I’ve had my moments. She’s had hers.
Beneath all of it, there is, and always has been, a bond that you can’t find in people you meet. It’s a love we were born with for each other. She’s more than a best friend. We’re two halves of a single heart—my mother’s heart.
EPILOGUE
Mom
THE LOSS OF HIM still hurts. I don’t think I’ll ever be over it, but I’ve finally managed to let go of most of the guilt that clung to me that first year. Now and then I feel it again, the nagging regret and wondering, what if I hadn’t gone home with Art that night? What if Lucy and I hadn’t come into his life at all? Would he still be alive?
I know now that fate had its own plans. Regrets and what-ifs won’t bring him back and Art’s trouble with Gabe began long before we crossed paths.
Not surprisingly, school turned out to be the great healer. I found my confidence there, buried under books and in the welcoming embrace of new friends. I learned that the lonely heart can manage, and that being with a man never defined me. I was there, all along, hiding inside myself.
Art was the first to reach out, the first hand to coax me into the light of loving myself.
He set me on my feet again, and that made all the difference.
When I look back, I think of how he might have saved her. Lucy and I only relived her moment in that hotel once, in her crying confession that because of him, she’s alive. Even though he’s gone, maybe she would be too if he hadn’t driven her home that day.
I thank God he had the strength to act when I did not. My love for her was blinding, and alongside that love there was always fear. I still feel it. I think a mother always does.
On the first days of Lucy’s motherhood, when her exhausted eyes had gone days without rest she asked me when it would stop, when the constant anxiety over the baby would end.
“When will I quit worrying so much about every little thing?” she asked me.
I smiled at her, thinking of that wild girl she used to be, and the strong but unsure adult she had become.
“Never,” I told her, remembering her reckless spirit, the girl we almost lost. “You’ll never not worry about your children, but it’ll get easier. One day.”
I still worry, even now, about their marriages and their kids. About their happiness.
I don't know what I would do without my girls, and though it hurts to be away, living my own life, finally teaching and in love again, I’m so proud of the women they’ve become. They are both incredible mothers. Ruth is a best-selling author and Lucy is running a local company that couldn’t make it without her. It feels good to see my girls happy.
In spite of all the things I could have done differently, the tragedy that happened didn’t rip us apart, it knitted the three of us together. And though the past lives safely in the past, and all was forgiven long ago, it created a closeness no one can break.
My girls are my world, and they’ll always be the best part of me.
EPILOGUE
Lucy
LIFE IS HARD. But in the best way. Carting kids to school, working a full-time job, making my mortgage, and getting through high mountain winters requires its fair share of wine to take the edge off, but it’s the kind of struggle that’s worth the fight.
Addiction is in my blood. It’ll never let go of me completely. I smoke. I drink too much. I gamble, just like Mom. But I haven’t gone back to drugs.
Instead I married Rick, and he became my habit. Our back and forth. The love-you-like-crazies and late night fights that make us cry. I’m damaged, but so is he in his own way, and our kind of love is a song of cadences and crescendos that’s born of being hurt and broken.
But he stands by my side, with that country dirt under his nails and layer of dust on his boots. He knows me like nobody else, the real me, who chased him down the slide when we were ten, who left and lost herself, who came back full of holes and hooked on drugs. And he loves me.
Every now and then I think of Gabe, of how different my life would be if he’d lived. But that thought only sinks me deeper. I try not to get caught in its trap, because I’m good and happy and free here under this Massack sky.
Here things are familiar and safe. It’s peaceful and quiet, and my fighting spirit translates into resilience. Being tough doesn’t get me into fights; instead it gets me through rough country life. Here I can chop wood for my fire instead of hitting someone in the face. I can shovel snow from my drive and scrape ice from my windshield, and those things keep me steady.
I don’t have to be afraid anymore. I don’t have to escape.
After our third child was born, Rick and I bought a house down the dirt road from Dad. Ironically, he’s an amazing grandpa. He babysits, changes diapers, fixes my car and helps me thaw our pipes when they freeze in the winter.
Mom and Ruth visit as often as possible. Our kids destroy the log cabin as they play, while the three of us talk and pour wine, savoring the sacred moments we have together these days. But even living apart, we’re pillars in each other’s lives. I couldn’t make it without them. Mom still catches me when I fall, when I can’t pay the gas bill or buy groceries. Ruth lets me vent about Rick, keeping my fleeting bursts of anger in her quiet heart without judgment.
It’ll always be the three of us, underneath it all, the tight knot of roots baring the weight of our tree.
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Also by Jessica Therrien
Children of the Gods
Oppression
Uprising
Redemption
Children of the Gods Box Set
Standalone
The Loneliest Whale
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
AN OBVIOUS THANK YOU to God for all his blessings and for my amazing family, husband and children who put up with the endless hours I spend at my computer.
This book could not have been written without my mother, Janet, and sister, Allison. Thank you both for sharing pieces of your lives with me and the world. I love you both so so so much. And thank you to my dad, who is a quietly loving father and nurturing grandfather. I love you too, Dad!
Thank you to my amazingly well-read mother-in-law, Mary Jane, for such great feedback and for helping me shape the first chapter. Your love and encouragement means more than you know. And thank you to my father-in-law, Ron, for constantly being my sounding board and giver of advise.
And to my grandparents, who love the deepest of any two souls I’ve ever known, thank you for being such wonderful role models in life.
A thousand thank yous to my writerly soul-mate, business partner, editor and friend, Holly Kammier. I would be lost without you.
Thank you to Christa Yelich-Koth and Kat Ross for reading before anyone else and for being the best two writer friends a girl could ask for.
A huge thank you to everyone in my life who inspired pieces of this story. Friends, you know who you are.
Lastly, thank you to everyone who reads and enjoys my books. To the amazing fans of my Children of the Gods series, you are THE BEST!
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
JESSICA THERRIEN spent most of her life in the small town of Chilcoot, California, high up in the Sierra Nevada Mountains. In this town of nearly 100 residents, with no streetlights or grocery stores, there was little to do but find ways to be creative. Her mother, the local English teacher, inspired her to do all things artistic, and ultimately instilled in her a love for language. Jessica currently lives in Southern California with her husband and their two children.
You can visit her online at
www.jessicatherrienbooks.com
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