In Search of Satisfaction

by J. California Cooper

  The devil, Satan, had much amusement with what had happened to Carlene. Even though she was a faithful subject of his, he didn’t like her at all. Satan cannot love, you know.

  chapter

  18

  carlene’s thoughts on this early morning were tearing at her nerves. She sat her father’s picture down and reached out to her liquor tray which always sat on the edge of the desk. She poured a brandy. She thought as she sipped, “My father would have been overjoyed to know he had well-balanced grandchildren.” She forgot Sally’s children were also what could be called “well-balanced.” However, they had proved with the treatment of their mother that they did not know much about love.

  She frowned into her glass. “He never did spend much time with Richlene. Never.” But Carlene had spoken so disparaging of Richlene and had taken so little time with her herself, he had just followed suit. She had done the same with Sally’s children. Belittling them, ridiculing them, laughing at them, she had colored his vision. As she had about Sally. She had been abrasive. Carl was not a complete fool about Carlene. He had hidden his new family. He never let her meet them or told her about them. But she had heard about them anyway. And hated them, as he had known she would.

  Carlene stopped reminiscing a moment, looked out at the sunny morning and took another drink from the crystal glass, thinking, “But he couldn’t always leave me behind. I began to travel myself!” She smiled, but it was not a pretty smile. “I went to all the great capitals of the world. I shopped in Paris and Rome. I have been dressed by the greatest. I have been served by the best!”

  Carlene had traveled almost to the point of maternal indecency while Richlene was growing up. Richard stayed home, handling the huge financial structure and seeking help for Richlene. Carlene always saw that she received statements and reports because she knew about keeping watch over your kingdom. She did buy beautiful clothes, jewels, furs, carriages and even some art. To show, to have, more than to enjoy. She entertained, huge parties in Befoe homes all over the world. She received many invitations, although not many people really liked her. She did not entertain much in Yoville, it was so far out of the way, and she had not wanted the railroad spur to come there. She had arranged for a large, richly outfitted barge to be built to carry her along the river from the Mythville railroad station ten or so miles from Yoville. She came home only to rest until it was time to go again.

  She had lovers. She was a passionate woman. But she was a liar. A liar is also a sneak and sneaks do many things we never know of. Carlene was one of Satan’s people. But since Satan cannot love, he did not love her and he always took the people she loved from her in payment for his gifts. However, she always made the first choice. Her life was the result of her choices. And I suppose he was pleased because she could do so much more harm as an unhappy lady.

  She replaced her father’s picture on the desk and reached for Richlene’s. She did not hold it to her breast. She stared at it and, unusual for her, tears formed in her eyes. She was thinking of the past again. But who was she crying for? Richlene? Herself?

  The sun was moving across the sky, the weather was glorious, but Carlene saw none of it on this morning. All her thoughts were turned inward.

  chapter

  19

  after Richard learned Richlene could speak from her own mind, they became even closer over the years. She was almost fifteen years old. He devoted much of his time to the business but came home often and spent much of his time there with his daughter. He often tucked her in at night. He always kissed her good night. She would often ask him to stay with her until she went to sleep.

  He was a man lonely of soul. Yes, he had his women, but he really was a family man. He loved his home. He had begun to drink after arguments or hard words with Carlene. He wanted more children, Carlene wanted neither him nor more children. Then he would be angry and sulk until he went to see his daughter.

  One evening he returned late from a business trip. The day had ended with a few drinks to celebrate a business success with his associates. He left these friends to go visit his current lady, who was not in because she had not expected him. He felt no special tie to this woman so was not disturbed at her absence. He would have stayed the night had she been in, he paid the rent. Instead he chose to go home, a two-hour train ride.

  He had a few private drinks on the train, feeling sorry for himself. He was so alone. The house was dark when he arrived. He went in to see his daughter, his love. He lay beside her, loving the child in his heart. He kissed her brow, smoothed her hair, smiled down at her, then lay his head upon her pillow and fell asleep. During the night he woke up cold and, lifting the covers, he got in beside her.

  Now perhaps he was not an evil man, this man. Maybe he thought he was with his city woman, but that woman was certainly not a virgin. Or he just what …? He made love to his daughter sometime during that night. Why did she not scream out? This man was her father. In her own heart, was she grateful to be in his arms? Did she know the loneliness, the need in his soul, that would make him do this horrible thing? What were her thoughts? This child who was also lonely. In need, not of this kind of love, but to be touched, held by someone she knew loved her? She did not understand just what he was doing, but she knew if someone came in, it would be wrong. She cried, but softly. During his orgasm, he became wide awake. He could not stop himself, but he froze in his position, staring down at her. Her eyes were open, filled with tears, but there was no look of accusation on her face. He stealthily arose, cleaned his daughter with his shirt. Then she spoke, softly, through her tears. “Dadda, you hurt me. I hurt.”

  His tears came. “Dadda is so sorry, baby. So sorry, so sorry. Hush, now, hush. Don’t cry.” He looked around the room, bleary eyed, saw her pills her mother kept for her when she was getting hysterical and found the one he wanted. He gave her some water, she took the pill. He stayed with her, talking her to sleep. “Dadda so sorry, my baby. This will never happen again.”

  “You … you pro … mise?”

  “I promise from the bottom of my heart.”

  “I hurt.”

  “I know. Oh, I know. Go to sleep, baby, go to sleep.”

  He stole away to his room. He lay in his bed, alone, crying quietly in that deep hoarse way men have, until the sun came up. Then he fled quietly away to the train and the city. And left Richlene … alone.

  richard went directly to his mother’s house. He sent a message to Carlene that his mother Marian was ill and he would be staying with her until she recovered, taking care of his business from there. His mother was happy to have him there and was pleased Carlene had not come with him. She could tell he was disturbed about something, but she did not ask any questions. She took it for granted his wife made him unhappy. “I hope my dear son is planning a divorce,” she thought. “I cannot bear the thought of that … woman spending my money after I have gone from this earth.” Even though her husband was dead and she was alone, she simply continued maintaining the schedule she always kept in the huge mansion. Chapel in the mornings, full breakfast and dinner services at the long, formal dining room table with the crystal and gold-laced lemoges plates, chandelier or candles lighted. Servants served and waited behind her chair as she quietly ate the several courses prepared every day. So she was pleased to have her son with her for a while.

  Richard’s conscience bothered him a great deal. He could not sleep, tossing and turning all night, every night. He walked and walked over the acres of land. He sat staring into space. Finally, one night, after a dinner he had hardly touched, he spoke of his problem to his mother as they sat before the great fireplace that crackled with flames. His remorse bore heavily on him. In self-degradation, he told her what had happened, what he had done to his child, Richlene.

  Marian continued staring into the fire but said nothing for long moments. When, at last, she turned to him, she looked at him for a long time. Her eyes made a slight, inner shift and she was looking beyond him. When she rose to leave, she pas
sed him and placed her hand on his bent shoulders, pressing his shoulders for a long moment. “You are my son,” she said. “You did not intend to do it. It was not done with … evil intent. You have not done as much wrong as you may think.” She began to walk away then stopped, turning back to him. “We shall never speak of … this … again.” Then she was gone.

  Richard sat until the fire burned down, shaking his head no when the servant indicated putting logs on the fire. He sat until twilight was gone and the shadows darkened the huge mansion where two bodies, mother and son, stayed in opposite ends. Only the servants, unobtrusive, moved about, quietly doing what was necessary for the two lonely people in their strong city of wealth.

  Satan thought, I give those people everything! Why aren’t they happy? Busy as always, he flew off to finish giving suggestions to the scientists he was helping to discover something in the earth that might finally destroy the earth. He went happily.

  When Richard returned to Yoville, Richlene was shy of him but so glad to have her “dadda” back home. Everything seemed the same as before. But Mana, the Negress, Richlene’s second mother, knew something had happened in the way people who love you know things about you. Mana had told Sally because she trusted her and knew her love for Richlene was honest. They both talked to Richlene who, in her simplicity, saw no reason to hide anything. Mana was angry; Sally was confused, could not understand. However, no one told Carlene.

  One day, soon after his return, Sally passed Richard in the hall as she went about her house inventory chores. She looked into his eyes trying to see deeply into his mind. She saw pain … and fear. They said nothing at first. Then Sally spoke, “Richard, you must never, for any reason, place yourself and your daughter in such a circumstance again.”

  “Oh, Sally,” he began anxiously. His voice was full of remorse.

  She did not let him finish speaking. “No one ever ‘intends’ to, they say. But you, her father, must never lose your self control again. She is your child. She is not responsible. I thought you loved her. The only one who loved her. You were all she really has. You ARE all she has. Let us pray her mind will survive the memory and may God have mercy on you. Now, let us put these thoughts away, forever, if possible.” She started to move on.

  “Oh, Sally,” he began once more.

  She swung her body back to him. “No one ever prays in this house! They know no god but themselves and gold and stocks! Build us a chapel or a place we may pray … together! Everything in this world, this house, can be lost. Wisdom is needed in this house.” She moved away hastily.

  Later, when Richard was telling Richlene about the little chapel he was building, Mana told him, “Build it a little way from this house so people can go in privacy if they want to and won’t nobody be laughin at em for goin!”

  Richard looked at her, “You think someone would laugh at a person going to church to pray?”

  Mana put her hands on her hips and asked, “You ever been to any church?”

  He shook his head and said, “No.”

  “Then just do what I ask you, please.” And so it was done.

  Mana and Richlene used the small chapel. Sally went there daily, even if only for a few moments. Richard would go there occasionally and sit very still as though he were waiting for something.

  several months later after another business trip, Richard went to Richlene’s rooms to visit her. He was hugging Richlene and happened to look over her head, finding himself looking into the angry eyes of Mana. He smiled anyway and said, “Good evening, Mana.”

  “Good evenin, sir.” She pursed her lips as if she was willing herself to speak or not to speak.

  He held Richlene away from him; she was laughing up at her father. “Richlene, you are gaining weight!”

  “She sure is gainin weight!” Mana’s hands went to her hips.

  “I have seen how much more she is eating. Good! She has a healthy appetite.” Richard laughed.

  Mana patted her foot. “Yes, suh, she’s eatin aplenty … now.”

  Richard sensed there was something else Mana wanted to say. He smiled, thinking, “Darkies are so strange. Why should she be afraid to speak to me?” Aloud he said, “What is it, Mana? Why does her appetite worry you? She is still a growing young girl of fourteen.”

  Richlene said proudly, “Four … teen and a … a half, Dadda.”

  Mana lowered her voice but still spoke with anger, “She is eatin for two, Mr. Befoe.”

  It took a moment for the words to sink in. His smile drained from his face. “For two?” he asked vaguely.

  “For two, I ‘magin. Only God knows just how many for sure.”

  Richard sat down clumsily. “Oh, my God, I don’t know …”

  Surprisingly, Mana’s voice softened, “You do know …”

  He looked into Mana’s eyes. He could see she knew all that had happened. He moaned, “Oh, my God, my God.”

  “No, Mr. Befoe, not your god, your little chile. This little chile here.”

  He wiped his brow. “How long, how far along …”

  “Too far, Mr. Befoe, she is already showin. One of them operations could kill her. Betta she have this baby and you all can do what you wants to. But she could have her life over again. One of them operation things might take her on away from … us. And I know she sho don’t deserve that.”

  Richlene sat at her father’s feet, looking up at him. “I am … miss … ing my monthly, Dadda.” She smiled. They did not think she really understood.

  Richard could only wipe his brow, shake his head and say, “Dear Lord.”

  Mana continued, “She got bout four more months to go. You got to think of something fore her time comes. You know, she can have that baby here at home. Most all these womens round here do. We got Ma Lal and that daughter of hers, Ma Mae. Then … I’ll take care it, I’ll raise it at my house.”

  Richard stood, “Don’t be absurd, Mana.” But he was thinking about what she had said.

  “Scuse me, Mr. Befoe, but I am not the ab … surd person round here.”

  Richlene looked from one to the other of the people she loved. “Dadda? Why you fuss with … Mana?”

  “Daddy is not fussing, sweetheart. Mana is right.” He seemed not to know which way to turn. “I, Dadda is going … right now. I’ll be back to … tuck you in bed.” He looked at Mana.

  Mana spoke softly, “You know she gettin too old to be tucked in bed, but you come on back, Mr. Befoe, and tuck your chile in bed like you been doing for years when you home. I’ll be here.”

  Richard went to find Sally. Anxious, distraught, and almost in tears, he told her that Richlene was going to have a baby. “MY baby,” he whispered in agony.

  “Oh, Richard, Richard,” she whispered back as her back bent with the news. Sally was quiet a moment, then she straightened up. “We will do nothing now. We will see that Richlene is healthy. I shall take her one day on a train ride and we shall go to Pittsburgh or some large city and see a doctor. If you tell Carlene.… Don’t tell Carlene. Don’t tell Carlene, yet. Let her, just let everything happen naturally. She will see … soon enough.” And so they did. And so Carlene did, two months later in Richlene’s eighth month.

  Satan had not liked Sally, now he did not like Mana. She was not without her wrongs, but she didn’t help him much at all. But then, Satan does not like anyone. He was amused at the situation though, as usual.

  chapter

  20

  mana and Sally had dressed her in wide, loose clothes and Carlene seldom really looked at Richlene anyway, but, one day, she did.

  One morning, Richlene was out in the gardens helping Joel Jones, the gardener, dig and place the plants and bulbs. She was laughing and playing with Joel’s little son, Lucas. Carlene came out of the house to go to the horse stables. She looked and paid attention only to the fact that Richlene always seemed to be around a Negro. She thought as she stopped, “She likes niggers! It’s because of that Mana of hers that I can’t seem to tear her away from!” Then,
she thought of Joel being a man. “Richlene is almost fifteen now, she is too old to be alone with Joel so much.” Joel was her best horse man and had been for several years. He gardened because he liked it and it brought in a little extra money for his new family he was beginning with his wife Ruth. “Or,” Carlene thought, “because he has his black eyes on Richlene because she is so dumb!”

  “Richlene!” she called, “Richlene! Come here! It is too hot for you to be out here doing work like this! Go inside the house. Take a nap … do something else!”

  Richlene rose from the ground slowly, wiping her hands on the apron Mana had given her to wear for yard work. She said nothing as she walked toward her mother, her face half-turned to the side, looking at her mother. The extra weight and size of her stomach made her walk a bit wide-legged.

  Carlene’s eyes slowly moved down Richlene’s body. The thought took a moment to materialize. “Why does Richlene look so funny? What’s the matter with her legs?” Then her eyes slowly moved up Richlene’s body and the bulging stomach stopped her eyes. Carlene opened her mouth to speak then stopped, then started again. “What’s the matter with your stomach, Richlene?”

  Richlene looked down, saying nothing. Then, she looked back into her mother’s face, still with her own face turned to the side as she reached Carlene. Carlene snatched the apron to the side and up … and there Richlene stood, her pregnancy large and so obvious. Carlene gasped, her hand flew to her mouth.

  “Richlene!” Her voice was harsh, “What has happened to you?!” She threw the apron tail at Richlene and looked at Joel. “Joel! What have you done to my daughter?! Why, you black nigger bastard!” Then she screamed for help. “Mana! You black bitch! Sally!” She screamed louder. “Joel, don’t you move! I’m calling the sheriff! I will have you killed for this! She is a white woman. A child!”