by Ann, Pamela
My stubbornness put to a halt all my inner commotion as I gradually bit the side of my left cheek, focusing on the pain of my teeth sinking into the soft, sensitive skin. That was how I coped. How I fought my need for him until I became unyielding. From digging my nail into my skin to biting my tongue—anything to divert myself from the actual searing pain my heart was going through.
Fighting with your own heart could be the worst thing anyone could ever go through—apart from dying, I supposed. Sometimes, I caught myself becoming this rigid, bitter person. I would hide away from the world, shutting myself in my home, trying to regroup and find the woman that used to be me—before things had gotten out of hand. Most of the time, I found her. And the times I didn’t, I prolonged my wallowing, slowly hating myself for being the way I was.
Seconds ticked by as I held my breath, hoping he’d direct his gaze somewhere else. It took him about a minute to do it. Closing my eyes for a moment, I let out a sigh of relief, praying that tonight was going to be fine, that I wasn’t going to go home at the end of the night and cry myself to sleep. I hadn’t done that in a few days…
“Lucy, get your ass in here!” Chad waved at me.
Caught in the middle, I begrudgingly stood up and made my way towards them. My mood only drifted further south when the woman up close became even more captivating. Were her eyes blue or purple? I scowled, fighting the need to hurl words at Toby.
“This is Ava, Toby’s cousin.” Chad gave me that look—raised brow and all—as if he already knew what I’d been thinking.
. His bloody cousin? Well, that was… unexpected. I knew Ava from his stories or when he would mention their conversations once in awhile. I had never met her. Now that I had, her angelic, almost too perfect face perplexed me. It left me with an impression that she might be the most gorgeous woman I had ever met—Sienna came close.
“This is Lucy, your cousin’s former other half.” Way to go with the blasted parade, Chad.
Masking my annoyance, I greeted Ava. “I used to hear great things about you.”
She smiled, warm and welcoming. “As did I. Toby endlessly speaks of you.”
My, I wondered what else she knew…
Brushing Toby a quick glance, he politely addressed me with a warm but distant kind of smile. “Good to see you again, Lucy.”
“Toby.” I made an effort to smile, yet it somehow turned out to look pained.
Chad with all his mighty brilliance as well as his other, less brilliant qualities—like pushing my buttons—knew when to dive in and save me from what might have been an awkward moment of epic proportions. Animated, he directed all attention on him as he made a joke, including everyone around him.
An hour passed and Ava turned out to be such a nice woman. A rarity at best. She also seemed eager to be friends, so when she requested my number before leaving, I didn’t even hesitate to give it to her.
Everyone seemed to be in such good spirits that most of them decided to stay awhile and opted out of heading over to a new club opening. The bar’s house and current pop music suited them quite fine.
Finishing my sixth champagne glass, I was licking my bottom lip before biting it when Toby reappeared before me.
“Dance with me?”
I looked him in the eye then to his outstretched hand before declining his offer. “I don’t think that’s a great idea, Toby.” Bitchy wasn’t the tone I was aiming for, however it came out that way anyway.
Unabashed, he kept on testing my limit. “Come on, Lucy. Just this once, that’s all I ask. I won’t ask you for anything else from now on…” His words were soft, but his eyes told me a different story. There was something about him that was different. I couldn’t particularly pinpoint what it was, though.
Licking my lips again, I tried to reason with him. “It won’t feel right.” Or maybe it would feel so right that it would be wrong in an inordinate amount of ways. Apart from him, I could brave it out and fight him with all my might, but with him close—dancing tremendously close—I wouldn’t have much power to battle him along with my body at the same time. Always, I inevitably turned into a wavering mess.
Still not convinced, he stood his ground, knowing the precise words to use to trigger a reaction from me. “I beg of you, for the last time, dance with me?”
There was something about the way he said those words, especially the way for the last time sounded. It was as if he was telling me that this was it. That this dance would be the last time he’d come for me. That he, too, was moving on. I supposed I could give in to his request and dance with him… for the last time.
Clearing the lump in my throat, I stood up and lightly covered his hand with mine. “Fine, lead the way.” The first brush of contact against his skin set a fevered alarm all over me, making me clench the muscles of my sex-hungered channel.
His warm hand didn’t put much pressure around mine. It didn’t feel secure as he held it loosely, guiding us a few feet away from where we were sitting in a corner that had white, leather-tufted walls.
Smoothly, he spun me with my back facing him before I felt him behind me, his hand touching the side of my hip. My body was a heated, quivering mess of explosion. No matter how hard I tried to stare at the stylish walls before me to make the feeling go away, it only intensified it.
What bothered me more was the fact that he wasn’t all over me. Why was that? The guy in Rome hadn’t even given me five minutes until he had ravished my lips. Seven minutes to get me writhing underneath him. Nine minutes to get me moaning and panting his name. So again, why wasn’t he taking advantage of this opportunity?
“Stop. Thinking.” He gripped the side of my hip, fingertips gently digging into my skin as I felt him pull me back against the hardness of his chest.
My fuck… the ice around me was thinning. The longer he held me like this, the less effective my shield became. Was he going to be this close until the music changed? Because maybe by then I would be soaked with wetness… and heaven forbid if that ever happened. I didn’t think I could forgive myself if the night became a repeat of how thoughtless I had been that night in Rome.
Biting my lip, I moved my head sideways, needing to speak to him, but I stopped short when I felt his hot breath mere inches away from my mouth. For the love of Christ… I inwardly groaned at my overexcited hormones. “I don’t feel comfortable… too close,” I breathed out just enough for him to hear me.
“That’s a problem, isn’t it?”
I nodded. “Yes, it is.”
“Let’s fix that, shall we?” His arm roughly tugged me, pressing me harder against him while his limb held me hostage. “There. Doesn’t that feel much better, darling?”
Blasted. Arrogant. Self-serving prick. “Are you purposely trying to provoke me?” I fumed as I tried to wrench his hand away, however he was too strong. It didn’t even budge, only furthering my frustration.
“Rest assured, I won’t try anything that will make you run the opposite way,” he whispered against my ear. “I promise.”
Unknowingly releasing a sigh, I nodded, trusting his words as I closed my eyes and basked in his warmth, the exquisite feel of his body against mine, and the sensation of just being this close to him…
This was it. I felt it with every fiber in me—with every rampant beat of my heart—that he was letting me go. It was daunting—scary even—to know that I wouldn’t have him always hovering in the background and trying to win me back. It broke my heart all over again. Then again, my heart had never truly stopped breaking, had it?
Well, as questions went, I had never expected what came out of his mouth next.
“How have you been, Lucy? We haven’t really spoken after things fell through.” He spoke into my ear, making sure that I could fully hear him. The deep timber of his voice sounded like a caress, placing me in a state of severe sensual awareness. Damn. Him.
It was hard to consider his question when the only thing my mind could process was illicit thoughts. “I’m…” I trailed o
ff, not sure what to say next. I was what? Fine? Devastated? Scared? Shaken with despair, and yet, beyond inconceivably horny? “Never been better,” I finished, blushing profusely. Thank heavens he couldn’t see though my lies.
“I like your new look. The make-up, the dress, the stylish hair…” He insinuated with a compliment. “Troy approves?”
Troy. And my endless trail of lies… “Indeed, he loves it,” I confidently said, not hesitating for a second. Hell, I was in too deep in my own web of deceit. I was sure Troy would understand if the situation arose and I needed to fully explain and justify myself.
“Lovely. I’m sure he does,” he breathed out, sending hot tingles around my neck… and everywhere else.
My lips parted to say a snide reply when he roughly thrust my arse against his over excited sex. A loud moan escaped from my lips upon impact of his body. My fuck, was he trying to kill me with sexual frustration? It didn’t help that I was imaging how it would feel to have him drive into me, inching slowly in until his shaft was fully situated inside… filling my slicked walls…
Images of him pushing me against the wall and ravishing me on the spot sent me into a crazed frenzy. And when he spoke against my neck, right below my ear, I was almost panting with need.
“My Lucy… gorgeous, feisty, spitfire of a woman. I have wretchedly missed you—” he started to say, but I grunted in protest, not wanting to hear anything that would dispel me from this euphoric state of mind. “Shhh. Let me speak,” he murmured, holding me close as we swayed to the music while his right hand remained on the side of my hip and the other rested just below my stomach.
Using his sensually gifted fingers, he made barely–there, excruciating circles, touching about an inch or two above the opening of my slit. He was purposely trying to arouse my body, wanting me to climb the walls in desperate need of him to release me from this tortured pleasure and pain. I was dying for him to take it further…
If my pride wasn’t stopping me, I could’ve begged for him to ease the throbbing need he had created in my body… for the last time.
“I just want to say thank you for taking the blindfold off my eyes. For over a year, I had been aimlessly living an empty, unfulfilled life. Without you—I was lost. I was in despair. Always drinking myself into a stupor so I didn’t have to bear living another day knowing that you had left me. For weeks, I felt abandoned. It got worse at night… when I’m left alone with nothing to comfort me but my memories of you. Severely broken with no direction, I became reckless and unmindful to the people around me,” he cooed in my ear, lips brushing against my earlobe while I tensed, absorbing his painful words. “The ephemeral blindfold might be gone, but it only exposed me to the truth that I had tried and failed miserably to bury. After everything that’s happened—after the hurt and pain, the lies and half-truths—I had come to terms that I am blindingly and hopelessly in love with you.” He paused while I stopped breathing all together, waiting in vain for him to finish.
“I know this makes you uneasy, but I ought to tell you for the last time—before we close the door to the past and follow wherever the path may separately lead us—that, if there’s a small part of you blaming yourself because of what happened between us, I beg you, do not reduce your kindness to that. You were perfect and still remain a perfection, even though you try to portray this different woman.”
He softly spun me around to face him. In our darkened surroundings his eyes lit up, glowing before me with acute intensity, with electrifying passion. “I know the genuine person inside, so don’t let this unfortunate incident tarnish your beauty. I now understand that I don’t deserve you because I wasn’t man enough to protect you from my family.”
Tears welled in my eyes as I stared at him, unblinking as I felt this grave ache lacerating me—my heart and soul.
“Whatever you do from now on…” He paused, brows furrowing while his throat bobbed, his eyes reflecting my own pain before he gently reached to touch my face. Closing my eyes, I let my tears fall, quietly sobbing as I leaned into his caress, keeping it in my memory. “Just promise me to be happy, okay? Always follow what your heart and mind envisions and not what others expect from you. Can you promise me that?”
I could only nod because my throat closed up, denying me the ability to speak.
He slowly drew my face towards him. “I’m sincerely sorry for hurting you, Luce,” he whispered against my forehead before brushing his lips across my skin. “Forever… I will eternally love you.”
He finally was saying his goodbye. He had never wanted to—he’d fought the best way he knew how—but it wasn’t enough. Now he was truly leaving me, taking the last step in closing the door on us. Forever.
His lips kissed my forehead once more as I closed my eyes, slightly shaking as he breathed me in before whispering, “Take care, my love.”
His muscular arms then wrapped around me, giving me a deathlike embrace, blocking the air from my lungs. When he released me, I trembled from it all, knowing that he had just walked away from me. What he had just done, crucially hugging the life out of me then freeing me from his hold, portrayed what it had been like between the two of us for the past year. Him, desperately wanting to hold on to what was left of us, and me, aggressively and insensitively driving him further and further away.
He was gone…
Three. Five. Maybe ten minutes had passed, possibly more, as I carried on crying with my eyes closed. I didn’t want to open them. I didn’t want to see the reality of what I had done. I had known this day was going to come, but as much as I had prepared myself for this very moment, I had doubted if anyone could ever be ready for the crushing feeling, knowing that life was never going to be the same again.
Everything was going to change…
I was sure I was going to remain the same, though—silently loving him from a distance.
Chapter 12
Toby
Ultra sound appointment on Monday. Ten a.m. Be here. We need to talk.
I stared at the message for a couple more seconds until I could comprehend what it meant. The baby was about six months in and in three months time, she would make her debut to the world. I supposed I was flying out to Spain tomorrow, and I also had to figure out how to discuss things with Amelia after the baby was born.
The baby. I had always referred to her as the baby or it. I couldn’t, for the life of me, acknowledge it as my baby or my baby girl because I didn’t want to get attached and have it all taken away from me by DNA testing.
It was a horrid thought to have of a woman, but this was Amelia after all. Had it been some other woman who didn’t have the uncanny ability to lie like it was part of their nature, I wouldn’t even doubt that it was my child for a second. And of course, had it been Lucy’s, things would surely be different.
Lucy…
God. Thinking about her had destroyed me a thousand times over after just that last thought.
Walking away from her as she stood with her eyes closed, silently weeping, had taken every ounce in me. Had that really been only an hour ago that each step had felt like shackles had been strapped around my ankles? Each step that had brought me further away from her had caused the fire within my heart to dim.
Everything had been pulverized to dust. What she and I used to stand for, the future we’d once discussed in the wee hours of the morning after an intense lovemaking with our limbs intertwined, our lips never apart and our hearts beating as one—it was all gone.
The one. My only. Lucy…
How could I fathom going on living life if nothing was left to live for?
Lucy was my absolute. My ultimate. My unconditional love. The driving force behind my survival. The sole reason underneath my actions. The entirety of my heart. My fundamental supplement in life…
And now it was all for naught. We would be together nevermore.
Tonight, I hadn’t gone out thinking that I was going to let her go. True, she and I hadn’t been together for quite some time, however lettin
g her go from the binds and constraints of my soul—my heart… The inkling hadn’t occurred.
One might ask why would I do that if my love for her was my everything? Well, it had taken just one look at her and seeing the reflection of myself in her eyes to make me pause; to ponder why there was tremendous unhappiness in those beautiful depths. Seeing that had made me feel like a selfish monster. It was me—the bastard—who had caused her profound grief, fracturing the only person I would give my life for.
The only redeemable thing I could do was to free her before she got destroyed by my greed.
This selflessness had been fueled from my love of her. How much I adored her—the stunning beauty, the shrewd mind and the kind heart. I asked myself then, could I take all that away from her because I was stubborn enough to keep fighting for something that was hard to get back?
My answer was no. Of course not. I loved her too much to rob her from all of that.
All I could hope—if there was any left—was for her to find happiness. In her career, family, friends and a lover who would cherish that brilliant gem of a woman.
+++
I had only just barely checked in at the hotel ten minutes ago and someone was already knocking on my door. Who could it be? I wondered sarcastically.
Rubbing both of my hands over my face as I groaned in irritation, I left my unpacked suitcase atop the luggage rack as I strolled out of the bedroom and into the hallway. I passed the living room with an amazing view of the city before I reached the entrance door.
Gripping the door handle, I swiftly opened it and didn’t bat an eyelash when it was the woman who legally called herself my wife.
“Amelia,” I greeted as she brushed past me, swaying along with her hips and four-inch heels. “Goodness, you could hurt yourself with those shoes. Why can’t you wear something more comfortable like other pregnant women?”
She stopped a few feet away from the glass wall overlooking the popular main streets of Madrid before spinning around to face me with a dark brow dramatically raised to question me. “Por qué mio marido?” Why, my husband? “Does it make you jealous that men still find me attractive even pregnant?”
