“Vivienne, please don’t cry.”
“Don’t call me that. Call me Vivs, or even Viv, but not that. I hate that name.”
“What did he do to you?” I ask, realizing we’ve been focusing on me and I still don’t know what happened to her.
“He made me feel small. Unloved, unwanted, unneeded for anything but public appearances. Stupid, plain, boring, frigid. You name an insult, and he’s probably said it to me.”
“He’s a motherfucking liar. You are none of those things.”
She shrugs. “I think so, but I don’t know for sure.”
Sometimes, when the person you love is hurting, you put aside your own fears for a moment, and do everything you can to help them. Right now, I can give her something she needs, and I have to. No matter how I feel later, or even during, I need to help her.
“I’m going to make love to you until you realize how loved, wanted, and needed you always are. You are intelligent, gorgeous, interesting, and hot as fuck. When you walk into the room everything seems brighter—and better. I’m going to show you that.”
“You’re not ready,” she insists, shaking her head no.
I pull her all the way to me, so my cock lines up with her pussy. “I’m ready. I know you can feel how ready I am.”
“We already talked about this. I don’t want you doing this just for me.”
And she thinks she’s not an amazing person? Damn, this woman is so much more than she realizes. If I can give her something—anything—that shows her how great she is, I will. I have no choice but to give that to her.
“I’m doing this for us. I need to do this. Please let me love you.”
“If you’re sure, you know it’s a yes.”
I’m sure I need to do this, but I’m not sure how I’m going to handle it. I can’t think of her as just a quick fuck, because she’s not. But anything else scares the shit out of me. I just need to focus on how much I love her.
I tell myself these things as I unzip my pants, and pull my dick out. When I reach into my wallet for the condom I keep there, and check the date on it, I remind myself of how much I love her. As I roll it on, I look into her eyes and see that love reflected back at me.
While I’ve been having my inner turmoil, Viv pulled her dress over her head, and removed her bra and panties. Just looking at her makes me hard enough to come, but I need to make this good for her and last as long as my mind and body will allow.
“I need to be on top,” I tell her, placing my shirt, and her dress, on the bench. It’s not a bed, but it’s the best I’ve got right now.
“Okay.”
She lies down, her legs open over the bench, and her pussy glistening. She’s ready for me, and physically, I’m ready for her too.
I keep my eyes on hers as I lower myself over her, and line my cock up with her pussy. I want this. I’ve wanted this since the day I understood why my body reacted to her as a teen. She’s a gift. A beautiful, perfect gift.
That’s what I think of as I slide inside of her. She arches her back and grips the bench, but doesn’t try to touch me. I don’t know how she knows—or understands—but she does. My hands are braced above her head on the bench, and I begin to move.
I allow my body to take over, feeling how good this is as I keep my eyes locked on hers. I feel the tension in her body, knowing it’s because she’s holding back from touching me or moving, but not able to voice the words allowing her to do as she pleases. It’s hard enough to hold eye contact right now.
“Do you want to stop?”
“What? Why would I want to stop?”
“Because you’re not here with me. You’re going through the motions, but you’re not enjoying it.”
Fuck. I should’ve known I couldn’t fake it with her. “I’m sorry,” I tell her, sliding out of her and dropping to my knees. “I’ll finish you off.”
She stands up, and pulls her dress back over her head. “I don’t need finishing.”
I’m screwing this up. Just like I knew I would. I can let her walk away again, because she doesn’t need my mess in her life, but I won’t let her think it’s because I don’t want to make her scream.
“I want my mouth on you, Viv. I want to lick and suck you until you scream my name again. I want to taste how sweet you are, and know how lucky I am to be allowed between your legs.”
“It’s not fair. Not if you’re not coming, too.”
“Life isn’t fair. I’ll get myself off after.”
Her eyes go dark, and I know she likes the idea of me jacking myself with my hand. In another time we watched each other, but I can’t invite her to my private party right now. I just can’t. I’m barely holding it together with her right now, and if I give her that control and let her watch me, I know I’ll lose it.
VIV
We have to be able to get past this. I don’t need sex, as evidenced by the last few years, but I want it. I want it with Rhys, and I know he wants it with me, too. He just can’t get out of his own head long enough to enjoy it. I know he’s slept with women this past year, and I’m trying hard not to blame myself for this problem happening right now. Because, blaming myself for not being a nameless woman in a bar is not going to help us.
I know what to I need to do. I don’t like it, but it’s the only thing I’ve got right now.
“I have a better idea.”
Moving to the fountain, I place my hands on the upper tier, letting the water run over my hands, as I kneel on the lower bench. In this position he won’t be looking in my eyes. It might just be enough to make him comfortable.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m trying to be what you need.”
“You’re not like them.”
“Right now, I am. Take me the way you need to.”
I’m not looking at him, but I can feel his hesitation like it’s touching me. I grip the stone tighter, knowing this has to be his choice, his decision. Everything has to be his, and although I don’t know if I can go along with that forever, right now, I can do this for him.
“I’m sorry,” he tells me as he moves behind me, lifting up my dress. “So sorry.”
Neither of us speaks as he thrusts into me, or during any of it. He rubs my clit, and I come, but there are no words, or kisses, or anything remotely intimate. Yes, he’s inside of my body, but it’s not me he’s thinking of. It’s not anyone. I’ve let myself become someone with no face and no love.
I said I wouldn’t allow myself to be used again, but for this, with him, I can do it. I know he loves me, and I also know he’s hurting. I can’t do this forever, or I’ll lose myself again, but I can do it for now. For us, I can do it.
“I’m sorry,” Rhys whispers in my ear again as he comes, and then he’s gone.
He’s not behind me, and I hear his footsteps as he runs from the fountain. I try to hold back my tears, but I can’t. I need to let all my pain, and fear, out while I’m alone. I pull my dress down, and sit on the edge, dipping my feet into the fountain. My teardrops blend with the water as I allow myself to grieve—for the past, the present, and maybe even the future.
“Viv?” Rhieve asks from behind me.
I know I was shaking as I cried, and there’s no way my eyes aren’t red, but I turn toward her anyway. I’m pretty sure this won’t be the last time she’ll see me falling apart, and I’m not ashamed of feeling. Bad or good, I want to feel.
“Hi.”
Because she’s as trained as I am in faking smiles, I almost miss her cringe when I turn toward her. Almost.
“I saw Rhys running back to the house.”
“He was done with me,” I tell her with a shrug. Two can play this game.
She cringes again, and I look to where she’s gazing, seeing my thong on the ground. Awkward for her, because he’s her brother, but I’m not ashamed of what happened out here. I would have changed how it went down, but I’m not sorry it happened. I can compromise myself, but I won’t allow myself to second-guess my choices, or worr
y what other people think about me.
“He cares about you. I know he does. It’s just…there are complications.”
“He told me.”
“That makes me feel a little better, but I have to warn you, things are going to get worse for him. It’s why I was looking for the two of you.”
“What did you find out?” I ask, a sense of dread making its way through my body.
“It’s better if we wait until everyone’s together. We’re meeting in the kitchen in a few minutes.”
“How bad is it? Can you tell me that?”
“It’s bad. Just bad.”
I follow her back to the house, grabbing my underwear as discreetly as possible, and shoving them into my pocket. Standing up for Rhys is something I’ll always do, no matter what we hear in this meeting.
“Good, we’re all here now,” X says, as we walk inside.
Rhys is already there, and I move to stand next to him. He won’t look at me, but I’ll stand next to him, regardless.
“We’ve figured out who attacked the compound, and how,” Faith tells us.
“Who? Stop stalling, and tell us what the fuck is going on! I need to get back to Vegas with Micah.”
“The people were sent by a man whose girlfriend Rhys slept with a few months ago. They followed him there.”
Oh my God. No. “Do you know who it was?” I ask Rhys.
“Nope. No clue. You know I only fuck women I know nothing about.”
“Rhys!” Rhieve admonishes, but I wave her off. I know he’s doing this to push me away, but it’s not going to work.
“I’m not going to walk away, just because you insult me.”
“Then I’ll have to do the walking.”
CHAPTER 10
RHYS
I try to get out of the room, because I have to, but X steps in front of me. “You put my son in danger, because you couldn’t keep your dick in your pants, and now you’re going to run away?”
“Yes.”
“No. You’re going to face this guy, and let him beat the shit out of you. I could buy him off, but I suspect he wants you to feel a little pain.”
“No! Stop it, X.”
I don’t look at Viv when she grabs my arm, because I can’t. I told her I was dirty and damaged, and if what we did at the fountain didn’t prove it to her, this should. It should, but it doesn’t seem to be happening.
“Let go, Viv. He’s right. I need to take responsibility for all of my actions.”
“Yeah, you do,” X agrees.
“Call me when you have him here—or wherever—and I’ll come back.”
“Don’t go. Please don’t go.” Viv is holding my arm, and pleading with me, but I shake her off.
“I have to. Who knows who else is out there, wanting to get at me. I won’t put any of you in the line of fire for me again.”
I look at my sister when I say the words, and the pain on her face nearly knocks me over. She shouldn’t have had to protect me that night, or any night. I’m a man and until I start acting like it, I’ll be no good for any of us. The problem is, I don’t know how to be the man the women I love believe me to be. I don’t know how to heal.
“We can do this together,” Viv insists, trying to make me look at her.
“No, we can’t.”
“I won’t beg you to stay when you don’t want to, but I wish you would.”
“Wishes are for the naïve, and we’ve both seen too much of this world to be labeled that,” I say, finally forcing myself to look at her. “Have the life you deserve for once, Vivs.”
She lets me go, because she won’t beg—and I don’t want her to. She’s lived a life nowhere near what she deserved for the last five years, and now, she needs to be happy and fulfilled. She can’t do that with me. Even if she doesn’t realize it now, it’s the truth.
My sister stays silent as I walk past her, but the determined look on her face lets me know she’s not buying my act. Right now, I don’t have time to convince her. Viv is who I have to force myself away from, and I’m doing it. I’m doing what’s best for her.
“Keep that phone on you,” X says, and I know he’d be willing to dole out the beating himself if asked.
“I will.”
I order the Uber as I walk, knowing where I need to go. Knowing it, dreading it, but planning on doing it anyway. I lied back there to try and get Viv to see who I’ve been, but she wasn’t having it. I don’t want to leave her, but I can’t be with her until I face the things I’ve done—and were done to me—and can let her help make me whole. Honestly, I don’t know if that’s even possible, but I have to try.
VIV
“I will not allow you to let that man hurt Rhys.”
“He walked out on you, Viv. It’s not a good look to be advocating for a man who walked away,” X tells me, shaking his head.
“What about a woman? If Seri was in trouble, you’re telling me you wouldn’t move the earth to protect her?”
“It’s not the same thing.”
“Isn’t it? Rhys is being punished because a woman wanted him. Seri left because she thought you wanted me.”
“I know why she left,” he growls.
“Then act like it.”
“I have to protect my son, above all else. I’ll never apologize for that.”
“I’m not asking you to. What I’m asking is for you to shut down this man, or to let the Society do it.”
“It’s already being taken care of,” Rhieve tells me. “No one’s touching my brother.”
“You have to know that getting him out of everything isn’t doing him any good. He has to learn to fight for himself.”
“I didn’t get him out in time when it mattered, and I’ll never let that happen again. Don’t try to lecture me, because you don’t scare me, X. I’ll fight you to the death over my brother, because whether you believe it or not, I know he’d do the same for me.”
“Who said I was trying to scare you?”
“You try to scare, and intimidate everyone,” I tell him.
“Well, it’s obviously not as successful as I’d want it to be.”
“It’s successful with the people who haven’t seen you with Micah—or Seri. You’re human, X, even if you’d prefer to be a computer. Letting that out now and then isn’t going to take power from you, but it might get you more help when you need it.”
“I was fine before the Society came looking for me, and forced me out into the open. It was just me and Micah, and we were good.”
“Do you wish we hadn’t come for you? That we’d left Harlow in the line of fire while you pretended the world around you didn’t exist?” Rhieve asks, looking like she wants to punch him. I don’t blame her.
“Reina wouldn’t have allowed Harlow to be hurt.”
“No, she wouldn’t, and you don’t see that as a weakness for your cousin, do you?”
He rolls his eyes. “I knew better than to fall for that, but it still happened. Well played, spy girl.”
“You’ll help us keep Rhys safe?” I ask, hoping that’s what he means.
“Yes, I will.”
Rhys
The train rolls through the countryside, and I try to keep myself calm. I want a drink, but I know I don’t need one. I need to somehow make this all better—make myself better. I don’t know how, but I have to. I can’t put the people I love in any more danger, and I can’t have them keep rescuing me, either. I’m a grown man and it’s time I start acting like one.
As the train nears Norwich, my palms begin to sweat. I came here voluntarily, and I want to face my fears, so I have to be here. There’s no other choice. I have to go back to the place I was rescued from, and remember it all, so I can move past it.
The train station is moderately busy, and I bypass the cabs waiting outside, preferring to walk. I don’t walk to my destination yet, but instead wander the connecting streets. I eat some great fish, and chips, and buy a pair of shoes for Viv from one of the shops. They’re nothing “Vivienn
e” would wear, but I think “Viv” will love them. I don’t know if she’ll ever talk to me again, but I buy them anyway.
I walk, and wander, and when the sun goes down, I finally go where I never wanted to go again. The warehouse isn’t abandoned, as I’d hoped it would be, but crowded with partiers at the club it’s become. Maybe it’s better this way, because I won’t allow myself to break down in front of this crowd.
After paying the entrance fee, I walk through the different rooms on the ground floor. They’re still the same as they were when I was here last, the chains attached to the walls, and the harnesses hanging from the ceiling. Only now, the patrons are clothed as they dance with everything, using it all as if they’re just toys, and not restraints. Yes, they’re having fun and not hurting anyone, but I still don’t like it.
I expected this place to be a shell, with everything else gone. I wanted to see it broken, like I am, but it’s not. It’s been reincarnated into a den of clothed pleasure, and I find it unsettling to see what’s been left behind being played with so casually.
One step at a time. I keep repeating that to myself as I enter the throng of people. They gyrate, simulating sex, and sending messages of want and need to their dance partners, and sometimes, the room at large. It’s what I should be doing. It’s what I usually do. But, not here. I could never act carefree and fun here.
Here, I stand in the middle of it all, and close my eyes, letting the memories come. Memories I don’t want to remember, even if they started out fun, and enjoyable. I voluntarily came to this place, and for a little while, I played the game. I wanted those women—and maybe some of the men, if I’m being honest—to touch me, suck me, use me for their pleasure and mine.
Until, I didn’t want it anymore, but was powerless to stop it. If things had gone down differently. I could maybe convince myself they didn’t hear me when I asked them to stop. I could pretend they only wanted pleasure, and not revenge. But, that’s not the case. A man wanted everything he didn’t deserve, and he thought I was his ticket to it all. I wasn’t.
Defiant Company Page 6
