by Sarah Dosher
Copyright 2013 by Sarah Dosher
Cover Design by Sarah Hansen of Okay Creations
Editing by Jennifer Roberts of Indie After Hours
Interior design by Fictional formats
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners of various products referenced in this work of fiction, which have been used without permission. The publication/use of these trademarks is not authorized, associated with, or sponsored by the trademark owner.
All rights reserved.
Table of Contents
Prologue
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter Twenty-Three
Epilogue
Acknowledgements
About the Author
To the two most important men in my life that demonstrate daily
the true meaning of the word Dad.
Harold and Kennon
Friday, August 7, 2009
There he was. The only boy I ever wanted. The only boy who made me want to think about forever.
Dean Haven.
He took off running, jumped onto the frayed rope, flew out over the murky river and caused a splash large enough to send the waves onto the shore where I sat wiggling my toes in the sand. We were surrounded by sunflowers that were almost as tall as me, but at barely five foot tall there wasn’t much in this world that didn’t look down on me.
We were the only two people in this secluded place. I didn’t have a clue where my brother was and I didn’t care. Dean and I weren’t left alone very often. I had no idea how I’d gotten so lucky, but I wasn’t going to question it. I’d dreamed of this day since the moment I had stopped believing that all boys had cooties.
The water was so brown that I couldn’t see him beneath the surface until he slowly emerged, his eyes focused on me and a knowing smile on his face. He swam to the shore and strutted toward me as if stalking his prey. Just watching him move closer made me weak in the knees. Flutters flew through my stomach as I watched the sun reflecting off of his wet chest and perfect abs.
He stood over me and blocked out the sun; the cool water dripped from his body onto my warm skin. My pulse quickened as I felt heat envelop me; I knew it was caused by more than this one hundred degree day. Dean slowly descended until his body hovered a few inches above mine; he lightly caressed my neck and chest with his soft fingertips. I looked into his dark eyes; I saw a burning desire that was just for me and I knew he saw the same desire in mine. This was a side of Dean I’d never seen before. I had dreamed of it many nights, but he’d never shown me any affection beyond being his best friend’s little sister. The way his body was pressed against mine, I knew he felt the same way I did. The smile he gave me melted my heart and sent goosebumps skating across my skin. He studied my lips like he was mesmerized with their every curve. Closing his eyes, he inhaled deeply and began to shorten the distance between our mouths. His perfect lips were so close that I could feel his breath on my mouth.
Suddenly, I saw my brother standing across the river, surrounded by sunflowers. He appeared to be shouting, but I couldn’t make out what he was saying until his voice was booming in my head.
“Lily, we have to go. Lily, can you hear me? Wake up, Lily, wake up!”
I bolted awake, completely confused. I quickly realized my perfect afternoon with Dean was nothing but a dream, as usual. Easton had his hands on my arms, shaking me, and I could tell by the look on his face that something was wrong.
“Easton, stop shaking me. I’m awake, let me go.” I tried to pry his hands off my upper arms.
“A big storm is coming. Get up! We have to go to the cellar now.” He turned, picked up my sneakers and threw them at me. “Now, Lily!”
“But I don’t hear the storm sirens,” I responded as I sat on the edge of my bed. I had zero desire to put my shoes on and make the five mile journey in the darkness and rain to the closest cellar.
“Gary England just showed the storm and said for everyone in and around Kolby to take immediate cover. The tornado has already touched down south of town.”
I took a deep breath to try and clear the cobwebs left behind from sleep, then quickly put my shoes on. “Where’s everyone else?”
Easton grabbed my arm and pulled me out of my room. “Dad isn’t here and Mom’s in bed. You get in the truck while I get her.”
I started to panic. “Easton, no. Don’t leave me. I’ll come with you.” I grabbed his hand. “C’mon.”
He stopped me. “No, Lily. Go now. We’ll be there in a minute.” He gave me a quick hug. “Go. I’ll only be a second.” I hurried out the front door while he ran to the back of the house to wake Mom.
The second I was out of the house, I was hit with pouring rain and large hail. It felt like hot pokers to my warm skin. Even with the small amount of light in our yard I could see the hail was blanketing the ground. It reminded me of the ice storm several years ago that knocked out power to our entire county for over a week. I could barely see the truck and had no idea how I was going to reach it.
I heard a loud rumbling. It sounded like a train was moving fast down the tracks by our house, but I saw no headlights. Suddenly the light in our yard went out, surrounding me in darkness.
I didn’t know where to go or what to do. I looked back to the front door, waiting for my brother to rescue me like he had my entire life, but he didn’t come. Without him I was frozen. The wind was so strong that I could barely stand and it was only getting stronger. I moved to grab the post on the front porch, but slipped on the wet surface and fell to the muddy ground below, landing on my stomach. I tried to climb to my knees, but was quickly blown off balance and stumbled to the edge of the yard, landing in the large ditch. The water was deep and I struggled to hold my head up. With the rain and hail hitting my face, and the water rushing over me, I struggled to breathe. I was fighting to climb out of the ditch so my brother could find me; he should be outside by now. I found my way to the edge and held on to part of the concrete culvert under our driveway, using the thick weeds as support.
The roar was deafening. The tornado was here.
The debris was flying all around me. My long hair was soaked and lashing at my face from the strong wind. Hail was striking every inch of my body. I tried to press myself against the culvert for protection, but the coldness from the rain was quickly numbing me. I could barely feel my hands as they gripped the crumbling concrete of the culvert. I curled my legs underneath me, hooking them around the weeds.
Living in Oklahoma, I’d been taught over and over what to do when a tornado hit. If only I had paid
better attention instead of daydreaming about Dean. My mind started to wander to Dean, Easton, even my mom. Were they safe? What if the tornado got them?
I woke to a sharp pain on the side of my head. I reached to touch it and realized there was a huge gash. It went from my forehead to just below my ear. I could feel blood pouring down the side of my neck, pooling in my already soaked tank top.
I was alive and that’s what mattered.
I couldn’t see any lights, not even the moon and stars. I knew I was still in the ditch because I could feel the thick weeds digging into my skin. I started yelling for my brother, but there was no response so I continued to yell until I started to feel nauseous and weak. I didn’t know how badly my head was hurt, but I knew I needed help.
It felt like I waited hours before I finally heard a vehicle approaching me on the muddy road. I heard a female voice screaming my name and knew it had to be my mom and Easton. I tried to stand, but immediately collapsed. I could hear someone sobbing and I was afraid it might be me. I finally saw a small figure in the stream of lights coming from a car. Large hands picked me up and carried me to a truck. I could hear voices, reassuring me everything would be okay, but all I could do was weep. I knew they had found me. My brother had finally found me and with him was where I felt safe.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
It had been four months since my world stopped turning, since everyone I loved and everyone I depended on was ripped away. I no longer had my brother, the one person I depended on for everything. He was my heart and without him I was nothing. I didn’t even have my mom. With all her faults and negligence, she had still been there for me when I really needed her. She had loved me, even if she was too selfish to let her own children interfere with her lifelong pursuit of pleasing my father.
My father was always absent from my life. His time was spent at the bar, or he’d be too drunk to even know he was at home with his family. But now, since my mom was no longer here to take care of him, he had become a mean and abusive drunk. I had no one to shield me from his daily torment.
My mom and brother were found in the master bedroom. There was so much debris that we didn’t know what had happened to them for days. When neighbors rescued me from the ditch that night, I thought it was my brother. I thought I was safe.
I’d never be safe again.
The town of Kolby was nearly destroyed that day. There was so much destruction and the town never fully recovered. We had to wait almost two weeks to hold funeral services for my mom and Easton because the funeral home was overrun with victims of the tornado. There was no one at the funeral to help me.
Dean was there. He missed part of his first week of college to come, or so his Grandma Violet told me, but he didn’t talk to me. He stood on the other side of the cemetery and then he just left. With Easton gone, Dean apparently had no reason to come near me again. Every memory from my childhood included Easton and Dean and now there would be no new memories with either of them.
I was fourteen years old and I was alone. All I had was a miserable, abusive father who would rather work his way to the bottom of a whiskey bottle than love or protect me. I was completely alone with no one to depend on, so I had to learn to depend on myself. I knew I’d never lose anyone again because I’d never allow anyone that close again.
I could protect myself. I had no other choice.
4 years later.
The day I pulled my head out of my ass marked a new life for me.
I was beginning a new chapter, four years in the making. I was leaving the safety of my college apartment and moving back to the town where memories haunted me.
I couldn’t pinpoint the moment that made me want to face my demons in Kolby. Maybe it was a result of four years worth of guilt, self-pity, and having spent those years trying to escape my past and all those I left behind. I knew I hadn’t earned closure or forgiveness, but I hoped to find a way to earn their trust back.
College had been a time of forgetting my past by involving myself in any activity that would numb my memories. Alcohol, partying, chicks...those were the best way to remove myself from my emotions. I knew that it was a well tested and totally cliché behavior that was constantly overused by all males with the emotional capacity of a toddler. But that was me and I was willing to admit it, no matter how much I wished it wasn’t true. Losing the people that you loved the most had a way of emotionally scarring a man beyond recognition.
It wasn’t until I stopped listening to the inner voice that haunted me and focused on what my heart truly wanted that it became clear those activities weren’t the only way to heal. My new path was leading me to the place where all my painful memories lived and I knew I had to face them in order to accept my role in creating them. I had to stop blaming the circumstances and start accepting the blame on myself, but I didn’t know if I was capable of doing that.
My Grandma Violet was the only person I had left and she had been trying to convince me to come home since the day I went away. Until now, I wasn’t ready to face them. Until now, my fears outweighed my desires.
Lily Grace…
I longed to see her face again since the day I walked out of her life. During the darkest hours it was only my memories of her that kept me alive. The role I played in causing her pain had also been one of the hardest for me to accept. I wouldn’t have survived those years of college - without Easton by my side - if Lily wasn’t in my every thought.
Driving into Kolby, I was shocked by how destroyed the town appeared. I hadn’t been back since the day of my best friend’s funeral. Most college students come home for holidays and breaks, but after saying goodbye to Easton all I had wanted to do was escape any ties I had to this town and the horrible events that occurred here. Staying true to my family nature, I ran and tried my damndest not to look back at those I’d abandoned.
Kolby didn’t even look like the same town and the rose colored glasses of my youth weren’t to blame. Every building was run down and most were completely empty with old newspapers covering the windows. If there hadn’t been people walking down the street it would have looked like a ghost town. Even the snow covering the ground on that January day was dirty.
It was no winter wonderland.
I spent the next hour driving the streets of Kolby, amazed at the level of destruction that still lingered. Kolby was merely a shell of what it once was.
I turned the corner that lead to Grandma Violet’s house and saw her black 1967 Chevrolet Impala pulling into the grocery store parking lot. Only those familiar with Kolby would know it was a grocery store, there was no sign distinguishing it from the empty buildings and it looked just as run down as the worst of them. I stayed at the stop sign and watched as Grandma Violet and Lily got out of the car and walked into the store. This was the first time I’d seen Lily outside of my dreams in four years and she looked exactly like I’d imagined she would after all this time.
Now seemed like as good a time as any to make my appearance; my grandmother’s presence made that decision a little easier. But how do you approach someone after four years, when they’ve been building a life without you, and ask for their forgiveness? I hadn’t figured it out yet, but that’s what I was going to do.
As I entered the small grocery store, I noticed the shelves were mostly bare and it was obvious that only the essentials were available. There was no way they had a problem keeping the meat cold - it felt colder inside the store than outside. I was greeted by a clerk behind the counter with a big smile and a friendly wave. She was wearing a huge pink coat with matching gloves and ear muffs.
I walked down the main aisle and found Lily looking at a candy display. She was dressed in a long black coat, trendy ripped jeans, black boots, and a black hat covering her ears. She was holding a package of peanut M&M’s and a Heath bar and she seemed to be trying to decide which one to buy. A memory rushed over me of Easton buying Lily chocolate at the convenience store near the school almost every afternoon. Apparently this was a habit s
he hadn’t been able to break. I was anxious to discover all the other ways that she was still the same girl I knew.
The closer I got to her, the sweatier my hands felt and I knew I had to be leaving a wet trail behind me. My heart felt like it was trying to jump from my chest to reach her faster than my nervous legs could carry me. She turned her head as I neared. We made eye contact for a brief second, but she seemed to look right through me and her attention went back to her M&M’s almost immediately.
I stopped dead in my tracks. She had to see me, right? Did she not see me? Does she not recognize me? Should I just leave? No, no, no. The doubting voices in my head had to shut up. I wouldn’t run this time. It was time for me to be a man and make amends for my past.
I approached her before I lost my courage and hightailed it back to the misery from which I’d come. I was only two feet away, standing on her left side, as she continued to battle over which chocolate she craved more at this moment. I closed my eyes and dug deep for that strength that had helped bring me back to her.
“Dean! There you are! I’ve been waiting for you, love.” My eyes snapped open as Lily turned, eye to eye with me. My Grandma Violet’s comment had distracted her from the inner chocolate battle.
I smiled at Lily and stepped back so I could see both women as I leaned to hug my grandmother briefly. “Hello, Grandma Violet. I saw your car outside and came in to find you.” I looked back to Lily, but I couldn’t decipher the expression on her face. Shock was very apparent, but I couldn’t decide if she was happy to see me or if she wanted to punch me. The look in her eyes made my stomach turn; she looked exactly like I had anticipated, except for her eyes. They were stormy, like they’d seen more miles of heartache than anyone her age should possibly witness.
“Well, dear, it’s about time you got here. We’ve been waiting for you. Right, Lily?” She gave Lily the biggest smile I’d ever seen.
