He made it past nurses and aids, almost to the bathroom door at the end of the hall before stumbling. Another benefit of my invasion of his personal space was that I blocked their view as I steadied him with a hand on his shoulder and shoved him through the door.
Recovering quickly, Kiernan scurried into the first stall to change his clothes before Mom changed her mind.
“So . . .” I couldn’t see him, but that didn’t mean I was done keeping an eye on him. Or at the very least, an ear. “What happened?”
“I don’t know.” One foot disappeared from beneath the stall door and I heard a bang as he hopped around. “I was at this writing workshop with Jade and—”
The foot reappeared and all movement stopped inside the stall. “Shit . . . Jade.”
I was wondering how long it would take him to connect-the-dots. “Yeah.”
Silence permeated the cold room, broken only by the continued sounds of Kiernan struggling to dress in confined quarters.
The door swung inward and Kiernan’s pale face stared at me through his reflection in the mirror. “Please tell me she wasn’t in the ambulance, at least.”
My silence was all the answer he needed.
Kiernan groaned and shoved the gown into the trash bin beside the sinks. “Is she okay?”
“She’ll be alright. She was scared, but what do you expect?”
Guilt blanketed the room. “You told her, didn’t you?”
“I had to.”
Bracing himself against the cold porcelain of the sink, Kiernan shut his eyes and let his head fall forward. “Did I break her heart? Am I the biggest jerk on the planet?”
“No. You’re a scared kid, dealing with a lot of really serious shit, and having to make some really tough decisions.”
“But I made all the wrong ones. I should have told her. I should have listened to you. It should have been me. You kept telling me to tell her, I just . . . I just kept thinking I had more time, ya know? One more day?” His tone flooded with resignation. “But I didn’t. And I put it on you, instead. I know you didn’t want to be the one to hurt her. I’m sorry.”
“What’s done is done, Kiernan. You can Monday morning quarterback it all you want. It’s not going to change a thing. What matters is that she knows, now. And she’s still sitting out there, waiting to see you. She’s still here, Kier.”
Straightening, he flipped on the faucet and washed his hands. “Do you think they’ll let her in to see me?”
“Technically, it’s family only. But you know Mom. They’ll let Jade in.”
He nodded absently as he balled the paper towel and tossed it in the trash. “I need to talk to her. I need to explain. And apologize. And . . .”
“I don’t think any of that is neces—”
“What if it’s too much for her?” True fear—the kind I’d only seen from Kiernan a handful of times throughout all of this—flashed in his eyes. “She’s dealing with so much, Cal. You have no idea.”
I thought I had a pretty good idea, actually, but I kept my mouth shut.
“It’s like all of this stuff has been weighing on her for years—her whole life—causing tiny stress fractures all the way down to her foundation. What if this is the final blow that brings it all crumbling down? What if I end up destroying her?”
“Take a breath, bro.” Nausea rolled over me as he put voice to my deepest fears, but I wouldn’t let him see that. Kiernan was practically panting with anxiety. If I brought him back to that room stressed out and worked up, they’d never let him leave that bed again. “I think you’re giving yourself too much credit. And Jade, too little. She’s stronger than you think. Jade’s a tough girl. She’ll get through this.”
“I know.” I was glad to see him take a calming breath and release it slowly. “I know she is. I just . . . I wanted to be the one to help her. Why can’t I be the one to help her hold it all together?”
“You can. Kiernan, just because she knows the truth doesn’t mean anything has to change. She still needs you. A blind man could see how much you mean to her. You love her. She loves you. Don’t waste that. And don’t waste time. It’s too precious.”
Kiernan nodded. “You’re right.”
“I usually am.” A self-amused smirk curled my lips.
I know Kiernan heard me because he shook his head at me, but he continued as though I hadn’t spoken. “Can you get her? Send her in?”
“I can. But you’d better get your butt back in that bed before Mom needs to be admitted.”
Kiernan tried and failed to hide a yawn behind a smile. “Don’t worry. If we’re the cause of Mom getting admitted, it won’t be to the emergency room. It’ll be the psych ward.”
***
For the longest time, I stood there watching her. Jade looked exhausted, slumped sideways in her seat as though gravity itself had grown too strong a force for her to resist. The weight of the truth weighing her down. Grounding her into the dirt. It had been a long, emotional day for us all. She was fading fast, and she hadn’t even faced the hardest part of it, yet.
“Hey.” I slid into the chair beside her, carefully searching her face for signs of shock. I never should have left her alone out there. Her eyes were damp, but clear and alert. Leftover tears lingered on her cheeks, but otherwise her skin was dry. Not cold or clammy. And her breathing appeared to be even. “He wants to see you. Are you going to be alright?”
“I’ll hold it together.” The transformation was practically instantaneous. The shields slamming into place. Her tumultuous gaze locking down and staring back at me with an almost deadly calm. The strong perfume of sadness that hung heavy in the air around her only moments earlier dissipated until barely a whiff remained.
“I know. I’m not worried about that.” Her shields were impenetrable. It was what was happening behind those shields that concerned me. “I’m worried about you.”
“I’ll be fine.” She didn’t look any more convinced of that statement than I was.
“I told him that you know. He wasn’t thrilled that I was the one to tell you, but he understands why I had to. He’s really sorry that he didn’t tell you sooner.”
“I’m not mad at him, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
“I already told you what I’m worried about.”
“And I told you, I’m fine. What room is he in?” She may have come across as snippy to anyone else, but I knew what the problem was. Beyond the obvious stress she was under, Jade wasn’t used to having anyone worry about her. She didn’t know how to react to it.
She practically vibrated with nervous energy the whole way down the hall. And when Mom emerged and pulled her into a hug, it was clear she wasn’t used to that, either.
Mom was in tears. Jade’s eyes were misting over. I needed to separate them before we ended up with a mess on our hands. “Alright, enough, Mom. You don’t want to turn her into a blubbering mess before she even gets through the door.”
I wrapped an arm around Mom’s shoulders, easing her away from Jade. “Let’s give them some time. Go ahead.”
Jade reached for the doorknob, but all of that nervous energy had abandoned her. She looked unsure of herself and more than a little frightened. Understandable. The last she’d seen Kiernan, he’d been unconscious in the back of an ambulance. She had no idea what waited on the other side of that door.
Mom headed back toward the waiting room as my hand closed over Jade’s shoulder. “It’s just Kiernan. And he just wants to see his girlfriend. You’ll be fine, remember?”
She nodded with a confidence I knew she couldn’t feel and reached again. This time she made the final leap across the threshold and I watched the door swing shut behind her.
Mom was plugging away on her phone when I caught up to her. Her yellow scrubs with the tiny blue moons, crumpled and unkempt. She’d been in the middle of a double shift when Kiernan was brought in. The tidy ponytail she always wore to work had come loose and hung in tangles around her shoulders from having her han
ds run through it so many times. Even her makeup had been wiped away along with her tears.
Sighing, she leaned against the waiting room wall and shut her eyes.
“Why don’t you go home, Mom? You look tired.”
“Gee, thanks, Cal.” Her smile was weak, but genuine.
“You know what I mean. It’s been a long day. The doctor already said Kiernan won’t be released until morning. You might as well get some rest until then.”
“What about you? Are you heading home now?” Mom reached for her purse and started fishing around inside.
“Figured I’d hang around here until Jade’s ready and drop her off at home on my way.”
“That’s very thoughtful of you.” Dangling her car keys, she zipped up the bag. “How late do you think you’ll be?”
“I don’t know. Visiting hours are almost over.”
“Mmhmm.” She nodded absently, her eyes glued to the door, behind which Kiernan was struggling to comfort Jade, while she struggled to do the same for him. “Alright, then. I’ll see you in a bit. And please tell Jade I said good night.”
“I will.” Watching Mom shuffle toward the exit, it struck me that she didn’t stand quite as tall as she used to.
***
The sun sank low, casting a bright orange glare through the oversized windows that made up the entire west wall of the Emergency Department. My ass was going numb in the hard, plastic chairs waiting for Jade. I knew they had a lot to talk about and that it would take time to sort through it all, but I was anxious to see the end result. To fast-forward and know that they would both be alright. The not knowing was causing some serious damage to my blood pressure.
The glare had diminished to little more than a glow on the horizon by the time she reemerged.
“Hey.” I stood and met her halfway. “How was it?”
“It was . . . better than I expected.” Her fingers twisted tightly in the dark hair falling over her shoulder. “He seems so . . . normal. Like nothing’s wrong.”
“Yeah. I know. It can be so easy to forget sometimes. But you can’t. You can’t let yourself forget. Otherwise, you have to deal with the remembering part. And that sucks.”
“Good point.” Her fingers broke free from the strands of dark silk strangling them and she immediately started in on her poor nails.
“Do you have a ride home?”
“Um . . .” What was left of her fingernails were saved when she ripped her hand away from her mouth and shoved it in her pocket. “I figured I’d just call a cab.” Her hand shifted around her pocket and she frowned. “Or walk. It’s not that far and—”
“It’s dark, Jade. You’re not walking home. And I’m sure as hell not letting you waste your money on a cab when I have a perfectly good car just sitting in the lot.”
She was crazy if she thought I was letting her walk in those sub-arctic temperatures. She wouldn’t have made it five feet. The icy wind chased leaves across the darkened lot, scattering paper products and flapping Jade’s jacket against her waist,
We drove in silence for a while. Not an awkward silence—where no one knows what to say, but everyone feels like they have to say something. A comfortable silence. The kind that brought out a sense of peace in me that I hadn’t felt all day. All year. Outside of the pool. Being with Jade was like being underwater in all of the good ways. And some of the bad. There was something about being around her that made it difficult to breathe, but it was a sacrifice I was willing to make.
“Caulder?” She’d been working up the courage to say whatever she had to say for most of the ride. Evidently, she’d found it. I only wished it hadn’t taken her so long.
I made her nervous. That had to change. “Cal.”
“What?”
“You can call me Cal.” Not many people did. Kiernan and our parents, that was about it. But I liked the idea of adding Jade’s name to that list.
“Oh . . . Cal?”
Yeah, I definitely liked it. “Hmm?”
“Can I ask you a dumb question?”
“Sure.” The light we’d been stopped at turned green and I rolled forward, wishing it had stayed red a little longer.
“What should I do tomorrow?” Jade frowned the moment she finished speaking and I could practically see the internal eye roll that wasn’t there. “I mean, I know Kiernan’s being released, and I’m assuming you’re taking him back home, and—”
“Stop.” Screw traffic lights. There wasn’t another car in sight and I could stop where I damn well pleased. Swerving onto the shoulder, I threw the car in park and twisted to get a better look at her chewing fiercely at that lip again. “That’s not a dumb question, Jade. It’s not easy to know what the right thing is in situations like these. You don’t want to overwhelm Kiernan, you don’t want to impose on family time. All that shows is that you care. You’re considerate and you have a good heart. There’s nothing dumb about that.”
I waited until she had a chance to process that. Her fingers unwound in her lap and she released her battered lip. Satisfied she’d heard me, I pulled back onto the road and continued toward her place.
It didn’t elude me that I’d failed to actually answer her question, but the truth was only she could answer that. And it was an answer that held more weight for me than I liked to admit.
Like a sissy, I waited until we were parked outside her building—where I could make a quick getaway—before giving it to her.
“I guess it comes down to what you want to do. Don’t worry about overwhelming Kiernan. He doesn’t have a lot of time left and he wants to spend every moment of it with the people he loves. That includes you. Mom and I have had a year to come to grips with this. I’m afraid you won’t have that much time. So the question is, what do you want to do with it?”
She didn’t even hesitate. “Spend it with Kiernan.”
And that was it. That was the moment I knew my prayers had been answered. I was right all along. She was the angel my brother needed her to be.
She was the angel we all needed.
Nine
The highway stretched out before me as far as my headlights could reach. Beyond that, the darkness seemed strangely inviting. The unknown, the unseen. The obscurity. I could disappear out there. Hide from everyone and everything. I could feel those dark thoughts creeping up on me, so I shut my brain down and functioned on auto-pilot.
After making sure Jade was safely inside her building, I’d had every intention of going home. But my wheels kept on turning and now I was miles from town. Windows cracked to let in fresh air. Heater cranked to fight of the chill. Radio blasting to drown out any and every thought. Hours ticked by. I had to stop for gas. I sang along with the classic rock station until my throat ached and my voice broke.
I needed a break and this was the only way I knew how to find one. The urge to toss my cell and never turn around was powerful. It would be so easy to run. Leave it all behind. Dad had done it.
But I wasn’t him. I wasn’t a coward. I was stronger than that. At least I hoped I was, because if I wasn’t, I’d die trying to be.
Pulling onto the shoulder, I snapped off the radio. The sudden silence pounded in my ears as thoughts slowly snaked their way back in. Reminders of what I couldn’t forget. I squared my shoulders as that weight I’d been trying to outrun settled back on them.
Break time over.
The house was dark when I parked in the drive. Not unexpected. Mom was home, but it was late. After eleven. I should have called her. She was probably worried by now. I could have at least—
Dry, gasping sobs reverberated through the darkened rooms, assaulting my ears the moment I opened the door. Shrill, cackling misery, drowning out my thoughts.
“Mom?” I followed the gut-wrenching sounds to the kitchen.
She lay in a crumpled heap on soaking wet tiles, a bucket of soapy water beside her. A yellow sponge was still gripped tightly in one fist.
“Mom!”
Her entire body shook with the sheer f
orce of her grief.
“Mom, it’s okay. I’m here, now.” What the hell was I thinking leaving her alone after the day she’d had? Prying the sponge from her vice-like fingers, I tossed it into the bucket and pulled her onto my lap. “Shh. It’s alright.”
One thing that couldn’t be said about my father was that he was a deadbeat. Despite being absent from our lives in every way, he did send those checks every month. And more than just child support for Kiernan. A lot more. Mom didn’t need to be on her hands and knees, scrubbing a floor. She wanted to be. It was her coping mechanism of choice. Always had been. Which didn’t bother me in the least.
Until tonight.
Even with only the moon’s pale light filtering through the large bay window, I could see how red and raw her hands looked. Tortured for hours by unknown chemicals and cleaning supplies.
For a long time, I thought it was her way of getting a little privacy. Kiernan and I saw housework and we generally went in the opposite direction. But this was something else, entirely. This was my mother punishing herself. Because there was no one else to punish.
It shook me right down to my foundation. This woman—this insubstantial body—wailing with misery, clinging to me in desperation. This was my mother. My mom. The strongest person in the world. The person I’d looked up to my entire life. The woman who had held me, and loved me, and rocked me as a child. The woman who had cheered me on and supported every decision I’d ever made, right or wrong. The woman who taught me about the type of person I wanted to be. That woman was falling apart right before my eyes.
I wished I could reverse time. Go back to when I was the one who cried in her arms. When all sorrows could be healed with a kiss and a popsicle. I wasn’t her little boy, anymore. Her little boy was lying in a hospital bed. And I was there. Holding her together, while she fell apart.
Angel (Pieces #1.5) Page 6
