“Are you saying that is not what you want? You live a life of privilege and luxury here. It is an easy thing to say you want less than that, much harder to do.”
“Maybe I would go far and wide for something real.”
“Again, easy to say. I am never going to be part of this place, and I don’t want to be.”
She stood. “Lots of people make the mistake of being distracted by the superficial here, place more value on the things people have. And you are right, there are a lot of people who think that is the ultimate goal, but there’s more of value in the world than the price tag for the things you surround yourself with. I thought you understood that. At least that was what I saw in you.” Disappointment was written all over her face. She turned to leave.
It was almost ironic that he was the one being accused of being superficial, but then maybe he had made his decision on assumptions. “Neither am I perhaps interested in someone who sees some nobility in sacrifice and poverty.”
“Why can’t there just be value in two people liking each other?”
“Because the world is always more complicated than that.”
“So what you are saying is that you do like me, and you feel there could be something real between us, but the things around me make me untenable?”
“You are oversimplifying a complicated issue.”
“Maybe it is only complicated because you make it so.” There was bitter disappointment in her eyes now and he felt that was unjustified. He was being mature about this, seeing the gaping fault lines between them and not allowing sentiment to gloss them over. “I can’t say I am not disappointed. There are so many people around here that are afraid of all sorts of things, of losing what they have. They will trade so much of themselves in the name of those fears. I thought you were brave.” Finally, she did turn to walk away.
Being accused of cowardice was a grave offence and it riled under his skin, but on some level he also got what she was saying. He’d put this in terms of maturity, while she called it cowardice. Was it cowardice to foresee how things would play out? But then she’d also accused him of assigning superficiality to her. She was right that people here held onto their things and status with sheer desperation, and he had sneered at them for their lack of integrity. Automatically, he had assigned that compulsion to her as well as she was a product of that very society, of not knowing better, seeing her as being incapable of being anything more. Perhaps he had been unjust.
Chapter 64
Okay, the not fucking really sucked. Ricky was beside himself, pumping iron like a madman. Saying that, he was surprised that he was managing to pull it off. Perhaps not with grace, but moment to moment, he was managing the celibacy thing. Obviously, there were massive moments of doubt, when he couldn’t see how this would make him a better person.
Those girls with their clinging clothes, plumped lips and come-hither looks made it hard for him, but then he would think of the things he wanted, and it was more than some meaningless fumble in a closet. It was time to grow up and the next girl he fucked would have some meaning.
Instead, again at the Athletic Club gym, he was lifting weights and turning his attention to this potential girlfriend he’d set himself a task to find. There was always Shania. She was hot and smart—completely focused on her career, which he respected. But there was a hardness in her that he wasn’t sure he could compete with. Going there would also mean stepping on Felix’s toes, who seemed slightly obsessed with her. Not that Ricky gave a fuck about upsetting Felix.
It was his night off and he was going out that night to hang with Aggie and her friends. In a way, he didn’t quite know where he stood with Aggie. They were friends, as far as he could tell, but sometimes, there was a look in her eyes that seemed to ask why the hell he was there. He wasn’t entirely sure whether that look was real, or whether he was just having a strange reaction to the idea that he was friends with a girl. These kinds of things were not the expressions he usually looked for, which were more along the lines of how ready was she to lose her knickers.
This was all a brave new world. In some sense, he was absolutely floundering in the dark, having little idea of how to get a girlfriend, or what to do with them. There was the time with Megan, of which he’d spent most of it being annoyed by her being around. The move to Marbella had been the big distraction and he’d paid more attention to that than he had to her.
In some ways, it was a shame that things couldn’t progress with Aggie. She was an awesome girl, but she was also anti-relationship, and he respected that. A part of him also accepted that he might royally fuck up this first relationship, and he didn’t want to ruin the friendship with the only friend he had for a learning experience.
Instead, he let his mind travel over the girls he would normally dismiss out of hand—the ones who would stick around and he would have to deal with after, like Aggie’s friends, or the girls working at Shine. In the old days, he would avoid hooking up with those kinds of girls because of all the drama after, but they were the girlfriend material.
A couple of Aggie’s friends were cute, a few others seemed like downright bitches. It was time to start paying attention to more than just if they were fuckable, which was actually quite interesting and fun.
Checking his watch, he saw it was time to get on with it, go home and shower, get ready for the night to come.
They were spending the evening at the competitors, Blanca Beach. Ricky hadn’t actually been there and the place was busy, but with quite a different crowd. This was more a mingling place with more sedate music. There were people dancing, but it wasn’t the same as Virtue, where people came specifically to dance. This was more cabanas and stupidly expensive drinks.
Aggie sat holding a tall glass of something dark when he approached and sat down. “Hello, Ricky,” she said. In a way, he didn’t feel assured about getting a friendly reception from her and was always slightly surprised when it happened. “How’ve you been?”
“Good, doing boy stuff.”
“Oh?”
“Gym, gym, sleeping and more gym.”
“Must do wonders for your fitness.”
“Also serves as a distraction from falling back into old patterns.”
“I see. And how is that working?”
“Ungracefully.”
“Well, it is commendable that you are trying. If I’m honest, I wasn’t sure you could pull it off.”
“Thanks for the faith.”
“Well, let’s just say you were pretty entrenched.”
Ricky smiled and looked around, again feeling the old habits still try to influence him—the urge was to search the crowd for his next conquest. His eyes settled on a girl, a hot little number who didn’t look all too self-assured. They were always the easiest to pull. Instinctively, he seemed to know the girls to stay away from, the ones who would be hard work. The easiest were the girls with less-than-stellar confidence and then the plain easy girls, who just wanted to get laid, seeing it as part of who they were, or else, completely separate from who they were.
Problem was, none of the girls he would usually pull were girls he’d want to have as girlfriends. Low self-esteem would be too trying for him to deal with, and the party girls were more about quantity than quality. That was what he’d been, too—quantity over quality, but quality was a bit scary.
Ricky leant back on the large seat, half facing Aggie. “I’m actually struggling with the whole girlfriend thing. How do you know who would make a good girlfriend?”
“Beside the fact that my relationships tend to end in abject failure, I guess it depends on who appeals to you. Who are you drawn to?”
“The wrong kind of girl.”
Aggie rolled her eyes. “I know how that works. Look, I don’t think it serves you to think about it too much. I think you’ll know when you know. A gut thing.”
Ricky thought it over. He’d been so focused on the act of getting a girlfriend, he’d been putting every thought into it. Maybe he shouldn’t
and just let it present itself to him. Wouldn’t it be awesome if he would just know which one should be his? In that case, he’d just have to sit back and wait, but then Aggie admitted she was fairly useless at this. It still felt like the most complex riddle.
Chapter 65
Aggie sighed, looking around the club. Ricky couldn’t figure out how to fall in love, while she couldn’t figure out how to get laid. You wouldn’t think it would be all that difficult. Maybe she was having a crisis in confidence. She was definitely not in the state of mind to get into a relationship—even if she technically was too snobby to do so with someone like Ricky.
Facing her own snobbishness had hurt and did that bit more in her recent pursuit of undermining herself. No, this was all good, she told herself, this was all part of the process of becoming the person she was going to be. Yes, it might be painful and at times embarrassing, because she should be someone who has her act together. She used to be the person who completely had her act together.
“You know, maybe you shouldn’t be so strict on yourself,” she said to Ricky. “Maybe you just need to slow down and start refocusing more than just cutting yourself off completely.”
“Are you suggesting I need to get laid?” Ricky asked with amused surprise.
“You know what? I don’t have a fucking clue,” she admitted. The one really good thing about Ricky was that she could actually admit how she was feeling. There was no judgement from him. He didn’t even blink when she told him she had sworn off relationships and only shrugged like it was a perfectly legit decision. Her friends would rally around and tell her she was just reacting and everything would be fine. She didn’t want to hear that everything would be fine. For a while, was it so bad to not be fine, to just be on strike from the total bullshit?
“You’re right, though. Being in a place like this, with the girls all dolled up and on the prowl, it seems like an insane choice.”
“How would you go about pulling one of them?” she asked and Ricky looked at her with surprise. “I’m curious. A Lothario like yourself, how do you go about pulling girls?” Truth was, she was shit at pulling guys. In some way, she couldn’t get out of her own way.
“I don’t know. It’s in the eyes, I guess. Actually, there’s not that much to it. I pretty much let the girls come to me. If it’s a girl I really like, then I might approach her. Maybe chat with her for a bit.”
“So, how do you know you’re hitting it off?”
Ricky rolled onto his back as they lay chatting. He was still so damned hot, but she was trying to train her body not to see him that way. Failing miserably. Thinking of him flirting wasn’t helping. “I suppose it’s in the kiss.”
In a way, that surprised her. One, because heat flared up her cheeks, and second, because, in a way, it seemed romantic. “A kiss?”
“Yes, a kiss will tell you everything.”
God, she wanted to know. This was killing her. No, focus on what he was saying. “I don’t understand.”
“There’s the awkward kiss, the ‘I’m kind of interested, but pulling away.’ Usually comes with big eyes.”
“Big eyes,” Aggie repeated.
“Means you have more work to do. If not, the girl takes off at that point, effectively saying not interested, but that’s rare. Otherwise, it’s kind of a surrendering kiss.”
She had no idea what he was talking about.
“Let me show you,” he said and shifted over. She could only watch as he reached over and kissed her. Soft lusciousness filled her brain. The taste of him seeped through, heady and male. Soft lips pressed to hers and his tongue stroked along her lips. Her whole body reacted, her nipples going rock hard. The breaking of the kiss was painfully slow, the most reluctant of partings.
Aggie’s mind was completely glazed over as the kiss broke. She felt the warm sea breeze on her moistened lips. Holy hell, that had taken her by surprise and she didn’t want it to be over.
“Like that. If a girl is interested, that kiss will do it,” he said.
Blinking, Aggie tried to reboot her mind. She sat up and cleared her throat. “Kisses can be quite powerful.” Ricky seemed to watch her as she awkwardly crossed her arms, unsure what to do with herself.
“I am super conscious about not sending the wrong message right now,” she admitted and he broke out in a smile. What was the wrong message right now? The fact that she direly wanted him, but refused to admit it. Could he pick that up in his skills at reading girls’ body language? Did she convey utterly that she wanted to throw their friendship to the wind and be one of the girls he used and abused? Seriously, she had no pride at all, it seemed. “You’re very good at that.”
“Kissing? I’ve had some experience,” he said quietly.
“You make me look like a fresher at her first school ball.”
“Really? I never actually went to any of my school balls. Too cool for such mundane things.”
“They really were mundane.”
Chapter 66
Things seemed to flow at work, too. There wasn’t that edge of desperation Felix was trying to hide, or change, or whatever it was. He’d been so hard out to prove something to his father, to everyone, but mostly to himself, and that seemed to have diminished as well. It wasn’t as if he didn’t care, but that driving need to get more and more done, more responsibility—and hence more recognition—wasn’t as strong.
Before, there had been this dark presence that emanated from somewhere in the direction of where Shania’s desk was. She wasn’t in his line of sight, which he had purported was a good thing, and it probably was or he would be too distracted to do any work at all.
But now he liked the idea that she was here, nearby, even if he couldn’t see it. Dominic’s propensity to stare down on the little salon made sense now. In a way, it wasn’t necessary to see her, just to know she was there. Only Dominic would not admit… What? That he was in love. Was that what he was admitting? Then again, what the hell would he know? Love wasn’t something he did, but saying that, he’d done lust, plenty of it, to some rather paradoxical appreciation, but now there was something else.
Something had certainly changed. All those issues that had seemed pressing and important had melted away, but now there was a new one—one he didn’t quite know what to do with. This promotion was coming up and he needed to think about how to deal with it. He’d always said he’d leave if she got promoted. The urge wasn’t as consuming now, but would she leave if he got promoted? Could she not tolerate reporting to him? Never mind that fucking your underling was more than frowned upon.
If it came down to deciding whether to give up the job or give up fucking, there was no choice. Working here and not being able to touch her was a unique form of hell, and there would be nothing on God’s green earth that would compel him to put himself in that situation. This job had been the perfect distraction to how insanely attracted he was to her, but it wouldn’t serve as an outcome on its own. For what purpose?
So, should he pull out of the promotion and let her win? The problem was that this job was really meaningful to Shania and she wouldn’t risk it by fucking her underling. So pulling out didn’t work either. Pulling out as a concept in any capacity was just unsatisfying. What a stupid notion.
His phone rang and he looked down to see that Esme was calling. This was about the Holstrom do. It had been on his mind all week.
“Hey,” he said as he lifted the phone to his ear.
“Okay, I’m sorting all the plans for tonight. So, dad has a meeting this afternoon and will come home after that, so he won’t be there until a little later. You have to come home and get ready, then go pick up Shania.” There was a silence after that as if she was waiting for him to explode. He knew full well Esme had planned this little detour, an attempt to set them up.
“Fine,” he said with exasperation. He certainly wasn’t going to let on that he didn’t mind at all. He had some pride, after all. Well, not much, but enough to refuse to simply lie down and let everyone w
alk all over him, even if he’d probably enjoy the pain of their heels.
“You have to pick her up at seven. Okay, so I’ll see you at the party. I’ve asked Jasper to take me.”
“Jasper?” He hadn’t known his sister had a thing for Jasper. When had this come up? As far as he’d known, she was thing-less at the moment, so this was coming out of the blue.
“Well, I ran into him and he was free.”
Felix wasn’t sure how he felt about his sister hanging with Jasper. Jasper was okay—good family and everything—but he was still a bit of a pervert. The problem with the guys he grew up with was that he knew exactly how their devious and perverted minds worked. Not really something you want linked to your sister. It could be worse, he supposed. At least she hadn’t taken a shine to scum like Ricky. Anyway, he would be keeping an eye on Jasper that night, to make sure he didn’t step out of line.
Saying goodbye, he hung up. Now he had to find something that would distract him until the end of the day, when he was basically taking Shania on a date. Granted, they had been strong-armed into it, and he knew why he hadn’t objected, but he wasn’t entirely sure why she hadn’t. It didn’t matter. Tonight, he was taking her out and he would spend time with her—something they didn’t really do.
Shania’s skirt flared as she walked out of her apartment building, the slit all the way up her leg showing her perfectly tanned leg. Felix groaned. The dress was baby blue with beading along a semi-transparent top. He could just see the outlines of a baby blue bra underneath, then the long skirt draped around that incredible slit. Her hair fell in gentle waves around her face, and her eyes were smoky. He just about got a hard on seeing her walk towards him.
This was not a cheap dress. It must be Givenchy of something of that ilk. Esme would probably know by looking at it. It also wasn’t one of Esme’s dresses, because Esme could not pull that off. Sultry—that was the word. She would have forked out for this.
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