwaves. ‘No…no…you’re wrong. I’m nobody and I have nobody. My whole life has been a…a lie. What’s the point of going on with it all, eh?’ He seemed to be struggling to separate his words out and Stevie was trying to understand hard what he was saying.
Panic washed over her. ‘Now, Dillon, you mustn’t say things like that. Jason loves you. I love you. What happened with you and me was a misunderstanding. It’s forgotten. We’re fine. And Jason loves you to pieces. You must know that.’
He laughed dryly. ‘Yeah? Why did he fuck off and leave me twice? Why did he leave you twice? You’ve got your mum, but I’ve got nobody. I can’t stand it. I’m alone. I hate being so alone.’
‘You are not alone. Listen to me. We will get through this. You will get through this. I’ll help you. I will do whatever it takes, Dillon.’
He sobbed again, and her heart broke for him. ‘I should’ve done something. It’s my fault. I think I knew…I should’ve said something. It’s all my fault Stevie…all mine. He would’ve stayed if it wasn’t for me. I shouldn’t be here anymore.’
Her heart began to race at his anguished words. ‘What are you talking about, Dillon? You’re scaring me.’
‘No…no I won’t say anymore. I’m shorry to scare you…and it’s too late anyway.’
Dread weighed heavy in the pit of her stomach. ‘What do you mean it’s too late, Dillon? Why is it too late?’
Silence.
‘Dillon! Why is it too late?’
She heard a thud. ‘I’m tired...really tired. They’re kicking in now…got to go.’
‘Wait! What are kicking in? Talk to me, Dillon, please!’ She could hear the desperation in her own voice. ‘Dillon!’
He sighed heavily. ‘I took some pills. I need to sleep now.’
‘Oh God! How many pills did you take, Dillon?’ She scrambled for her landline and dialled emergency services.
‘A bottle…a bo…bottle of pillsss…so tired… Don’t want to be alone anymore. Don’t have anyone anymore.’ His words were becoming quieter and more slurred. ‘I can’t be alone…so tired…got no one.’
There was a crash and the call ended.
‘Emergency services, which service do you require?’ A disembodied voice at the other end of the line dragged Stevie’s attention away from her mobile phone.
She snapped back to reality. ‘Oh God…ambulance…ambulance please. My friend…he
’s taken an overdose!’
The emergency services operator suggested that she should go to the house, try to gain access without risking injury, and sit with the casualty, and that the ambulance would be there as soon as possible.
Stevie pulled on her coat over her pyjamas, and even though Dillon lived within walking distance, she grabbed her car keys. Fumbling to get the key in the lock, she managed to start the engine and drive around to Dillon’s home. The outside door was locked. She buzzed one of Dillon’s neighbours who knew her and thankfully let her in. Taking the stairs two at a time, she reached his floor feeling ready to drop.
Trying the handle, she was relieved to find the door wasn’t locked. She burst through, and much to her horror, Dillon was sprawled on the floor by his coffee table. Blood oozing from a cut to his head where he must have caught the table as he collapsed.
A sob escaped her as she went to him and dropped to her knees. ‘Dillon…Dillon can you hear me?’ Not daring to move him, she checked his airway, and seeing that it was clear, she checked him further for signs of life. It was very faint, but he was still breathing and his pulse was weak. ‘Dillon, it’s Stevie. The ambulance is on its way. Please hold on. Don’t you dare leave me…don’t you dare. She stroked his hair and patted his hand, rocking herself back and forth as warm tears trailed down her face.
‘Jason will be so bloody pissed off at you for this stunt. How could you think you were alone? Eh? How could you blame yourself for any of this? None of this is your fault. None of it, Dillon…Dillon, sweetie, it’s me, Stevie. Can you hear me?’
The buzzer sounded alerting her to the arrival of the paramedics. ‘Come on up! Top floor. Please hurry!’ A minute later, she heard the pounding of footsteps, and she pulled the door open to let them in.
Reasons to Stay Page 8
