In the aftermath of Littleton, we heard so much talk and fretting about “looking for the signs” that might lead kids to resort to violence. How can we know? What should we look for?
To this I say, Wake up to wounded spirits! A bruise or a cut is visible, but a wounded spirit can remain buried deep inside a person unless you provide the environment that will bring it out and heal it. The letter I wrote to Mr. Sampson was my final act of desperation. Thankfully, the pen was mightier than the gun, but I’ve often wondered what might have happened, had not that one special teacher paused to ask me how I was doing. Believe me, there are kids in your school, and maybe right in your home, who have a story to tell.
And yes, you as an adult may also have a story to tell, and it may not be a tale about the bullies of your youth. It may involve the bullies you have to put up with in the adult world. As research has found, bullies in school often go on to be bullies at home and at work (see the resource list in the back of this book for research supporting this fact). Have you ever had a boss—even a Christian boss— who doesn’t mind belittling his or her employees in front of coworkers, spouting obscenities at them, and demanding unreasonable sacrifices? How about that DMV license examiner who thinks his uniform authorizes him to be rude and to make you feel like a criminal just because you’re there to comply with the law? Ever met a minister who thinks God has appointed him to cuttingly critique the lifestyles of the members of the congregation, right down to the choice of socks, slacks, shirt, or tie someone wears? Do you derive a certain wicked pleasure from humiliating your spouse by telling your friends, in your spouse’s presence, about the embarrassing mistakes he or she has made?
This list could be endless. It would have been nice if we’d all learned at an early age that there are better ways to resolve our inner problems and that there is a better path for human beings to follow. Well, it’s never too late to start doing what is right.
It’s never too late to change things.
A FRESHER START
Chapter Ten
It’s been quite a journey, a stretch of fifty years, from helping Mom raise up the car on that deadly winter night, all the way to the writing of this chapter. Now that I can look back from this vantage point, the hard knocks of my childhood are starting to fit into a much broader context. They haven’t shrunk in significance, but they have found their place as one of many seasons in my life. The bad things really happened, but they aren’t the only things that happened. They aren’t even the main things that happened. God’s plan for each of our lives covers a lot more ground, a lot more time than just that one, difficult season. The journey continues. His grace and mercies are new every morning and sufficient for each day.
But we have to wonder, Just what was that “one, difficult season” all about? What was the point? Well, speaking as a typical, nearsighted mortal, I can offer a few guesses.
Because I went through it, I can encourage and minister to others who have been there or who are there right now; and, as I’ve discovered, there are plenty of people who have abusive experiences that continue to dog them. God will use what you and I have gone through to help others find healing and deliverance from the wounds that still bring pain to their souls. Indeed, it may well be our wounds that provide the common ground on which other people can relate to us and we to them. As Brennan Manning writes in Abba’s Child, “Grace and healing are communicated through the vulnerability of men and women who have been fractured and heartbroken by life.”1Quoting Thornton Wilder’s one-act play The Angel That Troubled the Water, based on John 5:1–4, Manning reminds us that in a strange sense, our woundedness qualifies us to point others to the Healer. “In Love’s service, only wounded soldiers can serve.”2
Since first giving my talk on the subject of wounded spirits, and as I’ve worked on this book, I’ve found it comforting to think that after thirty or forty years, the Lord and I can finally make some good use of all that trouble I went through. God does not waste an ounce of our pain or a drop of our tears; suffering doesn’t come our way for no reason, and He seems especially efficient at using what we endure to mold our character. If we are malleable, He takes our bumps and bruises and shapes them into something beautiful. Maybe, because of what you and I have experienced, we can inspire a few changes in the way people think about and treat each other in this world.
I can see how God has worked through my wounds. Being a man of flesh, I could have turned out more careless and cruel in my conversation if I hadn’t suffered some pain myself. Having been hurt by words, I have a better appreciation for what words can do. Wanting to be like Jesus, I try to watch my mouth; rather than lacing my conversation with sarcasm—an arrow with the tip only slightly dulled—I attempt to speak words of encouragement, and I try to uplift people I meet.
Similarly, having suffered at the hands of bullies, I’ve wanted very much not to be one. It’s important to remember that many bullies who abuse others have been abused themselves. As Suellen and Paula Fried point out in Bullies and Victims, “They were not born bullies; they became bullies through their life experience.”3Some were physically or verbally abused as children; many witnessed violence in the lives of their parents or other family members; most bullies have parents who have been or are too busy to give them the attention they need. Or perhaps they have been ignored by parents who are unaware of what is really going on in their children’s lives. Sometimes even well-meaning parents are hard-pressed to spend the needed amount of quality time with their child, leaving the child with a sense of being unloved.
Often bullies have received inconsistent messages regarding discipline and boundaries. Bullies see threats where none exist; they see their anger as justified.4Because of these and other serious problems, bullies often end up as losers in life.
We don’t rejoice in their hardship, nor do we condone their response to it, but if we develop an awareness that most bullies themselves are suffering wounded spirits, we will understand more about their inner pain, and we will have more compassion for the abusive person. We will recognize that often, just below the harsh exterior, there is a wounded child crying out to be noticed, and yes, to be loved.
So, I can see a lesson in the unhappy life of a bully:There is definitely a better life to be had by living life correctly, God’s way, and there is a certain enabling grace God provides to help us do so. Consequently, I’ve sought God’s wisdom and tried not to let this lesson pass me by.
On a practical level, having experienced how sour this world can be, I’ve tried to spread around as much sugar as I can. If I encounter a waitress having a bad day, I try to be as nice to her as I can be, and I usually leave a generous tip. It’s a tangible way of saying, “You’re doing a good job, and I appreciate you.” Have you ever worked at a fast-food restaurant? If so, you probably have a greater appreciation for that young man or woman behind the counter who is trying to juggle several orders while customers wait impatiently. No doubt some irate customer has already yelled at my waitress for spilling something or counting the change wrong. I’d like to be the nice customer she has that day, the customer who gives her a break.
I try to use humor and display goodwill toward everyone with whom I do business, from bank clerks to telephone operators to FedEx delivery truck drivers. People appreciate kindness, and although virtue is its own reward, the Bible does promise that I will reap what I sow. Pass some sugar around, and Jesus will throw some sugar back to you, even more than you gave in the first place. It is, after all, the Lord Jesus whom we represent. As Saint Francis of Assisi put it, “Preach Christ . . . and if you must, use words.”
Comforting others puts our pain into perspective. Having encountered others who have suffered multiple rapes, domestic violence, permanent disfigurement from disease or birth defect, molestation, and violent crime, I can tell myself, “Okay. You had some tough times, but be thankful. Compared to many people in this world, you had it easy.”
I’m convinced that cruelty in and of itself is
not fruitful, and to the fullest extent of my power, I won’t allow it. Yes, God can make it all work together for good, but that’s His miraculous way of redeeming a rotten situation, not His will for our behavior. I’m not impressed by the old argument that cruelty toughens us up for life. That’s tantamount to saying it’s right. Life is cruel enough by itself, thank you, with endless opportunities to suffer. Given that, one kind word or one encouraging touch teaches more lessons than one hundred cruelties.
We all have our “difficult seasons.” Some of us are in the middle of one right now. We don’t like them, of course, but they do have a way of finding their place in the overall scheme of our lives, welcome or not. There will be pain, and years afterward, there will still be questions. The sweet part of this is, as long as the Lord God is guiding your life, more years and more wisdom will bring a better perspective of what those tough times were all about. So trust God. He’ll make things clear eventually.
I do see better days ahead. I intended this book to be a wake-up call, the cry of a lonely prophet, so to speak, but happily, I’m not the first one to raise this issue. As you’ll see from the reading list in the back of this book, there are folks out there concerned with the problem of bullying and abuse, who want to advise and assist us in doing something about it. Check it out if you want to examine things further, and don’t forget the Internet: Search the word bully, bullies, or bullying, and you’ll be surprised how much material is available. You’ll also be pleased, as I was, to find that much of the material is by or for those in education, meaning that our teachers and school administrators have plenty of practical resources from which to draw and no excuses for ignoring this matter ever again.
Maybe we’re entering a new era in which bullying and the intimidation of other people are at last consigned to their rightful place alongside racism, hatemongering, drunk driving, littering, spitting in public, and passing gas at parties.
People are slowly waking up to the prolonged impact of the problem—that bullies in school often grow up to be bullies in the home, abusing their spouses and children and perpetuating the downward spiral. Bullies in the home leave the house and go to work, where they continue to abuse employees and coworkers. The cycle can only be stopped by a change of the heart, and that is precisely the place where God’s power is more than sufficient to give people a fresh start. With other options exhausted, many people are finally beginning to give the spiritual solution some serious thought. Let’s encourage more of that, and while we’re at it, let’s search our own hearts and instruct our children regarding what it means to be noble, to protect and help the weak, to love our neighbors—even the smaller, clumsy ones—as ourselves.
Most of all, we are called to be Jesus to the world around us, to demonstrate in word and deed, not simply in slogan, “What would Jesus do?” As we follow Christ and strive to be more like Him, may we also encourage people and share His love with each person we meet along the way. He is our Savior and Lord; He is the Answer for every broken heart, the one Answer we cannot live without—He is the Healer of the wounded spirit.
Endnotes
Chapter 4: Monsters on the Loose
1. Gavin DeBecker, “What the Columbine Report Didn’t Tell You,” APBnews.com, 19 May, 2000.
2. From Alan Prendergast, “The Missing Motive,” from westword.com, originally published by Westword, 13 July 2000, copyright 2000 New Times, Inc. All rights reserved.
3. Gavin DeBecker, “What the Columbine Report Didn’t Tell You.”
4. Susan Greene, “Teen describes school life filled with taunts, abuse,” DenverPost.com, 24 April 1999.
5. Ibid.
6. Suellen Fried and Paula Fried, Bullies and Victims (New York: M.Evans and Company, 1996), 87.
Chapter 5: Finding a Voice
1. Brent Curtis and John Eldredge, The Sacred Romance (Nashville:Thomas Nelson, 1997), 49.
2. Ibid.
Chapter 6: The Playground Parable
1. Gavin DeBecker, “What the Columbine Report Didn’t Tell You,” APBnews.com, 19 May, 2000.
2. From the tape series One Week in October, copyright 1999 by Ravi Zacharias, Ravi Zacharias International Ministries, 4725 Peachtree Corners Circle, Suite 250, Norcross, Georgia 30092.
3. John H. Hoover and Ronald Oliver, The Bullying Prevention Handbook: A Guide for Principals, Teachers, and Counselors (Bloomington, Ind.: National Educational Service, 1996), 96–97.
Chapter 7: Help for the Wounded
1. For more detailed reading on the subject of Christian morals and world-view, I heartily recommend the works of Ravi Zacharias, Francis Schaeffer, Josh McDowell, and C. S. Lewis.
Chapter 10: A Fresh Start
1. Brennan Manning, Abba’s Child (Colorado Springs: NavPress, 1994), 26.
2. Ibid.
3. Suellen and Paula Fried, Bullies and Victims, 89.
4. Adapted from Bullies and Victims, 89–90.
Resources
Where You Can Find Help
The following list of resources is not exhaustive, nor is it necessarily a personal endorsement of the organizations listed, but it is a good place to start when you need help in dealing with bullying, abuse, intimidation, or the effects of other compulsive or addictive behaviors. It’s normal to be nervous when reaching out for help, but don’t let that hold you back. Be bold and courageous; contact someone on this list to help you. Begin today to do something that will bring about positive, Christ-centered change in your life, and in the lives of the people you love.
AMERICAN ASSOCIATION OF PASTORAL COUNSELORS
9504 A Lee Highway
Fairfax, VA 22031
phone: 703-385-6967
CANAAN LAND CHRISTIAN CENTER FOR WOMEN
2377 County Road 65
Marburg, AL 36051
phone: 334-365-9086
www.wrldnet.net
CANAAN LAND MINISTRIES
P.O. Box 310
Autaugaville, AL 36003-0310
phone: 334-365-2200
[email protected]
Ministry to men.
CELEBRATION MINISTRIES
Al Denson
222 West Las Colinas Boulevard
Suite 1750
Irving, TX 75034
phone: 972-501-1456
aldenson.com
Christian musician, author, and minister offers Bible studies, public school programs, and an on-line prayer request ministry.
CENTER FOR THE PREVENTION
OF SEXUAL AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
1914 N. 34th Street
Seattle, WA 98103
phone: 206-634-1903
Emergency: 800-562-6025
CHRISTIAN GROWTH CENTERS
P.O. Box 40
Hillsboro, NH 03244
phone: 603-464-5555
Specializes in helping young people who have been battered and fragmented through broken homes, drugs, alcohol, etc.
DORCAS HOUSE
phone: 501-274-4022
Specializes in helping women and children who are victims of domestic violence.
EXODUS INTERNATIONAL
P.O. Box 77652
Seattle, WA 98177
phone: 206-784-7799
fax: 206-784-7872
www.exodusintl.com
Equipping and uniting organizations to communicate freedom from homosexuality.
FAMILIES IN CRISIS, INC.
7320 Ohms Lane
Edina, MN 55435
phone: 612-893-1883
HOLY HIGHWAY
phone: 903-866-3300
Recommended for families with rebellious teenage girls.
LORD’S RANCH
Box 700
Warm Springs, AR 72478
phone: 870-647-2541
fax: 870-647-2337
LOST AND FOUND
phone: 303-697-5049
Help for those involved in drugs, alcohol, and sexual abuse.
MERCY MINISTRIES OF AMERICA
P.O. Box 111060
Nashville, TN 37222-1060
phone: 615-831-6987
fax: 615-315-9749
mercyministries.org
Mercy Ministries of America is a residential facility, provided free of charge, for troubled young women and unwed mothers between the ages of thirteen and twenty-eight, who are willing to commit six months to deal with life-controlling issues such as: pregnancy, drug and alcohol abuse, eating disorders, etc.
NATIONAL SCHOOL SAFETY CENTER
Pepperdine University
Malibu, CA 90263
phone: 805-373-9977
NEW CREATIONS
phone: 765-965-0099
Help for families with rebellious youth.
NEW HORIZONS MINISTRIES
1002 South 350 East
Marion, IN 46953-9502
Family and Christian character training.
NEW LIFE
phone: 800-NEW-LIFE
Counseling center and telephone crisis lines.
PARENTS ANONYMOUS
Contact:
Child Help USA
P.O. Box 630
Hollywood, CA 90028
A program for parents who already have or are afraid they might abuse their children.
RAPHA
4351 Shackleford Road
Norcross, GA 30093
phone: 800-383-HOPE
fax: 770-806-7641
www.raphacare.com
Rapha features Christ-centered, professional counseling for emotional and substance abuse, anxiety attacks, stress, unhealthy relationships, eating disorders, depression, drugs, alcohol, suicidal tendencies, etc.
REMUDA RANCH CENTER
One East Apache Street
Wickenburg, AZ 85390
phone: 800-445-1900
SHELTERWOOD
12550 Zuni Street
Westminster, CO 80234
phone: 800-584-5005
shelterwood.org
“Restoring families through Christian relationships.”
TEEN CHALLENGE INTERNATIONAL
P.O. Box 1015
No More Bullies Page 11
