“Been there, buddy.”
Cole’s face got serious, and Gunnar could practically see the memories flying through his friend’s brain at warp speed.
“Let me ask you this—you keep thinking you smell her perfume when you’re walking somewhere?”
Gunnar nodded, then shook his head.
“Your eyes look at her cabin every damn time you leave the barn?”
“Yep.”
“You can’t find your keys or your hat or your shoes, but you can picture every thread on the dress she was wearing the last time you were together?”
Gunnar sighed. “Shit.”
“Yep.”
“So what’d you do?”
“I went and got the girl. And damn, she’d gone for the hills, man. Jess had a lot of demons to slay before she could think about believing she deserved a happily ever after. I think your Lexi’s got a set of her own, but I also think…maybe you could help her. I have a feeling she’s the kind of woman who’d never believe a guy would come riding in on a white steed to her rescue, but maybe that’s exactly what she needs.”
Gunnar shook his head. “I don’t know. Not sure she’d trust the whole white steed thing.”
“Well, then, you might have to get a little more creative.” Cole stepped off the fence, motioning toward the stable. “Put Duke up for the night. Come join us for a couple of beers. Decker and I have been talking. Let the three lovesick bastards who came before you help you make a plan.”
Gunnar laughed, rolling his eyes. The thought of the four of them sitting at Salty’s bar discussing his romantic prospects was a vision he couldn’t quite get to gel, but when he thought about Decker and Kyla, or Cole and Jess, and even Daniel and Hayley, he saw three couples who’d gone through their own sets of hells to get where they were today. And where they were today was pretty frigging amazing.
Maybe…maybe they could help him.
—
That weekend, Lexi took a glass of lemonade and her sketchbook out to Mom’s porch, determined to find an hour of peace while Mom napped. The leaves on the maple next to the house were just starting to turn, and she wanted to see if she could capture the glow, even though she was working in black and white.
She opened her sketch pad for the first time since she’d left Montana, and was immediately assaulted by the first picture. Her stomach tumbled as she caught the red stable, the outline of a big black horse, the Crazies in the distance beyond.
And Gunnar.
She’d tried all summer to draw the man, to capture his essence on paper, and as she flipped slowly through her sketch pad, she realized she’d never quite managed. His half-smile was on one page, but the eyes were all wrong. On another page, she’d captured the twinkling amusement in his dark brown eyes, but hadn’t done his strong, gorgeous jaw justice. On yet another, she’d drawn his body perfectly, but it still didn’t communicate the strength, the soul, the man he was.
A drop of water splashed onto the page, and she swore, wiping her eyes. Some days, she was unbelievably thankful she’d had the opportunity to fall in love with him—because yes, it was pretty flipping clear now that that’s exactly what she’d done. Now she knew what it could feel like when it was real. It had been real, dammit. Despite the aborted phone calls and stilted conversations they’d finally seemed to give up on over the past two weeks, she hadn’t dreamed this summer. She hadn’t dreamed him.
On other days, she wished she’d never gotten on that plane in June, because the pain right now was almost too much to bear, and if she’d never met him at all, it would certainly be easier.
She sighed a shaky sigh, staring at the last sketch in her book—the one she’d been most proud of when she’d finished. When Gunnar had taken her out to Nagamoon Lake, he’d had no way of knowing she was watching him, cataloging his every move, watching the way the sunset played on his dark hair, in hopes she could capture it later on paper.
It had taken her days, but this page captured his essence better than any picture on the website. This was the real Gunnar, stripped of his cowboy persona, pointing out turtles and laughing as loons spooked her. This was the Gunnar who’d kissed her until her ribs had fallen away one by one, glad to expose her heart for his taking.
This was the Gunnar she’d loved, dammit.
This was the Gunnar she’d never have.
With a deep, resolute breath, she turned the page and reached down into her bag for her charcoal pencils. When she came back up, a shadow fell across her pad.
A shadow shaped very much like a man.
Chapter 22
Lexi shaded her eyes, her mouth falling open as she looked up.
“Hey, Alexis.”
“T-Tristan?”
“I thought I’d probably find you here.” He put his hands in his khaki shorts, looking uncomfortable. “I hope I’m not interrupting.”
Lexi forced her mouth closed. He looked the same, but somehow different. Or maybe it was just that she was looking at him with different eyes.
“Um, no. You’re not. What—where—are you…back? Here? In York?”
Fantastic. Her head couldn’t even form sentences. But really? Now? Of all times? Tristan had decided to show up, out of the blue, on her mother’s flipping porch?
He pointed at the wicker chair next to her. “Mind if I sit?”
“Sure. I mean, no.” She shook her head quickly. “I mean, sit.”
His serious face broke for a second, but then he sat, elbows on his knees, hands clasped in front of him. “I heard about your mom. I’m really sorry.”
“Thank you. She’s doing okay.”
“And you’re—here? Living with her now?”
“Temporarily. Sort of.” Lexi waved her hands vaguely. “Katie and I are trading off.”
He nodded, but didn’t say more.
She waited him out for a long thirty seconds, but finally broke. “Why are you here, Tristan? You haven’t even spoken to me since you left.”
“I know.” He formed his features into a pained expression, but she wasn’t sure whether it was genuine. “And I’m really sorry about that.”
She waited again. It was kind of refreshing to have nothing to lose.
Finally, he spoke. “I spent the summer doing a lot of thinking.”
The first words that leaped to her head were Congratulations, idiot, but she reined them in before they escaped. Instead, she just raised her eyebrows, listening.
“You must hate me right now.”
“Hate’s a strong word.” She looked straight at him. “But yes, you’re close.”
“I’m sorry, Alexis. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I left. I’m sorry I ever asked you to marry me in the first place.”
She looked away, blowing out a frustrated breath, because really? Could she feel any worse, thank you?
He shook his head. “That’s not how that was supposed to come out.”
“I can imagine.” She closed her eyes. “Look, I don’t know how much you know about what’s going on in my life right now, but you coming here to remind me that you never loved me, shouldn’t have asked me to marry you, were right to back out before we made a monumental mistake? Not entirely what I need to hear.”
“That’s not—”
She put up a hand. “Listen, Tristan. I get it. I was the good-enough-for-now girl, and I didn’t see it for what it was. I’m glad you backed out. I am. Because you weren’t done looking, and it would have been pretty flipping awkward if you’d continued to do so while you had a ring on your finger.”
She broke off, remembering Tristan’s reluctance to even go ring shopping.
“But actually, you weren’t planning to wear a ring, anyway, so never mind.”
“Alexis—”
To his credit, he really did look pained as he tried to talk, but dammit, she’d had enough. She’d cried buckets of tears for him back in the spring, and he hadn’t deserved one of them.
“I’m pretty sure you said everything that needed sayi
ng in your letter, which—just saying, in case it comes in handy in the future—is a cowardly, lousy way to break up with a girlfriend, let alone your fiancée, whether you ever intended to have a fiancée or not.”
“I know.”
“And in case you’re wondering, I haven’t been sitting around all summer pining for you to come back.”
“I know. You sent videos.” He tried to hide the smile sneaking up his face, but couldn’t quite do it. “It actually looked like you were having a lot of fun.”
“I was.” She sighed. “I did.”
“I was surprised, to tell you the truth.”
“What? That I had fun?” She tipped her head, feeling anger boil.
“No.” He put up his hands defensively. “That you…went out there at all.”
“Well, maybe you don’t know as much as you think you know about me.”
“I can’t believe you did all that stuff out there. Rock climbing? Kayaking? You’re like a new woman, Alexis.”
Lexi thought back to the first few weeks at Whisper Creek, when she’d been so desperate to prove to Tristan that she could, too, be wild and crazy and fun. She thought of the posed pics she’d sent—some of them taken by Gunnar, who’d never looked happy about it—and she was embarrassed.
Her best times at Whisper Creek had been the quiet nights in her cabin, the peaceful walks to the creek, the zinging, zapping energy of being within ten feet of Gunnar Steele. They’d had nothing to do with being anybody different from who she already was.
It was just that it had taken Gunnar to show her that who she was…was just fine.
“I’m the same person you broke up with, Tristan.”
He shook his head. “No, you’re not. That woman wouldn’t have gone all out like that. At first, I was afraid maybe you were doing those things for me—you know—to show me what I was missing or whatever. But after that karaoke video, you stopped, and then I couldn’t help but wonder what antics you were up to out there.”
“And you were intrigued?” Lexi felt her eyebrows rise. Of course he had been. Because she’d been trying to pretend she was exactly what he’d always wished she was.
“Yeah, Alexis. I was. And the longer I was away from you, the more I—I missed you. It’s taken me a long time to figure this out, and I’m not proud, but…I think I made a colossal mistake. I never, ever should have left you.”
Lexi was silent for a long, long moment, staring out at Mom’s birdhouses, processing the words she’d been dying to hear for those first few weeks after he’d left. Then she took a deep breath.
“You know what, Tristan? I don’t think you did make a mistake.”
“What?” He looked taken aback.
“I think, actually, that you leaving was probably the best possible thing that could have happened to me.”
“Well, I can see that it maybe kind of got you moving in a new direction, but—”
Oh, you don’t know the half of it, buddy.
“Yeah, it definitely did.”
“So, this new direction—could it possibly also mean a fresh start? For us?” He reached for her hand, and she let him, because she wanted to feel her hand in his. She wanted to see if it made her want to fall to her knees, wanted to see if it sent zapping arcs of possibility up her arm and through every nerve ending in her body—like Gunnar’s touch did.
It didn’t.
It was warm and comfortable and…boring. This hand had touched her, loved her—she’d thought—and had said goodbye. Sort of. And now? It did…nothing.
If she hadn’t already been so depressed, she might have smiled at that realization. She’d spent so, so many nights praying for Tristan to come back to her, to realize he’d been an idiot…to ask her for another chance.
Here were her prayers on a silver platter…and all she wanted was to send that platter right back to the kitchen.
She took a deep breath, pulling her hand back to her lap. “You know, when you left, all I wanted was for you to come back. I didn’t understand, and I was hellishly mad at you for leaving the way you did.”
“I will continue to apologize for that for the rest of my life. I promise. Just think—it’ll make a great story for the grandchildren.”
Lexi closed her eyes, a sudden pain slicing through her chest. Was this…it? Was this her destiny? A man who half-sort-of-maybe loved her, but only because he thought she was somebody different? A man who’d come back, after all?
A man who was…here?
When Gunnar never would be?
Tristan stood up, taking both of her hands and pulling her up with him. The breeze blowing off the ocean sent her hair across her face, and he tenderly tucked it behind her ear.
“Can you just say you’ll think about it? Please? I know I’m here out of the blue, and I know you never expected me to come back, but I’m here, and I love you, and if you’ll give me another chance, I promise not to let you regret it this time.”
“Tristan—”
“Shh.” He put his finger to her lips. “Don’t answer. Just think about it, okay?”
He squeezed her hands and kissed her on the cheek, then let go and turned to walk down the driveway to his Lexus. She watched him go, her mind tumbling. When the taillights had disappeared around the corner, she sat back down, closing her eyes.
What the hell was she supposed to do with this?
And why, why couldn’t it have been Gunnar’s shadow that had fallen over her instead?
Chapter 23
“Take him back? Is he nuts?” Katie cracked open a beer later that night after she and Lexi had settled Mom into bed. They sat on the wide front porch where Tristan had pulled his reappearing act, and the breeze was just strong enough that Lexi imagined she could hear the waves hitting the beach a mile away. “You said no, right?”
“Not—exactly.”
“Please tell me you’re not considering it.”
“I’m not.”
Katie turned toward her. “Then why didn’t you say no?”
“I think I was too shocked, to be honest. I mean, there I was, sitting there mooning over pictures I’d drawn of Gunnar, and then Tristan appeared. And for a wild, weird moment, I thought maybe it was Gunnar, even though that’s insane, because he’s in Montana.” She shivered, even though it was still seventy-five degrees out. “I don’t know. It was just too…weird.”
Suddenly Katie laughed. “I have to admit, I’m kind of surprised he asked you, after seeing that karaoke video.”
Lexi tossed a piece of balled-up paper at her. “Shut up.”
“Is this one of those be careful what you ask for things? I mean, I know you probably asked all the gods you could think of to bring him back, right?”
Lexi sighed. “Feels like a lifetime ago that I did.”
“I think it feels like a cowboy ago.”
“That, too.”
Katie picked at the label on her beer bottle, looking like she was trying to figure out what to say. Finally, she spoke.
“Lex, do you wish you could go back?”
“Every minute of every day, yes.” Lexi frowned, surprised she’d come out and admitted it to Katie. “Sorry.”
“Do you hate Mom for ruining your chances with Gunnar?”
“Of course not, Kate. It’s not Mom’s fault.”
“Do you hate me?”
“What?”
Katie shrugged carefully. “Well, if I was—you know—a different person, one more like you, maybe you could go. I can’t help but be afraid you resent not only Mom, but me.”
“I don’t resent you, Kate. I resent the situation. I resent the hell that is Alzheimer’s, and I resent the fact that I got such a precious, beautiful taste of what could be…and then had to let it go before I got to know more. But I don’t resent you. None of it’s your fault.”
“I wish—I wish I could be more like you, so you could go back out there. But omigod, Lexi, I’m just not. The thought of you leaving gives me nightmares.”
“I’
m not going anywhere, Katie.”
“I know, but before this summer, you never had anywhere you wanted to go. You were my rock—the thing that would never change. And then you went out there, got your socks knocked off by this Gunnar character, and now…you’re different.”
“I’m the same person.” Lexi felt her eyebrows furrow. This was the second time today she’d had to make the same argument.
Katie studied her. “You’re not, Alexis. You’re not at all.”
“I don’t know, Kit-Kat. I’m not sure I even know who I am anymore.”
“Do you think—is there any chance—would Gunnar ever consider moving here, do you think?”
Lexi laughed bitterly. “No. Can you really picture a Montana cowboy fitting in around here?”
“Well, I mean, maybe. If he loves you. You don’t think he’d even consider it?”
“No, and I wouldn’t want him to. Really. He spent his entire life getting yanked around the country, and it took him till he was twenty-five to have anything he could call roots. He doesn’t have any family to speak of—that he’s in contact with, anyway—so the Driscolls are his family. He has land, Kate. Ma sold him a piece of her own property so he can build a house and stables someday.”
She sighed, realizing that no, there was absolutely no way she’d ever be able to rip him away from all of that, even if she was lucky enough for him to offer. He’d waited a long, long time to have his dream, and he was so damn close. He had land. He had a family. And he was settled in the part of the country he loved with his entire being. He’d never be happy anywhere else, and she’d never ever presume she could ask him to try to be.
“There’s land here, too, Lexi.” Katie’s voice was quiet, almost a reprimand.
Lexi shook her head. “You can’t understand unless you’ve been there. When you walk onto that ranch, it’s like a—a giant hug. I know that sounds ridiculous, but honestly, you can feel the whole place wrap around you. You come in a stranger, and within days, you feel like you’ll probably be invited to the next family wedding. They’re so close that they’d defend each other to the death against an outside threat…but they’re so open at the same time. Ma is just so happy when people fall in love with her ranch and her family.”
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