by Kitty Berry
Just as we are breaking apart to come up for air we spot my mother and Katrina coming from one direction and Michael and my dad coming from the other. “I’ll explain later or ask your sister” Tate says as he takes my hand and we walk to meet my family in the middle.
When my parents see me they look shocked at my weight lose. I am barely eighty-five pounds right now according to Molly’s scale this morning. With all the workouts and not eating much I have dropped almost ten pounds in six weeks. I only hope I can keep it off.
We get my luggage and head to the car. This time my parents don’t seem to notice when Tate and I climb into the way back alone. Tate holds my hand and I put my head on his shoulder. He tells me that he, Katrina and Michael made a plan to get my parents to leave when my plane arrived so Tate and I could have at least one kiss. Katrina told my mother that she thought she just got her period for the first time so my mom went into frenzy mode rushing her into the ladies room while Michael told my father that he just saw George Michael and he started running in the opposite direction of my mother and sister causing my father no choice but to chase after him while he yelled to Tate to wait where he was for me.
I rub my hand up and down Tate’s hard muscular thigh and I watch as he shifts in his seat. He rubs my leg and asks me how the plane ride was and if I listened to my tape on the way home. I tell him about the last days of camp and ask him what he’s been doing that he looks so different. He tells me about football training and how he and Bobby have been working out with Eric. He said Bobby has gotten much bigger too and that he and Asia broke up a few days ago. He said Asia called him crying telling him that she hated Bobby and that she needed me.
We drop Tate off at his house and I promise to call him later that night. I tell him that I need to call Asia as soon as I get home. When I do she’s a mess and I have no choice but to walk to her house and see what’s going on. When I get there I find her in her room alone in bed.
She sobs, “I needed you and you weren’t here. You suck as a best friend.” And it cuts me to the core.
“What happened with you and Bobby, Tate said you broke up. That you called him crying and said you hated him. What did he do? Tell me what happened” I demand.
“He fucked me one time too many and knocked me up. Eric and Bobby took me to the clinic, I had money from my Birthday and Christmas and I borrowed the rest from my sisters and I took care of it but then the fucking prick dumped me a few days later saying he just can’t be with me right now.”
I am speechless so I just hold her and we cry together for hours. Asia cries that she killed her baby and I just listen. She says she’ll never have sex again because she can never go through that ever again. She tells me about the procedure and how scared she was. She says Bobby went with her but waited in the car with his brother. I ask her why she didn’t wait for me to get home and she says she didn’t know how long she could wait and that she just wanted it over with before she changed her mind.
It’s dark before I get up to leave, I call my house and my mom comes to pick me up. I get in the car, hug her and ask her if we can talk. She notices my tear stained face and asks if everything is alright. I tell her that I’m fine but that we need to talk. She pulls into our driveway, turns off the engine and we sit in the car together, neither one of us talking for a long time. She asks why I’ve lost so much weight and I lie to her that it’s just from all the working out I had to do at the camps. I don’t include the fact that I hardly ate a thing or that Molly has taught me how to stick my finger down my throat if I eat too much so I can puke it all up. Instead I change the subject from me and tell her about Tate and how much I love him. I’m honest with her that we have not done it yet but that we have talked about it. I tell her we have done other things but she doesn’t ask what so I leave it at that. I explain that I want him to be my first and my last. She sighs and tells me that’s not realistic but crazier things have happened. She agrees to not tell my dad because I am convinced that he’ll kill Tate. She says she’ll call her doctor first thing on Monday and get me an appointment for an exam and for me to get on the pill. I promise to be careful and she hugs me, “Stop trying to grow up so soon, honey. I’m not ready to let you go just yet, okay?” she says with a sad smile on her face. I smile back and we walk into the house holding hands.
I call Tate when I get into bed and tell him everything. I tell him all about camp and Molly. I tell him why I am so skinny and I promise him I won’t make myself throw up anymore. I don’t know why I was doing it in the first place; I think I just felt pressure to be like Molly and a lot of the other girls. I also saw how it worked to keep me thin. I hope I’ll be able to keep my word to Tate and not continue to make myself sick to keep the weight off.
We talk about Asia and Bobby as “Stand by Me” comes on the radio and I find it ironic that I wasn’t there to help my best friend through the hardest thing she has ever done. I cry to Tate that I should have been there for her, I sense that he may have know about her being pregnant and when I ask he admits to knowing.
He knew about Bobby and Asia but didn’t want to tell me, he thought I needed to hear it from Asia. He said Bobby didn’t dump her to be a prick he just can’t deal right now with what happened. He’s scared and he didn’t know what else to do. They had not been getting along all summer and things just got worse when she got pregnant that he just had to get away from her for awhile. But she told him she hated him and that she would never get back together with him even though he just wanted them to take a break for till the end of summer to cool off.
I tell Tate about the talk with my mom. Tate asks if my mom is going to kill him or tell my dad so he can and I tell him she promised not to. He sweetly asks if I want him to go to the doctor’s appointment with me. It’s sweet of him to ask but I tell him that my mom is taking me.
“This whole thing sucks so badly but I am really glad you’re home Brook, I missed you so much. I have a lot to tell you, do you want to catch up now or are you way too tired after traveling and then everything with Asia? We can talk tomorrow. Can I see you tomorrow?”
I agree to see Tate the next day; we make plans to go to the beach with Wendy and Danny. I blow Tate a kiss through the phone and say good-night. We sleep together on the phone for the first night in six weeks; and because of him I sleep well that night even after everything that happened that day.
I hit play on my boom box and “I Knew You Were Waiting” comes blasting out as Brook enters the terminal. She runs to me and jumps into my arms so I lift her up and spin her around while she rubs my new fuzzy head. She looks scary skinny like one of those concentration camp survivors. I’m worried that she’s anorexic and hasn’t eaten in six weeks. It’s like every pound of muscle I’ve managed to gain this summer she’s lost. When Brooklynn’s parents see her they look as shocked as I was at her weight lose, she looks like she is eighty pounds.
On the car ride home we hold hands and she puts her head on my shoulder. I tell her how I’ve kept up my daily workout regimen from basketball camp and I ask her if she wants to workout with me now that she’s home. I don’t think she’ll be able to keep up with me but maybe it’ll help her put a little weight back on. I hate seeing her like this, I want to do everything in my power to keep her happy, healthy and safe and I feel like I’ve failed her.
Later that night Brook calls me and we talk about her camps and she admits why she’s so skinny. She tells me she’s been making herself puke after she eats and I make her promise me to stop or I tell her I am telling her parents and getting her help. I just hope now that she’s home and I can watch her and keep her from continuing doing it. This is why I need her to stay near me, so I can keep her safe from shit like this. I don’t know what would make her want to be this skinny, she looked great before.
************
Darren and I meet to have our final talk about Tate’s presentation. Darren gives me three lists, one is a list of the artists who will be performing, another is of who will b
e in attendance and the third list is of every artist Tate has either worked with or represented over the years. Over the next few weeks Heidi and I secretly work in my studio day and night on the story line, song selections and choreography so it will be a surprise for Tate. We decide to go with a contemporary routine using current artists. Our dancers from New York and some new ones we bring on for this project work endlessly at the studio making sure they are perfect. We couldn’t ask for a better group of professionals. I hope the exposure they’ll receive from being a part of this project will send their careers into full swing. They all deserve it.
We decide to start with “California King Bed”. There will be a king sized bed in the far center of the stage angled up at the head so the audience can see it perfectly. Lining the front of the stage will be six tables. When the curtain rises the audience will see the bed with a man and a woman lying next to each other in it. They will touch their body parts together to coincide with the lyrics. As the tempo changes the man will jump out of bed as if leaving his partner behind and the woman will curl into a ball accepting the pain it is causing her to lose him. When the pain is too much to bear she stands on the bed and uses it as a trampoline to launch her, flying to him in the air with her arms stretched out to the sides until he catches her. She then clings to his body as he is trying to walk away. He will put her down and they’ll mimic the lyrics once again touching the named body parts on each other. The man then grabs the bed sheets and uses them to wrap around the woman pulling her to him. They end under the blanket together as the song changes to “Turning Tables”.
During this song the dancers will be paired up as couples behind the tables, they will stand up and use their fist to pound the table. The bed lowers into the ground with the man and women on it once again. The couples lean back on the tables and look at the audience. The men roll so they are now in front of the women and facing the audience, he pins her down on the table. She pushes at him and a tug of war begins. The dancers use the whole stage for leaps and turns until they are back at the tables where the women will go under the table and the men will lay on them. They will reach out their hands to touch palms and then the men will pull the women from under the table and swing her onto the table with him. They will then hold hands and walk off the table like it’s a cliff and they are free falling straight down. Now while looking at the audience, with the table to their backs they will lean back on the table again, get into a tug of war ending with the women being pinned under the men again behind the table. As the fight grows more aggressive they flip the tables off the stage and walk away from each other.
The stage is now empty for “Where is Your Heart?” with the exception of one female and one male dancer who will be on one side of the stage to represent Tate and I while on the other side to represent Tate and his father there will be two men. This dance is not yet choreographed but my vision is for an aggressive dance with the male dancers throwing each other around quite a bit and the couple clearly anguished.
I am planning on dancing by myself to “I Won’t Give Up”. Tate used to love when I would perform on stage. He said it never matter how many people were in the audience, he always felt that I was dancing just for him. I won’t choreograph this part of the performance. I’ll dance from my heart just for Tate that night when I step out on the stage.
Heidi and I decide to end with an upbeat dance to “Try”. I know Tate will understand that the story line depicts not only his rise but his relationship with his father and his relationship with me. I also know that I am giving too much credit to the media with the song selection. They are going to jump all over it assuming that Tate and I are having problems, bigger problems then we really are. What they won’t understand, what no one else knows except for Bobby and I is the way it all started, the relationship Tate had with his father. They will assume the songs are about him and me not his father but I don’t care, Tate will know. He’s always understood my stories and my choreography; this time will be no different and I think it may be what he needs to help him forgive himself, forgive his father, and finally be able to move on.
Chapter 6: The Repairing
Tate and I continue with our therapy sessions once a week. During my therapy sessions Bernie and I start to focus on my miscarriage but it ends up being about my past issues around my weight. I finally own up to feeling responsible for my miscarriage and projecting the blame onto Tate to ease it off myself. I tell Bernie about my early years of undiagnosed bulimia and anorexia and my issues with eating to this day. I tell her I feel that it’s my fault I miscarried because I was hardly eating leading up to it, I was upset about Tate’s drinking and drug use, I suspected him of having an affair and I was heartbroken that he lost his father before they were able to repair their relationship.
Bernie helps me to open up about my eating disorder and admit for the first time that I’ve had one for years. We explore when it started and why I continue to feel the pressure to remain so thin to this day. It began during that summer of my first camp experience I had with Molly. When I got back home I felt the pounds going right back on and I panicked and started eating just enough to survive or I made myself throw up if I thought I had eaten too much, it worked so I continued. The pressure I was under to be thin as a cheerleader and as a dancer overwhelmed me, I wanted to always be at the top of my game when I was younger than at the top of my field once I became a choreographer. I felt pressure to be as light as possible so the other girls on my cheer team in high school would be able to lift me like Adam and my subsequent male partners were able to do. Bernie promises to help me understand that expecting girls to be able to lift me the way a boy did was setting me up to fail from the start. She wants us to work on my self esteem and investigate why and how I feel the way I do about myself as a whole, not just my body.
Bernie and I spend the next few sessions on our discussion about my weight and the reasons I feel I have to stay so thin. She suggests that we explore this issue in our group sessions with Tate and Drew and even though I am reluctant, I agree. I finally admit to Tate that I have spent years hiding my eating disorder from him and everyone else around me because I was embarrassed and I didn’t want anyone to make me stop. I told him why I was so skinny when I arrived home from that first summer of camp but since then I have lied to him about how I have managed to stay so thin and he’s gone along with it, never questioning me. To this day I want to be skinny. I want to be able to wear anything I want and know it looks good on me. Tate is silent at first and I’m afraid of what he will say when he finally does speak.
“Brooklynn, I get it, I’m not saying it was right but I can understand it. I remember how much I hated being smaller than all the older guys I played with my first two years in high school. You remember how I used to drink those horrible shakes and lift weights like a lunatic? You were the only reason I didn’t start doing steroids when everyone else was. Why didn’t you let me help you? I thought it was just a thing at camp that first year.”
“I don’t understand why even now, all I can say is it’s because I want to be skinny. I don’t want you to watch everything I eat and make sure I gain weight. I don’t want to gain weight” I admit.
“Is it to stay skinny for me? Do you think I won’t love you anymore if you’re not a size zero? Do you think that little of me?” Tate asks.
When I hesitate with my answer Bernie encourages me to be honest explaining that if I don’t tell Tate the truth we can’t move on from this place we’re stuck in.
“First of all I am not a size zero anymore and it’s not about you really; it’s my perception of how you see me. I know deep down that you love me for who I am but who I am is this tiny ex-cheerleader, dancer who has always been skinny, that’s the girl you fell in love with, married, not some fat girl. And if anything it’s harder for me now. I have to watch myself everyday to eat just enough but not too much and fight the urge to make myself sick if I do eat too much. I haven’t made myself throw up in years Tate, I promise
that part of it is over but I will never accept getting fat. Look at you, you still have the body you did in college. You still turn the heads of every woman even the twenty year olds when you walk by. ”
Tate sighs and comes and kneels on the floor in front me, “Do you not see how every guy checks you out too, Brook? They always have and right in front of me. They turn to see your tight ass as you pass by them, they check out your tits when they’re talking to you. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanting to rip the eyes out of some mother fucker over the years. How do you not know how beautiful you are? I’ve always told you that you were pretty. Don’t you believe me when I say it?” he asks as he places his head in my lap while he starts to cry.
I pull his face up so he looks at me and ask him, “What?”
He takes a minute to compose himself and then asks, “Why now? Why is this what we’re talking about now? I thought we’d be talking about my drinking, the separation or the miscarriage so the only way I see this related to our issues is the miscarriage. Were you not eating because you didn’t want to get fat and you blame yourself as much as you blame me? How are we going to have a baby if you can’t deal with gaining any weight?”
I continue my therapy sessions with Drew. During our first session we focus on my childhood as an only child. I always felt so much pressure to be everything to my parents, my dad made me feel like I had to be perfect like him in order to obtain his approval and love. He expected me to excel in sports and where I was very athletic and loved to play I didn’t want to be forced to practice. I wanted to hang out with my friends and play video games; I didn’t want to have my father over my shoulder monitoring me at all times. I also didn’t want him interfering with my coaches but there was no stopping him. He coached most of my teams and the ones he didn’t coach he got involved with one way or another. I questioned how good I really was, I always had to wonder if I was truly as good as the coaches said and gave me play time for or was it because I was the son of a former UNC basketball player and they gave me more credit than I deserved.
