The paladins look at each other, shrug, and turn away. They won’t stand up for anyone of chaotic evil alignment and prefer not to even be in the same room with them.
“Then you should bring them to trial for their crimes,” says the paladin.
“Yes, yes of course,” the kobold says, nodding his head rapidly. “That is exactly what we plan to do.”
“Good,” says the paladin.
Then he turns to the other paladins and they nod their heads. They decide to leave the job of bringing these chaotic evil humans to justice in our hands, then they depart. The sound of clanking metal armor can be heard echoing through the crystal walls as they leave the room.
“Now,” Glimworm says, turning back to Aaron, “I think we will bring you to trial. However, we will have to be your jury and your executioners.” He turns to our group. “So, who thinks these boys deserve to be put to death for their crimes?”
“I do,” Loxi says.
Of course, the assassin would want them dead.
“No, please!” Buzz cries. “Don’t kill us!”
“It’s not our fault!” Aaron says.
Glimworm nods at Loxi and says, “And I do, too, of course. They should die.”
He turns to Delvok and asks for his vote.
“No, Delvok!” Buzz cries. “I created you. You can’t kill me. It wouldn’t be logical!”
Delvok sneers when he hears the word logical. He gives his player a dirty look, like he wants to cut his heart out or beat him senseless. But then he tosses his sword on the ground. The sound of metal against the glass floor rings in our ears.
“I will not kill them,” he says.
“Thank you!” Buzz cries. “I knew you were on my side!”
Glimworm’s face fills with disgust. “What?”
“They are kids,” he says.
“But they are monsters,” says the kobold. “The biggest monsters our world has ever known. They deserve to die.”
“I apologize,” Delvok says, raising his hands. “But I cannot vote to kill them.”
“Fine,” Glimworm says, then he looks at me. “What about you?”
“No,” I say, looking at Mark Meador as he stands paralyzed in his shoes. “I think we should just let them go. I think forcing them to live the rest of their lives in this crappy world they created is punishment enough.”
“Damn!” Glimworm says, kicking the ground.
The players begin to relax.
“The goblin gets the final vote,” Loxi says. “It’s up to her.”
We all look at Itaa. She is staring down the players and growling fiercely, her dagger in one hand, bow in the other.
“Who here speaks goblin?” Glimworm says. “Because I don’t.”
He looks at Loxi, but she shakes her head.
“I speak goblin,” I say.
“Ask for her vote then,” Glimworm says.
I nod.
“Itaa,” I call to her.
She continues staring down the players, growling.
I say in goblinese, “Itaa, we are trying to take a vote to decide if we should kill them or let them live. I think you should vote to let them live. That’s what I did.”
“No,” Itaa says.
She doesn’t look at me, just growls at them.
“No?” I ask.
She says, “Itaa want kill three. Itaa eat three livers.”
“Are you sure?” I ask. “They are just kids.”
She points at Aaron. “Itaa start with Fatwheeler.”
“What did she say?” Glimworm asks.
“She votes that they should live,” I say.
Loxi rolls her eyes. “Bull. Shit.”
“That’s what she said,” I say.
“Look at her,” Loxi says. She points at Itaa to prove her point. The goblin is growling fiercely, ready to rip out their guts. “There’s no way she said she wants to let them go.”
“That’s what she said,” I say.
Glimworm shakes his head. “We can’t trust the interpreter. We’re going to have to translate the goblin’s vote properly.”
Loxi sighs and steps back. “I can’t believe this shit. Let’s just kill them and get it over with.”
“Not a problem,” Glimworm says to Loxi. “I have a scroll of Read Languages. We just need her to write out her vote and then it will be decided.”
“Fine,” she says.
As the kobold digs through his belongings, I step closer to Mark Meador.
“I’m sorry,” I tell him, quietly. “I don’t know if I can get you out of this.”
Mark steps forward.
“It’s really you, isn’t it?” he says. “You’re just as I imagined you to be.”
I nod. “Well, you’re just as I imagined you, too.”
“Polo Pipefingers,” he says. “In the flesh. This is all so insane.”
I agree with him.
“So what was it like?” he asks, opening up to me. “What was it like having sex with all those elf girls?”
I shrug at him. “Not bad, I guess.” But I don’t tell him that it’s sometimes annoying.
“You’re so lucky,” he says.
“It’s not like I had a choice,” I say.
“Oh yeah, sorry about that.” He pauses and looks at his feet. “You know, if I ever would have known you were, you know . . . real, I never would have put you through all of those things.”
“Yeah,” I say. “I’m sure you wouldn’t have.”
“You’re not going to let them kill me, are you?” he asks.
I look at the others. All of them but Delvok are thirsty for blood.
“I’ll try my best,” I say.
“Thank you,” he says. “I think it would actually be really cool to explore this world. Maybe we could even go on quests together, me and you?”
“That would be weird,” I say. “Questing with my player.”
“And maybe we could have sex with some elf women!” he says, getting a little too excited all of a sudden.
“I don’t know about that,” I say. “I think I’m going to avoid elf sex for a while.”
We laugh a little.
“No problem,” he says. “But it would be cool if we could be friends.”
I say, “Friends would be fine by me.”
I hold out my hand and he shakes it.
“Yeah,” he says, not letting go of my hand. “Best friends.”
Then Itaa jumps on his back, wraps her arms around his shoulders, and screams into his ear.
“Itaa!” I yell at her.
Before Mark knows what’s going on, the goblin cuts his throat with her dagger and blood sprays into my face. His four hit points bleed quickly out of him and his lifeless body falls to the floor.
“No!” I cry.
Itaa hops onto his dead chest and shouts, “Gothnerd deserve death for pain to Halfman. Itaa kill for Halfman!”
“I didn’t want that,” I say to her.
When they see their friend dead on the floor, Buzz and Aaron panic. Buzz drops to the ground and grabs the long sword Delvok tossed away, then he slashes at Loxi with it.
“The fuck!” she says, as the sword whips past her mohawk.
Then she stabs her broadsword through his stomach and he collapses into her giant elf boobs, covering her naked torso with his blood.
Aaron spins his wheelchair around and speeds away in the opposite direction, screaming at the top of his lungs, his cloak flapping behind him. Buzz still has one hit point left. He pulls himself off of Loxi’s sword and out of her cleavage, then runs after Aaron, staggering as fast as he can while the blood pours down his legs.
“Don’t let them get away,” Glimworm cries.
The teenagers run to the south side of the room. They are doomed. There’s nowhere out that way. Delvok and I stay back with Glimworm, but Itaa and Loxi chase after them. They are far behind them, but it doesn’t matter. They’ll catch up to them once they reach the dead end.
But on the other
side of the room, Aaron immediately finds a secret door. Of course he would know where that was. He created this dungeon. He knows where everything is.
“You can’t escape!” Glimworm yells.
The kobold wizard casts Fireball at them and the southern side of the room goes up in flames. Itaa and Loxi fall backward, dodging the explosion, but Buzz isn’t so lucky. The Trekkie kid is swallowed by the fireball, burning away his last hit point.
Aaron, on the other hand, makes it through the secret door just in time. He speeds on his wheelchair through the corridor, laughing hysterically in triumph, as a wall of flames follows close behind him.
When the fire clears, we find Buzz Jepson’s blackened corpse in the middle of the room. However, we also find the blackened corpses of seven naked wizards. They must have been invisible in this room the whole time, masturbating to Loxi’s boobs, and were accidentally burned down by the Fireball spell.
“The Dungeon Master escaped,” Glimworm says, moving toward the exit. “Let’s get him.”
Loxi and Itaa rush after him through the secret door.
I look at Delvok and then we look down at our dead players. We sigh at each other. It’s strange to know that our gods, our creators, have just died in front of us. I’m glad that my destiny is in my own hands now, but their deaths just don’t sit well with me. What bothers me most is that I’m kind of happy to see them dead. It also bothers me that I thought it was really cute how Itaa cut my player’s throat like that. What the hell’s wrong with me?
“We should follow the others,” Delvok says.
I agree and we run toward the secret door.
30: Entry to the Catacombs
When we enter this room, we see the others looking around. There’s no sign of Aaron. He’s disappeared into the catacombs.
“Which way?” Loxi says.
There are three different directions.
“We should split up,” Glimworm says.
Itaa is pacing back and forth stabbing the air with her dagger, chanting, “Kill Fatwheeler! Kill Fatwheeler!”
Then they hear Aaron’s wheelchair echoing through the cavern to the east. We can also hear maniacal laughter.
“That way!” Glimworm says.
And we run toward the sound of his snorts and giggles.
37: Tomb of the Dead
Aaron is in his wheelchair on the other side of this room. He isn’t running away, he’s facing us, laughing madly at us.
“You can’t kill me!” he screams. “I’m the Dungeon Master!”
Loxi runs toward him.
“Don’t try it!” Aaron shouts at her. For some reason, that makes her stop. “I’m still in control here!”
Then he pulls out a tray from his arm rest and reaches into his pocket. He pulls out his special set of dice, the gold-plated set that cost him nearly $200 at Dragon*Con.
“I summon skeletons!” he says.
Then he rolls all of his dice at once on the tray of his wheelchair.
“This many!” he says.
He pulls out a notebook as he counts the total number from the dice. He writes down the number and says, “76 of them!”
I lean toward Glimworm and ask, “Does he still have his Dungeon Master abilities?”
Aaron looks around the room, waiting for the skeletons to appear.
“No,” Glimworm says, shaking his head. “He just thinks he does.”
“Take that you weaklings!” he cries, then he turns around and speeds off on his wheelchair to the next room, laughing at the top of his lungs.
“The little shit’s gone mental,” Loxi says.
We go after him.
38: Crypt
As we enter this room, we hear Aaron’s voice but we don’t see him.
His voice says, “You enter a dark, damp crypt. There are eight coffins lined into two rows in the center of the room. You hear the sounds of rats squeaking and gnawing on human remains. What do you do?”
We walk into the room, examining the coffins, searching for the kid. I rub against one of the coffins as I pass it.
We hear the sound of dice rolling.
“Oh no!” Aaron says. “Polo Pipefingers springs a trap!” We hear more dice rolling. “He failed his dexterity roll!” Then he rolls again. “It causes 13 points of damage!”
No trap was really sprung. No hit points were actually lost. We hear his laughter and the sound of his electric wheelchair as he zooms toward next area.
39: Abandoned Tunnel
The ground is beginning to get rougher here and so Aaron’s wheelchair isn’t moving as fast as it was. He laughs with his head all the way back.
Itaa runs toward him with her dagger. She’s able to catch up to him on the rough terrain.
“You can’t hit me,” Aaron tells the goblin, “for I have a Cloak of Displacement!”
He puts the hood of his cloak over his head, and then wiggles his body around as if he is displaced.
“Does it work?” Loxi asks.
“No,” I say. “It’s not really a Cloak of Displacement. It’s just a blue bed sheet with silver glitter glued along the edges.”
Itaa swings at the Dungeon Master with her dagger. As she attacks him, Aaron continues wiggling and rolls the 20-sided dice.
“Your attack roll failed!” he says.
By coincidence, she did actually miss him, hitting the seat of his wheelchair instead.
He turns his wheelchair around and flees. Itaa chases after him and stabs at his chair with her dagger. Every time she attacks, Aaron rolls his dice. She misses every time.
“Ha!” he cries. “You can’t touch me while I’m wearing my cloak!”
Then she stabs him in the arm with the dagger.
“Ow!” he cries.
He speeds away to the next area, the dagger still sticking out of his arm.
40: Dragon’s Den
When we arrive in this room, Aaron’s wheelchair is stuck in the mud. The wheels are spinning, but he’s not getting anywhere. He’s still chuckling like mad.
We watch as a huge red dragon (AC -5, HD 20, hp 396, #Att 3, DMG 4d8+8/1d12+2) enters from the south. This dragon is one of Aaron’s creations, so it has a giant 30’ long fire-breathing boner that takes up half the room.
The rest of us hide in the entryway of the cavern from a safe distance. The dragon is the most powerful creature I have ever seen. It has no business being in an adventure for levels 2-5, yet here it is. Only the most cruel or inept of Dungeon Masters would throw a creature of this strength at such low level characters.
The dragon roars as it stomps toward Aaron. It points his massive boner at the crippled kid. The penis is dark red with thick veins popping out of its sides. Where the pee hole would be there is a giant mouth. The penis roars and then ejaculates a cloud of flames at the ceiling.
Aaron laughs at the dragon.
“Oh yeah,” he says. “Well, I cast Meteor Swarm!”
He rolls his dice.
“That’s 128 points of damage!” he tells the dragon.
The dragon points its giant penis at him. The colossal member looms above him, blocking out the light.
“Now I hit you with my Elven Long Sword +135,” he tells the dragon.
He rolls the dice. Then he pretends he’s cutting through the dragon with a sword. He even makes his own sound effects for it.
The giant penis opens its mouth to reveal a cavern of fang-like teeth.
Aaron rolls for damage.
“You’ve lost another 200 hit points!” he says, cackling at the top of his lungs. “You got pwned, bitch!”
But when he looks up at the dick and peers into its great jaws, his laughter stops. He goes silent, staring into the deep shaft, shifting uncomfortably in his chair.
As the mouth widens around him, he picks up his dice and rolls them again. Then he rolls them again. Then again. But he doesn’t look down to see the results of the rolls.
We watch from safety as the red dragon’s penis eats the Dungeon Master whole,
wheelchair and all. We can hear the kid screaming inside as the dick chews him up. Then there is silence. The penis spits out the mangled wheelchair. It flies across the room, smashing against the wall next to us. Then the penis swallows Aaron’s pulverized remains down its bulgy red shaft toward the dragon’s secondary stomach: its nutsack.
Before we share the same fate as our poor pathetic DM, we decide to get the fuck out as soon as possible.
39: Abandoned Tunnel
“Killed by his own retarded, perverted imagination,” Loxi says, as we walk lethargically through the tunnel. “A suitable death for him, don’t you think?”
“I don’t know,” I say. “I kind of feel bad for him. He was just a kid after all.”
“But he was a total dork!” Loxi says.
I shrug my shoulders.
“Kids die every day,” Glimworm says. “In our world and in theirs. But this kid’s death will benefit everyone in our world, forever.”
“So how does this work?” I say. “If the Dungeon Master created our world how will it exist without him?”
“He just gave birth to our world,” Glimworm says. “A child lives on when its mother dies, so will our world.”
“But what about the parts of our world that the Dungeon Master has yet to create? Will those parts never exist? If we go to areas of the map that were not imagined by our DM will they just be a landscape of blank graph paper?”
“I don’t think so,” Glimworm says. “When a mother gives birth to a child the child continues to grow on its own without the help of the mother. Perhaps the mother still serves as guidance throughout the child’s development but without her the child can still grow by itself. As we speak, I bet our world is growing and expanding all on its own.”
“I hope you’re right,” I say. “If the only towns and characters to ever exist in our world are those that the DM invented on the few quests we’ve done then it would be a very small world to live within.”
“That will not be the case,” he says. “The Dungeon Master just planted the seed. It will grow into a vast universe. Perhaps it already has.”
The Kobold Wizard's Dildo of Enlightenment +2 Page 12
