Canvas for Love

by Charlotte Greene

  “Of course, Aunt Kate! I’m honored! I’m so happy for you!”

  We all stood up and hugged again, and Meghan told me that she was going to be the bridesmaid. The wedding was already scheduled for the first Saturday in April—just over six weeks from now. I found this timeframe shocking, but Aunt Kate reassured me. “We don’t want it to be a big thing. We’ve both been married before, and a big wedding seems silly at our age. It’s just going to be some close family and friends. We’re doing the court thing on that Friday with just us, you girls, and his sons. Then on Saturday, we’ll have the reception with everyone else downtown. Very casual—forty or fifty people tops.”

  I was crying now, openly, though my tears were entirely happy ones. When I’d moved in with my aunt, she was fairly young to be a legal guardian for a fourteen-year-old. She was much younger than her sister, my mother, and I think her guardianship of me had effectively ended what remained of her youth. She’d never resented me. She’d fought like crazy with the other aunts and uncles on my dad’s side to get custody and eventually won. She needn’t have done that. Our family is huge, especially on my father’s side, and right after my parents died, I’d spent almost a year being shuttled between different aunts, uncles, and cousins as the legal battle raged. Many of them would have been happy to keep me, but my mom’s little sister had insisted the hardest and the longest and won out in the end. Even as a young and selfish adolescent, I’d felt sorry for her, having to take me in like lost luggage, but she’d never shown a moment’s hesitation. Despite their age difference, she and my mother had been very close, and as my mom’s only sibling, she seemed to think it was her duty.

  She’d dated, on and off, over the years, but she always seemed to back out right when things started to get serious, especially when I was younger. I’d also known her to break up with men when they’d seemed reluctant to accept me as part of her life. I’d felt incredibly bad about that for years. She was always quick to reassure me it wasn’t about me at all, but I’d never quite believed her. Dating Jim, moving in with him, and now marrying him finally put that past to rest. She would have her own life now.

  Kate told me a little bit more about the wedding. Jim’s three sons would be joining us a week early, and she asked if I could put one of them up at my place, which was fine. Jim’s brother would also attend, but Jim wasn’t close with anyone else in his family, so his side of the guest list would be limited to his sons, his brother, and their various wives and girlfriends. While Aunt Kate didn’t have any other siblings, she had a mountain of cousins, aunts, and uncles, and it would be hard to limit the attendees.

  She paused, looking troubled. “There’s one more thing, Chloé.”

  “What?”

  “As you know, Jim’s construction business is doing really well. He’s been splitting his time between here and Florida since Katrina, but he’s getting a little tired of going back and forth all the time. The work here is starting to dry up a little, which means he sometimes misses out on opportunities in Florida because he spends so much time here or in the car.”

  I knew where she was going with this, and my face must have reflected my dread. She smiled weakly and took my hand in hers. “Chloé, we’re moving to Florida.”

  I couldn’t help my response. “Oh no! You can’t, Aunt Kate! You love it here! Your whole family is here!”

  She nodded, her face still serious. “You’re right on all accounts, honey. But we’ve talked long and hard about this. He’s years from retirement, and it just doesn’t make sense for him to move here right now. I’m still a relatively young woman, and I’ve been thinking of going back to teaching full-time. They’re desperate for teachers in Florida right now.”

  I was crushed. While I was happy for Aunt Kate and recognized the sense in what she was saying, it was difficult to think of living here in the city without her. She and I were very close. Still, I knew I needed to put on a brave face. She’d given up some of the best years of her life to take care of me and was finally moving on. We stood up and hugged again, and I had to fight back my tears for a few minutes. The wine wasn’t helping. In fact, it was starting to make me feel a little maudlin, but I let Meghan fill our glasses for a celebratory toast.

  We talked of less-important matters for a while. I gave them their presents from Mexico, Meghan showed us some pictures from her concert tour, and Kate served pecan tarts with peach ice cream. Finally, after Meghan and I drank a couple of cups of strong coffee to sober up, we gathered our coats to leave. Meghan left before me, seeming to understand that I needed a moment alone with my aunt.

  Once she was gone, Kate put her hand on my shoulder and made eye contact with me. “The move won’t be immediate, Chloé. We’re planning to live there half-time at first, every other month for a while, just to make sure it works. He has some projects here that won’t end for another year, and I want to sub down there for a while before getting something more permanent. I’ll still be around for a long while before I move for good.”

  “I’m sorry, Aunt Kate. I know I should be happy for you. It’s just hard. You’ve always been here for me. But I don’t want to be selfish, either.”

  “You aren’t. And don’t worry—I’ll always be here for you. I just won’t be here, here. But you can call me any time, and we’ll visit each other all the time. Florida is just beautiful.”

  I nodded, holding back tears again.

  “You’ll see,” she said, hugging my shoulders. “You’ll be so busy with your new job you won’t even notice I’m gone.”

  I brushed away a stray tear or two and laughed. “Says you. I know I’ll be freaked out, and you won’t be here to make me ice cream or tell me it’ll all be better later.”

  “It will. And you’ll be a great professor. I promise.”

  I grinned at her. “See! That’s what I need. Someone with confidence in me.”

  She looked a little troubled, and I saw her weighing something in her mind. Finally, she made eye contact with me. “What about Amelia? Doesn’t she support you?”

  “Of course she does,” I said, impatient and defensive about her, as always.

  Her brow cleared a little. “Well, good. What does she think about this job opportunity, by the way? I forgot to ask earlier.”

  This time I paused, and my hesitance must have been clear as I could see Kate tense up. “Is she upset?”

  “No.” I paused, hesitating. “I haven’t told her yet.”

  Kate was a quiet for a long time, her gaze sad and concerned. I could see that she wanted to say something, likely something very hurtful, but she kept her mouth closed, waiting for me to finish.

  “She was working all night last night and all day today. I haven’t had a chance.” My excuse sounded even stupider spoken aloud, and my temper heated up at Kate’s continued silence—it seemed to mock and accuse me.

  “I’m sure she’ll be happy for me, Kate. She’s not some kind of monster.”

  Aunt Kate just shook her head and gave me a quick hug. “Well, you better tell her soon. Are you seeing her tonight?”

  “Yes.”

  “Then tell her right away. Don’t wait.”

  My temper flared again, and it was all I could do not to yell an angry retort. I excused myself as graciously as I could and stormed back to my place on foot, too angry and still a little too drunk to get behind the wheel of my car.

  Aunt Kate’s expression haunted me all the way home. I kept telling myself I was being silly, that of course Amelia would be happy for me, but it was getting harder and harder to ignore the growing kernel of doubt and guilt when I pictured telling her. Further, I couldn’t quite explain to myself why I hadn’t confided in her immediately. I could have tried harder yesterday and today, and I hadn’t. Did that mean I was afraid of what she might say or do? Aunt Kate seemed to think so, without actually saying as much. I could tell that’s what she thought. Was I worried about Amelia, too? I was certainly acting that way.

  I walked quickly, angrily back
to my place, and by the time I reached my apartment, I was ready to do anything to get rid of my growing fear and guilt. Amelia picked up the second I rang.

  “My God, it’s good to hear from you,” she said. I could hear the fatigue in her voice. “I’m just wrapping up at work now. Can I come over?”

  “Yes. Please. I have something really important to tell you.”

  “You sound so serious about it, honey. I hope it’s good news.”

  “It is. At least, I think it is. Anyway, get here as fast as you can.”

  “I’m on my way.”

  Chapter Nine

  I was disappointed to see that Amelia had already lost some of her vacation glow. Her eyes looked tired and strained, and she was wearing the same clothes she’d worn yesterday when she left. She hugged me long and hard and then kissed me, and some of my earlier doubts evaporated in her arms. She was always like this—ethereal and elusive when I wasn’t around her, and solid and sure when I was. A lot of my fear, I knew, was based entirely on my own uncertainty about the possibility of a new job, not about Amelia. I’d simply projected some of my anxiety outward, and she’d become the target.

  Though it was the last thing I needed, I poured us both a glass of wine, trying to whip up some liquid courage. When I brought it back into the living room, she had her head thrown back on the cushion, eyes closed. I sat down next to her, and she roused herself a little, blinking her tired eyes a few times and then focusing on me. She wore glasses at work, and little red ovals were imprinted on her nose, as if she’d had them on nonstop since I last saw her. In the dim light of my living room, her eyes were a dark, almost cobalt blue, and when she turned them to mine, a shiver of joy shot through me at her all-encompassing focus. This was one of her superpowers and possibly the single-most significant reason she was so good at her job. When she looked at you, the rest of the world seemed to drop away. You saw only her beautiful eyes.

  “So tell me your news,” she said. “I’ve been curious about it all day.”

  I hesitated, not certain how to begin. I knew I should just tell her everything from start to finish, but it was hard to know what to say. I chickened out and said the first thing that came to mind.

  “Aunt Kate is getting married.”

  Amelia’s face broke into a wide smile. “That’s excellent news. It’s been coming for a while now.” She paused and grinned slyly. “I actually knew about this a couple of weeks ago.”

  I was stunned. “You did? How?”

  “I helped Jim pick out the ring. He was clueless, and when he called me, he told me it was because he knew I had good taste.”

  This information was so shocking, it was almost hard to believe. Jim is a quiet, reserved man—a sort of Sam Elliott type. The idea that he would contact Amelia, who was essentially a stranger, to help him make such a monumental decision stunned me, to say the least. Still, the more I thought about it, the less surprising it was. I’d seen the two of them chatting at family meals a few times. In fact, I was pretty sure she’d talked to him more than I had. They were both outsiders, both the quieter partner in their relationship, so perhaps friendliness between them made sense. Still, I was very surprised he’d called her.

  “So you knew this was going to happen?” I asked.

  She shrugged. “I mean, eventually. He didn’t tell me when he would pop the question. I suggested Valentine’s Day. Is that when he did it?”

  I nodded, mute with shock.

  She laughed. “I’m sorry, Chloé. He asked me to keep it a surprise. I hope you don’t mind.”

  I shook my head. “No. I don’t mind.” I paused and looked up at her. “Did you know that he and Aunt Kate are moving to Florida together?”

  Now she looked surprised. She leaned forward and set her wineglass down before taking both of my hands. The gesture brought tears to my eyes. She knew how much the news would hurt me.

  “No, honey. I didn’t,” she said. “I mean, he mentioned a couple of times how much he hated going back and forth, but if I thought anything, I guess I assumed they’d settle here. I’m so sorry to hear it.”

  I laughed and wiped away a couple of tears. “I’m being an idiot. I’m happy for her, for them, I mean, but—”

  “You don’t have to explain yourself, Chloé. I know how much she means to you.”

  We were quiet for a while as I composed myself, and then I told her about the wedding plans to date.

  “So I get to sleep with the maid of honor?” she asked, grinning. “Nice.”

  I raised my eyebrows. “I take it this is not the first time you’ve achieved that goal?”

  She pretended to think about it and then shook her head. “Been there, done that. First at my brother Bobby’s wedding, and then at my brother Dean’s wedding. Oh, and at my uncle George’s wedding. I almost forgot about her.”

  I pushed her arm, laughing. “Tramp.”

  She held up her hands. “Guilty as charged.”

  We sipped our wine awhile, and I knew that this was the time to tell her. I’d stalled long enough.

  “There’s something else,” I finally said, almost spitting out the words.

  She looked confused. “Something else what?”

  “I mean, I have some other news.”

  She seemed to sense my anxiety, as her brow creased. “What is it?”

  “You know my friend Lana? In New York?”

  She nodded.

  “She got me an interview at New Orleans State University. For a position as a professor.”

  She didn’t react except to grow incredibly still.

  “I called the dean yesterday, and I had the interview this morning.”

  She was quiet for a moment before she asked, “And how did it go?”

  “It went really, really well. I-I’m pretty sure I have the job if I want it. I’ll have to do a teaching demonstration next week and talk with the other deans and the provost and whatnot, but I think they want me, Amelia. And I want the job, too.”

  She was still just staring at me, her body tense. Her expression was neither happy nor upset, but neither was it blank. She seemed to be stuck somehow, as if absorbing the information had short-circuited her reactions. My own anxiety skyrocketed, and I started blabbering to get her to say something.

  “I mean, it won’t be right away. They told me this morning that I wouldn’t start until fall term. I’ll have some meetings and things over the summer, but I wouldn’t actually teach until after Labor Day. I can wrap up some of the projects at work before then, and we can still do the trip to Paris together in June. I mean, if you want me to. If that still works for you. If, if, you know, you don’t want me to leave right away. I mean, I’d like to stay and work with you until I have to go. And even then, I could probably still help out a little after I start teaching. It’s full-time, but I can help out between classes.”

  I might have rattled on like this forever just to fill in the emptiness in the room, but she finally seemed to shake herself awake. Still, her smile, when it came, was strained. I could see the pain in her eyes and in the way she was holding herself, but she leaned forward and drew me into a hug.

  “It’s great news, Chloé. I’m so happy for you.”

  I pulled back. “You don’t seem very happy.”

  She smiled that same strained smile and looked away. For a moment I thought I saw tears in her eyes, but they were gone before I was sure I’d seen them.

  She looked at me again. “I’m just surprised, that’s all. Of course it’s an amazing opportunity.”

  “But you’re disappointed.” I said this rather than asked it, as the answer was obvious from her expression and body language.

  She sighed and then rubbed her tired eyes. “I don’t mean to be disappointed, Chloé, but I am. I love working with you. You’re amazing at what you do, and I like being able to see you every day. Of course I knew it couldn’t last forever—you told me that the first time we met. I just thought I’d have you with me for a while longer. Another yea
r or two, maybe.” She shook her head. “But that was stupid of me. I should have known that someone with your talents wouldn’t sit on the shelf for long. And I’m very glad it’s here in New Orleans and not somewhere else.”

  “So you’re not upset with me?”

  She smiled weakly again. “Of course I’m not, honey. I’m upset with myself. It was stupid of me to get my hopes up. I’d almost convinced myself you would stay forever.”

  I couldn’t help the stab of guilt that followed her words. I knew how much she appreciated me at work. She’d told me time and again over the last few months how impossible things would be without me. And I also knew it would be difficult to find someone to replace me.

  “I’m sorry, Amelia. I really am.”

  She laughed. “I’m the one who’s sorry, Chloé. You’re excited about your new job, and I’m shitting all over it. Don’t worry about me, for God’s sake. I’ll be fine.” She shook her head again. “I should be celebrating with you, not complaining.”

  “Well, I don’t have the job quite yet. I mean, it’s not official.”

  “But it will be,” she said. “I know it will. They would be stupid to pass up the opportunity to have you in their department.” She stood up. “In fact, this calls for a celebration. Do you have any champagne in the house?”

  “No, I don’t.” I didn’t like the strange, almost maniacal look in her eyes.

  “Damn,” she said, looking incredibly put out. “How can we celebrate without champagne?”

  “I don’t need champagne, Amelia. Please just sit down and talk about this with me for a moment.”

  “Are you crazy? After all these years, and all your schooling, you just want to sit and talk? We should be celebrating! Let’s go dancing somewhere!”

  I could tell she was saying all of this and acting this way to distract us from her real feelings, and I wouldn’t have it. We’d come too far together to beat around the bush this way. We would have an honest conversation or we would fight, but we wouldn’t avoid this issue.