by David Cross
WAYNE
This is a great show. I’m taping it. They love when you tape stuff. I think Janie’s lovin’ it.
JANIE
It’s weird. I feel, I don’t know, like time is… being wasted.
Now the crowd is bored, staring at the band. Song starts up again, and offscreen someone shouts.
SOMEONE (O.S.)
Noo!
Our camera finds Chicken. She is selling dried peach pits.
CHICKEN
Fresh peach pits! Boycott sweatshop sockhops! Peach pits, right outta the peach!
EXT. FIELD - NIGHT
The dead of night. Oren sits in a chair reading a paper. He never looks up as he continues making the “Stretch” sign. The BAND is tired and slouch against their equipment. Concertgoers sleep in sleeping bags around them.
EXT. FIELD - DAWN
Hippies rise. We see the band in a further state of exhaustion, still jamming. The image splits in that outmoded manner, fractured so it can feature each band member in their own frame, all “lost” in the “jam”… cripes.
ANGLE ON: Frat guys waking… not sure what the noise is. They didn’t have a very good sleep.
COLLEGE KID 2
Dude, what’s that fucking noise?
COLLEGE KID 3
It’s that band, they’re still playing…
ANGLE ON: Orthur and Jean… bright-eyed.
ANGLE ON: Janie and Wayne wake up, having shared a sleeping bag. Wayne feels refreshed.
WAYNE
Hey, this is really cool, they’re still playing that song!
Janie realizes this is true and is instantly bummed.
JANIE
What, really?
WAYNE
Yeah… it’s really… special.
Wayne grins. Janie shrugs and turns over, and a strange look crosses her face.
EXT. MEDIC TENT
A small medic area under a tarp. Fifteen cots are arranged, most empty, and four MEDICS working.
Pan to a HIPPY GIRL sitting on a cot, staring into space. MEDIC ONE and TWO are waving smelling salts under her nose, checking her pulse, looking into her eyes. Her expression doesn’t change. Her WORRIED GIRLFRIEND stands behind her.
WORRIED GIRLFRIEND
She didn’t drink, she doesn’t do drugs, anything…
MEDIC ONE turns to MEDIC TWO.
MEDIC ONE
This is the third case I’ve seen in the last fifteen minutes… something bad is happening.
EXT. BACKSTAGE
Oren is painting on an easel. A painting of a field with a pile of money in it. Frank rushes in.
FRANK
Oren, we got a real problem.
OREN BURG
What is it?
FRANK
I don’t know, some of the kids are comin’ down with something.
OREN BURG
It’s probably bad acid… no! What am I sayin’? This generation—freaks, probably a bad protein bar.
He laughs it off and walks away…
INT. MEDIC TENT
It’s getting much busier here. More ZOMBIE KIDS on cots, more standing about. Most stare off into space. The Medics are hustling but can’t keep up.
MEDIC TWO
Oh my God, have you seen the line out there…?
MEDIC ONE
Stay cool! It’s not a virus, there’s no fever…
MEDIC TWO
But people are drifting off… I can’t get pulses, their temperatures are dropping!
MEDIC ONE
I know, just think, we’ll figure it out—
MEDIC TWO
I can’t think! Too many people… and they keep playing that damn song—
MEDIC ONE
That’s it! That’s what it is… they’re dying… of boredom.
A moment of recognition. Camera pans over to WAYNE wailing.
WAYNE
Janieeeee! Somebody help her!!
Wayne carries Janie’s limp body into the tent. Medics rush over, hook her up to a heart monitor, shoot her with adrenaline.
MEDIC ONE
Get me more adrenaline!
MEDIC TWO
How much do we need?
MEDIC ONE
Whatever you got, call the army, the governor, we need to pump these kids full of it…
Medic One grabs Medic Two just before he rushes off.
MEDIC ONE (CONT’D)
(hyperdramatic)
And tell that band to stop playing that damn song!
Medic One focuses on Janie…
MEDIC ONE (CONT’D)
What’s her name?
WAYNE
Janie! I’m a grad student…
(out of breath, as though it is important)
I’m a grad student… studying Middle Earth Poli-Sci… just wrote a paper on Elves and Trolls… Who Rules the Forest, Spells vs. Incantations, etc… a week from this Tuesday, I’ll find out my grade…
MEDIC ONE
What? So what?
Janie’s heart monitor registers flatline.
MEDIC ONE (CONT’D)
No!
(to Wayne)
You idiot! Why’d you waste my time with that story?!!
WAYNE
… It’s not really a story… it’s just…
Medic One works furiously to save Janie.
SFX: Heart Monitor, flatline sound.
Medic One covers Janie’s face with a sheet before moving on to another victim.
WAYNE (CONT’D)
What? What happened?
(falling to his knees)
Noooooo!!!!
This word transitions us to…
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. SUPER-DUPER MULTIPLEX
DROOPY
Noooooooo… nope…
A VERY ANNOYED BOX OFFICE ATTENDANT stands in front of a massive marquee advertising thirty-six movies and starting times. She stares at a guy who is trying to pick one to see… it’s DROOPY.
DROOPY (CONT’D)
No… not that one… not that one either…
ATTENDANT
(sternly)
What movie do you want to see, sir? There are other people in line.
DROOPY
I don’t know. I’d like to see… a movieeeee… that’s a… comedyyyyyy… with some dramaaaa—action-eyyyyy…
DOLLY DOWN a line of annoyed MOVIE NERDS, some sitting in camping chairs under a shade umbrella. LAND ON Bob and David at the end of the line.
BOB
David, check out this line.
DAVID
Yeah, this must be a blockbuster.
David taps the shoulder of HARRY, a MOVIE NERD sitting in a folding chair ahead of him. Harry shares a cooler with his friend, DREW.
DAVID (CONT’D)
Excuse me, guys, what film are you in line for?
HARRY
It’s gonna be awesome!
DAVID
No, I asked you which movie are you waiting in line for?
Harry looks at Drew, Drew shrugs.
DREW
The new one.
BOB
But you don’t know which one it is?
HARRY
Nope. I bet we like it, though.
DREW
Yup.
They high-five.
BOB
So, you’re fans of movies… in general.
They nod.
CUT BACK TO:
EXT. HOLLYWOOD BLVD
The front of the line.
DROOPY
… can I just buy one ticket and sneak into every theatre?
ATTENDANT
No.
DROOPY
Okay. What’s the best movie you have?
ATTENDANT
My boss says I’m not supposed to recommend movies.
DROOPY
Well, if you don’t like movies, why do you work here?
(laughs to himself)
ATTENDANT
(groans)
DROOPY
> (celebrating—to no one)
That shut her up!
ATTENDANT
I like movies! So do all the people in line behind you. They’d like to see one, this week.
DROOPY
Uhhh… okay…
ANGLE ON: Bob and David talking to the movie nerds.
DREW
We see every movie the day it comes out.
HARRY
At least once.
DAVID
But what if it sucks?
Harry and Drew are taken aback by this suggestion.
HARRY
(defensive)
It’s gonna be great.
DAVID
Maybe, but what if it sucks?
DREW
It’s gonna be totally awesome.
BOB
How do you know that? You don’t even know what it is?!
A beat.
DREW
Well, look at the line.
Others in line agree.
OTHER NERDS
Yeah / It’s really long…
Bob and David shake their heads.
SFX: Kooky car horn which plays snippet of “Hooray for Hollywood.”
Bob and David turn to see an old timey Model-T car drive by, festooned with colorful crepe and balloons, a sign on the side reading “The Mayor Of Hollywood.” In the front is a CHAUFFEUR. In the back seat the MAYOR sits, waving to passersby (we recognize him from the painting in the DMV office break room).
BOB
The Mayor of Hollywood!
DAVID
Great. And we’ve got just fifteen minutes left!
EXT. OFFICE DOOR
Sign on the frosted glass door reads, “The Mayor of Hollywood.”
Bob and David enter.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. MAYOR’S OFFICE
Dolly across various movie memorabilia and posters: Attack of the Machines! (featuring typewriters, large calculators, with legs), She-Apes of the Amazon, a full-sized stuffed bear holding a gun beside a poster of Bears with Guns! and Vampire Darkie—Double the Trouble! The poster features a young, black, “hip” vampire.
BOB (O.S.)
Wow… some real ancient artifacts.
DAVID (O.S.)
Yeah… I bet this stuff is worth a lot… to weirdos.
BOB (O.S.)
Yeah.
Suddenly, a door opens. The Mayor steps out of his private bathroom, the toilet flushing behind him.
THE MAYOR
Whoo!
(re: his turd)
Talk about the birth of a nation…
The Mayor shuffles over to his desk. He has a riding crop and wears jodhpurs, argyle cardigan, etc.
BOB
Mr. Mayor.
DAVID
Hi, we’re Bob and David. We just need your signature.
David shows the Mayor the slip from Carlotta.
THE MAYOR
I used to be king of the movies!
BOB
That’s great.
David checks the clock… it’s broken and covered in dust.
DAVID
But if you could just sign this—we’re trying to make our own movie.
THE MAYOR
What’s your gimmick?
DAVID
Huh?
THE MAYOR
Your gimmick, kid. How you gonna reel ’em in? All my movies had a gimmick.
(points to a poster)
Attack of the Machines, we threw wires at the audience, scared ’em half to death.
(another poster)
Day of the Man with the One Arm That Was Like a Crab’s! When it played we would throw live crabs on ’em. People loved it!
BOB
Okay, well, we thought we’d have the theatre sell popcorn and drinks.
THE MAYOR
Wild! Won’t work, though, already tried it.
He points to a poster for Popcorn Monster Returns!
THE MAYOR (CONT’D)
People don’t like popcorn at the movies. Too delicious.
DAVID
(pointing to a poster)
What’s that one?
We see the poster for One-Eyed Aliens of Planet Mars! This is the most normal-looking poster of all; horrified faces in the foreground, a typical ’50s spaceship opening its hatch, barely revealing the shadow of the Alien.
THE MAYOR
(ruefully)
That was the movie that ruined me. Scared the entire nation. Did well in Europe, though.
BOB
Great. Now, if you could just sign…
THE MAYOR
Watch! And learn…
He starts the film projector on his desk and we see:
(*NOTE* This is a low budget sci-fi movie trailer ala Plan Nine from Outer Space.)
MUSIC: “Scary” theremin, organ sci-fi theme
Shot of twinkling stars (a black cloth with pinholes and light behind it).
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
(bombastic)
Look! Into the sky! Behind the cloth of night, do you see the hundreds of beautiful twinkling stars? But wait! What would you do if there suddenly appeared…
Title Card wipes onscreen…
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
One-Eyed Aliens of Planet Mars!
CUT TO:
EXT. SUBURBAN STREET
MUSIC: Sweet, innocent melody
DENNIS MCBOY, a typical ’50s movie ten-year-old, plays jacks on the sidewalk.
DENNIS
(sing-songy)
La, la, loo, Jacksaroo, tell the king he’s eating stew.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
How will you feel when…
The music rises in pitch as a shadow crosses the sidewalk.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
… visitors from outer space appear?!
Dennis looks up, the shadow crosses his face, he runs, leaving his jacks behind.
CUT TO:
INT. EFFECT SHOT
A typical cheapo pie-plate-on-a-string type of flying saucer hovers and lands next to a model of the White House.
INT. WHITE HOUSE
The PRESIDENT speaks directly to camera, as on a TV news special report.
PRESIDENT
Citizens of America, it is I, your President. Alien super-beings from Mars have landed here in Washington. Do not be afraid. General Rutgers…
BRIEF ANGLE ON: GENERAL RUTGERS, ’50s crewcut general, standing behind President.
PRESIDENT (CONT’D)
… of the US Armed Forces has spoken to them on the wireless radio and assures me that they come in peace with many wondrous things to teach us.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
How will our leaders react to the unscheduled arrival of strange visitors from beyond?
CUT TO:
EXT. WHITE HOUSE LAWN
The PRESIDENT and GENERAL RUTGERS stand on a platform beside a cheapo cardboard spaceship. Other world leaders are there: CHINESE MAO GUY, SAUDI PRINCE FELLA. The President checks his watch, the general shrugs.
CUT TO:
EXT. SAME
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
What about regular people?
White-bread CITIZENS, including little DENNIS, stand behind army lines, anxious and excited. A SCARED YOUNG SOLDIER holding a rifle stands in front of them.
EXT. WHITE HOUSE
ANGLE ON: Rocket ship.
SFX: Cheapo futuristic door opening on spacecraft!
MUSIC: Tension rising
CUTAWAYS TO:
Nervous CITIZENS assembled.
INT. BAR - NERVOUS BUSINESSMEN and some DRUNKS, watching it on TV.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
How about Swedish folks?!—
A FAMILY in a SWEDISH HOME, also watching on TV.
The tension rises—the door opens, smoke billows—
The CAMERA PANS up the body of the aliens; they have three toes, but otherwise have relatively normal bodies, and they’re wearing silvery space suits. Before we see their heads, we CUT AWAY to…
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ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
And how will you react when you see—
CITIZENS squinting, jaws dropping, covering their children’s faces.
The WORLD LEADERS, appalled.
We hear the aliens speak—
ALIEN #2 (O.S.)
(in corny ’50s alien voice)
Greetings. We come in peace.
ANGLE ON: Speechless President and General.
As MUSIC CRESCENDOES.
ANGLE ON: Alien’s head, it is shaped like a giant penis.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
One-Eyed Aliens of Planet Mars!
Title GRAPHIC wipes frame, then drops out as another Alien with penis head enters the shot.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
See our leaders get flustered!
ANGLE ON: The President.
PRESIDENT
Oh my God, they look like my penis!
Off the GENERAL’S shocked reaction.
PRESIDENT (CONT’D)
I mean, well, anyone’s penis… you know what I mean… I’m nervous…
ANGLE ON: ALIEN #2.
ALIEN #2
We come bearing tidings of peace and great benefit for all Earth people!
ALIEN #1
Let’s all hug and jump around!
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
See Americans in panic!
INT. AMERICAN FAMILY HOME
Pipe-smoking DAD and MOM grab kids and hustle them along.
