by J. Bengtsson
“Good.”
“Are you getting tired?”
“Nope, doing good. Don’t you worry.”
“I’m not worried. You’re a decent driver,” I joked.
He curled his lip up.
“Are we stopping soon?”
“In about an hour. How’s Jake?”
“Sleeping. He looks a lot better and he isn’t feverish anymore.”
“Good.”
“How about some company?”
“I wouldn’t mind some,” Lassen mumbled.
I settled in the chair next to him and we chatted for the hour until he pulled the bus into the arena parking lot. After we were parked, Lassen and I went to the kitchen and got some food. We continued talking. Lassen was a really interesting guy. At fifty-eight, he had really lived the life, driving for some of the biggest musicians in the business. With the stories he had, Lassen could write a best-selling book. But he was loyal to his former employers and would never divulge the names of the people we were talking about.
A while later Jake walked in, looking all scruffy but wearing a lop-sided smile on his face. “Are you having a party without me?”
“Yep. A grilled cheese sandwich and glass of milk party. Very trendy.”
“I can see that. You mind if I join?”
“I don’t know. What do you think Lassen, do we have room for ‘sickie’ here?”
Lassen laughed. He shoved the last of his sandwich in his mouth and stood up. “Party’s over for me. I need to sleep. Have a good concert tonight. Don’t pass out in the middle of a song,” Lassen patted Jake on the shoulder and winked at me.
Jake’s mouth dropped open in shock when he saw Lassen’s wink. “What the hell is going on here?” He questioned. “I feel like I’m in an alternate universe right now. Since when are you charming?”
“Since you brought home a girl worth charming,” Lassen said as he walked away.
“Thanks for keeping me company,” I called out.
He waved but didn’t look back.
Jake grinned as he watched Lassen disappear behind the partition. “You two are getting friendly. Do I need to worry?”
I laughed. “You don’t have to worry about anyone.”
Jake looked at me for a moment then smiled his lop-sided grin.
“What about you and your nurse?” I teased.
“Geez, I know. How unprofessional was that?”
“I was afraid to leave you alone with her when you were out cold.”
“You didn’t, I hope.”
I laughed. “I have to admit, she totally intimidated me.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. She kind of looked at me like I was a bug she wanted to squash. When you aren’t around to defend our relationship, I guess I just feel like a gold-digging groupie.”
“Casey,” Jake admonished. “All that matters is what you and I know.”
“True but it can still be intimidating at times. Especially when you throw a hot nurse into the mix.”
Jake shook his head. “You don’t get it, Casey. You’re all I see.”
I smiled at him. No guy had ever made me feel as special as Jake did…or as insecure. There was so much to say but it would have to wait.
“What time is the concert?” I asked, changing the subject.
“Eight.”
I laughed. “You realize you’re on in an hour and a half?”
“Yes. That’s why I woke up.”
“I’m just surprised people haven’t started pounding down the door.”
“That should be happening in about 5 minutes.”
I smiled. “Are you feeling better?”
“Yeah, I’m a little out of it, but the pain is nearly gone.”
“Thank God. You had me scared.”
“I know. Sorry.”
There was a knock on the door. We both looked at each other then laughed.
“Right on cue.”
I nodded. “Are you sure you can do this tonight?”
Jake shrugged. “I guess we are about to find out.”
He got up and went to the door and let Marcy in.
“Hey sweetheart. How are you?” She asked.
“I’m hanging in there.”
“Don’t take this the wrong way but you look like shit.”
Jake laughed. “I know.”
“I have your clothes here,” she said patting a bag. “Do you want to shower here or in the arena?”
“The arena.”
“Are you ready to head over then?”
“Yep.”
“Are you coming?” Jake asked me.
“Yeah, I’m just going to shower and change.”
“Okay I’ll see you there,” Jake said, then bent down and kissed me.
Jake performed that night and you’d never know he’d spent the better part of the day in the hospital. I think he felt the need to prove to the naysayers that everything was fine. He was definitely a pro.
After the concert we came back to the bus and it was on to the next city. As Lassen drove, Jake and I hung out in the kitchen. We chatted like we had before he got sick. It was so fun and easy. I felt so happy. Our connection was back and as strong as ever.
Jake surprised me by bringing up the injury to his knee.
“Are you…uh…okay with what I told the doctor today? You looked a little freaked out.”
I paused before answering him. “No, I’m not okay. I just can’t believe he would do that to you.”
Jake didn’t say anything.
“It’s just, you’ve never talked about the kidnapping to me, ever…and then, out of nowhere, you drop an atomic bomb on me.”
“I know.” Jake nodded. “Sorry. I should have prepared you. It’s just hard for me…I just don’t…um… can’t…talk about it.”
I paused when he said ‘can’t’. My heart ached for him.
“I just don’t get how you can be the guy I know but have this whole horrible past just lurking in the background. How do you separate the two?”
Jake shrugged. “I don’t know. I used to not be able to separate them at all and I was so miserable but, over time, I had to, or I wouldn’t have survived.”
“So when you’re with me are you hiding your past or is it not really a factor?”
“I think a little of both. It’s been ten years so the passage of time has made things easier, I guess. And overall I’m a happy guy. I love my life. I have a great job, a great girl. But sometimes the past won’t let me be happy.”
“Is that something that will affect our future?”
Jake sighed. “I can’t answer that. I don’t know. I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to be sorry Jake. I just want to know what I’m up against because I’m prepared to fight for you…even when you try to push me away.”
Jake looked away. “I want to be a better man for you Casey. I really do.”
“I already think you’re a better man, Jake. I don’t want you to change. I just want you to be at peace with who you are.”
Jake’s eyes softened, “Thank you, Casey.”
“For what?”
“For accepting what can’t be changed.”
I touched his hand and gazed into his eyes. “You look tired.”
“I’m exhausted even though I’ve been sleeping almost all day.”
“Well I’m thinking it might have something to do with the fact that you’ve spent the past week in excruciating pain, then spent the wee hours of the morning in the hospital followed by a high energy, two-hour concert.”
Jake grinned. “Yeah, maybe that is it.”
We retreated to the bedroom. When we lay down, Jake opened his arms and I snuggled into him. He hadn’t wanted to cuddle with me for at least a week. It felt so good…like I had him back. Jake didn’t say anything but kissed my forehead a few times. I just enjoyed the closeness.
Then out of the darkness, and out of the silence, came the three words I’d wondered if I would ever hear from Jake
. “I love you.”
My heart felt ready to explode. I sought out his eyes. He was looking at me with such tenderness.
“I love you too, Jake. I’ve loved you since the day we met.”
Jake smiled. His eyes were heavy. He didn’t say anything else before sleep took him. I lay awake playing those three words over and over in my head. He loved me. No matter what else happened, Jake loved me.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Jake
I woke up the next morning feeling better than I had in weeks. The throbbing was gone in my knee and the dark cloud that had been hanging over me had dissipated. Last night I told her I loved her. It was something I’d been feeling for a long time but, for some reason, couldn’t convince myself to admit. But after everything that had happened last week, she needed to know. I loved her. She loved me. The rest should have been easy. But, as with everything else in my life, nothing ever came easily.
The goddamn flashbacks plagued me with doubt and worry. My ability to be intimate with Casey was in question and it was something I couldn’t just ignore. If we were going to move past the problem than I had to admit to Casey the truth behind the flashbacks and tell her what triggered them. But, in order to do that, I had to admit things to Casey that I wasn’t sure I could.
“You okay?” Casey asked. Her face was crunched up with worry. I had no idea that she was awake and watching me.
“I’m…yeah,” I stumbled on my words.
“Do you regret what you said to me last night?”
“No. I love you Casey. There is no reason to regret that.”
She smiled up at me. “I love you too. I have wanted to tell you for so long but I didn’t want to scare you off. Sometimes you seem so skittish.”
I sighed. “I know. All this is new to me. For a long time I didn’t think I had the capacity to love another person like this. You kind of blew into my life like a hurricane and turned everything upside down.”
“Wow, you make me sound so charming,” she teased.
“In a good way, Casey. I needed my life to be shaken up. I was too stuck in my ways. Too lost in my head. You woke me up. You showed me that I could love.”
“Why would you think you couldn’t love?”
Honest or not? Do I tell her how I really feel? I love her and she deserves to know.
“Because…” I hesitated. “I have so much hate inside me that I didn’t think there was enough room for love.”
Casey sat up. She grabbed my hand then nodded and said, “You hide it well.”
I nodded.
We sat in silence for a minute.
Then Casey lifted my hand and kissed it. “Well then I guess we will just have to fill up that space with so much love that there is no more room for the hate.”
“I don’t know if it’s possible Casey. The things he did…I don’t think I can let it go.”
“No one benefits from your hate,” Casey whispered. “He’s dead.”
“I know. I killed him.”
Casey nodded but didn’t seem shocked or even concerned.
“That doesn’t scare you?” I asked in disbelief.
“No.”
“Well it scares the shit out of me. I know exactly what I’m capable of.”
Casey shrugged. “Anyone is capable of killing if they are pushed far enough.”
How could she be so nonchalant about my admission? I killed someone…albeit a sick, twisted serial killer, but still. “I don’t believe that it doesn’t scare you just a little. There are a lot of people out there who think I’m a cold blooded killer.”
“But you know you aren’t. I know you aren’t.”
“But how do you know?”
“Because Jake, you’re a good person with a kind heart. It isn’t your fault that you were put into a position where you had to fight for your life. If you hadn’t done what you did that day there would be no ‘you’. And if there were no ‘you’, there would be no ‘us’. And if there were no ‘us’ well, that would just be a goddamn shame.”
Chapter Twenty-Three
Casey
We arrived at our next location and checked into a hotel. Jake had a much-needed day to rest before his show the following night. We decided to order in and just relax. Jake had slept more than usual after his hospital stay. After our talk earlier in the day, Jake seemed a little sad. I wished I could make him believe that I loved him unconditionally and that what happened in his past did not need to affect our future.
Since arriving at the hotel Jake had been on the phone. I didn’t know who he was talking to but he’d asked for privacy and I gave it to him. When he finally came out of the bedroom, he seemed more upbeat.
“Everything okay?” I asked.
“Yeah. I was talking to a surgeon in the states.”
I looked at him in surprise.
“We were discussing my options…for my knee. He’s one of the best orthopedic surgeons in the country. He specializes in knee replacements. He has agreed to fly to Los Angeles and operate on me. They have these new state of the art knees now. He thinks it would really improve my mobility and maybe even help with the pain.”
“That is great. When would this happen?”
“In October or November. We will set a date once I get back,” Jake said then hesitated.
“What is it?” I asked, in concern.
“Um…here’s the thing. If he gets in there and decides that a new knee won’t really benefit my situation, then another doctor would be prepared to amputate.”
“Wait…what?” I replied in shock. “You’re having you leg amputated?”
“Well, hopefully it won’t come to that but, yeah, it’s a possibility that I need to be prepared for.”
I shook my head. “I just, I don’t understand. This is so sudden.”
“It’s not sudden. Because of the nature of my injury, amputation has always been a risk. My parents refused it when they were presented with that option after the kidnapping. They hoped I would regain normal use of my knee over time. That hasn’t happened. Casey, I’m tired of fighting this knee. I fucking hate it. I hate that every time it hurts I have to remember how it got this way.”
“How did it get that way? What could possibly have happened that would cause that asshole to shatter your kneecap with a sledgehammer?” I asked.
Jake sat there for a few seconds. Obviously he was deciding if he was going to share such personal information with me. Then, to my surprise, he murmured, “I tried to escape. That was my punishment.”
I blinked back my shock then shook my head and whispered, “Jake.”
We sat there silently for a moment.
“I can’t even imagine the pain. It must have been unbelievable.”
Jake didn’t respond. He looked upset so I didn’t push it. I was feeling sick to my stomach just thinking about what Jake was not saying.
“Where would they amputate?” I asked, solemnly.
“Above the knee. I won’t have a natural bend anymore so my mobility will be limited. This might be my last tour.”
Tears immediately filled my eyes. “You love touring. You’re an amazing performer.”
Jake shrugged. “I’ve been performing for seven years straight. I need a break anyway. And it’s not like I will stop being a musician, I’ll just have to be a little more creative about it.”
I was trying to take it all in. “I can’t help but worry that you’re doing this for me because of what we talked about earlier.”
“No,” he said taking my hand. “I’m doing this for me.”
“Well if you want to do something nice for yourself, get a massage or something. Don’t have your leg cut off,” I replied, with a miserable smile.
Jake shook his head. “It’s not like I’m choosing this. Trust me this surgery is going to suck either way but it has to be done at some point. The recovery for knee replacement is gnarly. It takes months and is really painful. If I’m not going to see a huge improvement, I just don’t see a point of pu
tting myself through it, you know. The amputation, yeah it will be rough, but eventually the pain will fade.”
“But you won’t be able to live this life anymore,” I gestured around us.
“I don’t care. I don’t need it.”
I stared at him skeptically.
Jake sighed. “My knee holds me back, Casey. It tethers me to the past in a way that isn’t healthy. I mean you saw what happened last week. I’m doing this to improve my quality of life…to improve our quality of life. I want us to get married someday and have kids and be happy. I can’t do that until I get this taken care of.”
I nodded, squeezing his hand. “You’re the bravest man I’ve ever known.”
Jake didn’t say anything.
“And you’re pretty damn hot too.”
Jake grinned. I think he was relieved that I changed the subject. “Speaking of hot, are you purposely wearing those shorts to get a rise out of me?”
“If you’re rising it’s your own damn fault,” I smiled.
“Your asscheeks are practically hanging out!” Jake exclaimed. “I’m only human.”
“Then come and get it,” I offered.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Jake
I picked Casey up and dropped her unceremoniously on the bed. I was on her straightaway and we were kissing feverishly. As we urgently stripped the clothes off our bodies a moment of anxiety gripped me. It was going to happen again and then she was going to see what a freak I was. Stop! Dammit! Why couldn’t I just stop thinking and just enjoy being with her. Why did I always have to worry about Ray joining us?
As if sensing my apprehension, Casey whispered, “Talk to me Jake.”
“It’s nothing.”
“Is there anything I can do differently?”
“No,” I said, letting frustration creep through me. I sat back up. “It’s not you Casey. It’s…”
“What?” Casey asked, looking at me with such love, that all my defenses fell.
“It’s him,” I sighed.
Casey sat back up too. “Ray?”
I didn’t answer. Silence filled the gaps.
“Do you mean Ray?” Casey tried again.
I nodded and took a deep breath.
Casey ran her fingers through my hair then laid her forehead against mine.
