“Guera.” Angel catches me off guard as he approaches, and I’m thankful for the distraction.
“Hey!” I shift uncomfortably, sitting up straighter.
Vee watches as he sits down next to me. She doesn’t look away, even when I glance at her.
“Heard you fucked a girl up.”
I swallow and let out a shaky breath. “Yeah.”
The queen is still staring at us.
“What’s up with Vee?” I ask without making eye contact with her. “Is she pissed at me?”
“Ha! Yeah, just told her I had my eye on you from day one.”
“Oh, I thought you two were together,” I say, half worried about offending Vee, and half freaking out over what he just said. My mind is so tangled with nerves, I can’t figure out if I’m excited or terrified.
He laughs. “You’re cute, Guera. Don’t let her hear that. Vee’s my big sister.”
“Oh.” I smile to myself, relieved to know that’s why she’s watching us. Although, obviously she doesn’t trust me yet.
“She told me about you,” he continues. “Said you tore Littles apart. She’s proud of you. Thinks you’re a lot like her.”
“I don’t know. She’s looking at me like she wants me dead right now.” The words just fall out of my mouth around him. I can’t even control what I’m saying.
“She’s protective of me. Always thinks I’m gonna get fucked by some hina. I haven’t had much luck with some past females. They give me trouble. But you won’t give me trouble, will you, Guera?”
His tone changes. It sounds dangerous. Like there’s a darker side of him I haven’t seen yet. I smile and put my head down with a swift shake.
“So how do you feel? That was your first fight, right?”
“Yeah...honestly I’m scared shitless. I have no idea what I’m doing, and I thought I killed that girl. Vee doesn’t think so but she wasn’t moving.”
My chest aches as I picture her, and I hope he tells me what I need to hear.
“Huh...Well Vee didn’t tell me that part. I’ll keep you safe, though. You’re mine now. I already claimed you.”
“Oh? And who said that I wanted to be claimed by you?” I’m only half-serious.
“Well, I figured the way you look at me you wouldn’t be hard to persuade. Now that I know what you can do, I can’t resist. I don’t think I’d let you say no.”
He leans in and kisses me in front of everyone. My first kiss. I let his large Mexican lips push softly into mine. I stay too still, afraid I’ll ruin it or do something wrong. He smells amazing. Like an Abercrombie and Fitch store. What can only be described as “boyfriend smell”. The rush hits me as I breathe in, but it’s almost immediately stolen away by a quick jolt and hard press of his teeth.
“FUCK!” A large vein pulses in his temple as he screams two inches from my face. “WHO THE FUCK JUST KICKED ME?”
My heart hammers feverishly, in-love, frightened and unsure all at once. I can feel the heat in my face as I blush, secretly from fear. I’ve never heard him raise his voice. Vee isn’t on the counter anymore, but across the room with a very large grin on her face. No one says a word.
He raises his eyebrows. “Vee I know it was you cause no one’s speakin’ up.”
“So what if it was, Angel? What you gonna do?”
“Come on,” he says to me, standing and holding his hand out.
I choose not to take it, even though everyone is watching.
Instead I lock eyes with Vee. “It’s all you, Vee. Not unless you say it’s okay.”
She lingers, leaving me uncomfortable in the silence. All she has to do is snap her fingers and I’m dead. Thankfully she smiles and rolls her eyes.
“You’re good, Guera,” she says with a quick nod, and I scurry out the front door trying to act as cool as I possibly can.
Angel follows and sits down beside me on the front steps.
“That was awkward,” I say. “I thought she was gonna kick my ass. I’m sorry but I just can’t challenge her.”
“Oh, I know and I wouldn’t have let you. Vee is crazy and she can tear you up. You did good, though. She was impressed again. You keep it up, and you’ll stay on good terms. She likes the power, and she wants to know that you respect her above all. She told me you’ll be watched. She’s going to try and keep you in check.”
“Well it helps when you’re scared shitless of a person.”
“You don’t have to worry. We’re safe. She’s not going to stop us again, but she will be harsh towards you.”
He leans in and kisses me again. We don’t talk. We just kiss, and he holds me in his arms under the starless haze of the San Jose sky. He looks at me from time to time with a smile and tells me I’m beautiful. I believe him. All the violence and pain are worth this moment.
The later it gets, the more insistent my mom’s texts become, so he walks me home, holding my hand the whole way. I tell him about where I live and the difference between the city and the country. I explain what a new world this is, and he is fascinated with my stories. I don’t pretend to be tough, or familiar with this life. I’m myself and he accepts me, even though I’m nothing like the girl I’ve been pretending to be.
We stop around the corner from my grandparents’ trailer to say goodnight, and he slides his hands around my waist.
“Well whatever you’re doing, it’s working,” he whispers into my ear. The feel of his lips against my hair is incredible. “Everyone seems to like you.”
It’s nice to hear. I don’t know what it is that makes them like me, but I’m glad they do. I’m glad he does.
“Us guys are going to be playing some ball in the park tomorrow if you want to come watch me play. I know Vee is coming so at least some of the girls will be there.”
“Yeah I’d like to see you play. Sounds like fun. Vee said I should keep a low profile, though. After what I did to Littles, I think that clique might be looking for me.”
“They’re going to be looking for all of you. Probably us guys, too. You won’t be singled out. They’ll go after any of us for what you girls did.”
“I don’t know. If they’re going to retaliate, shouldn’t we all lay low?”
He shakes his head. “We don’t hide, Guera. It’s just life around here. There’s always someone looking to get one of us. In our gang, you take it together and you give it out together. But don’t worry. We’ll be a big group. They won’t come looking for a fight if we’re in a crowd.”
“All right, I’ll be there. What time?”
“We’ll pick you up when we’re on our way. Just be ready to go.”
He kisses me, jumps on his skateboard, and takes off.
I turn toward the trailer, readying myself to face my family. I make sure my bruised temple is covered by my bangs before I climb the flimsy porch steps that lead up to the back door.
“Hey girly. Where ya been? It’s late,” I hear my grandpa say from his La-Z-Boy.
“Oh, I was just with Ro at Leti’s house,” I yell down the hall. “We were playing some games on their Nintendo. They have one where you can shoot ducks, it’s fun.” I slip into the bathroom and turn on the shower. That will at least give me a few more minutes, a chance to clean up and use some of Mom’s makeup.
The water in this shower is always either scalding hot or freezing, but it still feels good to wash all the nervous sweat from my body. As the soap rinses away, I examine my war wounds, the largest of which is the shoe-print bruise that has turned a purpley yellow. Mostly I’m just sore everywhere.
“Hey,” Ruth’s voice carries over the rush of the water. I stop with the soap against my shoulder, irrationally worried she’ll pull back the curtain and see my beaten body.
“I’m trying to take a shower. Do you have to just bust in here?”
“I have to pee. I’m not holding it the whole time. You take forever. Besides, Mom wants to know if you ate already or if she should make you a plate for dinner.”
“I don’t know. Wha
tever,” I say, sounding as annoyed as possible so she’ll get out.
My heart races. If she finds out how bad my bruises are, Mom finds out, and she’ll make me leave. I’m not ready to leave Angel.
Ruth scoffs. “Thanks Luce. That’s really helpful.”
I shut the water off as soon as she leaves, needing to hide myself under a fresh pair of pjs.
My face is another story. After toweling off I wipe down the mirror. There’s swelling in my upper lip from the hard knock of Angel’s teeth when Vee kicked him. Thankfully I have huge lips already and am prone to cold sores. I can totally play it off as that.
The bruise on my temple has spread a little. I already had one there from the night all the girls jumped me, but I’m pretty sure the fight with Littles made it worse. Good, I think. I deserve it. I wonder if I’ll ever know what happened to her, if she’s alive. It makes me sick to think about it, so I push the thought away.
I lean close to the mirror to examine the shades of purple and yellow near my eye. I could hide it with my hair but I’ll have to be really careful not to put it behind my ears. I dig through Mom’s makeup bag just in case. By the time I’m done, I look a lot better than I feel. My head is starting to hurt really bad. I was planning on raiding grandpa’s meds for some painkillers, but I have no idea what to take. I decide to just suck it up.
“Hey sweetie,” Grandma says, meeting me in the hallway. She’s basically an older version of my mom with short grey hair and glasses. “I made a plate for you. Do you still want me to braid your hair?”
“Oh, I forgot about that,” I say, recalling a conversation we had days ago. “It’s okay. I don’t want it to be crimpy tomorrow. We’re going to the park. There’s some people playing basketball, and they’re supposed to be pretty good so Ro and Leti want to go watch. If that’s okay with you guys of course.”
“Sure, sweetheart. Remember we’re having your uncle over for dinner at six tomorrow so don’t stay out too late again, okay?”
“I’ll be in early,” I promise. I mean it too. I’ve been out a lot lately and haven’t spent much time with them. I can tell they miss me, and I can’t let them get suspicious. If they find out about me fighting they could send us home.
I still don’t know what’ll happen when I leave the gang. After summer is over Mom will have to take us home for school. They have to realize that, right? The days are weighing heavy on my conscience anyway. I don’t really feel good about what I’m involved in, but I want to be a part of it. To be accepted. It’s a wonderful feeling to get praise for things and to have a place in their strange little family. I’ll ask Ro tomorrow about what’s going to happen when I leave.
At least I’ll be rid of those girls looking for revenge. Unless they find me first.
CHAPTER 10
Ruth
THE LIGHTS ARE OFF, but the streetlamp outside gives off enough of a glow that I can see Lucy lying next to me on our blow-up bed. Her eyes are closed, but she hasn’t dozed off yet.
I don’t say anything, but I watch her and remember what it used to be like between us. We’ve had our secret moments. When the two of us would put down our swords and bow like graceful warriors conceding to play, as long as no one was watching.
There’s a reason I feel comfortable next to her, even though a part of me can’t stand her. The dark has always bound us. I imagine her face, rounder with youth, the way it used to look when she’d sneak down the hall to my room on whiskey nights.
I can still hear the innocence in her voice. “Can I sleep with you?”
Sleep was the wrong word. Nobody slept on those nights. Not when strange men with beer on their breath were only a wall away. I’ll never forget the sound of Daddy’s drunken fingers fumbling over the hard wires of his guitar and his voice barreling through the walls.
Even then she was mine to watch over.
“Sure.” No matter how crazy she drove me during the day, I could never say no to Lucy’s teary eyes. “You can sleep with me.”
“Can you take off the buttons?”
I’ve never known anyone else to have a fear of buttons, but my sister does, even to this day. It’s something she can’t quite explain.
“I’m not taking off the buttons,” I’d tell her.
She would tiptoe anxiously back and forth, weighing the options. Sit alone in the dark while the country songs and liquor-laced cackles rang through our mobile home or face the buttons?
It never took long for me to cave.
“Okay fine.” I’d slip out of my button-down nightgown and put on an over-sized shirt. “You owe me.”
Her tiny six-year-old body would nestle into mine, and though I played it off as a burden to take her in, I welcomed the companionship, the warmth and comfort of her next to me. I didn’t know then, but I would grow to miss the feeling.
Now, as she hugs the farthest edge of our blow up mattress, I find myself grieving that closeness.
“Ruth?” she whispers. “Are you awake?”
My eyes fly open, and I’m shaken out of my dream-state. I hadn’t even realized I’d drifted off.
“Yeah,” I whisper through the dark.
“I met a boy.”
There’s something about the delicate hush of night that temps us to trade secrets.
“What do you mean?” I ask, intrigued.
“I don’t know. I really like him. His name is Angel.”
A stab of jealousy makes me pause. “Does he like you?” I don’t know why I ask. Of course he does. Lucy has never had trouble finding boys who like her.
“Yeah. He kissed me.”
I lift my head off the pillow. “What? Really?” My voice rises a little in pitch even though we’re trying desperately to whisper.
“Shhh!” she hushes me with a quiet laugh, and I lay my head back down so we can stare sideways at each other.
“What was it like?”
She thinks about it. “Soft.”
“That’s it? Soft?”
“Yeah. But like with a rush, you know?”
No. I don’t know. I want to know, so so badly. “What does he look like?”
“Like...really hot. He’s got smooth, tan skin and kinda spikey hair. Oh, and he smells so good.”
I live out that fantasy in my head. Strong arms wrapping around me, the smell of Old Spice, like Dad’s body wash. The longing is so strong I feel lifeless without it. Maybe there is love for me somewhere in this city. It’s definitely not at home in Massack. I’ve searched. I’ve waited.
“I guess you’re glad we came then.”
She turns on to her back and stares at the ceiling. “Yeah. I guess.”
“Mom doesn’t think we should go back. I think she’s right. It’s probably best they get divorced.”
A car alarm goes off in the distance, and if she says anything, I don’t hear it.
“Luce?”
The room is dim with moonlight, so I can’t really read her expression, but she stays quiet and turns her back to me in an angry huff.
“Hey—” I start, but she pulls the covers up over her shoulders.
“It’s fine,” she interrupts, her voice as dark and unnerving as the night.
CHAPTER 11
Lucy
FIRST THING IN THE morning I meet Ro and Leti out front. I dress in jeans and a white tank top with a gray sweater—no color. I’m getting used to the dress code.
“Hey,” Leti says. “Angel came by with Toño after you left, said you would be coming with us to the game. Guess you two be a thing now?” I can hear the mockery in her voice.
“Yeah, I guess. That’s kind of the impression I got.”
“He wouldn’t shut up about you last night,” Ro says. “It was like, annoying. We tried to call you out, but you didn’t wake up when we was at your window. Listen for us tonight.”
“All right I will. When the boys getting here?”
“Toño said they were on their way. They’ll be at the corner soon. You ready?”
; We walk out of the trailer park and around the block. Sure enough they are on their boards heading straight for us. When Angel gets close enough he jumps off his and scoops me up in his arms to kiss me.
“Que guapa, mami.”
I laugh at the compliment. “Okay, okay,” I say, rushing him to put me down. I’m too nervous and panicky to enjoy his attention. The game is at the same park as the fight.
As we approach I don’t know what I’m more afraid of, the girls being there again, or finding a collection of Catholic candles and dried flowers on the bench where I lost myself.
Thankfully I find neither. Instead there are familiar faces, friends sitting on picnic tables next to the court. But my eyes stay on that bench.
“It’s okay,” Angel says, tugging me along. “Nobody’s going to get through unnoticed. There’s always lookouts posted up.”
I look around, still tense, but follow him to the table taking a seat on the grass next to Leti and Ro. After Angel and Toño hit the court, the game starts. Reggaeton music plays from somewhere behind us. The girls are talking about someone I don’t know, so I just zone out and enjoy the sun. The guys are yelling at each other over fouls and things, but laughter keeps it light-hearted. I only close my eyes for a second.
A loud pop makes me jump and my eyelids flick open. Veronica grabs my head and forces me and Leti to the ground. A mix of fear and anger surges into my chest as I ready myself to fight the queen, only she’s not hitting me. She’s hovering over me like a mother.
I get a chance to look up, and at the same time three more pops go off. Vee pushes my head down again before I see anything. Then she’s grabbing my arm and yanking me up and pushing me forward. “Run, Guera. Get moving. Everyone move!” she screams.
I can’t move. Not yet. I search for Angel. He’s still on the court, running toward me. There are lots of cars parked along the road, but only one driving by—a white El Camino. Three guns are pointed out its window.
Another pop and Angel falls. I’m a scarecrow in a field of bullets.
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