Lussuria (New Version)

by SJ Molloy

  He strokes my breasts, and then my face while I’m cradled into him. “Of course I want to. I’m so thankful that this has helped you. I love you, baby….”

  “I love you too.” I lean on my elbow to look up to him. “Lucca, there are things I have noted down which I just can’t talk about. I ask that you understand and don’t press me on it. I’m sorry I can’t tell you directly.” I look down in shame.

  He lifts my head and claims my mouth again until my lips feel bruised and he’s back on top of me for another session this time with more conviction; furious, hard and welcomed.

  Lucca calls down to the spa to make a reservation and then we freshen up, I put on a black shift dress while Lucca puts on jeans and a tailored grey shirt we grab our shoes. He walks me through the suite and hotel until we reach the spa.

  “You don’t need to stay. Go and read my journal, but please just keep an open mind. I’m so nervous about disclosing some of those things and of what your reaction will be. Please remember, Lucca, I love you.”

  He leans over to kiss me.

  “Nothing in there will change my feelings for you, I just want to understand, that is all.” He smacks my bum roguishly, then winks and walks away. Tania’s face is scarlet, we have made her uncomfortable. Politely and professionally she escorts me through the sweet scented tranquil spa area to the beauty rooms.

  I decide to have a French manicure and polish to my fingers and toes and some other waxing treatments and a facial. I notice the hair salon and ask if there is time for me to have a trim. Tania and her colleague Natalia are very professional and attentive filling me with champagne while they attend to the treatments, its very relaxing and I’m enjoying it. Natalia then washes, trims, dries and styles my thick wavy locks; she’s very good almost as good as Harriet my own hairdresser. Afterwards I feel refreshed and revitalized

  ****

  A nervous energy washes over me as I walk under the masterful decorated vaulted ceilings back to the suite. I’m worried about Lucca’s reaction to the journal entries. My stomach knots in two, and I twiddle my fingers tautly. I find Lucca slumped on a luxurious sofa in the library with a crystal decanter of amber fluid and my journal.

  Oh no. Please no don’t let him be…

  I watch him lift a crystal tumbler, then throw back the malted spirit. “Lucca what are you doing?” I panic. He doesn’t answer me; he just pours another full glass, throws that back, then shuts his eyes.

  “Stop it! Turn around and talk to me. You promised!” I yell at him. “I can’t watch you like this. Please, talk to me, I’m begging you. You promised me.”

  He rubs his forehead while shaking his head; his lips look swollen from where he has been biting them. His cheeks are rouge, his eyes are wild and wet, and he reeks of alcohol; he’s had more than a couple of drinks.

  “Lucca, I need you to talk. I can’t go through this again. You’re scaring me.”

  He slams his glass down, causing me to shudder. “I’m sorry,” is all he says, then grabs his suit jacket and storms through the suite. I freeze, not knowing wether to follow him or stay here. Panicking, I run after him and grab his arm, but he pulls away from me.

  “I can’t.”

  Not making eye contact with me, he storms through the gallery and slams the heavy ornate gilded door behind him.

  He’s sorry? He can’t?

  He’s leaving me.

  I fall in a pathetic heap on the floor, shivery, hysterical and frantic. Leaning onto my knees with my hands in my face, I realize it’s the first in over two weeks since I have broken down like this. My chest is tightening, my throat is constricting, and I’m flustering under the effects of my panic. Heady and breathless, I know I’m having an anxiety attack.

  I can’t talk? Or I can’t be with you?

  I’m so fucking stupid letting him read the journal! What a complete fucking idiot!

  Fuck!

  File S for Scared. Scared to be alone, and scared to lose him.

  “FUCK!!!!!!”

  I feel dizzy with anxiety. He promised me...

  How could he?

  I’m crashing and burning...no, I’m drowning. That’s what this is. I just don’t know what to do. I call him six times, but it goes on to voicemail. I sob through my messages, then call again and again shaking and chattering my teeth together nervously. I finally call Cameron, and tell him what has happened.

  “I’m so worried about him. I don’t know what to do,” I cry.

  Cameron tells me to call Marco to try and get a hold of him. “Lexi, I’ve read your journal. There is some pretty eye opening stuff in there, no wonder he’s went inferno on you. You need to let him cool off and give him time. He loves you. I don’t doubt it for a minute. He’ll come around.”

  I’m sobbing unconditionally into the phone. “I think he’s leaving me, Cameron. Why else would he storm off?”

  “He probably doesn’t want to hurt you by confronting you and causing you any more pain. I’ll try calling him, but you need to calm down. Breathe, Lexi, for fuck sake. ”Have you tried calling Marissa?”

  “No, she’ll worry and drive over here, and I don’t want to drag them into this,” I blurt out, fisting my turbulent stomach. He stays on the phone until he calms me down. When we hang up, I call and leave a message with Marco. He calls me back immediately, offering to come over which I’m entirely grateful for, but I convince him not to. I just want him to contact Lucca.

  I pour myself a glass of wine from the drinks cabinet to calm me, but I’m exhausted, shaky, and feel sick. I sit outside on a garden sofa hugging my knees into my chest and watching the sunset going down on my own. There is nothing tranquil about how I feel right now. I run my fingers over the journal and shake my head. How could I have thought this would help? I’m such an idiot.

  I look at my phone still no calls, so I call again and again. My tears have dried up, my eyes are sticking and my throat is tight and swollen; I lay my head down on the sofa and close my eyes once darkness sets in, losing myself to a restless sleep. I have the most haunting of dreams; a horrible vivid nightmare.

  I wake hours later when heavy arms lift me up and hold me tight.

  Lucca carries me back into the suite and into the bedroom. His shirt is open and rolled up at the sleeves, he looks exhausted...strained. He sits on the bed and cradles me into him, rocking me back and forth and stroking my hair.

  “Thank God you’re okay. Fuck, Lex, I’ve been worried sick. I’ve been pacing around the suite like a fuckin madman, I thought you had left. I didn’t realize you were outside behind the sofas. I was about to contact the police. I’ve already called Mr. Boveri the manager and gave the doorman a fucking grilling as he said you never left the suite. What are you thinking?” He kisses the side of my head.

  I’m speechless. I want to shout at him, rant and scream, but I can’t. I’m just thankful he’s holding me.

  Picking up a purple velvet throw, he wraps it protectively around me. “Where were you? Why wouldn’t you answer my calls or talk to me? I was frantic! I thought you were bailing on me,” I croak.

  “I’m so sorry, baby. I’d never leave you, I’ve told you that. I’ll never let go of you. I needed some air and I had to walk off my frustration. I switched my phone off, then walked around the city until I came across an open cathedral. I stumbled in and sat in silence for what seemed like hours, praying and trying to clear my head. I lit a candle for you, for your mother and for Cameron. I thought maybe I could make some peace with what’s happened to you.”

  His voice is breaking, so he swallows before continuing. “I couldn’t stay here in case I hurt you emotionally by breaking down in front of you. I was afraid of upsetting you.” His shoulders slump.

  He was protecting me from his anger.

  “Lucca, I was sick with worry. You really frightened me and I thought you were leaving,” I sob, clutching onto him.

  “No. Fucking. Way. I told you, you are my forever, my something special. I just couldn’t
handle...couldn’t stomach some of the things you wrote about. I’m thankful for your honesty, and I need to know about your life, but I love you far too much and it pained me terribly. I’m trying to get my head around it, but it will take some time. I can’t accept that you were subjected to that fucking torture, Jesus. I wish I could take it all away, dolcezza.”

  “When I calmed down and sobered up, I left the cathedral and listened to the voicemails. I had no idea where I was and I hadn’t taken my wallet with me. I fucking crumbled when I heard you crying. I listened to a message from Cameron saying you were having an anxiety attack and making yourself sick. I felt so fucking angry for leaving you like that. Baby, I’m so sorry. I just found it hard to comprehend that shit, and that’s why I had the whiskey. I wanted to forget what I had just read. I’m sorry, it’s no excuse, and I shouldn’t be turning to booze like that. I just can’t handle knowing those things happened to you, Doc. That you were put through that. It’s ripping my fucking heart apart.”

  I’m crying hysterically now, clutching my arms around his neck. Lucca has tears strolling down his face as he rocks me forward and back, entwining my hair in his fingers as he grasps me. “I don’t want you to talk about it if you don’t want to, but when you’re ready, I’m here for you. I will never let anything bad happen to you ever again. I promise.”

  “Lucca, the pain I felt when you stormed out that door crushed me more than any of that stuff in the journal. I couldn’t breathe thinking you were leaving me on my own forever. What you have done for me in the past few weeks nobody has ever been able to do. Please, don’t ever leave me. I love you, I need you and I need to be this close to you.”

  He places his palms over my cheeks and brushes away a loose curl from my face.

  “When I met you in the clinic that day at the club, I said I thought I’d met you before...I had a gut instinct.” I don’t know what he’s talking about. “I bumped into you in Casey Huddersfield’s office that horrendous December of the bad snow.”

  That was a long time ago, but yes, I do remember bumping into a dark stranger just before Christmas in the therapists office.

  The eyes. Lucca’s eyes.

  “I was ending my therapy sessions after Fran and I split, and to help accept the grief about losing my son,” he continues.

  “Lucca, I remember. I was mesmerized with the crystal clear brightness of your eyes and long dark eyelashes. I was really affected by you. I thought about you all the way home, I was angry with myself for letting a man get to me like that, but I was imprinted by you. When I saw you again in the club, I thought I recognized the sparkle in your eyes, but ignorantly dismissed the possibility that our paths were crossing again. ”

  “God, I wish I could turn the clock back. I wish I had left with you or encouraged you to stay. I asked Casey about you because I couldn’t get over your beauty and innocence. I was so obsessed and intrigued by you...hell, I still am. I asked Casey many times after that encounter to give me your name, but she refused, of course. Doc, I think we were meant to meet, that our paths were destined to cross. I will be your therapy now and always.”

  His eyes are filled with honest love.

  He already is my therapy.

  “Can I ask you something? You don’t need to answer me,” he nervously asks.

  “Yes, I want to be honest with you,” I reply.

  “Why did you tell me you were a virgin? That monster...that barbaric, fuckin psychopath...what he did to you…I just can’t…” He kisses me over and over, grasping me more tightly than he ever has before. He kicks his shoes off and pulls the sumptuous covers back, then climbs in still fully clothed, pulling me in with him. I snuggle into his neck and don’t let go.

  “I never told you I was a virgin. You assumed because I bled. I’ve never had sex as an adult consensually with a partner, so you were my very first experience if that can be perceived as the same thing. You gave me your heart, and I trusted you, so I wanted to give you that.”

  I take a deep breath before continuing. “He forced me as a child...was trying to copycat the unimaginable acts of his father….my father, and what he done to my mother. Michael parks despised me, resented me for being born, so he tortured me. He tied me up and photographed me for his evil pleasure.”

  Lucca’s tight grip around me has made it a little easier for me to express.

  Lucca’s body is stiff, and his face is chalk white. “Don’t tell me anymore. I can’t handle it just now baby, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all of it, but please believe that your future, our future, is getting brighter. That I’m sure of. I’ll do everything in my power to bring you light.”

  I place my hand on his heart and wrap my leg over his. We stay engulfed in one another, fully clothed, going in and out of sleep in this golden tower of a sprawling suite fit for royalty. We are not alone; we are surrounded by a presence of confessions, echoes of grief, and harrowing sombre memories.

  Chapter 27

  ‘Luminara’ – Lust, Love, Light

  The sun beams through the beautiful French doors the next morning. Sprawling my legs, I tighten my grip around Lucca’s chest, filling my lungs with his scent to ensure this is still very real. He is looking down at me with those loving, bedroom eyes. He trails his hands down my wavy hair down my back. I smile and rest my chin on his chest, rubbing my fingers across the buttons of his ruffled grey shirt.

  “I’m sorry about yesterday. I had no idea that I would react the way I did after reading your journal. I have a lot to make up for today, and I want it to be as special as possible.” He rolls his tongue in that sexy as hell Italian voice.

  “Lucca, I wish I never let you read that bloody thing. I thought it would help.”

  “It did help, but it wasn’t pleasant. In fact, I was sick at the thought, but I needed to know.” He leans on top of me, kissing me passionately. I crumble, fold and melt, clenching my sweet throbbing that’s aching for him. “Come on, we have a busy day ahead.” He pulls the cover back and jumps out the bed.

  No, No, No…

  Fuck!

  File L for lack. Lack of lust this morning.

  Mmmm.

  “Don’t worry, there will be lots and lots and lots of love later, I promise.” He grins, cocking his head with his sexy as hell smirk, showing his dimple.

  “Can we not just maybe have some loving now?”

  He kisses me. “God, you’re adorable. I’d love to have you now, but I want later to be extra special. Come on.”

  Well, I’m thoroughly pissed off now. I shower alone, a bit miffed that Lucca is not standing behind me. We normally shower together. It’s a strange sentiment being in here on my own. I dry off and walk through the suite with a towel wrapped around me. Lucca is sitting on a sofa making some calls and looking sexy as hell with his arm behind his head raising his top showing a hint of his rock solid rippled abs underneath. Core tease. I’m so used to him rambling about me being a cock tease that I never actually thought that he is, in fact, very much a core tease and my core is missing out on the action.

  I sit opposite him and cross my smooth legs, the towel lifting a little high at the thigh and leaving little to the imagination. He groans and seems distracted as he carries on with his phone call, grinning at me while I twiddle a wet curl of hair in my finger and moisten my lips nonchalantly. I walk back towards the bedroom, and he follows me.

  “I know what you’re doing. Stop fuckin teasing me, breakfast is on its way up. You are so fucking gorgeous, and I’d fuck you senseless right now, but we need to wait til later.”

  I decide to play another move. I shrug my shoulders as if I don’t care, then drop my towel and glance over my shoulder as I stroll into the ensuite facilities. I hear him groan. “Lexi, stop it. I can’t see you like that. You know I’ll have you, and I want to wait until later. Quit tormenting me!”

  I start applying my makeup. “Hmm,” is all I say as if I’m ignoring him. He mumbles something and storms into the suite. I smile into the mirror, satis
fied with my teasing antics. Who would have thought I could be such a playful siren.

  Teasing accomplished.

  Covering up in a luxurious robe, we sit in the garden area where we are served breakfast. I twiddle my hair nervously until the staff have all left before I can relax. I lift my feet up and sit them on the edge of the sofa next to me as I eat the caviar, eggs and salmon. I’m famished since not eating yesterday. Lucca reads the local newspaper while eating his breakfast, continuing to smile up at me. I watch the sun shine over his handsome face and it makes me melt, enjoying this surreal moment, in our ‘Garden of Eden’.

  Lucca makes a few calls, then leaves to walk back into the suite. “What’s up?” I ask.

  “Delivery”

  He puts his arms around my neck, leaning over to kisses my lips, then takes my hand and walks me back into the suite. There are four elegantly wrapped gift bags siting on the table in the foyer. “What’s that?” I ask.

  “One of many gifts of the day,” he announces.

  I sit on the regal looking sofa and open a huge Alexander McQueen box; a beautiful, orange, bustier, mini dress is wrapped up inside. It has a sweetheart neckline and thick straps around the neck with a sheer panel on the full skirt. I hold it up in front of me. “Lucca, it’s beautiful, thank you.”

  “I thought you’d suit this colour with your tanned skin.” He seems very pleased with himself.

  I open the other boxes. There is black, fine lace lingerie in one and a pair of black, patent honeycomb leather peep toe shoes with a gold winged skull brooch on them in the other. The last box has the matching clutch both from the Alexander McQueen collection. “I would have got you some more, but they won’t fit in your case for traveling home, so I’ll just have to wait to get you more when we go home,” he says confidently.

  “Don’t bother. I’m not living with you if you keep buying me stuff.” I cross my arms over my chest.

  “Fuck, Lexi stop getting me horned up with your fiery sexiness. I want to hold out until tonight.” I shake my head, trying to ignore the silly game he’s playing. He smacks my ass as I walk past, but I pretend not to notice.