by David Cross
SFX: Applause.
BEGIN DEBATE MONTAGE
DON
… take a three percent cut across the board and redistribute it to the states.
Applause.
DISSOLVE TO:
DAN
… in doing so we’d increase the Pentagon’s budget, cut taxes, and build five hundred new prisons.
Applause.
DISSOLVE TO:
DAVID
… after you pay your taxes?! Right?
… how about a “Thank You” from the IRS, or what I like to call, “The Internal ‘Revenue’ Service”…
(rolls his eyes)
Applause.
DAVID (CONT’D)
Then we combine prisons and schools, call them schrizons and you’ve got some clear motivation for those kids. Thank you.
Applause mixed with happy hooting.
DISSOLVE TO:
DON
… send the ambassador to Cuba, and firmly remind them that democracy is America’s number one export.
Applause.
DISSOLVE TO:
DAN
(emotional story)
… and that woman’s name is Donita Mqueef. She’s with us tonight. Stand up, dear.
An elderly black woman in the audience stands, to applause.
DAN (CONT’D)
We’re going to get you that turkey dinner, dear!
DISSOLVE TO:
DAVID
… and so I want you all to join me in checking under your seat. Check under your seat. Who’s got the star?
Everyone in the audience checks under their seats. We hear, off-camera…
AUDIENCE MEMBER
Hey!
Camera swooshes to catch the BLACK FEMALE AUDIENCE MEMBER waving a big gold star, super-excited!
ENERGETIC SMASH CUT:
The WOMAN is onstage with David. David is slapping hundred-dollar bills into her open palm. The AUDIENCE counts along with him.
DAVID
Three hundred, four hundred, five hundred…
ANGLE ON: Dan and Don are annoyed.
DISSOLVE TO:
DAN
… because I believe we can all go forward together, only if our leaders are behind us all the way. Now I would like to ask a question to David.
David is shocked out of a daydream.
DAVID
Huh? What’s up?
DAN
David, the American people deserve to know the character of the people they’re voting for.
Dan pulls out a blown-up PHOTO.
DAN (CONT’D)
This picture clearly shows you smoking marijuana. What do you say?
The audience gasps. In the photo, David is in a DORM ROOM with two other kids, giving a thumbs-up, his mouth on the BONG. Everyone is very high.
DAVID
(nervous)
Okay. Wow. Where’d you get that? Did T.J. give that to you? Where is he?
DON
Answer the question.
Chance and Hartnut are nervous.
DAVID
Look, everybody, listen. I’m not going to lie to you. Yes, I was in a place where there was marijuana. But, the question is, did I in fact inhale?
ANGLE ON: Chance and Hartnut relieved.
DAVID (CONT’D)
Yes. Of course I did.
ANGLE ON: Chance and Hartnut nervous again.
DAVID (CONT’D)
But, let me make one thing perfectly clear. I… did not… get high.
Audience murmurs, they’re not really buying it.
DAVID (CONT’D)
It was all shake. By the time the bowl got to me it was cashed. It was a beat party, the people I was supposed to meet never showed, so I blew it off, got hammered instead.
Murmurs of disapproval. Dan and Don smile. Cobb pounds his gavel.
COBB
The Great Debate will be back after this.
STAGEHAND (O.S.)
Clear!
Chance approaches David.
DAVID
How am I doing? These guys are killing with their moon material.
CHANCE
Don’t worry about them, they can go on about the moon all they want. You just read this.
Chance hands David a script. David’s eyes widen as he reads.
MOMENTS LATER–
CUT TO:
DAVID
(to camera)
It’s very simple. This is my last campaign stop. In the next month, my opponents will spend an estimated combined total of 178 million dollars campaigning for your vote. I, too, will spend 178 million dollars. On you. If elected, I will send each and every registered voter a check for 4,072 dollars and 65 cents.
David holds up a GIANT CHECK to “Joe Public.”
DAVID (CONT’D)
So, the only question for you America, is, “How are you going to spend your 4,072 dollars?”
David points at the camera and grins. We hear applause and the WINNER BELL goes off. Everyone is stunned.
ON TV: CLOSING MUSIC AND THE CREDITS OF THE DEBATE
CUT TO:
INT. SPORT ’N LOUNGE
In a cruddy hometown bar, the usual bunch of blue-collar types are watching the debate.
GUY ONE
I’m voting for that fella, what’s his name?
OLD DRUNK
Clat Dross.
GUY TWO
Three cheers for Clat Dross!
They all do one big cheer.
ALL
Clat Dross! Clat Dross! Clat Dross!
As they cheer we pan down their greasy faces, ending on a very sad, quiet fellow on the end who explodes…
BOB
His name is David Cross!
But no one hears him over their cheering.
CUT TO:
INT. RADIO STUDIO
Bob as the radio talk show guy from before, TOM RITE.
TOM
(irate)
It’s crass! It’s blatant! This guy’s trying to buy your votes, folks, that’s it! That’s all it is! And I for one am thrilled! Because this guy, this “David” is buying my vote from me! Not paying off some mega-conglomerate! He’s paying me! And I like it, he’s got it, and I’m right!
Again, in one swift motion he cues his theme music, drops his headphones and plays a video game.
CUT TO:
EXT. SAME STREET FROM BEFORE
We see the SAME POSTER as before.
REPORTER (O.S.)
What are you going to do with your money?
MAN ONE
(excited)
I’m gonna get me one of them all-in-one massage chairs with a built-in stereo in the ear parts!
CUT TO:
WOMAN
I’d like to finally take that dream vacation to Reno… or Las Vegas, whichever one has better odds.
CUT TO:
MAN TWO
Hello big-screen TV!
CUT TO:
GROUP OF COLLEGE GUYS
(screaming into camera)
MONEY!!!
CUT TO:
MUSIC SWELLS AS WE WATCH DAVID GETTING ELECTED…
As we watch an ELECTION DAY MONTAGE of all the people we just saw coming out of polling places and cheering—they just made four thousand bucks! David is acting very dignified in his voting booth until just after he votes, then he BURSTS from the booth, jumping up and down, pumping his fist and screaming in other VOTERS’ faces.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. PODIUM
David’s presidential INAUGURATION. Thousands of people are there. CHANCE and two EXECUTIVES flank David. David is finishing the oath. A white-haired JUDGE reads the oath. David is very excited, looking around, waving to famous people.
JUDGE
… and do you swear to uphold the Constitution?
DAVID
… to uphold the Constitution.
JUDGE
And follow the will of the people.
DAVID
… follow the people.<
br />
JUDGE
And lead…
DAVID
… lead.
JUDGE
… to the best of my ability…
DAVID
… ability…
JUDGE
… in the eyes of God.
DAVID
Yeah, yeah, yeah…
JUDGE
You may now be the president.
Fanfare plays. David shouts.
DAVID
Let’s kick some ass!
Big cheers and hugs all around. Chance and Mr. Hartnut grin and shake hands. Hartnut hands Chance a large briefcase.
DAVID (CONT’D)
Thank you.
On a stage off to the side is an R&B GROUP. It’s comprised of THREE BLACK SINGERS and ONE WHITE SINGER. They are dressed in flowing silk pajamas, gold chains, etc.
DAVID (CONT’D)
Now ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, with the inaugural song, Sir Groove-alot Records recording artist from Pennsylvania: Funkadelphia.
SINGERS
Ooooohhhhh…
(speaking)
Oh, baby, you’ve been around over two hundred years but you still lookin’ good to me. What’d you say your name was? America? Damn, baby, I’m gonna make love to you for four years.
(singing)
With the finest champay-ay-ayne…
The song continues. From out of nowhere Chow-Chow rolls up to David.
CHOW
Uncle! Uncle!
DAVID
Hey kiddo, how’s it going?
CHOW
Uncle! You’re the president! Now you can get me my special shoes for my fat feet.
DAVID
(chuckles)
Now that I’m president there’s a lot of things I intend to do. I’m going to get a satellite dish and watch whatever show I want, whenever I want. I’m gonna crank-call people…
CHOW
Oh. And special shoes, Uncle? Special shoes for me?
DAVID
I’m not finished! I’m gonna party all day, take a party nap, and then party all night with the best, most partyingist international celebrities that’ll make you wish you’d never been born.
David is approached on both sides by CHET, a young executive, Mr. Hartnut, and Chance. He shoves Chow away.
CHET
David. Uh, Mr. President, congratulations.
CHANCE
Well, this is it, we done it. You take care ’n’ do what Mr. H says.
Mr. Hartnut steps up, smiling ear to ear. David looks at him with a mix of obedience and uncertainty.
CHANCE (CONT’D)
Enjoy this now. Like my Uncle Flip said: you’re on the tip-top of the mip-mop.
This registers with David, where has he heard this before?
MUSIC: Sad-ish melody.
CUT TO:
EXT. BUS DEPOT.
Bob walking through a decaying, industrial part of town. He passes several holes in the ground.
BOB (V.O.)
Dear David. Hey, long time no hear from you. Ha ha. Well, I’m back home. Nothing much has changed. My old high school…
Bob passes a high school with the sign: “Vice President Humphrey High: Courage in the Face of Certain Failure.”
BOB (V.O.)
… the old plant…
Bob stands before the gates of a smoke-spewing factory with the words “Stacking Plant, a Division of Globo-Chem” on a sign.
BOB (V.O.)
… my parents’ house…
Bob is on a street of identical suburban homes, he’s knocking on one door.
BOB
Come on, Dad, open up!
Bob pounds on the door. A NEIGHBOR answers. He is not happy. Bob realizes he’s missed his parents’ house by one house, and apologizes.
BOB (CONT’D)
They’re all still here.
INT. CLASSROOM
Bob sits in a classroom chair, listening intently.
BOB (V.O.)
I got a job performing, so, I’m keeping the dream alive.
ANGLE ON: the TEACHER, TRILL!
TRILL
It ain’t brain surgery. If you do well, you’ll get to play America’s favorite corporate spokes-thing—you’ll get to wear the blue-head! Pit Pat! And share his joy with children! Who wants in?
The class all applaud, too excitedly, and TRILL slams them hard with his tough-guy act.
TRILL:
All right, kiddos, this class is not for the weak. You’re all my bitches now, and you have to EARN that costume—
ANGLE ON: Pit Pat costume hanging on a display—Bob is in school to play a Pit Pat mascot.
TRILL (CONT’D)
… and it don’t come cheap. Open your Shakespeare to page thirty-four and begin reciting.…
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. MODERN STYLE L.A. HOME - NIGHT
We see the Hollywood sign through a picture window and hear a TOUR GUIDE’S spiel.
TOUR GUIDE (O.C.)
Keeping a promise he made during his campaign, the prez built this new White House in Hollywood, allowing him to remain closer to the people and the stars we all love.
Reveal Interior, L.A. White House.
MUSIC UP: Background, rap
Lots of couches, a big TV, Italia 2000 furniture, Nagel prints, track lighting. Amongst this crap are some traditional paintings of past presidents. The TOUR GUIDE is leading a group of MIDDLE-AGED TOURIST TYPES.
TOUR GUIDE
The new White House has over thirty-seven television sets. One is over your head right now.
They look up to see a big-screen TV over their heads, playing Reservoir Dogs.
TOUR GUIDE (CONT’D)
There are over twenty-four beers on tap, including the prez’s own microbrew. He has his own casino, a drive-in closet, and air-conditioned shoes.
VISITOR
Where does he get his work done?
TOUR GUIDE
Good question. This is the signing room.
She crosses to a door with the words “Signing Room” on it.
TOUR GUIDE (CONT’D)
And if we’re all real quiet, we can watch him at work.
She opens the door. The tiny room is a hubbub of activity, with David at a desk in the middle of it all. David is signing papers with Globo-Chem executive, Chet, looking over his shoulder. He notices the tourists.
DAVID
Hi, Donna! Hey, everybody!
Tourists smile and wave.
DAVID (CONT’D)
Hey, you guys be sure to check me out on TV. I’m gonna be in an episode of Hooter and Pooch, and I’m hosting Amazing Exploding Animals on…
Chet shoos the tourists away and closes the door.
DAVID (CONT’D)
Wait, I was talking to them, they’re my fans.
CHET
No pool party until you finish your signing.
David pouts.
CHET (CONT’D)
I’m serious.
David signs. We follow a DOCUMENT as it is put on a stack. A MAIL CART comes by, picks up the stack. The cart is labeled, “New Laws.”
CUT TO:
INT. SPORT ’N LOUNGE BAR
Back to Bob’s hometown bar. The REGULARS are here, smiling and opening their giant prop-sized CHECKS from the government.
OLD DRUNK
Bartender, 4,072 dollars’ worth of beer, please.
Everyone laughs as the BARTENDER serves the drunk. Bob is sitting in a booth. He has the Pit Pat costume on with the big blue head resting on the table next to him. Bob’s DAD enters.
DAD
What the hell are you doing with that thing?
BOB
Oh, this is just temporary until David gets me a Hollywood acting job. It’s called the Coattail Theory, Dad.
DAD
He ain’t gonna give you no job. Nobody never gave nobody else anything, ever.
BOB
(trying to do the math)
So, that means… e
verybody gives everybody everything all the time!
Dad scowls at Bob and then tosses an envelope at him.
DAD
This letter came for you today.
BOB
Hey, it’s from David! See, this is it!
Bob opens it.
CLOSE ON THE LETTER
FLAT VOICE (V.O.)
“Dear Citizen, we got your letter. Enclosed is a picture of the president with Willie Nelson. Yours Truly, the World’s Best Government.”
(with a TM stamp)
Bob sets the letter down, sad.
CUT TO:
INT. STACKING PLANT LUNCHROOM
There is a makeshift dais, set up at one end of the room. The PLANT MANAGER stands up at a podium with Bob’s Dad. The Manager reads from a card. Only about a third of the seats at the dais are occupied. Round lunchroom tables fill the rest of the room. People are eating their lunches only half paying attention. A BANNER hangs up behind the dais. It reads “Congratulations On You’re (sic) Retirement, And/Or Birthday!”
PLANT MANAGER
Anthony Odernklik, you have been working at this plant for forty-two years, today you are retiring. Please accept this chocolate watch as a token of our esteem. May it keep track of the sweet time that lies ahead of you when you eat it.
Applause as Bob’s Dad stands up at the dais.
DAD
Thanks, Mandy. As I look out at this collection of peoples, I see my boy. His name is Bob. Bob, I have a surprise for you. I’ve arranged for you to take over my workstation counting boxes. Also I have purchased a burial plot for you on top of mine, so you can follow me. Well, I guess my work here is done. I’m gonna go now.
