In Search of Satisfaction

by J. California Cooper

  Carlene interrupted her again, turning to look at her, “That’s a mighty long speech for a little Negra girl to say.”

  Hosanna smiled and frowned at the same time. “I don’t think so. And I’m a woman, not a girl. And I have a brain. I am now, also, finished with your hair. It is free. No charge. You are welcome.”

  Carlene said, “The war was just to preserve the constitution.”

  Hosanna laughed. “The constitution is a beautiful thing the way it reads, but it ain’t shit if you don’t get to live it. I studied, Miz Befoe. It does not take a genius to know it was written for everyone in the United States, but white folks still try to think they have to decide who it’s for. They don’t even want some of their own kind to be free. They send them out to die, too! But, I’m not just talking about the United States, I’m talking about all over the world. Governments! Not one of them is any good for poor people and there’s more poor people, of all colors, than any other kind in the world!”

  “Hosanna, you should be careful of that kind of talk.”

  “I am careful. God, the Bible, says choose things by which you are willing to live or by which you are willing to die. If I am right, I am willing to live or die by it. You know what, Miz Befoe? I can see more and believe more in God every day. He is there!”

  Carlene laughed a rusty, old laugh. “I think you have lost your mind.”

  Hosanna smiled as she started out the door. “I don’t think so.” She turned back, “Listen, it’s stuffy in here, not fresh at all. Let’s open that window.” After the window was opened, Hosanna went to the door and turned again to say, “I am going to see that you get a good dinner this evening and try to get Minna to come on back here to work.”

  Carlene spoke in a sly voice, “What are you doing? Being so nice to me. You are trying to work your way into my will?!”

  Over her shoulder, as she was leaving, Hosanna laughed and said, “I don’t think so.”

  the black widow spider, old now, felt the breeze from the opened window. She hastily uncurled her legs from around her body and prepared to leave through the window. She was almost dying of hunger. She crawled over the white walls without caring, but Carlene did not see her, she was looking in her mirror. The spider made it to the rain gutter and scurried down, a little slower now from hunger and age. To find a lover and a meal. One in the same.

  one day Bowlegs went home to his room, expecting it to be clean and to find clean clothes set neatly in his drawers. He was startled to find the room and drawers exactly as he had left them. Messed up. He opened the drawers, twice, to be sure. There were no clean clothes there other than the few already left there by him. He twisted his lips to the side and stood thinking, then he smiled, “What she tryin to do? Somethin must’a held her up. She be here tonight, I know!” He looked at the inexpensive, but good, watch she had given him so he could learn to be on time. Time payments. “I betta hurry and get to Choke’s. I need to work tonight!” He searched and found a not too soiled shirt and a suit, hurriedly pressing it on his bed. “Damn that woman! She knows I got to have things to go to work in! I would’a had somebody get some things ready for me. When she come down here tonight, I’ll have somethin to tell her! Women don’t do me this way!”

  He stayed up all night drinking and talking with the fellows, hoping Hosanna would come by Choke’s so she could see what he was really doing—nothing. She didn’t come, so he left for home about six in the morning. He had said to himself, “Well, she didn’t come down to Choke’s this weekend, so I know that room is clean now and I got clothes this morning!” The room was exactly as he had left it. The drawers were still empty of clean clothes. So, he hung up his own wilted, smoky suit.

  As he crawled into the musty sheets to get some sleep, his last thought was, “She be here by time I get to sleep, waking me up! And that damn woman know I need my sleep!” But he woke alone. She hadn’t come. She didn’t wake him up. Now he was angry.

  “I’ll fix her. I ain’t goin over there either! I’ll get Juney Bug to do my clothes. Wait till she see that! That’ll teach her!” He did what he planned, but Hosanna didn’t come the next few days either.

  He finally dressed in his best, clean clothes (that Juney Bug had cleaned for him). “You got to look good when you go see a woman you fussin with!” he told himself. “So they can see what they gonna be losin if they don’t be careful and ack right!” When he looked as clean, slick and fine as he thought he should and as he knew Hosanna liked, he started down the road to her house.

  Now Hosanna had been fighting herself, and winning, about not going to Bowlegs’ place. Not because she loved him so much anymore, but because loneliness can be a terrible thing. Her heart felt way down low, but she was holding her head up. She had made up her mind and talked to God about it, asking for His help. “I deserve more.”

  She was in her yard doing lingerie when she saw him stepping highly and lightly down the dusty road to her house. A handkerchief in his hand, nails cleaned, filed and polished, he dusted dust off his shoes, folded his handkerchief and wiped a light perspiration off his brow. He looked around for the kids, didn’t see them, but kept his voice low. “Why you ain’t been by the house, girl? Where you been?”

  Hosanna took a long look at him, then went on about her work, “I’ve been here. Doing my work.”

  He looked around for a seat, Hosanna usually ran to get him one. She just kept working this time. “Ahhh, girl, Hosanna, where you been? I ain’t seen you.”

  “Did you want to?”

  He smiled, “I always want to, baby.”

  “Well, I’ve been here.”

  Bowlegs wanted to make her do something for him, the man. “Say, get me a glass of water. I’m thirsty. It’s hot standin out here in the sun.”

  “That’s right, you’re used to the dark. Bow,” she pointed at a pitcher of water, “reach that dipper over there. I just got that for myself. It’s nice and cool.”

  “Hand it to me. What’s wrong with you?”

  Hosanna kept her voice neutral and low, “I’m working. Do I ask you to come down off your stage and get me a drink?”

  “Cause you know I can’t do that!”

  “Well, give me some consideration. I shouldn’t have to stop work either.”

  Bow took his handkerchief out again, dusted his jacket sleeve. “I am your man. A woman gets her man what he needs.”

  Hosanna stopped squeezing the lingerie and looked up at him quizzically. “Were you thirsty yesterday? Or the day before?”

  “What that sposed to mean?”

  Hosanna went back to her work. “It means whoever, wherever you got your water from, you got it. You didn’t need me to get it for you. You know how to take care of yourself.”

  “Oh, you want to talk that ole shit! You mad cause I wasn’t home!”

  Hosanna laughed. “Weren’t home? When?”

  “When you came by.”

  “I haven’t been by.” She stepped aside to hang up a gown.

  Bowlegs raised his voice a little. “You haven’t been to my house since I saw you a week ago?”

  Hosanna looked puzzled. “Has it been a week since I saw you? No, no I haven’t been by. I’ve been busy.”

  Bowlegs stepped into her view, touched her shoulder, raising her up as she bent over a tub. “Doing what?”

  “Working, Bowlegs. Using my time for me.”

  “What’s that sposed to mean, Hosanna?”

  Hosanna stopped working, straightened her back. “Bow, it means I am tired of you. I deserve better than you. You have to respect the person you are with. They have to respect you. I don’t respect you anymore. I haven’t for a long time, just didn’t realize it. I’m not trying to be smart, but I think you are a fool … or I am a fool.”

  Bowlegs turned his body in a circle so she could see all of him and like it. “Ohhhh, Lord. I don’t want to hear that shit!”

  Hosanna was looking at a garment. “You don’t have to. You asked me. You are at my ho
use.”

  Bowlegs changed his tactic as though what she was saying was unimportant. “Go get dressed, let’s go for a walk down by the river. It’s too hot out here.”

  Hosanna was hanging up another garment. “I already had my walk. I went alone. I’m working now.”

  Bowlegs couldn’t believe it. “You don’t want to walk with me?!”

  “I already walked.”

  “I want you to walk with me.”

  Hosanna laughed softly. “Then you should have been here when I walked without you. I’m used to walking without you again. Now, I like it.”

  “What you mean, what you said ‘a fool’?”

  “Bow, darlin, nobody should have to beg anyone else to be happy for their own self. I worried about your food, your clothes, your sleep, your rest, your progress, your life! You don’t! You don’t worry about yourself and your progress and you don’t worry about me or mine. So …” She stopped to inspect something on a garment. “So why should I take my life and worry about your life when you don’t? Now, I’m taking my time back. I want to be happy. So I’m going to concentrate on making me happy! Not you!” She smiled at him. “But I wish you well. I sure do.”

  “You always actin!”

  “You think what you want to.”

  “You can’t quit me, woman!”

  “Why? Never had you. In all those two years and more, I’ve never had you. You are playing hide and seek with life, Bow. Well, life ain’t no game.” She was getting angry in spite of herself. “One of these days life is going to hide and you will be the one seeking and won’t find it.”

  “I’m a young man!”

  “You are a day older today.”

  “Girl, you know I love you.”

  Hosanna stopped her work and looked at him again, her anger under control because he really was a pitiful fool. “Bow, I’m a woman. You’re a boy, that’s why you only want to be a ‘boyfriend.’ What a grown woman needs is a grown man. I love you, in your way.” He smiled. “But,” she continued, “I don’t want you anymore. You are not my type any more. Not what I’m looking for. I deserve better.”

  He had been leaning on the porch and he straightened up. “Better!? You can’t get you no better!”

  Hosanna laughed. “Oh, Bow. Is your world really that small? Mine isn’t. I’ve been reading my Bible, I read something I like, ‘Choose the thing by which you will live, or choose the thing by which you will die.’ I choose to live. Life with you ain’t living. Life with you is a misery. You lie. Oh, all that’s not important. It’s over. I don’t want no more.”

  Bowlegs could not believe what was happening to him, he looked around to see if there was anyone who could possibly hear Hosanna. He said to her, as he looked, “You betta be careful what you say, cause I might not come back again. I ain’t got to beg no woman!”

  Hosanna shook her head. “Don’t come back again. It won’t do any good, anyway. My mistake with you was, I wasn’t sure how much I believed in God, but I’m sure now. If I had done you His way, the way he suggested a man and a woman be together? Saved myself for my husband? A man who would love me enough to make me his wife? I would never have gone through the pain and misery I have gone through with you. Next time … I’m doing it His way. So … Bowlegs … don’t come back. Cause ain’t nothing here for you.”

  Bowlegs knew Hosanna was a good woman, he did not want to lose her. He forgot to wipe the perspiration dripping now from his face. “Okay, Hosanna, I’ll marry you, if that’s what you want so bad.”

  Hosanna looked at him with wonder. “Oh, Bow, honey, I don’t want just a man. Any man. I want a good husband who loves me and I love him.”

  “I love you.”

  “You may love me, Bow, but, you love you so much more. Now you go on and love yourself. I’m not asking for your love anymore. I love me now.” She was finished with the load of garments. She walked to the porch, climbing the steps. Bowlegs stood watching her, disbelieving what was happening. Hosanna raised a hand to wave good-bye. “See you later, Bow.” She went in and closed the door behind her. Her heart was hurting, hurting. Beating fast. But she knew she was right! She told herself, “I may hurt my own heart, but he won’t hurt it no more!”

  Hosanna sat on her bed and, out of nowhere, she began to cry softly. “What is it I need? What is it everybody needs? To be loved and made love to. God, I’m not wrong. I need to be loved. You made it, it can’t be wrong. I just have to be sure it’s the right love. One that will truly satisfy. All my needs. And I’m sick and tired of waiting for it! I’m gettin old!”

  Life was quiet after that day with Bowlegs. Hosanna took walks, cooked special things for herself, read, did a lot of thinking and was getting to be all right. Life was beginning to feel good again. She sat on the porch of her house one day eating a pomegranate, looking at the garden, thinking of her work, her savings and just feeling complete and good. She looked up and saw Lettie walking slowly down the dirt road to the house. She watched her approach. Smiling.

  Lettie finally got there and slowly set her three children down by Hosanna, on each side. Hosanna spoke to the children, “Hey, Aunt Hosanna’s babies! Want some? Here.” Then she looked at Lettie. “You got to go somewhere, Lettie?”

  Lettie didn’t smile, just said, “It’s your turn.”

  “My turn what? Want one?” She held a pomegranate out.

  “Your turn to take care of things. Raise somebody.”

  “What you talking about, Lettie?”

  “I’m leaving. I’m leaving. I can’t stay here. Ain’t nothin here for me. I can’t find no satisfaction here. I took care of everything when you left. Now I’m leaving these babies for you to take care of. Cause I’m goin.”

  Hosanna set the fruit aside. “I didn’t leave. I was taken. Sent.”

  “You wasn’t here.”

  “Lettie, can you go off and leave your children after what you went through when Mama and Daddy died?”

  “They left me.”

  “Lettie, they died.”

  “I ain’t gonna stay here till it kills me, too. You take em, I got to go.”

  “How do you know I will take them, Lettie?”

  “Take em or I’ll leave em in the road.”

  “You got a home.”

  “I ain’t made no payments.”

  “Why, Lettie?”

  “Got no money.”

  “You drank and partied it up.”

  “That’s my bizness, my way. Nothin else satisfies me.”

  “That satisfied you?”

  “No, but I could forget I wasn’t satisfied.”

  “Oh, Lettie, Lettie.”

  Lettie turned to go back up the road. Hosanna called after her. “You’re not gonna kiss your children good-bye?” The children started to cry. The little boy tried to get down off the porch to follow his mother. Lettie hesitated. Hosanna reached out her hand to her. “Come on in the house. Let me give them something to take their mind off you a minute. Don’t leave them no memory of you leaving them like this.”

  Lettie sounded tired. “I went through it. Didn’t nobody wait and leave me right. Didn’t nobody help me.” She walked away.

  Hosanna hugged the children. The little boy was crying so hard for his mother. The older girl didn’t cry, she just looked down the road at the speck her mother had become. Tears were in her head, but she didn’t let them come out of her eyes. She was hurt and felt very, very alone. Hosanna called to her, “Come on in the house now, baby. Aunt Hosanna got some milk and cake. You hungry?” The middle girl shook her head no, then yes. The oldest girl wiped her damp eyes with the back of her hand, took a deep breath, then went in the house, saying to Hosanna, “I’ll feed him. He won’t eat less I feed him.” And that’s how that part of Hosanna’s new life began.

  luke and Richlene were still together though Emily took Richlene off with her to ’er apartment in the city. She thought the distance would help her mother prepare for a separation from Luke when it finally happened. Emily
smiled to herself, “And it will come.”

  Luke kept his word. He did not let Little Wisdom be alone with him when the store closed. It was hard because his memory was good and thinking of her did things to his body he hadn’t known it would do. He was always standing behind some waist-high boxes or something to keep her from seeing any evidence of his private thoughts. He knew Richlene was growing away from him, “but she been faithful,” he said to himself, “so that’s what I’m gonna be if it kills me.” He shook his head. “Which is what it seems like it is gonna do!” Little Wisdom watched, worked hard every day and went on home to wait.

  chapter

  46

  hosanna took life one day at a time. She loved and cared for Lettie’s children, worked and saved. But she was young, a healthy woman, and nights got long and lonely, even as full as her life was.

  Satan had heard her declaration to live according to God’s way and had sent in many snares. Men. Thoughts of making love. He even sent Bow back a few times. After long months when her body’s passion had gathered strength and enveloped her mind, she had stumbled once. She made an attempt to get to know a gentleman who came to court her favor. It had failed because in her judgement he was not made up of things she thought were necessary in a marriage, would not be a lasting satisfaction for her. He was a good man, he was just not for her. She pulled her dress back down and pinned it, this time, to her heart.

  But her life was full. Hosanna had plenty to do. Lovey had written that Lincoln was going to handle Phillip’s tax department and that they would be moving back to Yoville except for three months out of the year when Lincoln must inventory all the accounts of Phillip’s empire, with his own staff, of course. Lincoln would be on call, but he could do the thing he most wanted to do: work the land.