In Search of Satisfaction

by J. California Cooper

  All the lamps and candles were out and each of them, Luke, Lettie and Lovey, were alone in their rooms with their thoughts.

  Luke, in his underwear, lay on his side, staring through the little window at the night, the stars, the shapes of the trees. His breathing was soft, though he was tired from a hard day’s work with the horses. Now that Mr. Befoe was getting sicker, wasn’t nobody to talk to bout the horses and what they needed, cept Creed, and what could Creed do? Anyway, he had other problems. Luke looked past the trees up to the dark sky.

  “I’m a man, Lord. I’m a man and I can’t even take care of my sisters enough so one can go to school and the other one can rest some and go be with that man she love. Lettie scared to get married and leave us cause what can Lovey do? She try, but what can she do? Can’t take over the garden by herself and we needs that little money the Befoes pay me. Lettie tired, too. We all need to get on way from here, but where we goin? We poor. Ain’t got nothin but this house. And I can’t even always afford to fix it up when it need somethin. It need a roof right now. This the one my daddy put on here. It’s bout gone.”

  There were no tears in Luke’s eyes. They were in his heart trying to get to his eyes, but he wouldn’t let them. “What I’m gonna do, Lord? I could make more money somewheres else. I know aplenty to do. But I can’t leave. What would my sisters, my family do? One young and tired. One with no legs? Lettie need to have her own life now, she bout grown. I know she loves that boy Boyd. And what Lovey gonna do alone? Die? Everybody else done left, could they help it or not. I can’t leave them, Lord, they mine. My re-spon-si-bi-lity. I loves em, Lord. I loves em, but I miss my papa and my mother. Why they both had to go, Lord? Why you take everything? And why I love that lady Richlene like I do? I know she not sposed to be no real grown woman, but I know she a real woman. I love her like she a real woman, Lord, you know I do. Ain’t no use in thinkin of that. Lil Wisdom try to think she love me, but she a chile. I ain’t thinkin of Lil Wisdom either. Nobody but Richlene. A rich, white man’s daughter. Lord, Lord, what I’m gonna do? I ain’t done no livin either. All my life I been livin my daddy’s life. What about me, Lord, what about my satisfaction? I ain’t sayin take the cross off my back, I love my sisters. I’m just sayin give me a cane, a wheel, I’ll do somethin with it. Just a little help, Lord. A little help. I blives in you.”

  the moonlight moved through other windows of the little house, faintly lighting up the kitchen and the little sitting room that was next to Lettie’s room. She was turned, facing the wall in her little bed. Her strong, healthy body was wrapped in the big, poorly fitting gown the white lady at one of her jobs had given her instead of throwing it out in the trash.

  Lettie put her hand out through the darkness and placed it on the wall as though she would push the wall away. Her other hand smoothed over her ripe, full body. “Young, strong, full of come and ain’t had enough of nothin! And none of somethin!” Then she shook her head to chase those thoughts away, but she couldn’t, they would not leave.

  “Lord, I been seein and I been readin and I know there is romance and love and satisfaction in life. Why can’t I get any? I loves Lovey, I loves Luke. But I loves Boyd too. I always got to choose. I got to choose them cause I can’t leave Lovey on her knees and Luke on his behind tryin to make out a life for everbody. But I needs … Oh Lord, I needs … somethin! I ain’t happy. I ain’t unhappy, cause I love my family, but Lord, I ain’t got no satisfaction in my nights. I wants to be married. I wants my own chilren … after a while. But Jesus, is this all there is gonna be? Is this all they gonna be for me? Lovey can’t never change. She gonna be here forever. Do I gotta stay with her? Oh, I love her, Lord, don’t blame me that, but I love me too and I wants somethin for me. Lord, other girls, other women, gonna give Boyd what he want. He be hangin roun down there at Choke’s ole juke pool joint. They have real, live musicians sometime. Women always be hangin roun there, too. They sho gonna give him what he want. I can’t. Spose I get pregnant? Sides, You done said not to. But you ain’t here, Lord, You ain’t me.”

  Satan loves those words. He smiled.

  Tears moving slowly down Lettie’s face, she continued speaking to God, “You in heaven. I wants to be in heaven … on earth. Boyd make me feel like I could be in heaven on earth. Oh, I ain’t bad, God, I’m just … lonely … and ugly … and poor. And I hurt. My heart hurt and my body hurt, cause I ain’t got no pleasure, no satisfaction out of my life. I know they love me, but they ain’t enough, Lord, they just ain’t enough seem like. Is this all I’m gonna get? What I done already got? I don’t want much, just a little somethin. A little somethin. Can you see your way to send me a little somethin, God? You don’t know. It’s awful lonely down here. Somethin be empty inside you. Somethin be gnawin away at your insides. Somethin hungry … and you ain’t got nothin to feed it. I wants to be full, Lord. Oh, Jesus, I want to be full of food and joy and happiness, not all this empty. Boyd say he can satisfy my life. Well, I want … I neeeed some satisfaction, God.” Satan moved away. But God didn’t.

  the moon moved through the windows of Lovey’s room. She was sitting up in an old slip Lettie had given her from one of her jobs. Lovey looked down at her knees. She rubbed them a moment, thinking, “Don’t you worry. I love you. You mine. You all I got to move in this world with. I just wish we could walk away and let my famly go. I know Luke could leave and I know Lettie love Boyd but just don’t let go and leave us. It’s me. Cause if they was alone, they could both go and live how they want to. I want to live a life, too. Thank you, God, for givin me books. Books is my whole world. They take me way from round here. I done seen Spain and China … a little bit. I done seen some of America. Hosanna done seen it, sure nuff. If I could walk there to that Washington, I would. Sure would, Lord.

  “I know I ain’t never gonna have nothin but my brother and my sister. Hosanna ain’t never comin home from that city. I don’t blame her neither. But I ain’t never gonna have nothin but me and Pap. But you know, God, I got a heart. I am a soul. You gave everybody else legs so they could search for their satisfaction. But … I ain’t got none what works. What I’m sposed to do? Crawl to mine? I ain’t mad at you, God, but I want, I want, I want and I need, I need, I need … everything. I want to help my brother and my sister, too. But …” She began to cry. “I can’t do nothin! Nothin!” She whispered out loud, “I ain’t nothin. I ain’t got no satisfaction. I keep them from they own satisfaction. I ain’t nobody’s satisfaction. Who gonna ever, ever, ever love me? And what I’m gonna do with all the love I got carryin round with me?”

  Lovey reached through the darkness for the flower she had taken to bed with her. “Everythin so pretty, Lord. But not me. Who want to look at these legs? Legs ain’t but a piece of my body, but legs can do so much, God. You made em, and you know. Oh, I dreams of love. I dreams of bein held in somebody’s arms some day. I’m too young now, but I’m gonna be grown. Like Hosanna, like Lettie. I dream of my own house, my own children, some more dogs. I dream and … I have to let em die gone … cause I know it never will be for me. But God, it hurts somebody. Sometime I hate my legs, but they can’t help it. It just me … and ain’t no use in dreamin. I got to learn to stop dreamin. I’m gonna die just like I am now. I wisht I had died and my brother and mother had lived.”

  Lovey fell back in the bed, pulling her useless legs up on it. Tears slid down her young, pretty cheeks, wetting her pillow and her hair. She closed her eyes to try to sleep. “Give me somethin, Lord, give me somethin. I’ll do somethin with it, I betcha that! Bye, Lord, see you tomorrow.” She raised her head one last time. “And give my brother Luke and my sister Lettie somethin for them, too.” She lay her head slowly down. The moon moved on and darkness filled the little room as Lovey, heart and tears with her, thankfully sank softly into sleep, ending her day.

  outside on the road, at last, everything was so quiet to Hosanna. She could hear the crickets and a bird call now and then cutting through the night. She listened hungrily to every soun
d as she pulled her little red wagon. Home. She felt like crying she was so full of the desire to be home and she was almost there—sweat pouring down her body, tired as she could be. She began to recognize some of the landmarks. Some rich person’s big house sat far back from the road, closed now, until some season when they would return. A huge, beautiful tree, things like that remembered from her last looks as she turned back with huge eyes when she was taken away by her aunt. These things seem to give her new strength.

  Hosanna finally saw the house. Her house. She walked slowly into the yard and stood there a moment feeling the silence and the thrill of being home. “The house kinda looks the same,” she thought. “Small. But it’s neat, looks clean. Not painted, just clean. Look at that large porch. I don’t remember that too much. Three chairs. One of them sure is cut low. Well, they gonna need one more.” She walked around the house. “Plenty big garden all round the house. That’s good. I sure hope they cook some of them turnip greens for dinner! I don’t remember them animal pens. But I could’a forgot. They must be doin alright! Lord, don’t let me commence to cryin.”

  She did commence to crying. Didn’t mean to, just couldn’t help it. She started running. She held tightly to her wagon handle and began to shout “Mama!” but did not know it. A lamp light came on. The door opened. Hosanna screamed, “Mama!” Someone ran out, then somebody else came out behind them. That red wagon was just bumping and rolling behind her. She screamed again, “Mama! It’s me. Hosanna!” The wagon ended up running into the porch as Hosanna stumbled, falling up the steps and into the open arms of her sister Lettie, her brother Luke. She felt someone, Lovey, wrapping her arms around her hips. She looked down. “My sister Lovey.” With a gasp, Hosanna stopped crying suddenly. She just held onto those holding her. She was home. That’s what she said, “I’m home. You all, I’m home.”

  it was a happy time and a sad time when Hosanna came home. They were happy to see their sister, their mother and father’s flesh and blood. Home! But as poor people have to do, they also thought in terms of her help. Her making things lighter for all in the house.

  The house was clean though you could tell it was kept up by someone who could not do things so well. Lovey. It was bare except for essentials. There was an old wood-burning cookstove. It worked, but it was inadequate. Used also for heat for the whole house. An unmatched set of table and chairs. Three beds, old, one held up by bricks underneath. Mattresses were filled with cornshucks and cotton. They had to be aired and fluffed up every two weeks or so. Some places in the house you could see through to the outside and the floor beneath. The wood drying, shrinking. The holes were filled with newspaper and rags. Not too many holes, but they were there. And even light rain showed signs of coming through the roof. Hosanna thought of her three hundred dollars and sighed, though she told no one she had it.

  Hosanna, Luke, Lettie and Lovey sat around the stove in the darkened kitchen. Glowing flames from the fire lighting their faces with flashes of warm gold. She told them about the big city. The jobs and the schools. She told them about her day getting to them. About Aunt Ellen, Yin and the baby. Lettie asked, “Did she pay you?”

  Hosanna smiled, slightly, “I’m gonna take care of that.”

  Lettie didn’t smile. “You must have money then.”

  “Well, I wouldn’t say that.” Hosanna didn’t know why she made those answers, but she was not ready yet to bare herself. It was also something about the tone of Lettie’s voice. Hosanna wanted to know more about her family and the house she was to live in.

  Every once in a while, Lovey reached out and patted Hosanna’s knee or arm. Hosanna turned to her with a bright, loving smile when she did that. At last Lovey burst into tears and no one knew exactly why. Hosanna hugged her tightly.

  Luke spoke as man of the house, a role he had taken on as a child. He was a man now. “You all betta get some sleep. Daylight be here fore you know it.” Lovey had the largest room and the largest bed and wanted Hosanna to share her room. “You sleep with me!” she said. “I’ll share my room with you!” Hosanna agreed. Lettie didn’t say anything. They loved each other, these sisters, but between Lettie and Lovey there were quarrels because Lettie was tired and Lovey couldn’t do more. Lettie’s bed was smaller, but she still felt something of an outsider with Hosanna in Lovey’s room. Them alone. Together. The mattress was uncomfortable and, being used to sleeping alone, the bed felt crowded to Hosanna. “I’m gonna have to do something about this.” Hosanna thought on her first night home. “A few days will be alright though.” And so it was.

  The next night Luke said to Hosanna, “I get up early and sometime I don’t even come home cause I got to be there so early. I work over at the Befoes as garden man and horse helper, like daddy did.”

  Lovey laughed as she pulled and tucked the rags around her knees. “Oh, he in love with that ole, slow white woman, Richlene!”

  “I ain’t! You betta quit sayin that on me, Lovey. You gonna get me into some trouble!”

  “You can’t get in no trouble if you don’t do nothin wrong!” They all laughed but Lettie. On this the second night, she rose and stretched, saying, “You all hush now, cause I got a long day head of me tomorrow.”

  Hosanna turned to her. “You work at the Befoes, too?”

  “Naw, I does housework for two other families round here. They ain’t rich as the Befoes, but they near it. I work for some other rich folks when they here in the summers and things. I worked for Mrs. Befoe once, but she talk too mean to people!” Lettie yawned and stretched again, preparing to leave the room.

  Hosanna caught the tail of her dress. “You all talk strange. Don’t you all go to school round here?”

  They looked at her like she was crazy. Luke spoke first, “Ain’t nobody got no time for no school round here. I went sometime when Mama was alive … and we had a teacher here for a quick minute. Didn’t no teacher want to teach in that ole, leandown barn Mrs. Befoe gave em. Anyway, the man of the house ain’t got no time to be sittin up in no school wit no book. Lovey got a girl come by here sometime to teach her. Indian girl, name of Little Wisdom. We all learns somethin. I read some, write some. Miz Richlene help me some. I makes out.”

  Lovey got out of her chair, asking, “You been to school?”

  Hosanna watched her walk on her knees to the bedroom. “Enough. I had help.” She thought of Butler.

  Lovey spoke over her shoulder, she sounded tired. “I’ll clean up tomorrow.” She pushed herself up on the low bed Luke had made for her. She took off her dress and turned her body to lay down.

  Hosanna called to her, “Don’t you take those dirty rags off your legs fore you get in bed?” She had been too tired to notice before.

  Lovey answered softy, “No. Ain’t nobody here, wasn’t nobody here but me. I just have to get up and put em on again in the mornin.” She lay down, then asked, “You want me to take em off? For you?” She sounded about to cry.

  Hosanna sighed, “No. No, that’s alright this time. You gonna get some clean rags to put on in the morning?” She moved into the bedroom.

  Lovey sighed, “I wash these out every Sat’day.” She looked at her knees like they were strange to her.

  Hosanna stretched out on the bed. “You ever exercise your legs?”

  Lovey laughed, “I get plenty exercise.”

  “I mean the parts you don’t use much.”

  “No. I don’t use em cause I can’t, so how I’m gonna exercise em?”

  Hosanna patted her sister, “Go to sleep. We’ll talk about it another day.” Lovey patted her back. “Hosanna, I’m so glad you here. I thought about you all them years when you sendin us some money sometime. And I knew you loved us and didn’t forget us. I loved you, too. I’m glad my sister is home.”

  Hosanna put her arm around Lovey and held her until she went to sleep, thinking, “What kind of life would Lovey have if she had no learning at all?” Hosanna thought of the few books she had brought. She thought of the red wagon. She determined she woul
d do SOMETHING about Lovey getting around. “I know I better look for some way to bring some money in and get this here house fixed, but first, I’m gonna make it run better!” Then she fell asleep. A deep, deep, good home sleep.

  chapter

  33

  hosanna spent her first few days just getting used to being home. Lovey seemed so happy to be sharing her room with her, she decided to stay there. She gave it a good cleaning, the both of them sharing the work. Lovey’s body was strong, but it took double the time and a lot of effort to get back down on your knees from one place and trudge to the next place, where with legs you just made a few steps. Hosanna began to appreciate her own body more. They were both pretty girls. Hosanna had a browner tone to her skin, where Lovey had a golden tone. Both had long hair. Hosanna had one braid down just below her shoulders; Lovey had two braids, one on each side of her head. Both had skin that was smooth and soft. Both had hard hands and chipped nails from their hard work. Hosanna’s eyes were round, clear and almost black. Lovey’s were almond shaped and a lighter brown, like the gold had slipped from her golden eyelids to run to her eyes. Lovey’s breasts were just beginning to bud; Hosanna had a moderate but full sized bust. Their parents would have been proud they had made such lovely, healthy children. Except for Lovey’s legs.

  In the middle of something, Hosanna would look up and Lovey would just be staring at her, eyes full of joy and love. Lovey loved to hear about the city. After a few days of this, Hosanna would just sigh, smile and tell her again, leaving out the sad parts. She would then change the subject.

  “When are you going to start doing something about your legs, Lovey?”