Then the goblin girl crawls to the middle of the bed and spreads her legs for me, rubbing her fingers inside of the deep green folds between her legs.
“Itaa Itaa,” she says.
I’m not sure why she says that.
“Itaa!” she says, almost annoyed that I haven’t already acted upon her command. “Itaa Itaa, Halfman!”
Then I realize what she’s trying to say. Itaa is the goblin word for attack. She is trying to say attack Itaa. Itaa is probably an odd name even for a goblin. Her last name, Tohiish, means dangerous. So this means her name translates to: Attack! Dangerous!
The word itaa usually means to attack an opponent, but it might also be a goblin slang word for fuck. I believe she is saying fuck Itaa.
“Itaa Itaa!” she says to me, lifting her vagina in my direction and pointing at her crotch. “Fuck Itaa, Halfman!”
Well, she just said fuck, so maybe itaa isn’t slang for fuck. Maybe she really did want me to attack her. With my penis? Not sure.
When we have sex, it is strange to me. Not because having sex with a goblin is weird, but because it actually feels right to me. It seems more natural than any other humanoid I’ve ever slept with. Perhaps it is her small size. But, no, I’ve had sex with gnomes before which are about the same height. This feels more natural than sex with any gnome. Her teeth are like needles against my tongue and her yellow eyes glow wide-open at me as she slides me in and out of her.
I believe she seduced me for a reason. She didn’t want to reward me with sex for setting her free, she wanted to sleep with me so that I would protect her from my companions. She knows that they are likely to kill her once her usefulness has been used up. I bet she wants to fuck me as a means of persuasion, so that I won’t let anything bad happen to her until we part ways. This kind of trickery is common among goblins, and using sex as a means of preservation is a common practice among goblin females.
But even though she likely had an agenda when we first started engaging in sexual intercourse, I believe she might view things differently now. We have a powerful connection. There’s this energy that I feel between us. We aren’t just fucking, we are making love. I believe it is the first time I have ever made love since the day my player created me. It is new and . . . special. It is much better than the sex I’ve had before.
We moan loudly until we orgasm together. Then we curl up against one another, feeling each other’s breaths against our bodies. I can feel Itaa almost purring against me, or maybe it is snoring. Whatever it is, it is very soothing.
Itaa wipes the saliva on her lips off onto my chest and stares into my eyes with her big yellow orbs.
“Itaa falling in like with Halfman,” she says.
Then she rubs her hand up and down my body. The skin of her palm is smooth against my thigh, almost like the flesh of an amphibian. I wonder if falling in like is kind of like a precursor to falling in love.
“Halfman protect Itaa?” she asks.
Then I realize I was right, it was all just a trick for me to help her. She’s just seduced me in order to use me. I sigh and nod my head.
“Halfman nice to Itaa,” she says. “Itaa stay with Halfman.”
Then she gives me a firm hug that I can swear has genuine emotion behind it, but there surely is not. She hops out of the bed and points her little green butt in my direction as she wiggles into her leather armor.
She actually does look cute in her leather armor. Not exactly as sexy as the armor was intended, but definitely cute. When she looks back at me lying in her bed, she gives me a big dumb smile. I can swear that I see a blissful glow emanating from her yellow eyes, the kind that you’d only get after sharing a passionate moment with the person you love. She has to be a brilliant actress.
1: Hallway
When we leave Itaa’s room, we hear the owlbear roaring and squawking in area 3, its chains clinking against the floor.
The goblin girl says, “Itaa moan too loud. Bearowl wake up.”
Then she giggles and hugs my arm close to her chest.
“Follow Itaa,” she says, smiling and poking at me. “Sex take too long. Boobelf might be mad.”
Then she leads me through the door to a stairwell. We hurry up the stairs back to the ground floor.
15: Library
I realize Itaa is still hugging my arm when we reach the top of the stairs and enter an old library. The books all seem to have been left here from the days when the keep was used by Lord Tennant, but now most of the books have withered from mildew and rot.
Itaa presses against me a little too tightly, caressing my back. I don’t know what the others are going to think when they see us together. It would be embarrassing if they figure out that we just had sex. It would be even more embarrassing if they knew I might possibly be developing some feelings for the weird little green girl.
I pause for a moment and wonder what the hell is going on with my player and Dungeon Master. They have just roleplayed an oddly emotional sex scene between myself and the goblin girl. It is one thing for them to roleplay sex scenes in an attempt to be funny (like the bugbear butt-fucking the orc) or roleplay sex in order to vent some sexual frustration (like my threeway with the elf girls). But roleplaying a passionate sex scene? That is just strange.
Back in the real world, I can tell Mark thought it was pretty weird as well. Aaron is moving on with the game, as if it were not awkward and strange that he was pretending to be the goblin girl while making love to his friend’s character. Mark tries to just move on with the game, but I can tell he is feeling uncomfortable. Mark always feels uncomfortable around Aaron.
At school, Mark doesn’t hang out with his Dungeons and Dragons friends. In fact, he is ashamed of his friends and will never admit to anyone else that he plays D&D. Mark is a shy kid. He doesn’t make friends very easily. He is usually intimidated by other people because of his size. Short, thin, and baby-faced, he is often mistaken as a child who skipped several grades rather than a teenager with stunted growth.
The only reason Mark ever became friends with Buzz and Aaron was because they were the only people to offer him their friendship. They saw him as one of them, an outsider. However, Mark is a different kind of outsider. He sees himself as more of a goth or a metal kid, even if he doesn’t hang out with the goth/metal kids. He would do anything to break his friendship with them and join a different group of friends.
Lately, Mark has been smoking clove cigarettes under the bleachers with a kid he talks to in math class. This kid, Chris, is a year older than him and listens to the same bands. They don’t talk outside of school, just during math class and when they smoke cloves. Mark would really like to hang out with Chris more and perhaps become a part of his crowd, but Chris hangs out with seniors, several of which have made fun of Mark in the past due to his size. He doesn’t think they would ever let him into their clique. He is too timid to even try.
Whereas Mark is very concerned about his social standing in his school, Aaron Donnelly doesn’t care what anybody thinks of him. Aaron is the fattest kid in school. He is so large that he has to use a wheelchair to get around. Aaron’s parents got him the wheelchair after he had a heart attack last year, the first kid to ever have a heart attack in their junior high school (let alone the high school). He had it during PE class, when the militaristic PE coach forced him to run the mile in the hot Arizona heat.
Known as the least desirable male in the school, not only due to his horrible acne, thick glasses, grotesque weight, and wheelchair, but also due to his Dungeons and Dragons obsession. In school, Aaron wears a wizard hat and elf ears everywhere he goes, and has a long blue cape with silver glitter that he calls his Cloak of Displacement. Not only that, but he custom designed his wheelchair (with construction paper) to look like a mighty warhorse, with painted cardboard legs dangling from the armrests in front of the wheels, and a tail on the back of his seat. Above the tail on the back of the chair is a picture of a flaming 20-sided die with swords crossed beneath it, kind o
f like a skull and bones pirate flag.
Since Todd and Buzz have different lunch hours as the two of them, Aaron always wants to hang out with Mark. Every day, Mark tries to ditch him. He doesn’t want anybody to know they are friends and if anybody ever asks he always denies it. Mark always brings his lunch from home so that he doesn’t have to eat in the cafeteria. Immediately after 5th period, he hides behind the music building and eats his lunch, hoping that Aaron doesn’t find him back there.
Aaron has no idea that Mark is embarrassed by him, nor does he realize that Mark tries to avoid him at lunchtime. Even when Mark runs in the opposite direction when they see each other, Aaron just assumes Mark hasn’t seen him yet. Mark walks as fast as he can in the other direction, with Aaron speeding after him in his wheelchair, his Cloak of Displacement flapping in the wind.
These are the most embarrassing times for Mark. Aaron chases him through the hallway, not able to take a hint, yelling, “Dragonblade! Come forth!”
Dragonblade is Aaron’s nickname for Mark. He gave him this name because he once played a character, long before I was created, called Lance Dragonblade. The character died at level 22, but the nickname stuck.
Mark’s face cringes every time he hears Aaron’s voice screaming “Dragonblade!” from down the hall. The sound of the wheelchair whirring across carpet toward him is the sound of impending doom.
Aaron always yells something like, “Dragonblade! I cast Hold Person upon thee! Freeze in thy tracks and await your wizard friend!” Then he holds up two cans of Dr. Pepper. “I bought a Potion of Healing for you! Why can’t you hear me, you little quickling?”
Everyone in the school always stares at Mark whenever this happens. Although he is too embarrassed to look anyone in the eyes, he swears they are all laughing at him. Sometimes he hates Aaron with every bone in his body. Even more than that, he hates himself for becoming such a nerd.
17: Olffgel’s Room
This room belongs to the gnome wizard Olffgel Zookwar, who works with the Gnoll King. Olffgel offers his magical services to the king in exchange for protection, supplies, a place to live, and a laboratory. This room is vacant at the moment. Itaa tells me the wizard is usually in his underground laboratory. He only comes out to sleep or when called upon by the Gnoll King. Itaa has had to serve him food in the laboratory many times in the past, which she says she always hated doing because of the unpleasant nature of the gnome wizard.
“Itaa hate dirty old gnome,” she says.
We open the Wizard Locked door and find Loxi, Juzii, and Delvok sitting in the hall, bored out of their minds.
“Finally!” Juzii says.
“What took you so long?” Loxi asks. “Were you two fucking or something?”
Then she laughs, like she had just said a cruel joke at my expense. At first I thought she said it because she could tell that we did actually just have sex, but then I realize she was just teasing and doesn’t have a clue. She might think the idea of the goblin girl and I having sex is completely absurd.
As they enter the room, I see somebody else coming down the hall toward us. The person waves his arm. The others turn around to see who it is.
“It is I,” he says. “The Dwaaaaarf Looooord! The slayer of gnolls!”
All of our jaws go slack.
“You’re still alive?” I ask.
He enters the room and we close the door behind him.
“Aye!” he says. “I killed every last gnoll with my berserker rage! And then I ran into a party of filthy gnomes and axed them down too!”
“You killed the gnomes?” I yell. “They were just women and children! We planned to rescue them!”
“The little buggers got in me way!” Dwarfy says.
Then the dwarf moves on past us toward the library. Luckly, he didn’t notice the goblin girl hiding behind me, or else he would have tried to cut her head off.
“What are yea waiting for, you cowards!” he says, as he leaves the room. “Let us continue on to battle!”
I turn to Delvok. “How the heck did he survive that battle? Last we saw of him, he had only one hit point left.”
Delvok looks to me. “It is highly improbable, but he must have killed the rest of the gnolls without losing any more hit points. All of the gnolls’ attack rolls must have failed.”
“But he has an armor class of 8 and they have a hit dice of 2,” I say. “Rolling anything higher than a 10 would beat him. How can so many gnoll attacks roll so low against one dwarf?”
“He did use berserker rage,” Delvok says. “It is improbable, but not impossible, that he would survive.”
I shake my head, assuming that the Dungeon Master went easy on his brother’s character to keep him in the game longer. We follow the others back into the library.
15: Library
In the library, Juzii is searching through the books for anything useful. Most of the books are very old and the pages crumble in her hands.
“Anything valuable?” Loxi asks her elf friend.
Juzii shakes her head for a second, and then her eyes light up. “Wait a minute!”
She pulls a scroll from the shelf and examines it.
“What’s that?” Loxi asks.
“Nice,” Juzii says. “A scroll of Detect Invisibility. This might come in handy.”
She puts it in her bag.
“Kind of a boring treasure,” Loxi says.
“You never know,” Juzii says. “We might need it. If not I bet we could sell it at a decent price.”
“I guess . . .” Loxi says.
Juzii sticks her tongue out as we descend the stairs into the dungeon levels.
1: Hallway
The Dwarf Lord swings his axe around as we enter the hall. He attacks an unlit torch on one of the walls until it is just pieces on the floor.
“It is good we have The Dwarf Lord with us again,” Delvok says.
I was thinking just the opposite.
“He is the most powerful warrior of our party,” Delvok says. “We wouldn’t go very far without him.”
“Yeah, but he has only one hit point left,” I say. “He might not last much longer.”
Delvok nods. “We must find a way to heal him as soon as possible, before he gets himself killed.”
3: Owlbear Den
When The Dwarf Lord sees the owlbear chained to the wall in the chamber, he raises his axe and charges straight for the creature.
He lets out his battlecry, “Prepare to taste the steel of the—”
The owlbear bites his head off.
The dwarf’s headless body falls to the ground. We all stare blankly as the owlbear tears meat from his corpse.
“That was kind of stupid,” I say.
“I believe we should have convinced him to avoid fighting until after we found him some health,” Delvok says.
“Yeah,” I say, watching the owlbear tear into our ex-companion’s stomach with its large beak.
In the real world, Todd leaves Aaron’s room and heads off for bed, almost as if he got himself killed on purpose because he was bored with the game. Mark is happy to see him go, but I can tell that Aaron preferred having his brother around. Dungeons and Dragons is just more fun with four players.
5: Corridor
We return to the corridor where Itaa and I first arrived in the dungeon. Itaa shows us how to get through the secret door and leads us into the rest of the dungeon area.
We come to a crossroads, with passages leading in four directions.
“Which way should we go?” Juzii asks.
“Stairs to lower dungeon,” Itaa says, pointing north.
“We don’t want to go down there yet,” Loxi says. “We want to explore the area first. Find some valuables.”
Itaa nods.
We decide to take the south passage. As we descend some stairs, I hear footsteps behind us.
“Does anyone hear that?” I ask.
Everyone stops and listens. They don’t hear anything. We continue moving. I hear more
footsteps, like there are a dozen of us rather than just five.
We stop again.
“I heard it too that time,” Juzii says.
Loxi shakes her head. “It’s just the echo.”
We continue on, and stop again, the footsteps seem to be out of sync with ours. We move more quickly until we get to a door.
“I think you might be right,” Loxi says. “Let’s get out of here.”
11: Deserted Chamber
We run inside of a vacant room. Loxi tries to close the door behind her, but it won’t shut, as if the door is jammed open. After using all of her strength, the door slams shut.
“What the hell was that?” Loxi says, out of breath.
She leans against the wall and continues to breathe hard from using all her energy to close the door. Her breath echoes through the room, sounding as if several people are breathing heavy all at the same time.
“Wait a minute . . .” I say, listening carefully to the heavy breathing.
“What?” Loxi says.
When she spoke, the heavy breathing didn’t stop with her.
“Be quiet,” I say. “Listen.”
We listen carefully, not making a noise, but we hear sounds all around us. Breathing sounds, smacking sounds, whimpering sounds.
“We’re not alone in here,” Juzii says.
Loxi gets up and draws her sword. “Fuck.”
I turn to Juzii. “Use your scroll.”
“Detect Invisibility?” she asks. “You think there’s something invisible in here?”
“Yeah,” I say.
“But I just got this scroll,” she says. “I don’t want to use it yet.”
“Just do it,” Loxi says.
Juzii shakes her head as she unrolls the parchment. “Fine.”
She reads the incantation on the scroll and the spell goes into effect. Slowly, seven figures come into view as their invisibility becomes detected. We point our weapons at them, prepared for battle.
The Kobold Wizard's Dildo of Enlightenment +2 Page 6
