by Ann, Pamela
She didn’t seem to be fazed about my outburst. Ever so calmly she addressed me, “It’s frustrating. I understand more than you realize, but babies born at twenty-one weeks, as I mentioned before, only have a tiny percentage in surviving. They live from two, three, maybe four days. The only thing we can give her is comfort. Make her hours as less stressful as she deteriorates.”
This was a nightmare.
Gripping the ends of my hair, I started to pace. “Is there a way that you can try to keep her alive?”
Her reaction was dismal. “Operating on her could be fatal.”
I let out a pained sound, not wanting to believe her. As much as I wanted the baby to survive, I couldn’t for the life of me make the baby go through surgery that might simply kill her in mere minutes.
“What should I do?” I begged in a pained whisper, hoping she could enlighten me.
“Pray for a miracle.”
+++
The rest of the day, I kept to myself, mostly checking on the baby whenever I could.
My friends were concerned and mourned with me. It was just so unfortunate that they had work and personal commitments before dropping by here for a day to give me support. They were busy folks, and for them to go out of their way to spend some time with me to make sure I was functioning, meant a great deal.
It was early in the evening when one of the nurses asked me if I wanted to hold her, and much to my naïve horror, I declined her offer even though she assured me that I wouldn’t hurt her. That was beside the point because she was hurting. Her vitals were steadily dropping and it wouldn’t be long until I was going to say my farewell. As of that moment, I wasn’t ready to part ways with her yet. Maybe when the time came, when I truly needed to make a decision—even just for a short while—I would be honored to hold her.
Sienna made sure to leave enough food for me on the nearby table and stocked the fridge with liquids before leaving. So here I was, browsing through news channels as I nibbled on a tuna sandwich when the door opened and in came Lucy.
“Hi. I just heard and I flew in straight away.” Her cheeks reddened as she mumbled her excuse. “I had exams, you see—” She let go of the door as she hesitantly stepped forward, halting mid-stride. “I feel quite terrible. I hope you didn’t think I’d abandon you in a time of need.”
She truly looked gutted and the inkling to bring her into my arms and smell her scent, so I could somehow forget about my troubles, almost made me beg… almost.
“No.” I shook my head, lying through my teeth. “Of course not. Thank you for coming, though you didn’t have to.” She hadn’t, but I had hoped she would. Seeing her now made things bearable.
She released a relieved sigh, softly walking towards the side of the room before taking a seat to my left. “How are you holding up?” Her teeth caught her bottom lip, as if she was nervous. “About the baby—I don’t know what to say. It’s just terrible. Such a grave situation.” It was. And if I had decided to open my thoughts about it, I wouldn’t be able to contain myself.
Needing to change the subject, I had to go for the usual redirecting questions. “Thank you. Can I get you anything? Sienna made sure the food was fully stocked. She even made sure there was dessert.”
Lucy cracked a smile—the smile that I loved to see. The kind where I felt my heart drop, skip a beat, and take my breath away. God, how I had missed her…
“Sienna and her sweet tooth. I haven’t had the chance to see them. As I said, it’s been quite hectic for me, school and the lot.” Her eyes lingered over my face, eyeing me with concern. “You look shattered. Have you had sleep at all?”
“As much as I can manage.” Which hadn’t been a lot. The nurses checking the baby, ranging from every thirty minutes to an hour, always woke me up.
“I hope you don’t mind me coming after… everything.”
Why would she think that? She knew I loved her.
“No, don’t ever think that.” Having her here was a blessing. Being in her presence had already made a huge difference to me.
She looked thoughtful, her eyes never leaving mine before asking the hardest question of all. “How much time does she have?”
Limited. How vicious was it to bring life into the world and then take it all away in a matter of days, some even in hours, leaving the parents in pure turmoil and anguish? Life was a gift, and yet, I felt like the baby’s life was being played at; as if this was all some kind of a twisted joke, which had been played at the baby’s expense.
“She’s declining steadily…” My chest tightened at the meaning of my words. “Maybe a day or two at best.”
“Oh, God!” Her face contorted before she stood up, sat next to me, and threw her arms around my neck, hugging me with all sincerity. “I’m so sorry, Toby.”
My arms hung onto her as I breathed her in, expelling the pain in my chest with something as light as her scent. It filled me with everything I needed. “Yes… me, too.”
Chapter 21
Toby
It was five in the morning when someone lightly shook me awake, calling my name with soft urgency that immediately snapped me out of my sleep.
“Yes?” I mumbled, rubbing my face from exhaustion.
“Sir—Señor… it’s time.” The nurse rushed out as she looked at me with sad understanding.
Nodding, I took a moment. “All right,” I murmured as she stalked off through the glass door towards the NICU.
I was about to get up when I realized that something heavy sat on my lap. Peering down, I realized that it was Lucy’s head while her hand rested on my thigh, fast asleep. If it was any other instance, I wouldn’t give this up for anything, but this wasn’t just any other time. This was the only time I had with the baby, and the seconds were ticking by like a clock, gradually diminishing her life as it ticked away.
“Luce…” Gently stroking her head, I started to wake her up. “I have to go and be with her.”
She started to move, barely opening her eyes, sleepy as can be. “What’s wrong?” she muffled, yawning before lifting her head off my lap.
Christ, I was dying inside. Yet, with one look at Lucy, I felt like I could take on the world. “I have to go and see the baby. The nurse told me it’s time.”
Getting up, I started to walk towards the door when I felt her scramble to her feet, following my steps.
The second I entered, I knew things were different this time. The machine’s steady beeping had a prolonging sound to it—like a warning.
Striding towards the nurse that awakened me, who was with the baby, she greeted me shortly before another nurse came in and helped take off the tubes and wirings that were attached everywhere on her body. One nurse started bundling her while the other took care of the machines. Not before long, the beeping noise disappeared and the room was still as we looked at the nurse bringing the baby towards me.
“You can sit here… and rock her to sleep.”
I did as she asked, stepping forward to sit on the wheat colored, linen rocking chair.
She made a cooing sound, comforting her. “Papa is here, mi angel.” She then angled her body low, handing the baby over, while I nervously tried to cradle her in my arms in an awkward manner before shifting her a bit to lean against my chest, pressing her cute cheek on it.
The nurses stayed for a few minutes, making sure I had everything I needed before they gave me their kind sympathies and exited the room.
I couldn’t stop staring at her with such profound feelings of love and wonderment—fear and pain. My heart broke even more when she puckered up her lips and made a sucking sound.
“She’s precious, isn’t she?” I looked up and found Lucy halfway across from me with disheveled hair and red cheeks, watching me with tears streaming down her face.
She made a small nod before coming towards us, stopping a few steps away as if she wanted to be here, and yet, she wanted to give me space to mourn as well.
“She’s beautiful, Toby.”
This wo
uld be all of what I would remember her by. There wouldn’t be photos of her first tooth, the first step, first birthday… I wished that there was some small something I could do to make her live. Watching her tiny, fragile frame, I felt that it was all my fault she hadn’t been carried full-term. The reason why she was dying, too, because, at twenty-one weeks gestational age, she didn’t have the necessary immune system that could shield her from infection and all other dangers.
“When I first saw her, I asked her one thing, and that was not to give up on me yet.” Gazing over her sweet face, I ingrained it in my memory, knowing that I would forever miss this little angel of mine. “She tried… all I asked was for her to try, and she did…”
She was swaddled with a warm, pink cloth. Her small, frail body so warm and so light, weighing almost nothing, as if she was made of air.
“She’s a good girl, but she doesn’t have enough energy to keep fighting. She probably misses her mom.”
Just then, I saw her eyes blossom slowly, lifting open. Dark eyes stared right at me, as if she knew, too—that we didn’t have that much time to get to know each other. Wetness pooled at my eyes as I cherished this amazing encounter I had with my baby.
Reaching for her arm, her hand somewhat hung on to my forefinger as she blinked at me.
“Hi, sweet pea,” I murmured, choking on tears.
This… this was killing me inside. I wanted to save this tiny, beautiful girl, and yet, I didn’t have the power to do anything. It was out of my hands.
Just as the doctor had ordered, I started to say a prayer.
Her eyes penetrated my heart, and I hoped to God that, whatever happened after death, someone or something would guide her, make sure that she’d be safe and secure and out of harm’s way.
Extreme sorrow racked my body as I slowly rocked the chair, lulling her with my warmth, comfort and blanket of love.
My heart spoke, reciting a sweet poem I had read before by some unknown poet.
I felt an angel near today,
Though one I could not see.
I felt an angel, oh so close,
Sent to comfort me.
I felt an angel's kiss,
Soft upon my cheek.
And oh, without a single word
Of caring did it speak.
I felt an angel's loving touch,
Soft upon my heart.
And with that touch,
I felt the pain and hurt within depart.
I felt an angel's tepid tears,
Fall softly next to mine.
And knew that as those tears did dry
A new day would be mine.
I felt an angel's silken wings
Enfold me with pure love.
And felt a strength within me grow,
A strength sent from above.
I felt an angel, oh so close,
Though one I could not see.
I felt an angel near today,
Sent to comfort me.
From a distance, I could hear Lucy softly sobbing. Her sadness made mine a hundred times worse than imaginable, but I could deal with my pain later. Every second counted with my baby, and I didn’t want to waste thinking about my own misery when she herself might be in grave pain from declining bodily functions, a simple thing like breathing.
“Don’t be afraid, little one. Mama’s going to be there to meet you. She’ll start taking care of you from now on, okay?” She opened tiny slits of dark brown eyes before closing them again. “You have nothing to worry about any longer. It’s going to be fine.” My thumb brushed below her bottom lip, noting that it was the same width as my fingernail. She was so adorable. So beautiful. And I wanted to keep her more than anything.
The next time she tried to open her eyelids, she barely lifted them halfway. I couldn’t describe it, though by some unforeseen power or maybe just instincts, I knew she was almost there. She was hurting and I knew I had to let go.
“Try not to forget me. You’re in my heart. I’ll always remember you.”
My lips touched her forehead, soft and warm. “Goodbye, little princess,” I chokingly whispered. “Someday, I’ll see you again.”
Quietly I wept, never leaving her.
It was about an hour after that when the nurse came back and checked her pulse before she confirmed that she had passed.
When it was time for them to take her away, I protested, begging to have more time with her, but they insisted that it would be unhealthy for me if I kept on rocking the chair, pretending as if she was still alive.
Lucy had to intervene, pulling me away and into the other room, holding me as I wept harder in her arms.
“I’m going to miss her.”
Her hand stroked my back, comforting me. “I know you will.”
The baby had been a blessing even if I hadn’t seen it that way in the beginning. She had shifted my axis, and I wasn’t sure how to move on from here.
+++
The days went like a blur with the arrangements. Amelia’s family held a public and private wake, so everyone could say goodbye to her in a closed casket. My friends were there, giving their support, but I chose to avoid them all, including Lucy. At that point, I had no words to say; not even for small talk and nonsense.
My parents were also present, and though my mother apologized for being so crass and inappropriate that time in the hotel towards me and Amelia, I barely acknowledged it. Sometimes, even if someone crossed the line, a heartfelt apology just wasn’t enough. She’d be lucky if I granted her anything in the long run. As of this moment, I didn’t want anything to do with her and my father. They were scoundrels underneath all the expensive baubles and ostentations.
The events that had taken place before the funeral meant nothing much to me. Most of these people were acquaintances and social friends. Most chose to be there to network, to be seen by the upper echelon of the Spanish society, and of course, to gossip.
None of that was real. Not until the funeral.
It was one thing seeing Amelia’s casket go six feet under, but watching them put the tiny casket into the ground killed whatever was left in me. I was hurting gravely and I ought to cry, however tears simply didn’t come, and it made me feel even more frustrated.
I felt cold. Angry. Bitter. I was filled with darkness and nothing could make it go away. Truth be told, the darkness that settled in, running through my veins and fueling the hate I had for everyone, actually felt good inside my heart.
Craving the cold comforts of darkness, I wanted to curl up in a dark place; to be left alone with my thoughts and bottles of bourbon and whiskey to soothe the ache in my body.
I had been too late when I had ultimately realized that I wanted that baby. I loved everything about her. Everything had been too late.
I had nothing else to live for other than regrets, one after the other.
Right after the funeral, my friends and I all left in Blake’s jet and headed for home. They all huddled over in one section as Chad excitedly discussed the theme and design he wanted to do for his baby’s room. Apparently, the baby was arriving soon and he was going to be a father. Hooray for that. I somehow thought it insensitive that I was grieving over my own while he celebrated the birth of his. I should be angry—maybe I was a little bit—but the fury I wanted to happen didn’t escalate because I knew deep down he meant well. And I also knew before all of this crap went on, he’d been wanting to have a child. It truly was a celebration for them. Not for me.
I was glad that they respected my wishes to stop asking annoying questions. How often did they have to ask if I was hungry? I wasn’t an invalid that couldn’t function to get my own meal had I been famished. After that tiny fit I had with them, they stepped back—a little. They were giving me space, though not for long.
Seeing Lucy get up from their little intimate cooing about color schemes, heading towards me, I almost grunted out my frustration. The last thing I needed was to talk to her. After that night of crying in her arms, I didn’t want to look e
ven more pathetic in her eyes. Besides, she was becoming too touchy, and I didn’t want to get back into my old habit of craving her touch like an addict. I was surviving without her, and I’d rather keep at that.
“Hi, is it okay if I sit next to you?” she asked, smiling as if we were the best of friends.
I could easily fall into her trap again, but what use was it if I was already trapped in my own demons? “Did you need something, Lucy?”
“I was thinking, if you need any help with your house, I could help arrange and clean. The first week is going to be hard for you; I thought it would be a good way to be productive and distract yourself.”
She wanted to clean? “I’m fine, but thanks for the offer.”
She hesitated, as if not wanting to end our conversation. “I’m here. You can call me anytime.”
“I’ll keep it in mind.” I would never call her. I think she knew that, too.
For the past year and a half, my life had suffered because I couldn’t let go of the idea of what we’d once had. Now my life had been shaken, and it sure didn’t involve her any longer.
Chapter 22
Lucy
It had been seven days since we got back from Spain, and I hadn’t heard from Toby yet. My calls had gone unanswered, as had my text messages. Seeing him would be ideal, but since I didn’t have a key, I had taken that as a sign that I wouldn’t be welcome in his house.
The fact that Sienna mentioned that his aunt Tamsin—the one that had cancer—had also passed away yesterday, made me ache deeply for him. He wasn’t having to deal with one death, it was three.
Thinking of that beautiful, little angel brought tears to my eyes. Watching the man I loved hurt when there was nothing I could do to ease his agony, was the worst thing I had ever witnessed in my life.
Toby’s hurt when I had left him was nothing compared to the eviscerating pain I had watched him go through—that he continued to experience at the moment. I couldn’t fathom what it had been like to bury Amelia and their baby five days after the little one had died.
