by David Lubar
“Nobody knows. As soon as the bullies heard they were going to be starved free, they started wailing and moaning. It had already been three or four hours since they’d eaten. Even if they weren’t really hungry yet, the threat of starvation was enough to get their stomachs rumbling. Some of the parents felt sorry for them, even though they’d gotten themselves into this mess. One father ran to the picnic area and grabbed some food for his starving darling. Then a mother snatched up some food for her little brute. Next thing you know, all these parents were racing to the picnic tables and grabbing heaping plates of the only food that was left.”
“Baked beans?” I guessed. Whenever I went to a picnic or cookout, the burgers and hot dogs were the first to go. And then, the macaroni salad got scooped up. But there were always lots of beans left. “So they turned into beanie Weenies.”
“That’s right,” Gramps said. “All the parents were feeding their kids baked beans, to stop them from crying.”
“Wouldn’t that make them get even tighter?” I asked. “So they’d be stuck for longer.”
“Yup. It would make things worse. And it would make them gassy,” Gramps said. “You know what they say about beans, right?”
“I sure do,” I said. “They’re good for your heart.”
“And a musical fruit,” Gramps added. “After a while, you could hear it.” He put the back of his hand against his mouth and made a fart sound.
I couldn’t help laughing. It’s not the sort of thing you expect a grandfather to do. “That must have stunk,” I said.
“Well, it would have, if the gas had anywhere to go.” Gramps slowly shook his head, as if even he couldn’t believe what he was about to tell me. “But they were wedged so tightly, the gas was trapped. The farts kept coming. It started out as little toots. But after a while, it sounded like the testing room of a tuba factory.”
Gramps paused to demonstrate the rising fart volume on the back of his hand. Then he picked up the story where he’d left off.
“The pressure kept building beneath them. Eventually, something had to give. I think it was Dempsey who made that final monster fart, just when it was starting to get dark. They all shot out of the pool like corks out of a bottle.”
“Wow…” I said. “That must have been an amazing thing to see.”
“It was definitely unforgettable. And that would have been the end of it, if someone hadn’t picked the exact same moment to light a sparkler and wave it around near the pool.” Gramps waved his hand like he was holding one.
“What’s wrong with that?” I asked.
“Farts contain methane gas,” he said. “And methane is very flammable. One little spark can set it off. I think there’s some hydrogen in a fart, too. Which doesn’t help. All that gas got lit. Kaboom! It made one fierce and fiery explosion. It flung all the bullies high in the air and burned their butts like they’d squatted over a blowtorch. Some of them couldn’t sit down for weeks.”
Gramps stopped pacing. I guess that was the end of the story.
“Was Howard okay?” I asked.
“He was smaller than the bullies, so he shot up higher,” Gramps said. “His bottom hardly got warmed by the blast.”
“That seems fair,” I said. “What happened to the bullies?”
“The same thing that always happens whenever a group of kids misbehave. Some of them got punished by their parents. Some of them got treated like they were innocent victims. Some of them grew up to be bullies. Some of them grew up to be better people.” Gramps nodded in the direction of our home. “We should be heading back.”
I got off the bench. There was one more thing I had to know. The way Gramps told the story, it wasn’t just like he’d been there watching what happened. It was like he’d actually been part of it. I thought about how much sympathy he had for the victim. “The kid you called Howard. Was that you?”
“No. I wasn’t Howard,” Gramps said.
“But you were there, right?” I asked.
“Definitely.” Gramps laughed. “You could say I was stuck right in the middle of things.”
I thought about how he never liked to sit for long. I guess Gramps was one of the bullies who’d gotten his butt toasted.
That made me feel terrible. I didn’t like the idea of Gramps being mean to people. And I sure didn’t want to be the grandson of a bully.
Then, I remembered he’d also talked about how people could change. I realized this made the whole story all that more wonderful and amazing, and that made me feel happy again. He’d gotten his butt burned, but it had turned him into a better person.
So now I know the real story about what happened at the town pool all those years ago. And I’m pretty sure I also know why, when Gramps is here for dinner, he never eats his beans.
VISIBILITY
My uncle Ralph and my aunt Lucy are mad scientists. Seriously. They’re always coming up with weird inventions. Whenever I ask them why, they laugh and say, “We want to take over the world for the good of humanity!”
So far, the world has been pretty safe from them. Though they did manage to blow a hole in the side of their house once. Or maybe it was twice.
I stay with them for two weeks each summer, while my parents go on a trip by themselves. It doesn’t bother me that my parents go without me, because they usually end up somewhere boring. Uncle Ralph and Aunt Lucy, on the other hand, are never boring. They love science so much, it’s not enough to call them nerds. They’re total science Weenies, in the best possible way.
They seemed more excited than usual when my parents dropped me off this morning.
“Steffie!” Uncle Ralph cried. “We’ve been eager to see you.”
“But we hope we won’t see you for long,” Aunt Lucy said. Then she laughed.
I didn’t even bother asking what they meant about not seeing me for long. They like to talk like that. It’s sort of a code. They told me they always have to be careful that other scientists don’t steal their inventions.
I didn’t ask them to explain what they did next, either.
Uncle Ralph pulled a tape measure from his pants pocket and checked my height. “No growth spurt yet,” he said. “That’s good.”
Aunt Lucy asked me to step on a scale. She seemed happy with the results.
I figured I’d find out what was going on eventually. As much as they like to be mysterious and throw winks at each other like they are playing catch, they like talking about their discoveries even more. After breakfast, they explained everything.
“We’ve created our finest invention of all time,” Aunt Lucy said.
“You won’t believe it,” Uncle Ralph said.
“I’m sure I won’t,” I said.
They were very good at ignoring my sarcasm. I was used to that. Adults ignore kids pretty much all the time, unless we’re doing something we don’t want them to see.
“We’ve invented an invisibility ray,” Aunt Lucy said.
“That’s pretty cool,” I said. It actually sounded like a useful invention. “Can I see it?”
As soon as I said those words, I realized I’d made a pretty good joke. I pictured it in a movie, with a scientist talking to his friend.
I invented invisibility.
I can’t see how that would work.
“We haven’t tried it yet,” Uncle Ralph said.
“We needed a subject of the right size and weight,” Aunt Lucy said.
“And that would be me?” I asked. Everything they’d been saying and doing suddenly made sense.
“You’re the perfect size,” my uncle said.
“Are you sure it’s safe?’ I asked.
“Absolutely,” Aunt Lucy said. “We would never risk hurting our favorite niece.”
They explained all about it in a way I didn’t come close to following. Not that it mattered. I knew I wanted to do it. My mind was already bursting with ideas about all the fun I could have once nobody could see me.
The ray machine didn’t have any sort of co
ol mad-science look to it. It seemed pretty much like a desk lamp with a lot of extra wires and a pair of weird-shaped bulbs.
When they zapped me, I felt warm, in a pleasant way, like the hot sun was shining right on my face. After they switched off the lamp, I held up my hands. I could see them. I looked over at my aunt and uncle. They stared at me. Then they sighed. I guess they could see me, too.
“It needs more work,” Uncle Ralph said.
Aunt Lucy agreed. They started to discuss what they had to do. I went for a walk. Their house was only a block from town. As I strolled along the sidewalk, a guy came toward me, walking a pair of shelties. Both the guy and the dogs stopped to stare at me as I passed.
That was weird. As a horrible thought hit me, I looked down to make sure my clothes hadn’t turned invisible. Luckily, they hadn’t.
It got weirder. Everyone stared at me. People walking by, people biking by, and people driving by all watched me. It almost seemed like they couldn’t resist watching every move I made. As far as I knew, people passing overhead in airplanes were peering down, though I had no way to test that.
That’s when it hit me. I knew what was going on! I raced back home to tell my aunt and uncle the good news. I found them sitting in the kitchen, looking like someone had zapped them with a sadness ray.
“We failed again,” Uncle Ralph said.
“This is worse than when we blew the hole in the wall,” Aunt Lucy said.
“Worse than both those times,” Uncle Ralph said.
They turned their heads as I walked in, and stared at me, as I knew they would.
“You didn’t fail,” I said.
“We can see you,” Uncle Ralph said.
Aunt Lucy nodded. “And you are supposed to be invisible. Therefore, we failed.”
“Try not to watch me,” I said.
I walked across the kitchen to the refrigerator, then returned to the doorway where I’d come in. Their eyes stayed locked on me the whole time.
“You didn’t invent invisibility,” I said. “You invented visibility!”
Aunt Lucy leaped from her chair like she’d been jolted by electricity. “She’s right!”
“Now, all we have to do is reverse it!” Uncle Ralph said. He raced toward the garage, where they had their lab. “Let’s get to work.”
“See you later,” Aunt Lucy said as she dashed out to join him.
That was a pretty good joke, too. I was glad they had another chance to make their invention work. But I hoped my visibility would wear off sooner or later. It’s nice being noticed, once in a while. Just not all the time.
If you see what I mean.
COLLECT THEM ALL!
The super-duper awesome video game “Xabulose Zeplons” hit the shelves at the perfect time. Summer had just begun. School was out. The days were free.
Every kid on the block in Joey’s neighborhood begged for, and got, a copy of the game.
But that was just the start. To enjoy all the secrets of the game, you needed one of the twelve Xabulose Zeplon action figures. But you couldn’t just buy them. You had to win the right to do that by playing the game online with your friends.
Adding to the pressure, every group could only have a single copy of each action figure. Adding even more to the pressure, there were eighteen kids in Joey’s group. The thought of being one of the half dozen who’d miss out turned even the most casual player into a competitive gamer Weenie. It turned Joey, who was already too competitive, in even darker directions.
Joey’s friend Barnaby was the first to discover one of the hidden battle arenas and score a victory there. He earned the secret code to order Sharmatch the Destroyer, a fearsome warrior who carried a huge photon cannon.
“Oh, man,” Joey said when he went over to Barnaby’s house to see Sharmatch. The figure was a full foot tall, with glowing eyes and a jet pack.
“Check this out,” Barnaby said. He launched the game, and there was Sharmatch on the screen, ready to destroy the enemy with his photon cannon as he flew above them.
“Cool…” Joey said.
His friend Cassandra was next. She got Endroza, Death Dancer. Then Stuart, down at the house on the corner, got Endroza’s twin brother, Endrazo, Life Spinner.
Joey got nothing. He wasn’t as good as his friends at games.
Summer crept forward. Time was growing short. All his friends had an action figure. There was only one secret battle arena left. Joey was afraid someone else would get it. And then, he’d have nothing. He went online to look for hints. He found plenty of them. He also found ways to cheat.
Joey hated cheaters. They ruined everything.
But he hated being left out even more.
Joey cheated.
“I’ll bet they all cheated,” he said as he discovered the last secret arena.
And finally, he won Fath the Finisher, the final Xabulose Zeplon. His parents took the code and ordered the figure. Joey waited in agony, watching for the delivery truck.
Finally, Fath arrived.
“Whoa…” Joey said as he unpacked his action figure. Fath wore armor that made him look like a combination of a samurai and a dinosaur. Joey ran to his room, turned on his console, and started the game.
Fath’s eyes glowed. Then, he smiled an evil smile.
Joey froze. None of the other figures had smiled.
Fath raised his right arm in victory.
None of the other figures had raised an arm in victory.
Fath raised his left hand, in which he held an atomic disruptor. He fired a beam at Joey, disrupting all of Joey’s atoms. Joey was no more.
At his friends’ houses, all the other figures raised their arms, and their weapons. Now that Fath had arrived, they were complete. The preparation was finished.
The plan had succeeded.
The invasion could begin.
THE LEFT HAND OF DORKINESS
You should never call anyone a witch. I guess you should really never call anyone any sort of name. But you should especially never call anyone a witch when that’s what they happen to be. I learned that lesson, and one other, at the end of the last day of school.
“Summer vacation!” I said to my friend Krista as the bell rang. “I’ve been waiting all year for this!”
“Me, too! Summer, here we come,” Krista said. “Let’s get out of here, Destiny.”
“Wait,” I said as we left the classroom. “I think I left my sweater in the cafeteria.”
“You won’t need it,” she said. “It’s summer.”
“But I want it,” I said.
We headed to the cafeteria. And there she was—the dreaded lunch lady who sat behind the cash register and scowled at everyone. As I snatched my sweater from the chair where I’d left it, I muttered, “I’m glad I won’t be seeing you all summer, you witch.”
I thought I’d kept my voice down. But she turned her head toward me.
I felt like I’d just swallowed an ice cube. All my insides froze as she stared at me. The worst part was that, for the first time ever, she wasn’t scowling. Instead, she smiled at me. And then, in a voice no louder than my own, she said, “You won’t see summer at all, dearie.”
I stared back, unable to speak.
“Get lost,” she whispered. Right after that, I swear, she cackled like a witch, and ran from the cafeteria.
“What was that about?” I asked Krista. “How could she keep us from seeing summer?”
“No idea. But let’s get out of here,” she said.
We went to the door on the far side of the cafeteria that led to the parking lot. I pushed the bar. It wouldn’t move.
“Locked,” I said.
“No problem,” Krista said. “We’ll just go out the front exit.”
“Problem,” I said a moment later, when we reached the end of the corridor. It was supposed to turn left. But it turned right. “The hallway is different.”
“This is wrong,” Krista said. “What should we do?”
“We have to go that
way,” I said. “There’s no other choice.”
We turned right. But nothing looked normal or familiar. All the walls were blank, with no posters or lockers. We walked, and took random turns, but we couldn’t find a way out.
“I think we’ve been here before,” Krista said as we reached a corridor that made two sharp turns in a row.
“You’re right,” I said. We turned another corner and found ourselves back at the cafeteria. “It’s like a maze.”
“I’m terrible at mazes,” Krista said. “I can’t even solve the easy ones on the kiddie menus at the diner.”
“Me, either.” I tried to think of a way out. Nothing came to mind except to keep looking. After a while, we passed the gym. Then we passed the cafeteria again. After that, we passed the library.
The lights were still on.
“I think there’s someone inside,” Krista said.
She was right. Dorky little Noah Gretch sat at a table, hunched over a book. I was about to say, “It’s just a silly little reader Weenie.” But I’d already learned one lesson today about calling people names. Maybe Noah was also more than a label.
“Hey,” I called. “What are you doing here?”
He jerked his head up like he’d been yanked from a dream. Then he looked over at us and frowned. “What am I doing here? I think that’s obvious. I’m reading. Or, at least, I was reading until I got interrupted. What are you doing here?”
“We’re trapped,” I said. “The lunch lady, who is actually a witch, turned the school into a maze.”
I didn’t expect him to believe me, but he just shrugged and said, “I guess you made her angry.”
