In Search of Satisfaction

by J. California Cooper

  Yin had had her rich husband, now divorced. She had her two children and Aunt Ellen, and all seemed to get along well. The baby girl was still quite young, and Monigold was trying to take her away from Yin. He knew Yin left for long weeks, leaving the children with Aunt Ellen. No one knew just where Yin went, except perhaps Arabella. Yin was an excellent mother when she was home. Her satisfaction was love, money and family. She seemed to have it all.

  Old Mr. Creed had been lonely, too. But there was a worn path from his house to Yin’s to visit Aunt Ellen where he had dinner quite often and stayed to putter around for many hours. They were almost like a family. Creed’s satisfaction was an independant son, a little loving and doing what he felt like doing, which wasn’t much more than fishing sometimes.

  old Mrs. Befoe had an almost empty house. Minna had moved in after Richlene and Sally had gone. She still threatened, under her breath, to leave, but so far she had stayed. The spider still lived, going back and forth outside as it needed. Mrs. Befoe had seen it once and it had frightened her greatly, but she could never find it again. She asked Minna to look for it. “I don’t want to see no black widow spider!” The spider still watched Carlene through curled legs.

  Sally never came to see her, but sometimes left fresh vegetables that grew profusely in the garden that she, Russell, Ann and now William tended. She left them on the back steps of the huge, almost empty house.

  Lettie was usually silent when she came to visit Hosanna and Lovey. She seldom smiled. She would sit holding her smallest baby, listening to Hosanna tell a helper, “No, don’t rub that, just squeeze, see? Squeeze. These are delicate things!” Hosanna would ask Lettie how she was doing, Lettie would usually answer, “Just holdin a baby, holdin a baby! All my life just a holdin a baby, mine or my mama’s! Cookin and washin clothes! From Luke to Lovey to my own! Never nothin in my life! Just holdin a baby, holdin a baby! No! I ain’t gonna help you wash no clothes! Ain’t never nothin in my life but work!”

  • • •

  so the days went. So the years went. Two or three more.

  One day Lovey raised her head up over the washtub from squeezing some lingerie, looked at Hosanna and asked, “This all we ever goin to do all our life? You ain’t married and I ain’t never goin to be married!” Lovey broke into crying and ran on her knees into the house, not even using the ramp. Pap, the dog, quite old now, followed Lovey into the house.

  Hosanna stood there a minute, arms covered with soap suds, staring after Lovey. Then she sighed and turned her face to the horizon. “Everybody wants somebody. I still got Homer. None of the women I send him off to can get him to marry them. I’m kinda half satisfied because I don’t want no problems. But … I am twenty-four years old now. I must be the oldest virgin in the world, God.

  “And God, Lovey, Lovey is a virgin, too. I’m sure of it. God, you have given us all these tools on our bodies to work with. Why can’t you send somebody to use these tools? With love, I mean. Lovey is a young lady. A young woman now. God, who is she going to have? She got to have somebody. A life! Legs or not!” Hosanna dried her hands and went in to find Lovey crying, sprawled across her bed with the lovely chenille bedspread on it and all the little love pillows strewn across the head. Pap lay on the floor beside the bed, looking up at Hosanna as if he were imploring her to please help Lovey.

  Hosanna looked at the stack of magazines on the table next to the bed. Love stories, romance, all the same kind. Hosanna pointed at the magazines and looked up to God meaningfully. “Help,” she thought to herself. She patted Pap’s head as she sat on the side of the bed.

  She put her hand gently on Lovey’s shoulder and asked, “Want to go out and buy a new dress? Let’s go get Homer to take us to Mythville and get us some new clothes. We deserve it! I’ll pay. You keep your money.

  Lovey’s voice was muffled in the spread, “I don’t have no money noway.”

  Hosanna eye’s opened wide, “Why? I pay you. Good.”

  “I give it to them poor kids over to the school.”

  “Poor kids!? You are poor, too!”

  “I know, Hosanna.” Lovey raised her head and sniffled, “But I got more than they do. Sides, where I’m going to wear a new dress? Church? I’m sick of that ole lyin preacher. Always tryin to feel on people. Don’t nobody care what I have on noway.”

  “It’s the only church we got round here, Lovey. We don’t go for the preacher, we go because … because … I don’t know why we go to that church. Cause God is sposed to be there. Sometimes it seems more like Satan’s church though.” She thought a moment. “You care what you have on whether anyone else does or not, don’t you?”

  “I ain’t nobody.”

  Hosanna leaned over her sister, stroking Lovey on her soft, feminine back. “Honey, Lovey, someday somebody is going to love you. Going to come and love you and marry you and take you away.”

  “Where? To the shit house? Ain’t nobody around here got no place to take me. Probly want to come live here and have our home! That’s the only reason somebody would marry me. Don’t nobody else want them either!”

  Hosanna persisted, softly, “I don’t think that’s true. I think you are beautiful. Your legs may not be like everybody else’s, but you work, you are independant. You can do whatever you want to.”

  Lovey raised her head to wipe at her eyes. “I can’t run to no husband. I got a heart with no legs.”

  Hosanna searched for the right words to say to this sister she loved so much. “Wellll … there’s more ways to get a husband besides walking and running to him.” They were quiet a long moment. Finally, Hosanna went back outside and Lovey lay there thinking about what she had said. Lovey was sad, sad, sad, lonely and alone. She had a grieving spirit and body. She felt her empty heart would ache forever.

  Hosanna commenced to squeeze and rinse the lovely lingerie roughly, thinking. “I think I will get Homer to take us over to Choke’s juke joint next time they have some live music. Ain’t nobody worth nothing in Choke’s, but maybe Lovey will feel good just getting out. And we will go get some new dresses, too!” She began to squeeze and dip the lovely garments so hard, she had to remind herself, “These are delicate things.” She looked toward the house Lovey was hurting in. “The heart is a delicate thing, God. You made em. You must’a made one to match. If You visiting anywhere Lord, come by here, please.”

  Hosanna looked in the direction of the chicken house where she kept her money buried until she could get it to the bank. With the war, taxes had increased, so she kept more buried in the chicken house than she took to the bank nowadays. “I’m a’get those dresses.”

  So … the day came when Homer drove them over to Mythville in an old secondhand Ford. A real car! They shopped and shopped until Hosanna finally put a sad, little smile on Lovey’s pretty face. Hosanna picked out a dress for Lettie, too. Then they planned when they would go to Choke’s juke joint.

  Lettie smiled when Hosanna gave her the dress, but shook her head sadly, “Boyd won’t let nobody keep the kids but me. He say a mother should be home with her children.”

  “Well, what about the father? I hear he is out all the time. Dancing and drinking at Choke’s and even out of town.”

  “Well,” Lettie picked up her smallest child, too big to be held too long now, “he says he a man. That’s why.”

  Hosanna put her hand on her hip. “Well, I say you are a woman! Aunt Ellen will keep these beautiful children as good as a grandmother would. You going with me!”

  Lettie sat down, starting to cry softly, “Oh, Hosanna. I’m so unhappy and sorrowful. Boyd don’t love me. I got him to marry me and now he ain’t never home. He have other women. They come by here to pick him up. He laugh, say, friend! and run out to em. We don’t never make love no more. Not since this third baby and he goin on three years old now. Boyd say, ‘I didn’t want that one and I don’t want no more!’ He make me do things to him so he can come and then he leave me unsatisfied. And alone.”

  Hosanna got angry. She
knew something had been wrong, but Lettie didn’t usually like to talk her private business, so Hosanna hadn’t asked her, being so involved in her own business, too. She put her arm around Lettie now. “Listen, Lettie, honey, you fought till you got that man. Got mad at everybody because you didn’t have him. Now just like you fought then, fight now. For your own happiness. You can’t stay with him if he is goin to wrinkle your forehead and put tears in your eyes. He put those marks on you that you have been hiding?”

  Lettie nodded her head. “But it was my fault, I nagged him. He was tired.”

  Hosanna nodded her head, “Yes, tired from being out doing what he wants to do. Please, put this dress on and go with us tomorrow night. He can’t fuss at you about being with your own sisters!”

  “Yes, he can.”

  “Well, let him. He ain’t God. This ain’t his world and you ain’t his child! Now! Have you got enough gumption to do something YOU want to do? For a change?”

  Lettie’s tears dried, she nodded and took the first new dress she had had in years with a smile on her drawn face.

  The evening of the going-out party, everyone was cleaning, combing, curling, pulling, smoothing, looking in mirrors, patting perfume and powders, bathing, painting and polishing. Getting ready for a night out. Hosanna laughed happily to herself. “Going to Choke’s!”

  chapter

  43

  lettie dressed at home with Hosanna and Lovey. Lovey laughed out loud happily, “Goin out to a nightclub!” The old, tin tub had been emptied and refilled two or three times already and was a’splashing and a’sudsing, cleaning the happy bodies. Ladies going out to have a good time. “Living, chile!”

  When all was ready, Lovey made Homer put her wagon in his car. “I’m not gonna be carried in no nightclub. I’m going in on my own!” Everybody laughed happily. Homer looked nice in a pressed, clean suit and some two-toned shoes he usually wore to church.

  At the entrance, Homer stopped to let the ladies off. He looked at them with pride. “Three beautiful ladies! All to myself!” There was happy laughter as he drove away to park. They could hear the band even outside on the street. The procession was a sad, happy one. Two beautiful stand up ladies and one beautiful one in a wagon … sashaying and wheeling into the club.

  Inside, the bass drum shook the building. The music was blasting, but it sounded good. Through the smoke you could see the glinting, golden horn. “Listen to that man play that thing!” And the guitar man! “My Lord, my Lord!!” somebody hollered. Nobody noticed the smoke, nobody cared. There was a crowd. Painted women in red, yellows, gold and green dresses, some with slits up to their knees! Men—cleaned, polished, oiled and slick—stood around at the bar. Some men were in coveralls, clean, poor but ready to laugh and party.

  Homer had arranged for a table in advance, thinking of Lovey. Her eyes were huge, taking in the whole room of people, men and women, having FUN! Her ears were opened wide, she loved music. She moved into her seat by herself. Just lifted and plopped herself right over. Her heart was filled with such joy … to be out! At night! With regular people! And all dressed up! She was beautiful. And … she was happy!

  Lettie was less secure but held her head up and kept walking, sitting prettily in her pretty dress with her hair done so nice by Hosanna. Lettie felt pretty for the first time since her second week of marriage. She was happy, but she kept looking for Boyd who had been angry when she had taken the children over to Aunt Ellen, telling her, “You betta have your ass home when I get back!” She knew he might be there, in Choke’s somewhere. Still … her legs kept carrying her on, through the evening and into Choke’s to her seat.

  Hosanna felt as though all this was beneath her. “All these Negroes in here pretending they’re somebody! Well, the music sounds good so … let’s have a ball!” She felt beautiful, too, and her eyes sparkled as she felt the people looking at her and her sisters. They sure looked good!

  Homer was thinking, “It’s gonna cost me some money, but ain’t that what I work for? To make my lady happy? Someday my lady, I hope!”

  After they were seated, the smiling waitress struggled through dancing people to get to them. Hosanna and Lettie each had a Tom Collins “with a cherry please.” Homer had a beer. The ladies smiled. Lovey ordered a Singapore Sling which she had read about in her magazines (and which the waitress went back two or three times to find out how to make.) Lovey finally settled for a shot of bourbon, one of rum, one of gin and ginger ale mixed. They all laughed.

  Hosanna told Lovey, “You aren’t having but one of those!”

  Lovey sipped her drink, grinned and said, “I got money. I’ll buy what I want!” Then they all laughed again as she sipped her “Singapore shit,” as they called it.

  When the band took a break, Hosanna sipped her drink, looking around the room which held less people now, most having gone outside for …? The kitchen was frying chicken and fish. It sure did smell good! She saw the ladies and men, slapping each others’ shoulders as they playfully flirted and talked. She saw some others in corners, holding hands, looking into each other’s eyes. She saw men standing around, looking over the different ladies before they decided who they might try to win for the night.

  Lovey was looking, also. She saw women looking from under their lashes at the different men who looked handsome, away from their plows, in the bright colorful lights of the nightclub. Lovey and Hosanna would look at each other, sharing unspoken thoughts, smiling because they were out and everything looked and sounded so good. They looked at Lettie who was looking for Boyd. She was having a good time, but she was afraid of Boyd.

  Then, the band came back on and started to play. Their drinks were low, so Homer ordered another round for everybody. They laughed when it came to the Singapore Sling, but Lovey said, “I’m grown. Give me another one!” laughing, because she was already high.

  The music shot through the air. All eyes turned to the stage. They played a low-down-dirty blues. All of them, everybody, felt the music. They snapped their fingers and rolled their eyes, smiling, laughing. OH! The drummer was mellow now! The horn player was low and sweeeeeeet. The base player was deep and sweeeeeeeet. But the guitar player … he closed his eyes, he plucked the strings like he was making love to his guitar. Good, mellow, slow, down-deep-inside love! Hosanna closed her eyes, put her head back and smiled, snapping her fingers to the beat, shaking her head. They were all doing it, enjoying the music in their own way, it’s meaning all their own. Even Lettie closed her eyes, forgetting to watch for Boyd.

  The guitar man played so sweet, so low and so blue and loving that Hosanna opened her eyes, leaned forward and looked at him good. Studied him from the top of his head to his shoe soles. His hair was slick like a city man. His jacket hung over his shoulders and back casually. Looked good. His waist was slim, as were his hips. His pants draped on his body, just so, just right. Her eyes moved back down to his feet, she was entranced by them. He patted his foot, not with up and down pats, but by throwing his foot out to the side at each beat. And … he had on green suede shoes! Hosanna’s eyes moved slowly back up to his face. Glory be! His eyes were open and he was looking at her, moving his head to the music and smiling … at her. Her heart leaped right in her breast. When he sang out the words, “Baby, I’ll do what you want me to!” Hosanna’s heart flew right out of every opening in her body, straight to him. His guitar talked to her all night.

  Lettie had never seen or known so many men were in these parts around Yoville. She looked around at all of them. “My Lord, look at ALL them men! Where were they? Why, Hosanna was right, I hadn’t seen nothin! My goodness, my goodness.” And Boyd fell right out of her heart. Just like that. Well, he had been mean and he was not loving. She was not smart enough yet to know almost all the men in the club were Boyds.

  Noticing the other women, Lovey asked for a cigarette, got one and coughed and drank and flirted from her seat. Every once in a while she would think of Lincoln, but the thought soon disappeared in the crowd of good-lookin
g men in the lights. A few asked her to dance, her wagon was beside her chair. Lovey frowned, she felt like crying. Then Homer picked her up on a slow playing piece of music and carried her around in the dance. Her face was so rapturous and lovely, two other men did the same thing. The words to one song played were “You know what I need.” Lovey threw her head back and said, “I’ll never get fat! I want to dance forever!”

  When the jukebox played again, Greenshoes came down from the bandstand to ask Hosanna to dance. She glided into his arms and then they hardly moved from one spot. She looked up at him and he smiled down at her, moving slowly. He told her his name was Billy, but they called him Bowlegs, Billy Bowlegs.

  “My name is Hosanna.”

  “That’s what I thought when I first looked at you. HOSANNA!”

  Homer was laughing with Lovey until he happened to look and see what was happening in Hosanna’s face. Then he was quiet for the rest of the night, because the look never left her face. They stayed until the end. Hosanna was all eyes for Billy Bowlegs when he was playing and was in his arms when he was not.

  When they left the club, Billy had Hosanna’s address. A new man knew how to reach Lettie. Lovey had a few, nice memories. All of them were smiling and laughing as they walked to the little old car. But it was quiet in the car, all the way home. Hosanna was thinking of the last thing Billy had said to her, “Think of me till I see you again. Good thoughts.”

  Homer seemed to have nothing to say. He was sad. When he let the ladies out at their home, he stood watching them until they were in the house safely, then he got into his car and drove slowly away. He had helped make everyone happy, but himself.

  billy Bowlegs found Hosanna and, in the following weeks, he slowly but surely wrapped her heart in his cocoon of soft, blue love and music. She was no longer a virgin and had not demanded marriage as she always said she would. She talked about it but didn’t demand it. Her body just would not stop, could not stop answering Bowleg’s call. She was in love. Her body was not satisfied fully but eagerly anticipated the next time when it would finally feel to her as good as it felt to him. But she loved him so much that just being with him, by him, under him, was all she thought of as she squeezed, hung, stirred, served and did her work.