by Kylie Walker
When I woke up in the hospital with a slice down the side of my body that looked like someone had tried to gut me like a fish I decided that longing was no longer an option. I would no longer long for freedom, I would just pursue it and once I achieved it, I’d never let it go. I no longer longed for someone to love me...I learned to love myself. I took the option of longing off the table, two years ago. Longing for things put you in a vulnerable state and that’s a place I never intended to be put in again. So why do I suddenly find myself longing for things now? Why do I long to know what his fingertips would feel like on my face or what his lips would taste like pressed up against mine...Why, when I know how dangerous that is? What if instead of his fingertips he’s the kind of man that wants to use his fists. What if his lips taste like whiskey at seven in the morning and again at ten at night...what if he’s just like Jesse?
I think if I have to ask those questions, then I’m not ready yet. I’ll go to work tonight and I’ll do my last dance for the pervert who just happens to be wrapped up in a much nicer package than the rest of them and then I will continue to move forward with my life. I’ll leave the longing here on these pages because here it can’t hurt me or set me back.
Chloe put the journal back into her dresser drawer and got up. She didn’t have any classes today so after her shower she dressed and made her way down to the beach. The coastline was dazzling in the morning sun with its pallid white strip of cliffs, some jagged and others folded, dwindling out into the distant horizon. Below the cliffs were beaches of rocks with barnacles growing across them. Each little rocky beach was separated by wooden groynes stretching out to meet the advancing waves.
Chloe could see a stretch of peninsula way off in the distance with a stoic old lighthouse set upon it. It looked lonely and sometimes she would sit and stare at it all day. It made her feel less alone, somehow. Other than the lighthouse there was nothing but ocean as far as the eye could see. Today Chloe found that comforting.
Her soul felt like it was at rest as she stood on the edge of the cliffs and watched the waves roll in gently, lap along the edges of the rocks and roll back out into the depths of the ocean. It was quiet here in the mornings too, nothing but the sounds of the waves and the distant cry of a seagull broke the silence around her. The music and chatter at work were so loud that sometimes she craved the silence, she needed it to regenerate.
Chloe found a dry spot on the rocks and sat down. Pulling her knees up to her chest, she let the wind whip through her hair as the thoughts ran rampant through her mind. Jesse would be out soon, in less than two months. Would waking up every day in a world where she knew he was free feel differently? It was easy for her to tell herself now that she wasn’t going to live in fear, but would that really be the case? Would she startle at the sight of every tall slim, dark-haired man...wondering if he’d found her? She sat there and pondered that possibility finally winding it up by reminding herself once again of how far she’d come. She wasn’t going back, no matter what it took, so let Jesse look. He’d tire of trying to find her, wouldn’t he? And if the worst was to happen and someday they ran into each other...she would kill him before he got the chance to kill her. That was something she was dead certain of.
When she got back to the condo Lexi was up having breakfast. The television was blaring out a commercial and when Chloe went in to turn the volume down Derek Stark was looking at her from the TV. It was an advertisement for Stark Real Estate and they used the same photo as the one on the billboard she had taken to jogging by.
A week ago, she’d never heard of him and now he was suddenly haunting her. She turned it off quickly with the button on the set, not wanting to waste time looking for the remote. When she turned around Lexi was looking at her with a hand on her hip and an eyebrow cocked.
“That was a pretty visceral response for a woman who claims that she’s unaffected by this guy.”
“Oh shut-up!”
She headed down the hall towards her room with the sound of Lexi’s laughter behind her. When she reached the bedroom Lexi said, “Hey, I’m off tonight and I have a date with that hot guy from the tax place.”
“Good, be safe and have fun,” Chloe told her, closing herself in her room.
Lexi followed her and with a quick knock, she opened the door. Chloe rarely got mad at Lexi, they got along well...but Lexi knew she didn’t like her coming into her room without knocking.
“Nice knock,” Chloe said.
“You are in a mood today, aren’t you?”
“I’m in a fine mood,” Chloe lied.
“Right, well I know how to make it even finer. I have those passes to the spa I won at the staff meeting last month. I wanted to use mine today and get all soft and gooey for my date, maybe I’ll get a Brazilian. Go with me?”
“Thanks, but I’m okay.”
“Come on, all you do is work and work-out. Live a little, indulge yourself, have some fun.”
Chloe laughed and said, “Since when is a Brazilian wax fun?”
Lexi curled her lip. “Okay, you’ve got me there, but you have to admit that a pedicure sounds really nice, right? Maybe a massage...?”
“I’m just not in the mood...” No way was she getting a massage. She could just picture the face of the poor masseuse that had to touch her scarred back.
“Oh come on!” Lexi whined. “You never do anything with me anymore!”
“Whining...really?”
“Whatever it takes. Go with me, please.”
Rolling her eyes because she knew Lexi wouldn’t let it go until she agreed, Chloe said, “Fine, I’ll go...but no Brazilian’s and no massages. I’ll get the mani/pedi and the facial.”
“Woo hoo! The girl is living on the edge.”
“I could always stay home...”
“I’m sorry. I was kidding. Thank you. I’ll be ready in half an hour.”
Chapter 10
An hour later Chloe lay back in a comfortable recliner with her hair wrapped up in a thick towel while the deep conditioners worked their magic. As she waited for her facial she had to admit that she was glad Lexi had talked her into this. Chloe saved nearly every penny she made. Roxi gave them an allowance for the clothing...if you could even call it that, that they wore at work. She allowed herself a small amount out of her paycheck each month for her own off work clothes and she paid her half of the bills and the rest stayed in the bank. She was working a job that she despised for one reason only...to achieve her long term goals of finishing her degree and becoming a teacher. That’s what the money was for and knowing it was adding up was what got her out of the house and into the gentleman’s club every day. It was nice to be pampered though. She let it go and do things herself at home for so long sometimes that she would almost forget how nice it was.
Lexi was in the chair next to her and as the esthetician began her cleansing with cotton pads and something that smelled like jasmine and alcohol she said, “So tonight is the last night, huh? Are you glad?”
Chloe furrowed her brow and she felt the esthetician pull the skin apart with her thumb and forefinger. “Of course I’m glad,” she said.
“You’re not going to miss those gorgeous crystal blue eyes even a little bit?” Lexi asked.
“Nope, not even a little bit. If I want to see them, I can catch his ad on television every half an hour.”
“What if he asked you out...like on a real date? You wouldn’t go?”
Chloe’s eyes were covered now so the esthetician could look at her skin with the magnifying lamp. Wasn’t this supposed to be relaxing? Darn that Lexi for bringing up one of the two subjects that she least wanted to think about today.
“No, I wouldn’t go.” Chloe said. She felt the steam that was suddenly directed at her face to open up her pores. She liked the warm, dewy feeling it gave to her skin.
“Why? Are you just being stubborn...or do you really think he’s as creepy as the rest of them?”
“Oh Lexi! Honey the whole point isn’t whether or no
t he is as creepy as the rest of them; he’s still turning up in the same place. That is not a place that any woman should want to meet a man. Men who have respect for women don’t frequent places like that.”
Chloe knew the professional estheticians probably heard all kinds of things throughout the course of their day but she really hoped that Lexi didn’t mention what “that” place was. Chloe would never grow comfortable with the idea of people knowing she made a living as a pole dancer and all of the connotations that came along with that.
“You can’t sit home alone forever.”
“Why not?” Chloe said as her exfoliation began. She had told the esthetician before they started that she didn’t want anything harsh and she didn’t want a peel. She might not plan on dating tall dark and dreamy, but she wasn’t going to dance for him tonight with patches of skin missing from her face.
Lexi didn’t answer her, “Why not?” Instead she just groaned with frustration. Lexi was far from being a “loose woman” or a “slut,” but she was a serial dater. She told Chloe she thought the only way you could decide what you really wanted to eat off the buffet was to sample a little of each dish. It drove her crazy that Chloe had gone the past two years they’d known each other without even a “nibble.”
Chloe was thankful for the silence anyways. She endured the couple of “extractions” the esthetician did and then while her face and temples and around her scalp were being massaged, she allowed herself to relax so much that she almost drifted off to sleep. She felt the goo of the mask they’d decided on before they began being painted on and then she was taken one step closer to heaven as the young woman slipped the towel off her head and began to massage her scalp. By the time the mask was peeled off and the toners were applied, Chloe had a restful little nap and woke up refreshed and feeling renewed. By the time her hair was rinsed and dried and fluffed and she’d gotten her pedicure and her manicure and a hand and foot massage that were to die for, she left the spa feeling like Chloe Green was ready to take on the world.
Chapter 11
Chloe picked out a light blue leotard and a sexy little pair of spandex shorts that was just a shade darker to go over it for her dance that night. Her hair still smelled like citrus and flowers from the treatment they’d put in it at the spa and she loved how it felt like silk now as it cascaded across her bare shoulders and down across the back of her neck. It made her feel pretty and like it or not, right or wrong...she wanted to be pretty for Derek tonight.
She put her own clothes on over her little outfit and went into work a little early. Lexi already left for her date and Chloe was feeling too anxious to sit alone in the condo.
She saw Jake as soon as she walked in the door. He didn’t look happy.
“Hey Jake, what’s going on?”
“It’s already been a long ass day,” he said.
Jake was Roxi’s best and most loyal bouncer. He was six foot five and had to weigh at least three hundred pounds without an ounce of fat anywhere. He kept his head completely shaved bald and his black eyes rarely showed any expression. He was handsome...in a scary sort of way. He rarely had to put his hands on anyone. Ninety-nine percent of the time all it took from him was one smoldering look and the scumbags were scrambling out to their car on their own. Then there was that one percent who were too drunk, stoned or stupid to realize the pain that a man like Jake could unleash on them. That was usually the only time she heard him complain about it being a “long ass day.” In spite of his appearance, Jake wasn’t a violent guy by nature and it pissed him off when he was backed into a corner and left with no other choices.
“You had to throw someone out already?”
“Two someone’s. Some asshole lawyer and his son thought they were going to have a threesome with Sadie in the back room. When she balked and yelled for me, Daddy went for his wallet first and when that didn’t work, sonny boy tried throwing a punch. I swear my little sister hit harder than that when she was a toddler. I hooked the little bastard up and as I was throwing his ass out the front door when Daddy tried to play the lawyer card and tell me how he was going to sue my ass for assault.”
The sound of “a lawyer and his son” sent a chill down Chloe’s spine. Jesse’s dad was a district attorney...a powerful, arrogant son of a bitch. But he was in New York and Jesse was still in prison. Nevertheless, Chloe had to remind herself to breathe.
“So what happened?” she finally said.
He chuckled and said, “Roxi happened. She gave the son of a bitch her card and wrote my name on the back. She told him to “feel free” to file a suit. She’d be more than happy to provide the judge with the tapes of him and his golden boy waving their tiny dicks in poor Sadie’s face.”
Chloe couldn’t help but laugh too. “Go Roxi! I take it they left then without further incident?”
“They did,” he said with the scowl returning to his face, “But they ruined my fucking day when it was just getting started.”
“Sorry Jake, I hope it gets better.”
“Yeah, me too. They should all be as respectable as that guy you dance for. I don’t know why the rest of them have to act like cavemen who never saw a woman before.”
Chloe realized after it was too late that she’d felt a quiver of pride when Jake mentioned how “respectable” Derek was. She immediately told herself how stupid that was. First off if he was entirely “respectable” what was he doing in a place like this, and second off she had absolutely nothing to do with his “respectability” and therefore no right or reason to feel pride over it. Jeez, this guy was jacking her all up.
She left Jake and went into the back to change. Then before she went to her spot she took one smoke out of her pack and her lighter, left the rest of the pack with Lexi’s relief Callie behind the bar and went out back. She was about halfway through her smoke when Roxi stepped outside.
“Hey you, last night of the private dancing gig, huh? Are you regretting it, or looking forward?” Roxi asked her.
“Well you know I mean no offense when I say this, Rox...but I hate this fucking job whether it’s one guy watching me or fifty.”
Roxi laughed and said, “No offense taken. I asked around about Derek Stark.”
She said and let it hang, waiting to see if Chloe would ask her what she’d found out. Chloe sucked down the last drag of her smoke and stubbed it out.
“I should get inside,” she said.
Roxi laughed again. “I know that you’re dying to know what I found out, but you’re too stubborn to ask, so I’ll tell you. He’s a good guy according to absolutely everyone. He works hard and plays very little. The first time he ever set foot in this club was the day he asked me about you. He wouldn’t tell me what brought him here, but I have a gut feeling that it was you.”
Chloe started to protest and Roxi said, “I believe you when you tell me that you don’t know him, I’m just telling you what my gut is telling me. You know my gut is usually right. My point in telling you all of this is that when he asks you out, if he hasn’t already, I’m not going to object if you say yes. I know dating the clients is a no-no here, but like I said, I don’t think Derek Stark is looking to be a client. You have my permission to live a little...if you choose to do so.”
“Live a little, huh? Lexi said those same words to me this morning.”
“Hmm, the same advice from two smart, savvy women who care about you. Imagine that!” Roxi looked at her diamond studded Cartier and said, “I think it’s time for your set.”
Chapter 12
Chloe sighed and headed in. It was way out of character for Roxi to encourage any of her girls to date the clientele. It was usually grounds for immediate dismissal. Either she was really impressed with Derek or Chloe had just gotten way to pathetic...or both. Either way, she thought as she dropped her lighter off with Callie, she had no interest in dating this guy...or any of them for that matter.
“Is he in there?” She asked Mike as she passed by.
“Yep and the big guy in the
bad mood is in place,” he said, jerking his head in Jake’s direction. “What track can I play for you tonight?”
“Let’s go with three again,” she said.
“You got it,” he told her with a wink.
Chloe took a couple of deep breaths to stave off the last minute nerves that had crept up and settled deep within her chest and she slipped in through the curtain. Derek was in his spot looking calm and gorgeous. He smiled at her and she automatically smiled back. Damn it, Chloe! Too familiar!
“Are you ready?” she asked him.
“I thought we’d try something else tonight,” he said.
Shit! Trying to hide her extreme annoyance, but at the same time wanting him to know she was not happy she said, “I thought we got this straight last time. I dance, you watch, that’s the extent of our relationship.”
He smiled indulgently and said, “We’re very clear on that, Chloe. But, after tonight I won’t be your client anymore and therefore we will not any longer have a “professional relationship” to maintain.” He looked at the unassuming silver Rolex on his arm and said, “In two hours you’re just a woman and I’m just a man who would really like to take you out to dinner. If you consent to that, we’ll call it even on the dance and you can leave and get ready right now.”
Chloe cocked an eyebrow and said, “And if I don’t “consent” to that?”
“Then it will be up to you whether or not you’d like to dance tonight. Your tip is in its usual spot.”
Chloe’s eyes shot over to the candle holder where Derek always left her money under. She saw the pile of hundred dollar bills. He was really willing to walk out of here and leave that money if she said she wouldn’t go out with him and that she didn’t want to dance...what the hell was this guy’s deal? She suddenly had a thought. Maybe her curiosity about him was what was making him so interesting and keeping her up at night. Maybe she was going about it all wrong. Maybe she should have dinner with this guy in a public place and just get it out of both of their systems.
