When I opened my eyes, I found us surrounded by the nature center we used to go to when we were in high school. There’d been so many parties in this park that we knew it like the backs of our hands. It’s also where we went to get away from whatever we didn’t want to be around. When I stepped out of the car, Cain tossed my coat at me. Being December in Michigan with snow on the ground it was going to get chilly. Even if the day had been more mild. As soon as the sun set completely we’d be glad to have the extra layer.
Our shoes crunched through the snow until we got to the shoveled path. Without discussing it, we made our way to the observation deck where we’d sit for hours in the summer. They made me go first, probably because they were worried I’d fall and they’d have to catch me. Once the three of us were up there, it was really only four steps for god’s sake.
Adam handed me a large cup of coffee. As if I wanted to sober up. I took it anyway and crumbled into the corner of the structure. Adam did the same in the corner across from me and Cain dropped in between us.
Out of the corner of my eye I could see the two of them glancing at me then out across the nature preserve. Every few seconds they took a drink of their own coffee because apparently they were waiting for me to be ready or some shit. I didn’t think I’d ever be so why wait?
“Why are we here?” I asked finally, my throat protesting against speaking.
“Thought we should take a beat,” Cain said looking over at me. “Things were getting a bit much back there.”
“That’s not the first time I told Kendra to fuck herself.”
The movement of Cain’s head to glance over at Adam made me look too.
Adam just shrugged. “I’ve told her to fuck herself, too,” he said.
And that’s why we could be friends without any fucking drama. He might love the hell out of Kendra but he knew exactly how she was. There were no rose colored glasses involved. I laughed. It wasn’t a full body kind of thing but a slight, almost silent experience. It was the best I had.
“You fuckers want to talk about feelings and shit? Is that’s what’s going on?”
“Can’t say I’m not curious.” Adam focused out over the area toward the setting sun.
I thought about it for a minute. Did I really think I was going to get out of this whole thing without talking to them? No. I didn’t. The plus side to this fucking heart to heart was that they could tell Flannery and Kendra and I’d be left alone. As much alone as those two left a guy.
I didn’t want to talk about her, didn’t want to think about her. I thought I knew what it was like to have a broken heart which was why I didn’t intend to get close enough to someone for them to do it but fuck, the time before had nothing on this one. It was torture.
“It’s just what I said,” I finally said quietly.
They were both watching me. I could feel it.
“I hadn’t talked to her, she wasn’t replying to any text so I went to her house. The roommate said she wasn’t home. She was with some guy named Steve.” For the first possibly ever, at least where a girl was concerned, my eyes burned. Now, I wasn’t going to puss out and cry like a fucking baby but I sort of wanted to. “I don’t know what happened. We were fine before she went on that last job.”
They were quiet but I expected that. What was there to say?
“She didn’t say anything?” Cain finally asked. I shook my head. “That’s just so weird. I know Flan hasn’t been able to get a hold of her.”
“How did Flannery piss her off?” Adam asked. “Flannery doesn’t piss anyone off.”
“Yeah, I don’t want to talk about it. Don’t want to think about it. I have to start work on Monday and would prefer to spend the rest of the night and tomorrow drunk enough I won’t think about it.” They had to understand that.
“You’ll be ok?” Cain watched with eyes that knew too much, had seen too much at one point.
“When have I not been?”
We left then. Not needing to keep poking my pain but I was extremely surprised when Cain pulled in to the liquor store closest to his building. He hopped out without a word but was back pretty quickly with a brown wino bag then we headed back to his place. We’d been gone a couple of hours. It felt like we’d just left. Fuck it all as soon as we stepped in the door and got our coats off, Flannery was on us with Kendra right behind.
“Her phone has been disconnected.”
My eyebrow slammed down as I looked at Flannery trying to figure out what the fuck she was talking about.
“Miriam. Her phone. It’s disconnected.”
Fuck me.
I sighed deeply, grabbed the bag out of Cain’s hand, pulled out the bottle and yanked the top free. A nice long swallow and I knew he’d gotten tequila. Man did he know me or what?
“I’m more curious about this Emily person,” Kendra cut through.
I wish I’d kept my mouth shut. I was still buzzed but not nearly drunk enough for this bullshit. Not to mention Kendra was like a dog with a fucking bone, and she would harass my ass to my dying day. I took a deep breath and told myself I was in fact drunk enough.
“I had a girl in high school, she got pregnant, it wasn’t mine.”
Crickets were chirping somewhere in the world because I could fucking hear them. I wouldn’t look at a single person in the room. I already knew I’d be greeted with four faces of shock. Only Cain’s would be at the fact that I actually said what I did.
“That’s it? You’ve been against a relationship because someone cheated on you? Come on, Sam.” Kendra scoffed. Yup she wasn’t going to give up.
Pushing myself to my full height I glowered at her. I fucking hoped she quaked in her designer boots but this was Kendra and nothing scared her.
“Yeah she cheated,” I roared. Hard enough to put me off balance so yeah, maybe I was drunk enough in reality. “But I loved her. I fucking loved her, and I was going to stay with her and take care of that kid even though it wasn’t mine. She raked me over the fucking coals Kendra. She ripped my heart out when she ended up leaving with the fucker who knocked her up. Six months into the pregnancy. So fuck you if you think that wasn’t good enough to hurt me. Or fuck me up. Whatever.”
“That’s not what I meant,” she said back quietly.
“Why don’t you and Kendra hang out in the room tonight?” Cain asked quietly as I took a second drink.
“But—”
“Flannery, just hang out in the room tonight.” He said this gently. Not like he was ordering her around but in a way that would make her understand their presence made things worse.
Giving in, the girls went to the fridge, grabbed some provisions and shut themselves in Cain and Flannery’s room.
About to take another drink, Adam yanked it out of my hand and took one for himself.
“You want to get drunk not alcohol poisoning,” he said when he was done like none of what I’d just said made a damn bit of difference to him. Honestly, it probably didn’t. We were close like that.
“She disconnected her phone.” I stared at the TV long and hard even after the bottle had been handed back to me.
Honestly, it was the last thing I remember saying.
Noise in the kitchen woke me the next morning. I was still in the chair I’d fallen into the night before. Cain and Adam were each leaned against the back of the couch, their faces buried in the cushions. They’d spent the night out there with me when they had beds and women they could have gone to. But they didn’t. Yet another reason they’re my family.
A loud clack made my brain split in half.
“Shhh…” Flannery said in a mock whisper. “You’ll wake them.”
“Too fucking late,” I said back, my throat feeling like I’d swallowed a bucket of gravel.
“Yeah, I don’t think you two could be quiet if your life depended on it.” Cain spoke but his eyes remained closed.
“I’m pretty sure there have been a few times that I’ve been extremely quiet,” Flannery said back.
&nbs
p; I didn’t have the brain cells to think about her statement.
In the end, the girls fed us and left the Miriam topic alone. I knew the guys would fill them in so they had to know it too, which was fine. As long as I didn’t have to do it. Halfway through the afternoon, I went home. I needed to shower and get ready to start work the next morning. Couldn’t show up hung over on my first day, even if it was my father’s firm.
Being alone wasn’t as bad as I expected. Since no one was home when I got back to my parents, I got everything done without all the fucking questions. Or the looks. The looks were almost worse.
Chapter Nineteen
The first day of work at a new company is always a little odd. Except when it’s in your father’s law firm. A place you practically grew up. Most of the staff already knew me, and me, them. However, looking at a computer screen had me wanting to pop my eyeballs out of my head to give them a good rinse. I thought I should probably lay off the drinking a bit. I gave myself the weekend and now that it was over, I had to get my shit back together.
Dad explained that with the rash of security breaches among big corporations, he and his partners wanted to ensure that their client information was basically inside Fort Knox and that was my job. As well as all the regular IT bullshit that came up such as when someone forgets how to turn their computer on.
The firm expanded recently and the one guy they had running the department wasn’t cutting it anymore. First, I needed to take a look around their server to see where they stood then come up with a plan for what I wanted to change. I’d have to meet with the partners but really Dad had the final say. He was the head honcho around there.
That’s how the week went. I got my boxes from California, Cain and I looked at an apartment in his building that I agreed to immediately. I didn’t much care where I lived honestly, other than not wanting it to be with my parents and obviously Cain’s building was awesome. So by Friday I moved in and by that, I mean I had a bed and my clothes.
Saturday Flannery insisted on taking me shopping to get everything I’d need to make it a home. Her words.
We got an early start to the furniture place she said had same day delivery. I honestly could care less what went into my apartment so I set her loose and she did a good job. The living room set looked comfortable and the TV she picked out I knew was twice as big as anything she’d ever want. A dining set completed the big furniture with the exception of a desk but I’d already ordered it online and it would be delivered. Some things I was particular about. Cain was home so she called him to say he’d have to let the delivery guys into my place because we’d still be gone a while. Which excited me to no end.
Next stop was a housewares store. I’d left everything in California so I needed everything. Plates, silverware, glasses. Just, everything. Good thing I had a truck.
Last stop…the grocery store. I’d have to eat so really I couldn’t avoid it. After an hour in there, we were back at my place with Cain and me moving everything where Flannery suggested. Then moving it again when she said it wasn’t right.
What surprised me the most was how easily I slipped into my old life. That’s not to say I didn’t lie awake for a while at night trying to figure out what the hell I did wrong where Miriam was concerned. I was careful. So fucking careful. And yet, the end was the same. I was able to do all this contemplation sober which shocked the hell out of me.
Made it through the second week mostly. I had a few moments. For example, I may have punched the steering wheel of my truck a few times in frustration when I couldn’t get my mind off her. Or when some memory of something we did together popped into my head.
That was the worst part.
The memories.
I stayed away from people as much as I could. Cain tried to get me out with him a few times but I declined. He didn’t ask questions.
I passed most of my time sitting in front of the TV. I kept alcohol out of my house because it would be too tempting. My vision glazed over so I couldn’t give a shit what was on. It happened every night. I’d stare until things became blurry. But in the second week, it blurred for an entirely different reason.
Usually when I was hurt, which didn’t happen often, I got pissed. I punched something, did something stupid and typically Cain was there with me. Yet I was still surprised to find him there on my couch one night. I didn’t remember letting him in, but he had a key so maybe I didn’t. He just sat there. Like a piece of furniture.
He didn’t say anything for the longest time. Sat with me like a friend.
“You ok, man?”
I grunted in return because I wasn’t but I also wasn’t going to admit to that.
“I know how you feel. It’s ok to feel bad.” He would know. Flannery had crushed his fucking heart.
“Yeah, but you ended up with the girl.”
He nodded. I only knew that because he was in my peripheral vision.
“So what do you want to do? Beat the shit out of something?”
I didn’t have the energy to do that. What I really wanted, I couldn’t have so the rest was just details. But fuck my eyes started to burn, and I didn’t fucking cry. That wasn’t me.
So I kept from looking over at my best friend and bit the inside of my cheek to keep that shit away.
She could’ve broken up with me. I would have understood. It would have hurt but sometimes shit just doesn’t work out. What fucking killed was that she just disappeared from my life. Almost as if she’d never been there in the first place. But my brain remembered her being there so it had to be true.
Flannery had been trying to get me over to dinner with them, I think to make sure I was eating, but I had dodged her pretty well. The third Saturday without Miriam and Flannery wouldn’t take no for an answer. The fact that it was two weeks to the day since I’d been back and Christmas was just around the corner didn’t get by her either. Flannery had said once that Christmas was the time of year there was the most suicides. She couldn’t have been thinking that. I loved the hell out of Miriam. Probably always would. But no fucking way would I do that.
We ate lasagna, one of the things Flannery could cook, and talked for quite a while after. We were laughing like the old days and for the first time since I left for California after college, I really felt like I was home. This is where I should have always been. Even if it was with a giant gaping wound where Miriam used to be.
“The families are getting together on Christmas Day,” Cain said as we cleared the table.
“I’m aware. I think we’ve been doing that for what? At least twenty-three years?”
We both chuckled.
Our families had been doing it much longer than that. For the first time, I decided it was time to man up and bring up the giant zebra colored elephant in the room.
“Still haven’t been able to get a hold of Miriam?” I asked Flannery quietly.
She stopped cold and looked at me with giant eyes. They were big and brown and reminded me of dinner plates.
I rolled mine then slid past her to drop the plates in the sink. I surprised the hell out of her. I surprised the hell out of myself asking that question.
“Uh, no. I guess radio silence means radio silence.”
“Sorry,” I said softly. “I know she was your friend and that sucks.”
“Yeah.” She sighed. “It does. I just don’t get it. Now I wish we’d exchanged email addresses or something.” She bit at her lip the way someone did when they were contemplating saying something someone might not want to hear. Meaning me. Which meant I really didn’t want to hear it. “I’m…well, I’m sort of worried something’s wrong.”
“How’s that?” I leaned back against the counter drying my hands with a kitchen towel.
“It doesn’t seem like her to walk away without an explanation. If she wanted to break up with you that’s one thing. But me and Kendra?”
“Maybe she wanted a clean break,” Cain offered.
Made sense to me although I had no idea why. Thi
ngs had been good between us.
“Yeah. I know. Still, I worry.” Her eyes fell a little. “I really hope she’s ok.”
Fuck. Fuck. FuckFuckFuck.
I’d been so upset, so hurt I hadn’t thought about the fact that something might be wrong. It was going on three weeks since I talked to her and anything could have happened in that amount of time. Did she even make it back to her house after her last job? I didn’t know.
Son of a bitch.
She could be dead in a fucking ditch for all I knew. The thought made me sick in an entirely different way but now that it was in my head I couldn’t shake it.
Launching myself off the counter, I had no idea what I was going to do but, I stalked around the kitchen like a caged animal about ready to climb out of my own skin. I needed to know.
I needed to know.
If she was okay and didn’t want me, I’d live with that. What I couldn’t live with was not knowing now that these crazy scenarios were in my head. Fuck, I hoped they were crazy.
Fuck.
“Sam. What’s wrong?” Cain sounded concerned. Like actually concerned.
“Fuck. I’ve got to go back to California.”
“Ok. Let’s go.”
I didn’t need to explain why I had to go, he was going with me. That’s what brothers did. With Wednesday being Christmas, the office had bare bones staff, only those that were absolutely necessary, and I could guarantee I wasn’t absolutely necessary. And if I was? Dad would just have to understand.
When I turned to say as much, Cain was already coming back to the kitchen with his laptop in hand. An uncomfortable amount of keystrokes later he looked up at me.
“We’re on a plane in the morning.” He left the ticket open ended since we couldn’t predict how long things would take. “That’s ok with you, right?”
I almost answered until I figured out he wasn’t talking to me.
“Yeah, of course. Do what you have to do.” Hope sparkled in Flannery’s eyes.
It wasn’t the “I hope my friend is okay” kind of thing either. It was more “This will bring them back together.” I didn’t want to dash it but also couldn’t share in it. This was about making sure Miriam was ok. That nothing bad had happened to her. That was all.
Up for Everything (Up for Grabs #3) Page 16
