by Grace Dent
“I am not some woman!” tutted the woman. “I am Cava-Sue’s drama teacher! I produced this performance.”
I looked up at the stage and Cava-Sue was staring down at us in the audience. She looked like she was going to explode.
Soon after that the lights went on and my mum stretched and yawned and said, “’Ere Shiraz, thank god that’s over. My bum’s gone dead!”
Then the announcer said, “The interval will last fifteen minutes. Please return to your seats in good time for part two.”
“Part bloody two!” gasped my mum, then she woke Nan up and we went to Wetherspoon’s over the road instead and had some buffalo wings and waited for Cava-Sue to come out.
Cava-Sue never said a single word all the way home.
Sometimes I think Cava-Sue is embarrassed about us.
THURSDAY 17TH JULY
Ms. Bracket cornered me today and asked me why my mum wasn’t at Parents’ Evening on Monday night. I said she was at work. This wasn’t true. I didn’t tell my mother there was a Parents’ Evening on Monday night. She always makes a big deal about finishing work early to go, then there’s always at least one teacher who bends her ear, then I get loads of earache at home just ’cos she got a load of earache at school. What’s the point?
“Look Shiraz,” Ms. Bracket said. “Next year is crucial to you if you’re going to get those GCSEs and stay on in sixth form. Your geography and religion teacher and I know you are more than capable. Personally, I need to know you’re getting support at home. Will you get your mum to come in and see me next semester?”
She walked off leaving me in the corridor feeling a bit stunned. Ms. Bracket really DOES believe I can do A-Levels. I suppose if I’m real to myself, I do too.
FRIDAY 18TH JULY
END OF TERM. Six whole weeks off! Walked home with Kezia and Luther covered in egg and felt-tip pen and Rice Krispies. Superchav Academy made the local news again. That 911 fire engine prank-call is becoming a bit of an Uma Brunton-Fletcher tradition. She’s on the Ilford Fire Department central database of offenders now too. Uma is moving to Portsmouth for the summer to live with her real dad. Uma says this place is a shit-hole and she’s probably never coming back. Carrie got picked up by Bezzie and they went off to sort out the sound system for Sunday’s Draper Hydration Summer Barbecue. She’s hardly even mentioned me coming at all.
SUNDAY 20TH JULY
It’s 10 pm. Even though I’m well tired I want to write down everything that happened as it might make me understand it more. Today was the Draper Hydration Summer Barbecue. My mum was up at 8 AM moaning at my dad to polish his shoes and find his tie, and standing beside mine and Cava-Sue’s bunk beds yelling that it was a beautiful day and we should both put on our matching pink tracksuits and scrunchies and gold charm bracelets that she bought us from Granda’s will money as we all had to look “nice.” Mum is dead paranoid that Maria Draper thinks she’s better than us just ’cos she’s got more money. “At least I make an honest living!” Mum kept saying. “I didn’t just stand flapping my eyelashes at blokes with money who came in the social club!”
Mum then went on to announce that in the 1980s Barney Draper had the “glad eye” for her but she chose our dad instead. Dad groaned then and said that’s why Barney Draper always smiles and toots his horn when he passes him in his van, ’cos he had a lucky bloody escape. Then Mum told Dad to shut up and have a shave and do something with his hair ’cos Aunty Glo had cut it far too short and he looked a bit like Hitler. Then I put on my bright pink H&M tracksuit and my white Adidas trainers and some foundation and a load of bronzer and my thickest gold hoops. Then Cava-Sue came down looking like a homeless as usual in her footless tights and frilly skirt and a T-shirt that said Young and Lost, and then Mum shouted at her and then she shouted back and then we all shouted at each other and eventually we left the house.
We got to Draperville and it was like the bloody Brit Awards. They had security guys on the gate with headsets checking invites and helping people park cars. When we got inside there were guests everywhere; all the Draper Hydration employees, all their families, Lewis, Kezia, their mums and dads and tons of the locals from the Goodmayes Social Club. Collette Brown and her new boyfriend, Curtis, were there. Collette had a green bikini top and a sarong and big pair of dark glasses on and she looked well flash, like Victoria Beckham. Of course my mother had to show me up by shouting, “’Ere Collette, love that bikini, is it George at Asda?” and Collette just laughed and said “Gucci.” Collette and my sister barely spoke. Cava-Sue hid inside most of the time moaning about getting skin cancer. The sun was really hot and everyone was drinking glasses of this stuff called Pimms with strawberry and cucumber floating in it, and fancy cocktails with fresh raspberries. At the side of the garden some blokes in white suits were playing “When the Saints Go Marching In” on trombones and trumpets, and this circus clown was going around making balloons into wiener dogs. A whole pig was roasting on a spit and there were three grills covered in burgers and sausages. There were at least five whirlpool jacuzzi baths situated around the side of the garden too! My mother’s eyes were bulging out of her head, then she whispered to me, “’Ere, this is a bit tacky isn’t it? I dunno what they’re trying to prove, we all know they’ve got more money than sense!” I texted Carrie to tell her I was here, but she didn’t text back, so I decided to get some food.
And that’s when I saw him. Wesley Barrington Bains II.
He was sitting on a little bench beside the carp pond, all by himself, texting someone. He had a pair of navy-blue jeans and white trainers on and a baseball cap and a thick gold chain over his Hackett polo shirt. He looked lovely. Really bloody lovely. I wanted to run right up and say hello but I didn’t, I acted cool and I walked over slowly and said, “All right, Billy-no-mates.”
He looked up with his totally lush green eyes and he said, “Shiraz! All right babe?” then he stood up and gave me a little kiss on the face. “Had any mashed rat dramas lately, innit?” he said.
“Nah mate, I am totally mashed rat free,” I said, and then we both laughed about me running down the road in the wellies.
“I was so like a knight in shining armor, innit?” Wesley said, proudly.
“Yeah you were!” I said. Just then some of the grown-ups started stripping their clothes off down to their swimming suits and began getting into the whirlpools, which was so gross that me and Wesley could hardly talk for laughing. One geezer had a belly so big he looked like he was about to give birth to a hippo. Then, just as I was about to sit down and have a proper chat I heard Carrie’s voice.
“Wesley? Wesley?! Has Bezzie found that spare lead yet?” said Carrie. “I told him to do it for 3 PM!” Carrie looked stunning. She was wearing a short navy-blue dress. Not her tracksuit or jeans. And she was wearing a TIARA! She had borrowed Collette Brown’s tiara! She looked totally beautiful. Like a WAG. She saw me and grabbed me for a hug, shouting, “Ooh! Shizza! You’re here! I didn’t know you were here! We were up in my bedroom putting on some more makeup!”
I looked over Carrie’s shoulder and there was a girl standing there with straight blonde hair in a low-cut white dress. Her knockers were already sunburned.
“Shiraz,” said Carrie, “this is Dee-Dee! You’ve never met each other before?”
“Hi,” said Dee-Dee, glaring at me.
“Dee-Dee,” said Wesley, “this is the girl who I found outside the factory.”
It didn’t sound as nice when he put it like that.
“Yeah, I know who Shiraz is,” said Dee-Dee, staring right at me.
We all stood about for a bit awkwardly, then Bezzie pitched up wearing a full Burberry tracksuit, holding some electrical leads, saying, “Right peoples, now we can get dis bashment jumpin big time!” He says stuff like that a lot. You get used to it after a while.
We all walked through the crowds together to the sun patio where Bezzie’s sound system was. Dee-Dee was whispering in Carrie’s ear and linking Wesley’s arms and they
were all saying something about a car cruise they’d all gone to recently. I started to feel really angry then. Especially as it then dawned on me that when Bezzie said he was going to play “some tunes,” he actually meant “his own tunes,” meaning for the next hour he was dropping stuff like “Girl U Iz My Baby-Boo” and “Clinton — Don’t Diss My Wifey” which he then MC’D OVER HIMSELF. And he sounded rubbish. It sounded like a drunk person arguing with a dustbin but Carrie and Dee-Dee thought it was AMAZING. All the grown-ups seemed to think it was funny and they started dancing around and at one point I looked over and to my bloody horror my mum and dad, who looked well hammered, were doing fake hip-hop dancing. God, I could have died. Carrie, Bezzie and Dee-Dee were laughing and cheering them on. Wesley gave me a look like he could see I was embarrassed.
“Woo-hoo!” laughed Dee-Dee. “Shake that ass!” Then Dee-Dee started doing an impersonation of my mother and everyone was laughing more.
Something inside me just snapped. I stormed off upstairs to the loo with Carrie following after me. She pushed her arm through mine and pulled me back.
“Shiz, what’s up?” she said. I just tutted and said I was OK.
“Come on Shiz, tell me what’s up!” she said, sounding like she actually cared. What a faker. I just decided to totally tell her the truth.
“Oh you wanna know what’s wrong, do you?!” I said. “Bloody Dee-Dee. That’s what’s up.”
“What about Dee-Dee?” she said.
“What’s she doing here? Snotty cow,” I said.
Carrie looked stunned. “I had to invite her, Shiz. She’s Wesley’s bird. And she’s my mate now too.”
My face flushed red then. “Yeah, too right, I know that! That’s why I never see you anymore! That’s why we never hang out no more! ’Cos when you’re not with bloody Bezzie, you’re with Dee-Dee! You treat me like crap these days.”
“No I don’t!” said Carrie, but she looked a bit guilty.
“You only see me when there’s no one else! I only found out about this barbecue ’cos my mum was invited! You’ve changed! The moment you met Bezzie Kelleher you changed!”
Carrie’s lip wobbled. Good, I thought, I hope she cries.
“That’s not true!” she said.
“Yes it is! You’re totally not the same person now you’re with Bezzie,” I shouted. “You even kicked me out of the car on the street! You’re an airhead and a user! And by the way, your Bezzie can’t rap! And he’s not even buff or nothing — he’s MINGING!”
Carrie’s mouth fell open then.
“And I hope you’re all happy together,” I shouted. “You and munter and Wesley and sunburned knockers. Have a nice life. Laterz!”
I turned around and stormed off down the stairs, but then Carrie shouted after me, “Oh well, suit yourself Shiraz, you mardy cow! Don’t take it out on me ’cos you fancy Wesley Barrington Bains II and he don’t fancy you back. Which he don’t by the way! He loves Dee-Dee! You blew that one being your usual awkward-cow self!” Carrie’s voice started to crack a bit then. “And don’t diss my Bezzie ’cos I love him and we’re going to be together forever! And, er, that’s how it is! Build a bridge and get over it, you silly mare!”
I turned around to shout something back but Carrie was really crying then. And by the time I got to the garden gate I was too.
AUGUST
FRIDAY 1ST AUGUST
I am so totally not speaking to Carrie Draper. And I so DON’T CARE. If she wants to spend the school holiday with stupid Dee-Dee, munter Bezzie and Mr. Smooth Wesley in their stupid cars going to stupid car cruises then that suits me fine. How anyone manages to fit in a car with Dee-Dee and those monstrous melons is a bleeding miracle anyhow. Good riddance to all of them. I am really happy. I’m keeping it real.
SUNDAY 3RD AUGUST
Still not speaking to Carrie. I don’t miss her at all. Got better stuff to do this summer, like watching telly, sunbathing, and being personal trainer to the dog. Penny needs to lose weight. The vet says that unless she does more exercise and stops eating Hostess pasties she will die. I don’t want Penny to die, she has been very supportive during my fall-out with Carrie. I took Penny to Goodmayes Park this afternoon for a run. She frolicked like a normal dog for a bit then she smelled a burger van and lay down sulking until I bought her a hot-dog. Not everyone can be as positive and motivated as me.
WEDNESDAY 6TH AUGUST
Poor Penny. I just measured her out one cup of Purina Lo-fat Science Diet from the vet. She stared at it, looking proper depressed. It’s for her own good. Just like when I told Carrie that Bezzie was a minger who couldn’t rap. It was for her own good!
I feel well bad about that now. Not that I think about Carrie Draper much. Well, OK, I did just then, but that was the first time today, right?
FRIDAY 8TH AUGUST
Mum came home from work today in a right mood. Me, Murphy, and Cava-Sue were all lying about bored on the couch eating Pringles watching CITV when Murphy shouts at Mum, “Oi! What’ya making for dinner?” For some reason this sent Mum loopy.
“What am I making for dinner?” Mum shouted. “What are YOU lot making ME for dinner? You’re as fit as I am!” We all stared at her ’cos she was obviously having some sort of mentalist episode. “Look at you all!” she yelled. “You lazy bloody lumps! Do you think I’m a slave? Is this what you think you’re doing for the summer holidays? Dossing about on your fat behinds eating crisps?” I informed Mum that I wasn’t dossing, I was supervising the dog’s weight-loss regime. “Well you’re doing a blindin’ job there Shiraz,” shouted Mum, “’cos the front door was left open and I just found her down at Aunty Glo’s house eating jam tarts!”
SATURDAY 9TH AUGUST
Mum has made a home-duties chart. She saw it on this show called The Terrible Teen Tamer on ITV. She’s put a chart in the kitchen and some stickers and some felt-tip pens and when we do our housework chore we’ve got to mark it off on the chart and get a gold star. If we get three gold stars we get an extra £2 a week allowance. According to The Terrible Teen Tamer this will make everyone stop wanting to kill each other.
Cava-Sue started whining right away ’cos she has to clean the bathroom. Cava-Sue says Murphy’s bumhole is a law unto itself and he can clean up his own skidmarks. Then Mum got narky and said HARD LUCK ’cos she’s been in charge of EVERYBODY’S bloody skidmarks for the last twenty years and she wants a day off. Then Cava-Sue got upset and shouted that “this entire family has a conspiracy to break her spirit.” Then Murphy chipped in that there was NO WAY he was hanging out the washing as it was a girl’s job and he wasn’t touching anyone’s thongs. So I said I’d swap with Murphy and he could do the dusting and polishing instead. Then Cava-Sue said that was TOTALLY UNFAIR ’cos that meant Murphy had the easiest job as usual. So Mum told Cava-Sue to shut up ’cos Murphy is a boy and he’s no good at housework. Then Cava-Sue got really angry at Mum and said that maybe if Mum hadn’t been such a bloody dinosaur in her attitudes and made Dad and Murphy do some housework then they’d be less helpless and Mum wouldn’t be such a slave in the first place. Mum told her to shut up and go and wash her hair ’cos it was greasy. “It’s like living in the Dark Ages before feminism happened!” squealed Cava-Sue, storming off.
“Well if you don’t like it here then you know where the door is!” shouted Mum.
I went to my room sharpish before I ended up on skidmark patrol.
SUNDAY 10TH AUGUST
No one has got a gold star yet. I put the dog on the bathroom scales. She has put on two pounds. I am trying to stay positive but it is quite hard. I looked at Carrie’s MySpace site for ages today. She has gone to the Dominican Republic for three weeks with her mum and dad. Carrie’s family always have dead good holidays. They actually enjoy spending time together. They never chuck felt-tips at each other’s heads or draw rude pictures of each other with willies poking out their heads on home-duties charts. I miss going to Draperville.
TUESDAY 12TH AUGUST
Cava-
Sue says she will NOT co-operate with the regime anymore as the gold star scheme is completely UNJUST. Why should Murphy get a star for playing Zombie Armageddon in his underpants with a can of Mr. Sheen polish sitting next to him? Mum said, “Fair enough, but I’m NOT lending you another penny and you can stop farting about with that drama course and get a job right now!”
Cava-Sue went mental then and shouted, “You never wanted me to get an education anyway so that’ll suit you just fine. That’s why you came up to the college and made a big show of me during my play!”
So Mum shouted, “I think you were making a big enough display of yourself, Cava-Sue! And I don’t care what you do as long as you bring some money into the house and stop scrounging.”
Then Cava-Sue shouted that she wasn’t a scrounger and the only reason she’d asked to borrow £20 yesterday was ’cos her student loan hadn’t cleared and she was going to The Secret Underground festival that weekend with Lewis.
Then Mum laughed and said that there was NO WAY Cava-Sue was going to the Magic Underpant festival or whatever it was called with all her soap-dodger mates ’cos Mum’s changed her mind about the loan now ’cos of all Cava-Sue’s lip.
Cava-Sue looked totally furious then. She slammed down her copy of Rolling Stone magazine and stormed upstairs. There was a lot of banging, then she came down carrying a big suitcase and three plastic bags and a sleeping bag and some files. She looked at Mum and shouted, “I hope you’re happy now, you bloody witch! I never want to see you again!” and walked out slamming the door.
Mum put down her cup of tea and went to the window and watched her storming off up Thundersley Road. Mum’s hands were shaking and she looked like she was about to cry, but she didn’t stop Cava-Sue going.
THURSDAY 14TH AUGUST
Cava-Sue has not come home for two days. She’s ignoring my texts. I know she’s probably just at Lewis’s house sulking or something. She’ll come home. It’s quite good having the bedroom to myself. I can listen to whatever music I like and have the light on as late as I want. I brought the portable TV from the kitchen upstairs last night and watched Hollyoaks in bed. It was weird not having Cava-Sue slagging it off all the time for being “poorly structured.”
