In Search of Satisfaction

by J. California Cooper

  chapter

  28

  she was settled at last, all her belongings neatly put away in her own home, so many new things to have and enjoy. Settled. It had taken time, but it was done. Yin smiled to herself as she looked over all she now owned. Her home. Her child’s home. A family with a home. She frowned, thinking, “My child better not be too dark. But I can take care of that. I will cross that ocean when I get to it.”

  Very soon after Yin moved into her own house, she was sitting on her veranda looking toward the road. It was lonelier now. She had enjoyed some kind of closeness with Sally and Richlene and Minna in the Befoe house, and now there was no one. Sally came sometimes for little short visits. Yin didn’t encourage anyone to come, really, because her pregnancy was showing, and she didn’t want anyone counting the time and perhaps mentioning it to Carlene.

  This morning she was looking at the main road some distance from her house. Someone, a woman, bent a bit and walking slowly, turned into her entrance. Yin watched the woman as she slowly moved closer to her. She felt a bit comforted that people would be stopping by, even though she didn’t really want company. She fluffed her dress over her stomach. And waited.

  When the figure was closer, Yin could see it was an older woman, but she did not recognize her. “Maybe selling eggs or something,” she thought. Yin went into the house to get a dipper of water for such kinds of company and was holding it for the visitor when she finally arrived.

  Smiling an almost toothless grin, the woman spoke as she reached for the dipper, “How do?” As she drank, Yin looked her over. The old woman was not in rags; in fact, her clothes were rather nice and clean. Yin thought to herself, “Someone she worked for probably gave them to her.” Aloud she said, “How do you do? What can I do for you this morning?”

  The woman returned the dipper to her, still smiling. “Oh, that was good! An old body like mine surely needed that there water. I done walked a long way, least it sure seem like it. I ain’t use to it. I don’t get out much no more.” Yin smiled, waiting.

  The woman came up on the porch and sat down without being invited, breathing heavily from the walk. Yin sat down slowly, waiting. Still smiling, the woman said, “Oh, you don’ need to treat me like no compny, I done known you since you was a born baby.”

  Now Yin smiled. “You have?”

  “Sho have. I was there the day you was born. I was helpin the midwife what tended your mother. My name Laly, they call me Ma Lal. I’m the colored mid-wife roun here. The oldest and the best one.” She laughed; it was like a cackle.

  “You knew my mother? I mean, you saw her? Helped her?”

  “Yes ma’am! She was a mighty fine woman. Didn’t have no easy time wit you gettin here.” She cackled again then looked slyly sideways at Yin. “I knew your daddy, too.”

  Yin leaned forward. “Oh! You did? You knew my father?”

  “Yes mam. He was a fine man, as men go.” She cackled softly, never taking her eyes from Yin’s face.

  “Well.” Yin sat back. “It’s very nice of you to come by to see me. How did you know I was here? Oh! That’s right, Minna is your grandchild, she must have told you.”

  “Tha’s right. She a good child. I hate to see her over there workin for that ole Miz Befoe, but when you ain’t got no money, you got to do what you got to do! That ole Miz Befoe can be mean though.” Ma Lal fanned herself a moment with her big rag handkerchief. Then, “I reckon you gon be needin some help here in this big ole house. Sho is pretty agin. You doin alright, chile!”

  Yin did not say anything. The woman continued speaking, “We colords sho do poorly here. Ain’t no place to get a real job what pays real money. We all poor, Miz Yinyang.” Ma Lal laughed her cackle again. “But you already know colords have a hard time in this world.”

  Yin looked down into her lap. “Yes, poor can be very hard. I know.”

  The answering cackle jerked Yin’s head up. Ma Lal was laughing, saying, “Wasn’t talkin bout just bein poor, darlin. What you know bout being poor anyway, Miz Lady? I bet you ain’t gone without too much!”

  “Well, you are wrong. I have.”

  “Well.” Ma Lal looked around at the house and grounds. “Well, it sho don’t seem like it. You sho is doin alright for yourself now.”

  “I try.” Yin was deciding she did not quite like the old woman. The cackle sounded. It irritated Yin and she frowned. Ma Lal said, “I try, too, daughter, I try hard, but it don’t do me no good like it done you.”

  Yin waited a moment while Ma Lal fanned again. Then Yin stood. “Well,” Yin said, “I have a million things to do. It was awfully nice of you to … stop by and visit, but I must go now.”

  “Wait a minute, daughter, I ain’t tole you why I come by here to you.”

  “No, you haven’t.”

  “Well.” The old woman bent her head and placed a gnarled, dry, wrinkled old hand up to her brow. “Well, I don’t need to tell you I’m old and I got a fam’ly to watch out for. I don’t have no money … and I need some. I come here to see could you find it in your heart to help a old woman who done helped your mama … and your daddy.” She looked up at Yin and smiled.

  “I … I have a … dollar … or two I can let you have.”

  “A dollar or five ain’t gon help me … none!”

  “What did you want … need?”

  Ma Lal still smiled. “I need a hundred … or two.”

  Now Yin laughed. “Ma Lal, I don’t have that kind of money to give away. I am a single woman … now. I need everything I have.”

  “Not as much as me.”

  Yin shook her head. “You are not my responsibility. You have children. And please stop calling me ‘daughter’.”

  “I think if you think on it, you will find your way to give me what I ask for.”

  “I don’t think that will help.”

  Ma Lal looked sly again. “People roun here don’t know bout you what I do. If they was to know … everythin … well, everythin just might change on you.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I tole you, I know your daddy.”

  “So?”

  “Josephus was your daddy. Jus like he was Ruth’s daddy. He a colored man. I knowed him and all he done. You got plenty relations round here is black as me. Luke, Lettie, Lovey and that un that went away. They’s your natural blood kin. I knowed Bessel when she had that baby for Josephus! He didn’t know it, but tween her mama and her, I knew it. Ruth! Ruth was what she named that chile. See, I know! I know bout that gold, too. I know bout that diamond ring, cause Ruth had it on evertime she gave birth to a baby. She didn’t have no money to pay me! I told her, ‘Sell that ring, you have you some money!’ But she was a damn fool, wouldn’t sell it. Stayed poor! Died poor! Now, she gone, he gone, but that ring still somewhere! Glittering, shining, alive! I always wonder where she got that ring, but I blive I know. Your mama was dead when Josephus took you away. You! You ain’t no white woman. Now … I ain’t tole nobody. But I know you passin for white, but you ain’t white. Now this little money ain’t gon hurt you. And I needs it! You can get you some more.”

  “You certainly know a lot about my money and me, Miz Lal.”

  “I know a lot bout a whole lot of things, daughter. I know how to keep my mouf shut, so people can run they bi’ness like they want to.”

  “I’m running my business like I want to, and I don’t include you in it. Now … I think you had better go.”

  Ma Lal did not rise. She choose to look sad and try again. “Daughter, I’m a old woman, done wore myself out livin and doin for other peoples. Just help me this here one time, I won’t never come to you agin.”

  “Miz Lal, you had all those years to plan ahead and do for yourself. You didn’t even know if I was coming back here or not, so you do not count on me. I have to look out for myself … and that’s what I’m gonna do.”

  Ma Lal stirred herself to rise. “If I tell … the right people … bout what you really is, you might not have no bi’ness to
run.”

  “I am not afraid of anything you might say. Look at me. No matter what I have in my blood inside me, my outsides are white. I don’t care about being colored, cause I am me. I’m not hiding … anything. Now you tell whoever you want to. I’m still me and I still look like I look. I am not ashamed. And … as a matter of fact … you weren’t in my mama’s womb, so you don’t know who put me there. Now … I have asked you to leave. Now … leave my home. And do not come back. You are not welcome here.”

  Ma Lal slowly stood, brushed and straightened her clothes. “I’ma leave, daughter. I’ma leave. But you should have listened to me, helped me. I sho would’a helped you.”

  “Just help yourself.”

  “I tends to, daughter, I tends to.” She slowly made her way down the steps onto the path leading to the gate. She turned back once. “You a fool, daughter. You could have the world on a hook. But you gonna need a fren. Everbody need a fren.”

  “Miz Lal, if I need a friend, I won’t look your way. Good day to you.”

  Ma Lal frowned a smile, then moved on.

  Yin watched the old lady make it to the road. She was thinking, “When I have my baby, I will deliver it myself! Women do it, I can do it. Nobody is going to know anymore of my business.”

  And that is how her months passed, preparing and getting ready for her child. As life moved on.

  chapter

  29

  life was moving slowly in Washington, D.C. for Hosanna, who woke up one morning in her employers’ house, their room and their bed. She even slept in a nightgown her employer, Mrs. Doll, had given her. She lay there a while thinking, “I am so lonely. Oh, God, I miss somebody who blongs to me. Are you up there, really? God? I don’t know who You are, but from what all I have heard of You, You are a mean, jealous man. You let little babies starve. You let there be wars. You call people to die. My mama and my daddy are dead. You left us kids all alone. By ourself. Then they say You are a God of love. I don’t know what to believe, but most all the people I hear talking about who and what you are, they wasn’t nothing themself! They didn’t do all those things You ask Your people to do. They did the opposite. Even on a dollar bill it says ‘In God We Trust.’ That’s a lie. They don’t trust nothing but that dollar bill. Now I know it’s SOMETHING up there, cause this world too big, the sky too big, oh, everything is too big for SOMETHING not to be there. And I notice the sun and the moon rise on time. Winter, summer, spring and fall get here, right on time. I seen a seed grow to a big ole plant from nothing but a little bitty seed. I watch the birds, see the trees. I feel the wind, the rain just coming from nowhere out the sky, washing this earth. It’s something so great and special on this earth, something special got to have put it there. Now … if You are there, will You help me? I want to go home. I got a home. I got sisters and a brother. I am so lonely, God. These people don’t love me. I miss love. Butler’s alright, but I miss having my own.” She thought a moment longer, then jumped up, saying, “Soul, let’s go home. We got a home!”

  She didn’t have any suitcase so she went to the store, got two, medium-sized cardboard boxes, took them home and packed them with all her worldly goods, as they say. She found some thick rope in the attic, wrapped and tied the boxes so one could follow the other as she pulled them along holding the long piece of rope on the end. She didn’t know exactly which way the railroad station was or just how she would get there, but she knew she could do it. She would not leave without talking to Mr. Butler first; he could tell her, she thought. She didn’t want to carry the boxes all over town, so she left them in a corner of her little attic room and walked over to Butler’s.

  She had saved EVERY dime she had made except for a little money she had sent home now and then and the money for stamps to mail the letters. Wouldn’t even buy a stick of candy or a book, and she loved books. Anyway, Mr. Butler let her read his. But she loved fairytales. The family she worked for had a daughter, so they had some fairytales and lots of other kinds of books, too. She read all of them she could, after she read the homework given her by Mr. Butler. Anyway, she had all her money. It came to about $103. Big money to her. Saved in only almost a year. Back then in 1914.

  She reached Mr. Butler’s house and knocked because he didn’t expect her. She would remember to leave his key. He answered, surprised, but welcomed her in.

  “I’m going on home, Mr. Butler.” The words burst from her smiling face.

  Mr. Butler looked down into the bright, dark eyes set in the honey brown face, the small full lips smiling open, showing white even teeth. He raised a hand and placed in on the head of thick dark hair that ended in a fat braid that reached just below her shoulders.

  “So … my little friend is going home to Yoville. You smile so, I won’t ask if anything is wrong there.”

  “No, sir, I don’t blive so.”

  “Well, come in, come in, sit down. The old gentleman is home so we won’t go upstairs. Let’s sit in here by the fireplace.” When she was settled, he looked at her with pleasure and respect showing in his eyes. “Hosanna, I have not known you very long, but you are very dear to me. Like a daughter I will never have.”

  “Thank you, sir. I am so glad I had you for my friend.”

  “Yoville is small. What will you do there?”

  “Oh, there some places to work, I guess. I’ll find something.”

  “Remember, Hosanna, you know a lot of things now. You have learned to embroider, knit, cook special foods, gourmet foods. These things are worth money. You can go into business for yourself. All you have to do is to do things well, as good as you can, and you are very good at these things. You know how to handle fabrics, clean and care for them. I am not saying you should be a domestic all your life, but money is made from the things people need. And … your work is special.”

  “Thank you, Mr. Butler.”

  “Go into business for yourself as soon as you can. You don’t have to start in any big way, you can start at home. Your work will advertise for you if it’s good, and I know yours is.” Hosanna grinned, happily. “Ask more money than people pay a sloven worker, because you are extra. Charge for it! And save!”

  “I done … have … saved $103.”

  “In all these months, that is all you have made?”

  “That’s good. My aunt never even had that much.”

  Butler smiled. “I want to give you a going away present. While I am gone, write your address down for me. And be sure you have mine where you will not forget it.” He left the room.

  “Yes, sir.” She got busy with the pencil and paper. When he returned, he handed her an envelope.

  “Now, Hosanna, do not think I am a fool. However, I do think of you like a daughter.” Hosanna looked into the envelope and saw a hundred dollar bill. She burst into tears and reached for him. He held her until she was only sniffling. “It may help you in a start. Buy things that will make money for you. Try not to be dependent on anyone until you are married.” He held her face, wet with tears and snot. “You’ll probably be getting married soon. A small town like that can be lonely. Take care. Let him come get you. Don’t go after him, it won’t end up being what you need.”

  “Yes, sir, Mr. Butler.” She moved away, preparing to leave.

  “Write me if you need anything, you hear?”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “I may surprise you one day. I may drop in and see how you are doing.”

  She opened the door. “Oh, Mr. Butler, you are fooling me.”

  “You can never tell. I’ll think of you often.” Then he told her where she had to go and how to get there. They held hands a moment. When she was out on the porch, the tears threatened to come again and there were tears in his eyes, too. She ran before she would cry and he watched her slim, little brave body until she turned a corner … and disappeared.

  Hosanna returned to her job and got her boxes. She wrote a note to Mrs. Doll. She didn’t mind leaving this way because the lady of the house had done her wrong in so many little
ways, knowing she had nowhere else to go. “I worked twenty-four hours a day with NO days off, cept to go do another job somewhere, so I will just say good-bye and thank you or thank you and good-bye.”

  Then she wrote Aunty a nice letter to thank her, also. “For nine years she gave me a home. I might’a slept on a cot and had to put my bedroom away every morning, but still I had a roof over my head and somebody that cared for me enough to see to me eatin and goin to school. She didn’t have to do it. I was a motherless child and she taken me in. I know now, people don’t HAVE to do anything for you! I did appreciate it. Wasn’t her fault bout that mess she had for a husband. And if it was her fault, it wasn’t my business. It was my business to get my own place if I didn’t like hers, and I did.”

  She wrote Aunty a nice, long note thanking her and telling her what she was going to do. “I know she gonna look for some money in this envelope, but I can’t put no money in it. I put some love in it. I hope she finds it. She needs it.”

  She packed herself a little lunch bag. Stuck her money to her oversized bra the lady had given her, with three safety pins and a tiny bell from the playroom that had broken off of something so she would ring if she happened to fall asleep on the train. She was a little frightened. She was alone again. Then she left, pulling her two boxes down the street, holding her purse and her lunchbag tightly in her hand. Going home. Her heart was soooooooo happy!

  As Hosanna pulled her boxes along, she thought about what Mr. Butler had said to her. “I know a whole lot of things I learned from Aunty and the ladies I have worked for. I know bout how to keep a house! I can set tables pretty as you want to see! I can cook things I never had no idea people ate before. Cook em good, too! I know how to keep a lady’s clothes up. I even learned how to dress a little from watchin other people select their clothes. Oh, they hadn’t meant to teach me cept what I needed to know to help them, but I love learning all kinds of things to help myself! Some things they didn’t even know how to do, just fixed it so I could learn. See? I don’t plan to do everything I know how to do for somebody else all the time! I plan to do it for me! My boxes are packed and my brain is too!” Hosanna smiled as she talked to herself, pulling the boxes on her way home.