But even so, my injury and my vision weren’t the only things I considered when making my decision. It had just as much to do with the fact that the game I used to love had become tedious work. Long ago, I made myself a promise that I’d only play as long as I loved the game, because I watched too many players keep going, trying to live up to the expectations of others when their hearts had left long before. I didn’t ever want to turn into one of those men.
“We both know there’s no way the head office is going to sign off on a contract extension for me after the way my year went,” I admitted to him, ashamed that I let my personal life affect my performance as much as it did. The team paid me a healthy salary, and I failed them. Until I sorted out everything else, I’d be no good to any team.
“Whether that’s true or not, it doesn’t change the fact that you have talent, Atley.” Coach had calmed down enough that he sat at the chair he had been ready to rip apart minutes earlier. “You’re right that it was a tough year for you, but the fact that you recognize that tells me that it’s possible for you to turn it around. I’ve already spent hours fighting with management to get you a one year extension.”
God, hearing that made me feel like a huge asshole. I figured he’d be glad to see me go. Knowing that he’d stood up for me made me regret not talking to him before my announcement.
“Look, you’ve had one hell of a week. I’m still livid that you did what you did out there, but I’m not ready to give up on you yet.” I looked up to see Coach Martinez tapping away at his keyboard. “I don’t do this often, but I don’t want to lose you. I can’t guarantee anything right this minute, because you’ve ruffled more than a few feathers, but I’d like to put you on the forty-man roster. That way you can take some time to think about if this is truly what you want to do, and we can see what the doctors have to say about your prognosis. We’ll get together in December to make a final decision. Together.”
As much as I thought I was at peace with my decision, I thought that seemed like a fair compromise. Coach had always been there for me, and maybe I could take the next few months to honestly think about where I saw my life heading over the next year or five.
“I can live with that,” I told him. The fact that he was pressing so hard for this showed me that I might not be as washed up as I figured. Coach looked to be in a hurry to get somewhere when Ike popped his head in the door to remind him of the time. I stared at the table in front of me as he stood to leave.
“There are no guarantees at this point, Atley,” he informed me without turning to face me. “You pulled a pretty bone-headed stunt in there and I doubt the suits are going to take kindly to being caught off guard that way.”
“I understand, sir.” Coach stood to leave, and I considered ignoring the elephant in the room the same as he seemed to be. I let him get almost to the door before speaking up. “Coach, one more thing…”
He leaned against the wall, knowing what I was going to ask. “Mason, what you do in your private life is none of my business. I can’t say the rest of the team will feel the same way, or that the suits won’t think your relationship is too much of a distraction, but to me, it makes no difference at all. The only thing I care about is whether or not you can get your head back in the game.”
“Thank you, sir.” I knew as I watched him walk away that he was right. Even though he said he didn’t care, that didn’t mean shit in the clubhouse or front office.
Sean didn’t answer when I tried calling him, and I worried that he’d left me here. Between his reaction to my retirement announcement and the fact that we’d both been caught off guard by the accusations about our relationship being the cause of my divorce, anything was possible. He’d spent years protecting this part of his life from everyone, and all it took was one minute for everyone to know. And while I didn’t know how the word got out, I knew it was my fault. It had to be, because that bitch not only knew about us, she knew about Teresa signing the divorce papers.
I sulked to the employee entrance and cracked the door open just far enough to see two things. First, I caught a glimpse of Sean’s Camaro in the parking lot, which meant he was here somewhere. Second, I noticed that the mass of reporters waiting for us to leave the building had grown substantially. I’d rather be anywhere but here, but there was no safe escape for me.
With game time approaching, it was hard to find a quiet corner to wait out the storm. I picked up my phone several times and shoved it in my pocket, telling myself this wasn’t the time or the place for this phone call. I wasn’t completely surprised when it rang.
“What do you want?” I spat out. I’d been considering calling Teresa for the past forty-five minutes, but now that she was on the other end of the line, she was the last person I wanted to talk to.
“Mason, I swear I didn’t say anything to anyone,” she cried. The bitter part of me wanted to ask if she was mourning the imminent loss of her divorce settlement, but I couldn’t muster the energy to be a dick. “I meant it that night in the hospital when I told you I accepted that we were through. I love you. You have to know I’d never do something to hurt you.”
“How, Teresa?” I ducked into an empty storage room to keep my words from echoing through the hall. “How am I supposed to believe you wouldn’t be a vindictive bitch? You admitted you came to the game that night so you could try to convince me to reconcile, so why should I suddenly believe you wouldn’t do anything to sabotage my relationship with Sean?”
“You’re right,” she agreed. I heard her ragged sobs echoing in the receiver. “You’re absolutely right, but I’m begging you to believe me. Other than when you and I talked in your room that night, the only person I said anything to was Sean on my way—oh crap…”
I waited for her to share whatever she’d just thought of, but she didn’t continue. “Teresa? Did you have something else to say?”
“Mason, I was so stupid.” The waterworks started again. Having been on the receiving end of her exaggerated cries many times, I knew this was different. She bawled until she hiccupped, her ugly cry as she put it. “There was a woman sitting in the hall when I was talking to Sean. I didn’t think anything of it at first, but when I looked over my shoulder on the way to my car, I saw her again. That has to be it.”
“I’ll tell Maria and have her look into it,” I assured her. I didn’t know if there was anything our press manager could do, but she’d be able to dig deeper than I could to find out where the rumor, or truth as it were, started.
Rebecca led me to Stu’s office, where he and Angel were waiting for us. Stu stopped speaking mid-sentence when we walked through the door. He motioned for the two of us to sit and proceeded to stare at me, fingers steepled in front of his tightly pursed mouth. “Have you somehow managed to fool all of us? Are you telling me you’re one of them queers?”
Bile rose in my throat at the slur on Coach’s lips. He was nearly sixty years old and not terribly open-minded, so I shouldn’t have been so appalled by his reaction. But I was, dammit. I’d more than proven my worth year after year, been loyal to the Mavericks, even when my agent got upset with me for turning down more lucrative deals, but it seemed it was all coming down to where I stuck my dick at night.
“Stu, you can’t say things like that,” Rebecca scolded him. She swallowed hard before turning to me. “Sean, please know that Coach didn’t mean anything by his statement. I think he’s trying to process everything that’s happening, as well as how it relates to one of the Mavericks’ key players.”
“I know you’re doing your job, but I don’t need you to speak for me,” Coach argued. “Sean, I’m sorry. That was insensitive of me. I just… well, shit.”
Coach slumped back in his chair, defeated. “Sir, I know it’s a lot to take in, but it’s not the first time a team has had to deal with this situation. And you have the opportunity to handle it differently than it has been in the past.
“I knew it was only a matter of time before the truth came out, and I’d been trying
to find a way to tell you because I wanted to avoid this exact situation,” I admitted. Rebecca seemed to have a spark of inspiration as she started furiously scribbling notes on a legal pad she snatched off Stu’s desk. That was annoying, because I’d kind of hoped she’d help me out here. “I’d been hoping that we could keep this under the radar until the off-season, because I didn’t want my personal life to negatively affect the team. I’m not foolish enough to think everyone’s going to be cool with my personal life, and I don’t want their feelings toward me to cause problems on the field.”
“Well, they’re going to have to get over it.” This time it was Angel chiming in. All eyes snapped to him in disbelief. “Look, I’m not saying you’re wrong. I’m also not saying it’s going to be easy, but the league has policies in place and the management staff will do everything in their power to make sure it’s understood that we will not tolerate ignorance or hate, on or off the field.”
“Forgive me, Angel, but you can’t be stupid enough to think those boys are going to accept this and move on as if nothing’s changed, can you?” Stu was struggling to bite his tongue, and Rebecca was quick to jump in again, reminding him that his attitude was a prime example of why we’d been trying to keep this secret.
“Stu, the team is going to look to you and the rest of the coaching staff for guidance on this,” she reminded him, casting a critical glance Angel’s way as well. “If you can’t or won’t accept the fact that Sean is still the same pitcher he’s been all season, it’ll be harder on them. On the other hand, you have a wonderful opportunity in front of you. You are the first manager who’ll have to deal with an out player on his roster. You have the ability to show the world that it doesn’t make a lick of difference who your players go home to as long as they’re playing the best game possible.
“The league took a stand last year, but a lot of people still see the commissioner’s press conference as little more than lip service,” she continued. “They brought in a gay former player and gave him a fancy title, but beyond that, little has been done to foster an accepting environment.”
“Oh, come on, Rebecca! Are we talking about the majors here or are you trying to build a better school for underprivileged kids? An ‘accepting environment’? Are you kidding me?” Stu slapped his hand down on the desk. “No matter what the league had someone write up as an official policy, that’s not going to mean a damn thing if the rest of the team is uncomfortable showering in the same locker room as a gay man. They’ll be worried about whether or not he’s going to make a pass at them or check them out.”
It had been a shitty morning, and that was the final straw. I lurched out of my chair quick enough that Stu flinched, thinking I was coming over the desk for him. Instead, I planted my hands on edge of the desk and leaned in so I knew he’d hear me. “Not once in all my years on the team have I ever checked out another player. I’m intelligent enough to know the difference between picking up tricks at a bar and doing my job,” I snarled. I looked back to see Angel and Rebecca both smirking, and I had an idea. “Tell me, Stu… when we walk out of the office, will you be staring at Rebecca’s backside? Is it difficult for you to sit here without staring at her cleavage?”
“Absolutely not!” Stu responded emphatically. Now, his face was beet red and the vein near his temple throbbed as he stood, mirroring my position so our faces were inches apart. “That would be completely inappropriate and I’d lose my job if she filed a sexual harassment complaint.”
I sat back in my seat, crossing my arms over my chest as I tried not to smile. “Seems to me you just made my point for me,” I stated calmly. “Besides the fact that I’ve had years of watching what I do in the locker room because I never wanted anyone to get too close to the truth, it’d be career suicide for me to openly ogle other players simply because my secret is out there now. Why is it that you think you’re capable of being professional, and yet you assume I won’t be?”
“Well–I–shit, I guess I didn’t look at it that way,” Stu admitted, shaking his head. “I can’t guarantee how the guys are going to handle this news, but I’ll take your word for it that nothing changes when you’re here. If any of the guys take issue with this, I will make sure it’s known that management has your back.”
“Thank you, sir.” It didn’t go without notice that he was glaring at Rebecca the entire time he spoke. It wasn’t that he was okay with my sexuality, he was simply doing what needed to be done to keep the suits upstairs from blowing a gasket.
“As much as I’d love to sit here and chat all day, Angel and I do have a game to prepare for,” Stu said dismissively. “Rebecca, until you have a statement prepared, I’ll instruct everyone to refrain from commenting on this story any more than they may have already. Tucker, in light of everything that’s happening, I think it’d be for the best if you take the day off.”
“Yes, sir.” I tried to ignore feeling as though I was being punished over something I couldn’t control. He was right; my presence at the park would only detract from what truly mattered. However, there was one thing I had to do before heading home. I stood to follow Stu to the door. “Sir, if it’s okay with you, I think I need to talk to the guys before I leave. I’m sure some of them will have already heard, but I’d rather they have the opportunity to hear this directly from me.”
“I think that’s a good idea,” Angel agreed. “Sean’s been an important part of our team for years now, and they’ll respect him more if he addresses them directly.”
“I’d prefer to not do this before a game, but I don’t know that we have a choice. Come on, most of the guys should be getting ready by now.”
The four of us walked down the corridor to the clubhouse. Stu had called down and asked that everyone meet us there in five minutes. When my teammates saw me walk in behind them, a few turned to look away and I knew that they all knew. Jason quirked an eyebrow before giving me a curt nod. This simple gesture reassured me that not everyone would turn their backs on me after today. Stu whistled to get everyone’s attention.
“Before we head out to warm up, Tucker has something he needs to say to everyone. I’m sure you’ve already heard the rumor that was started at this morning’s press conference. Sean wanted to give everyone an opportunity to clear the air so we can get back to playing ball.”
He motioned for me to step forward. That annoying lump formed in my throat and I wished Mason were here to help me. Unlike me, he had no problem saying what was on his mind. The longer I went without speaking, the louder the whispers grew, to the point Coach let out a shrill whistle and scolded everyone to pipe down. “Guys, there’s no easy way to say this,” I started, wiping my sweaty palms against my thighs. “This morning, a reporter asked a question I’ve been trying to avoid for years. If you have something to say about anything you might have heard on your way in today, I trust that you guys know me well enough to know you can say it to my face.”
“Damn, Tucker, whatever’s going on spill it already!” My head snapped up and I saw Drew Jackson smirking at me. Hopefully his cocky expression wouldn’t morph into disgust when I finished my thought.
“Sorry, this is tougher than I thought it’d be.” A few of the guys added their supportive comments as I took a deep breath. It reminded me that we were more than just teammates. We were a family, and even if they didn’t like what I was about to say, they’d find a way past it. “Thanks, it means a lot to me to hear you guys tell me I’m freaking over nothing, but this is a really big fucking deal for me.”
I looked around the room to see everyone watching me with rapt attention, even the guys who were doing everything they could to avoid direct eye contact. I was screwing this up. “Fuck, okay…I’m sure you’ve all noticed that I’m one of the few single guys on the team. Hell, I know a few of you’ve made a pastime out of giving me shit about it. The truth is, I’m not single, and I’m quite possibly happier than I’ve ever been.”
“Does anyone else hear the closet door creaking open?” one of the
outfielders quipped, causing a few snickers. And then the room went completely still as my teammates realized I wasn’t disputing what he said. I hadn’t once tried to deny what they already knew thanks to some sports reporter hoping to make a name for herself.
“Is that what this is all about?” Jackson asked. I cracked my knuckles and risked a look around the room.
“Yeah, I guess it is. Like I said, I know some people are going to be pissed off, but I’m the same person today that I was yesterday.”
It was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop. A few guys stormed out of the room, but most of them were too shocked to move. “Alright boys, as much as I’d love to sit around shooting the shit all day, there’s work to be done,” Coach hollered, breaking the silence. “As Tucker said, if you have something to say, you will say it to him or to me. But know this, the Mavericks organization stands behind his decision, and we’ll do everything we can to make it known that his sex life is no more interesting than any of you other assholes. There will be a zero tolerance policy for any bullshit retaliation. Sean has made it abundantly clear that who he is off the field won’t change his performance on the field, and I trust him to hold to that.”
With that, we were dismissed to the field. Coach whistled again before we reached the doors. “One last thing before we head out there today. I shouldn’t have to remind you of this, but if I see the words ‘an anonymous source reports’ anywhere online regarding this, I will find the leak and the punishment will be painful in more ways than one.”
Drew hung back while the rest of the guys left with little more than a quick wave. I supposed that had gone better than I could have asked for, because no one had made any outwardly bigoted comments. It remained to be seen if that was because it didn’t matter or if they really didn’t care. “Hey, I wanted to let you know I think it’s really cool that you did that,” he said. I looked over to him and swore I saw stars in his eyes. It was a look typically sported by the rookies when they first walked in, and Drew had recently been called up from the minors for the first time. “I know it had to suck, but I’ve always thought it was stupid that it was such a big deal.”
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