by M.A. Stacie
“You messed up. It affected your brother in ways I can’t imagine, but at some point you need to resolve the hurt and move forward.”
“So easily done,” he responded sarcastically.
“Ten years! It’s been ten years. That’s a fucking long time to hate yourself,” I pointed out, wishing I hadn’t as he pushed passed me and thundered into the living room.
“Jonah, you can’t keep ignoring me.”
“I can,” his mumble was so low that I barely heard it. In some ways, I wished I hadn’t. My heart began to crack, my chest tightened in pain.
“What happened to you in the space of a few short hours? Last night you let me hug you. You allowed me to kiss you. At one point you reached out for me. Why are you being like this now?”
I knew what the answer was; it was because I’d admitted to falling for him. Tears began pricking the back of my eyes, and my throat closed so tight that I found it hard to swallow.
He coughed as he leaned over the kitchen counter, baring his back to me again. His muscles were taut. The hooded figure tattooed on his ribs was more sinister than ever. I shivered and wrapped my arms around my waist.
“I’m doing this because I should never have taken it this far. I’ve involved you in something that I shouldn’t have. I just couldn’t help myself, especially after you spoke to me. Then there was your attack... ”
“Don’t,” I whispered.
“Yeah, it’s not nice when someone wants to discuss experiences that you’d rather forget, is it, Elle?”
I could hear the sneer in his words. I didn’t need to see his face to know that his lips were curling in disgust.
This was going nowhere fast as Jonah was now firmly in his shell. He would do everything he could to keep me from getting any closer.
How many times was I going to let this happen?
Was this precarious relationship really worth the heartache? Could I really be so lonely that I’d continue to accept this rejection from him?
Resolve sluiced like ice cold water, putting out the fire in my blood and giving me perfect clarity. My voice shook, along with my body, when I spoke. I pushed past it, saying what I needed to, “I’m leaving. I can’t do this anymore. I’m not a doll. You can’t keep picking me up and cuddling me, only to toss me aside a few moments later. I won’t be your emotional blankie.” His shoulders sagged. “I thought we were heading somewhere, thought we were growing closer. It turns out I was wrong. I’m not sticking around and allowing you to continue trampling all over my heart.”
“Your heart?” Jonah croaked.
“Don’t pretend you didn’t know. It’s the reason you’ve shut down. I started to fall for you the moment you opened your mouth, Jonah. My feelings have continued to grow as I’ve gotten to know you, spent time with you. I don’t know where you thought this was heading, but obviously we aren’t on the same page. I’m sorry it has to be this way.”
I staggered to the door, remembering I hadn’t worn any shoes but needing to find my keys.
Jonah must have turned and seen my struggle, because he growled, “Your keys are in the bowl near the door.”
I rushed over, snatched them up, and turned the door handle.
“I’m sorry, Red.”
I stared out at the empty corridor, sadness consuming my system. “I believe you, but I don’t think you’re sorry enough. If you were, you’d understand what you’re losing by allowing me to walk out of this door.”
“I do understand that.”
“No, you don’t. I’m not making myself a doormat here, but Jonah, if you need me... if you have another... attack, then call me. You have my number. I’m only downstairs. Goodbye.”
I stepped into the corridor and pulled the door closed, hearing a strangled “Elle” as I closed it completely. I walked down the stairs to my apartment, my body numb and unable to process my feelings any longer. I’d opened my heart up, knowing Jonah had secrets. And though I’d been willing to help him with them, there is only so much one person can take. Tears threatened to spill. My chest ached as I took step after slow step over to my front door. I was so absorbed in my own little world that I didn’t even see my neighbor clutching Meow.
“Another night at that young man’s, Elle?”
I stared at her, the words she’d spoken taking longer than usual to register.
“Honey, are you okay? You’re looking very pale, and where are your shoes?”
I reached out, stroking Meow and wanting nothing more than to curl up in bed and cuddle with him for comfort.
“I’m fine. Jonah and I had an argument. It’s kind of upset me. It’s nothing serious. You don’t need to worry about me, Mrs. Kindle.”
She made a sucking sound with her teeth, shaking her head and pursing her lips. “Silly girl, you’re here all alone. Of course I’m going to worry about you. Your Momma wouldn’t want you in that apartment crying away to yourself, would she?”
“Actually, I think talking to my Momma is just what I need right now.” I took Meow from her, my heartbeat slowing as I petted him. “I didn’t mean to scare you. I just need a shower and chat. Thank you.”
Mrs. Kindle tapped my arm and shot me a weak smile then let me enter my apartment. It was in the same state of disarray that I’d left it yesterday. I mumbled, looking around at the mess before taking action. I placed Meow on the floor, watching him sulk off into my bedroom, and after picking up a trashcan, I began purging all the garbage from my life. Granted, I couldn’t remove the heartache I was currently feeling, but I could make my life as new and as pure as possible, because maybe then I could forget.
Maybe I could move on.
Music floated down from Jonah’s apartment and rage began to build again. He’d brushed me aside as if I was nothing. The music, along with the soft style he had chosen, enraged me further. So with the express purpose of getting under his skin, I stomped over to my iPod docking station, switched it on, and turned it up as loud as it would go. No doubt my neighbors would come knocking. I’d only leave it on as long as necessary; just long enough to show Jonah Quinn that I wouldn’t crumble.
For the next four hours I cleaned every room, every closet, every drawer. The garbage bags began to stack up on my fire escape. The music continued to blare. I was still wearing the pajamas I’d tugged on the night before. Now they were dirty and had a small tear at the bottom of the spotty yellow tank. I stared at the rip, touching it with my fingers as I wondered how I’d done it. My thumb grazed the frayed material; my hand shaking as reality punched me in the gut. My legs gave out from under me. I fell to the floor, tears dripping down my face in a slow, steady stream, and Meow came to comfort me. I’d been here before, in this exact place, doing the exact thing, over the exact same man.
That thought sobered me. Nathan hadn’t done this to me. I’d been with him for years, so why should I let Jonah? I’d tried with him, shown him that his confession didn’t change the way I looked at him, but he was so preoccupied with his own hate that he couldn’t see what I was offering. I refused to keep banging my head against his wall.
I needed to move on and give Jonah what he wanted – a future without me.
Over the next four weeks I tried to push Jonah from my mind. My anger was the one thing that kept the tears at bay. I’d yet to decide who I was more annoyed with, myself or Jonah. My inherent need to save him had left me vulnerable, and even though I knew from the start he’d end up hurting me, it hadn’t altered the outcome. I was the second person he had told the truth to, and because I hadn’t reacted in the way he had expected, he was the one to run scared.
So I worked hard, altered the time I took my daily run, and focused on my friends.
Though I hadn’t intended to, I ended up explaining everything to J.J. She came over one afternoon to reclaim her expensive, designer scarf back. When I couldn’t find it, I had to explain that it probably went into the trash. She was annoyed, but when I started to cry, she eased up. I pushed aside the guilt I felt for bet
raying Jonah’s trust and I told her everything. I held nothing back, and to her credit, she didn’t freak out like I had expected her to. J.J. listened to every word; nodding, agreeing, and hugging me at all the right places. She had even suggested I take a trip back home, knowing I needed my Mom..
The idea was appealing, but I would be returning home soon enough. I refused to spend Christmas anywhere else. So from that moment on, J.J. took it upon herself to keep me continually busy. She didn’t care if I was working, or out at a bar with her and Eli, as long as I was doing something. She wouldn’t allow me to pine for the guy upstairs, taking every chance she had to remind me that I was too good for him. He didn’t deserve me.
She would avoid talking about him in detail. It was usually me that raised the subject. J.J. would wince, knowing how much his silence hurt me. She listened, never passing judgment, and tried to help me. We had become closer than ever before; she was like the sister I always wanted.
We never went back to T he Cellar.
I hadn’t seen Jonah at all. The only reason I knew he was still in his apartment was the music he played which floated down into my apartment. It was always sad, always haunting, and most of the time, it brought tears to my eyes. I had stopped myself, on at least four occasions, from going up to his apartment just to check on him.
I still cared. I still worried. It was Jonah who wasn’t ready, that much was very clear. I realized he’d been shocked when I hadn’t ran for the hills after the truth came out. He had expected me to leave him like everyone else in his life did, but I couldn’t. I had a hard time wrapping my head around why he would drive someone who cared for him beyond the point of no return. He hurt me, but I still missed him. As much as I wanted to wallow, I did my best not to, but my heart still ached.
“Are you really just going to stand there and gawk at me?” J.J. asked, pulling me out of my haze.
She was applying black eye shadow to a blond model, pouting and waiting for me to answer. One of my clients wanted a fresh new website, so after meeting with him, he’d suggested I take a tour of the building, only to find my best friend working here. She was the makeup artist who would be working with the models for the website the remainder of the week.
“Sorry. I zoned out.”
“Jonah?”
I shook my head. I wasn’t about to start this conversation here. I didn’t feel happy today, and talking about Jonah would bring me down further. I sighed in defeat and leaned back against the wall, watching the hustle and bustle as the set was prepared. J.J. was chattering away, whether it was aimed at me or the model in the chair, I couldn’t be sure, though I nodded anyway.
“Eli’s here, you know. He’s looking all hot in a black pinstripe suit, making out like he’s an executive. It’s cute really. I’ve told him he needs to take the suit home or buy one. Either way I’m having a piece of his tailored-ass tonight,” she giggled, and when she blinked a glimmer shone across her face.
“Do you have rhinestones on your lashes?”
“Oh, yes! Do you like them? I’m trialing them for a cosmetics company. I’m loving them. The looks on people’s faces every time I blink, is priceless. Want some? I have a box full.”
“No, thanks. They’re not very me. I don’t have anywhere to wear them anyway. It’s not like I have a busy social life these days, huh?”
“You could,” she smiled slyly.
I glared at her, confused by what she was inferring.
“If you took a look over to your right – the guy in the gray shirt?”
“Blond hair?” I replied, trying to look over at him as covertly as possible.
“Yup. He’s a friend of Eli’s. He saw you at the bar the other night. Told me to tell you that you have a fan. Why don’t you go and say hi?”
My heart clenched in denial right away, while my head begged to differ. I could feel J.J. staring at me as I looked over at the man in question. He was blond, which was a plus because I’d had enough of brunettes. I couldn’t see the color of his eyes, but he was far skinnier than I would usually go for. I blushed furiously when he raised a solitary brow at me. He’d caught me checking him out.
“I can’t.”
“You can,” she retorted, starting to apply some blush with a huge brush. “He’s already made the first move.
He just wants coffee and a chat with you. Go on, be nice.”
“How old is he? He looks kind of young.”
She rolled her eyes, sending more spectrum’s of color in my direction. “It doesn’t matter.” She flicked her brush at me. “Shoo!”
“I d-don’t even know his name,” I stammered, knowing my protest was weak.
J.J. tossed a makeup brush onto the counter and retrieved a tube of mascara, when her model spoke up,
“Skinny blond? His name’s Beau.”
“Pardon?” I spluttered, trying not to snort at the name.
A model named Beau was priceless. J.J. had no such problem; she was chuckling away, clutching onto her stomach.
“Beau. That’s what he’s called. I’m not joking, either.”
I huffed and made a note to berate J.J. later. I wasn’t amused at all. Before I had a chance to figure out what to say to him, there was a light tap on my shoulder. I heard J.J. snort somewhere behind me. I would get her back for this.
I turned to greet him, hoping that my smile looked convincing as I surreptitiously took in his appearance. The problem was I compared each characteristic I groaned internally, noting how different he looked compared to Jonah; this did not bode well. I correlated the length of his hair, the sharpness of his cheekbones, the lack of embarrassment, and the fact that he had no dimples whatsoever. He was rather disappointing and, as it turned out, the type of man I was attracted to a very specific type of man.
One.
“Hi,” he grinned, holding out his hand for me to shake.
He had a large gold ring on his pinkie finger. I grimaced. This guy was not for me.
“I’m Beau. Seems you know J.J.”
“Yeah, I do. I’m Elle.”
“I know,” he replied smugly, reminding me of the first words that Jonah spoke to me.
I shook his hand, unsure of what else to say to him. He seemed nice enough. He just wasn’t what I wanted.
“Elle’s going to be working around here-”
“I’m not!” I protested, interrupting J.J. “I’m doing the web design. I’m just getting a feel for the place. You probably won’t see me here again.”
“Shame. You’re easy on the eyes, and I like a great view.”
I held back a retch. Mr. Smooth was a little too much too soon, and by the look on J.J’.’s face she knew it as well. To be fair, he was attractive, but I was a no go zone at present. Even for a guy who was the exact opposite of Jonah Quinn.
“So... Um, I better check out the rest of the building. I have a lot to do before I can launch the website.”
I made a face at J.J. It was a warning that I’d be having words with her later. She didn’t care, just stuck her tongue out in response. I tried to move around Beau. He stepped to the side, blocking my path and smiled inanely.
“Don’t go just yet. You’ve only just arrived, and it’d be great to get to know you a bit better.”
“I have work to do,” I replied, trying to keep my tone light.
“I could totally help.”
He linked his arm through mine, and waved at J.J., before escorting me over to the door. I tried to protest, looking back at my friend for intervention, but she pretended to be absorbed in her mascara application. My revenge would be served cold; her desertion wouldn’t go unpunished.
“Don’t you have some modeling to do?” I asked lamely.
He ruffled a hand through his spiky, blond hair. I couldn’t help noticing how tight his shirt stretched across his chest. Beau was more toned than I’d first thought. He quirked his lips in a cheeky smirk and stepped forward.
“I do. However, I’m far more interested in you right now th
an posing in front of a camera. Although, the idea of getting you and a camera is way more distracting. You get me?”
I couldn’t stop the bubble of laughter that spilled from my lips, so once I started laughing I couldn’t stop. It felt so good after weeks of sadness and crying. Beau was staring at me as if I was going insane, but it was exhilarating.
“She’s not as mad as she appears,” J.J. said, after walking over to join us.
I was still giggling when I noted the slight tilt of her head in reply to something Beau had said. I could see his lips moving, but the sound of my own accelerated breathing filled my ears. I couldn’t quite hear what he’d asked me. I nodded, and when J.J. patted me on the back, whispering
“Good girl,” I knew I’d done something very wrong. I glared at her back as she retreated and turned back to Beau. I didn’t need to ask for clarification. He made himself very clear.
He leaned forward and kissed my cheek, before whispering in my ear.
“I’ll pick you up at seven. We’re going clubbing, so dress light... and very tight.” And with that he slapped my ass and left.
My mouth hung open as my head tried to accept what I’d said yes to. I’d just accepted a date with a man I wasn’t even sure I liked.
“... So there I was, in the middle of nowhere, with the strangest looking dude I’ve ever seen, and I was expected to make him look amazing. I told them I was good, but damn, I’m not that good!”
The whole table erupted into fits of laughter. I smiled, having heard the story a hundred times and not really wanting to be there.
The date turned out to be a double with J.J. and Eli which made me more receptive. I was still infuriated at her for telling Beau where I lived. She’d given him a false sense that I was totally on board with the evening out. I wasn’t ready, and the more time I spent in Beau’s company, the clearer this fact became.
Beau slipped his arm around the back of my chair, sending a waft of his musky cologne in my direction.
It was nice, manly, but I instantly compared it to Jonah’s scent. I growled to myself, wondering if there would be any getting away from him. I had to stop longing for someone who didn’t want me.
