by Noelle Adams
“I meant pressuring me to tell you things I don’t understand myself. And now we’re fighting again. I was hoping we wouldn’t fall back into that but as soon as we got back into bed... here we are again.”
“We don’t have to be here if you’ll just—”
“Don’t tell me to open up when it feels like you’re pressuring me all the time to be someone different. No one can really open up under those circumstances.” Her voice was louder now. She was getting angry.
“I wasn’t pressuring you.”
“It feels to me like you were. I thought we were doing better, but sex was obviously a mistake.”
Something dropped like a rock in his gut. “It wasn’t a mistake.”
“I don’t know. We’re fighting again. We can’t seem to stop. And I don’t want to move too fast and get in deep before we figure out what we really want.”
Frustration and crushing disappointment pushed him into thoughtlessness. “Damn it, Michelle. This is what we really want.”
“Steve—”
“No. Don’t make up some sort of excuse. I’m who you want. I’m the man who can make you happy. And you’d know it if you didn’t always overthink things. I don’t care if you’re scared. I’m not going to let you do this to us again.”
“You’re not going to let—” She broke off the words with a hoarse gasp. “Fuck you, Steve. You don’t get to make decisions for me.”
“I’m not trying to make decisions for you.”
“You just did. Listen to yourself. You. Just. Did.”
Steve froze, more in response to the intensity of Michelle’s face than what she’d said.
“I know both of us wanted to have sex last night,” she continued in a softer, hoarser voice. “And it was great, but that doesn’t mean everything that was wrong between us can be fixed.” She pushed the laundry basket over some so she could sit down on the side of the bed. “Steve, I really don’t know if it can.”
That sounded final.
Final.
He took a couple of deep breaths to control his emotions. “I’ll never believe you don’t want me,” he said, sitting down beside her.
Her hands were twisted in her lap, and she was staring down at them. “It’s not about not wanting to have sex with you, Steve. Obviously I do. But sex is... sex isn’t enough for me.”
“We have a lot more than sex. You know we do.”
“But not all of what else we have is working. We were fighting all the time before, and it wasn’t because of sex. There was something fundamentally wrong between us. And that’s what we kept running up against. That’s why we kept fighting. And it’s pretty clear from what just happened that it’s still wrong between us.”
He wanted to scream, to shake her, to make her understand how wrong she was. “I don’t believe that was true. I know we fought a lot before, but we can do better now. Why can’t we?”
“Because what was wrong between us hasn’t been fixed.”
“I can—”
“Steve, don’t.” Her interruption was sharp but not mean. She sounded almost desperate. “You can’t fix this. It’s not your fault. It’s more my fault than yours, but I’m not even sure it’s really mine. It’s that... we just don’t... work.”
“We do work! You know we do. We just need another chance to—”
“Please, don’t.” Her voice was ragged now, and her hands were trembling in her lap. “I don’t want to fight with you anymore. I’m so tired of fighting with you all the time, even now that we’re broken up.”
He couldn’t stand it. He reached over to cover them with one of his own. Her hands grew still under his clasp.
He breathed a few more times until he had himself under control. “Kitten, you have to tell me what the fundamental problem is you’re worried about. It’s not fair to put an end to something I want so much without ever really explaining to me why.”
“I know it’s not fair.” She was crying now, a couple of tears streaming down her cheeks. “You think I don’t know that? I know it’s not fair. I’ve tried to explain it to you before, but you couldn’t understand. But it’s the reason we keep fighting. It’s the reason we can’t seem to stop fighting. I’m not sure how to explain it any more clearly.”
She was dead serious. She wasn’t just confused. She genuinely believed they could never be together.
It felt different than it had the first time she’d ended things between them.
He hadn’t believed it was real then.
He did now.
It hurt so much he could barely breathe.
When he was able to speak, he said, “Please try. Try to explain.”
She nodded and wiped her tears away. It took her a minute, but she finally said, “I care about you, Steve. And I know you care about me.”
Despite his intentions to listen and be patient, he couldn’t help but correct her. “I more than care about you. I love you.”
She took another shaky breath. “See, that’s the thing. I’m afraid... I’m really afraid that the woman you love isn’t me.”
His whole body jerked in reaction. “That’s not true.”
“It is. I’m pretty sure it is. You’ve always thought I was... I was this sweet, compliant person. Of course you thought so because that was how I acted. I obeyed my parents. I did what I was supposed to do. I was quiet and courteous and followed all the rules. I was... I was too embarrassed to admit or even know what I wanted in bed. I was delicate. I needed a strong man to help me, to take care of me. And you wanted to be that man. That was the woman you fell in love with.”
“You’re making it sound like you were weak and clingy, but you weren’t. You were never like that.”
“I felt like I was, and I didn’t like that about myself. It’s not your fault, Steve. It’s mine. My whole life, I’ve been trying to be someone I’m not, like I’m trying to wear clothes that just don’t fit.”
He could hear his own uneven breathing in the silence that followed. “Then who are you?”
“I don’t know. If I did, it would be easier. But I’m still trying to figure it out. I don’t want to be the person I was raised to be, but I don’t know if I’m capable of being someone different.”
He reached over and took her face in both his hands. “You don’t have to be the person you were raised to be. That’s not who I love. You can be anyone you want to be, and I’ll love you anyway.”
He saw the response in her eyes, and for a moment he hoped it meant he’d gotten through to her.
“Steve, it doesn’t work that way. You might still love me, but I’m not going to be who you want. I know you. You wanted to be married by now. You wanted to start having kids right away. Didn’t you?”
“I was never set on that.”
“Yes, you were. And the pressure I always felt from you was when you kept pushing me toward what you wanted—pushing us to get more serious, even if I wasn’t ready. I was a little kitten who needed to be gently nudged along in the right direction.”
She was right. He realized with a wave of guilt she was right.
He’d thought she was holding back on him, and he’d wanted that to change. So he’d pushed.
He’d pushed—and kept pushing because he wanted to get past the obstacle he couldn’t get out of his way.
He knew he had.
He could see the whole thing so clearly now.
He said, “Why can’t I change too? Didn’t we... didn’t we make that work last night, even though neither of us had done it before?”
“Yeah. But that was sex. This is our lives. I want you to have everything you want in life. I want you to be everything you want to be. If you want a woman who’s your kitten, then that’s who you should have. What you want is not me.”
The words were wrong. Utterly wrong.
But they were also final.
She’d made her decision, and it was a decision against him.
It hurt so much he felt like whimpering. Instead, he rasped, “And you’re not eve
n going to give me the chance to find that out for myself?”
“I’ve given us chance after chance, even though all we did was fight. We got into a fight a few minutes ago. What exactly do you think can be changed?”
“But I love you.”
She shook her head again. “I love you too, but I’m not going to drag this out any longer. It’s gone on too long, even after we broke up, and it’s not good for either of us. We can’t keep fighting all the time just so we can stay together. It’s over, Steve. You’re going to have to accept it.”
He jerked to his feet, swaying slightly as a wave of dizziness slammed into him.
It was over.
He knew it for sure.
He no longer had even any hope.
Just a long bleak sequence of days, weeks, months, years of living without her.
“I’m so sorry, Steve,” she said, a sob in her voice. “I never would have done this to you if I could have helped it. I just didn’t know how unhappy I was before.”
Unhappy.
She’d been unhappy with him.
He gave her a jerky nod. There was no way he could say anything.
She didn’t want him.
He couldn’t stay in this room any longer or he’d outright humiliate himself. He strode to the door, and right before he left, he heard Michelle say again, “I’m so sorry, Steve.”
He stepped into the hall and closed the bedroom door behind him.
Five
THE NEXT MORNING, MICHELLE felt like she’d really turned a page. An ending. A new start.
It was sad and a little exciting at the same time.
She still ached every time she thought of Steve, but she knew she’d done the right thing. After their breakup, she hadn’t felt like this. She’d felt guilty, uncertain, intensely anxious. This time was different.
This time it was real.
Which meant she could really start again.
She wanted to. Was ready to. Even knew a few of the first steps she’d make.
And now she finally had the chance.
There was one more week of the semester, but she didn’t have any exams. Just one more project she needed to complete. She was planning to go in today and work until she got it done. Then the semester would be over, and she could move on from there.
No one was up when she went out to get coffee, and with an unusual burst of energy, she took her coffee into her room and started to shower and dress right away.
She was going to get this damned project done as soon as possible. She didn’t want it hanging on her any longer. No sense to sit around and kill time until later in the day. She could go into campus right now.
She left the apartment before anyone else got up, so she left a note that said she was going in early today so they wouldn’t worry about her absence.
She worked from seven in the morning until eleven at night, and then she was able to submit the project. Two days before the due date.
Exhausted and pleased with herself, she came home to find that everyone else was already in their rooms.
It was strange. To not see any of her roommates all day long.
To not see Steve.
He probably thought she was trying to avoid him.
She wasn’t. Not really. But she also didn’t think it was the worst thing in the world for them to have a little break from each other.
She went to bed, satisfied with what she’d accomplished today.
Tomorrow would be the real fresh start for her—with nothing lingering or waiting on the edges.
Nothing at all.
THE NEXT MORNING, MICHELLE didn’t have anything on her schedule, but she woke up at her normal time just the same. She went out to get coffee in her pajamas as usual and started working on her laptop at the island. The room was empty and quiet. Not even Steve was up yet.
She checked the email that had come in yesterday when she was too busy to answer it, and she was sending her last reply when Jill came in wearing fuzzy pink pajamas.
Michelle smiled at her friend. “You’re up early.”
Jill went for the coffee first but then came to sit beside her. “Yeah. I couldn’t sleep. Too excited.”
“Really? About what?”
Jill’s pretty face twisted slightly. “Well, to tell you the truth, this happened over the weekend.” She held up her right hand and showed Michelle a pretty diamond ring.
“Oh my God! Jill! You’re engaged?” Michelle put down her coffee at this news and clasped her hands together.
Jill nodded, her expression one that was unmistakable joy that insisted on spilling out, no matter how much one tried to contain it. “Lucas asked me at dinner on Sunday.”
“Oh my God! I’m so happy for you.” Michelle leaned over to give the other woman a hug. “Why didn’t you tell me when you all got back on Sunday? Or texted me yesterday. I’m sorry I was gone all day. I would have come back for this though.”
“I knew you were busy.”
“But it’s been two days now. You’ve been engaged, and I didn’t even know.”
“I know. Maybe I should have told you. I wanted to, but I couldn’t get a good chance to talk to you alone. Steve was around on Sunday night, and I didn’t...”
“You didn’t think I wouldn’t be happy about it, would you? Of course I am! You and Lucas deserve it after everything you went through. I’m so happy. I know it’s what you’ve always wanted. Having your forever man... forever.”
Jill nodded again, like she was too emotional to speak immediately. “I knew you’d be happy. It just... I don’t know. It felt like something was going on between you and Steve, and so I couldn’t seem to find the right moment. And then yesterday just felt strange. I don’t know why. Like... like something was happening with you.”
Something had been happening, and she wasn’t surprised her friend had sensed it.
Michelle reached out to hug Jill again. “When are you going to get married?”
“Not for a while. Several months. We’re thinking maybe November. We’ve got a lot to do before then.”
“Of course you do.” Michelle had raised her mug to take another sip of coffee, but she lowered it again as she realized something else. “You guys are going to want to move out and get your own place. Aren’t you?”
Jill’s expression sobered. “Y-yeah.”
“Well, if that’s what you were worried about, you don’t have to be. Obviously you all need your own place. I knew you would eventually even if you hadn’t gotten engaged. I’ll be okay. When you guys move out, I can just get a smaller place I can afford.” She felt a pang of regret that wasn’t trivial at the thought of leaving this apartment, living on her own. She loved this place.
“I talked to Chloe yesterday,” Jill said. “She got that job on campus she applied for, and she starts in two weeks, so she’ll be able to move back in here next month.”
“Oh, that would be great, but I’m not sure just she and I can afford the rent here.”
Jill’s mouth twisted. “I know. I... I also talked to Steve. I don’t know how you’d feel about it, but he said he’d be happy to keep living here.”
Michelle’s stomach did a weird somersault. “He said that?”
“He wasn’t sure you’d want him to, but if you’re okay with it, then he could stay too. Then you all could keep this place. I’d hate for you all to have to leave it just because Lucas and I need to move out. It feels... I don’t know. It feels like this place is special.”
“It is.” Michelle exhaled deeply. “I don’t know.”
“What’s been going on with Steve, Michelle?” Jill reached out to put a hand on Michelle’s forearm.
“It doesn’t matter. We can talk about it later. I don’t want anything to get in the way of your big news.”
Jill looked outraged. “Don’t you even think about treating me differently just because I’m engaged. You’re going through something, and you’re important to me, so I need to know what it is.” When Michelle did
n’t immediately answer, Jill continued, “I mean it. Tell me right now. I’m your friend, and I’m not going to let you go through something this big on your own.”
Michelle’s eyes burned, and her throat ached. She breathed a couple of times before she was able to say, “Steve and I had a... a slip-up. On Saturday night.”
It took a minute for the words to process. “Oh. Oh my! So you two...”
“Yeah. We had sex. But then everything seemed to come to a head. And I think I finally realized what’s been wrong all this time, what I really want. So I was finally able to explain it to Steve in a way he understood too. So now we’re done.” Her voice broke on the last two words. “Done for good.”
“Oh, Michelle.” Jill reached out to hug her this time, holding her for a long moment as Michelle controlled her emotions. When they pulled apart, Jill said, “I’m not sure if I should be happy or sad for you.”
“You can be both. I am. I do think this is right. It’s just... hard. Because I love him.”
“I know you do. No wonder he seemed so... empty yesterday.”
“Was he really bad?”
“He was okay. It just felt like he was different, like he’d lost something. I guess he has.”
“I feel terrible, but there wasn’t anything else I could do. No matter what he says, I’m never going to be able to give him what he really wants.”
“So you said you figured out what you really want? What is it? Can you tell me?”
Michelle’s coffee was gone, and she felt like she needed something to do with her hands, so she got up to brew herself another cup. “I want to be the person I really want to be instead of the person who is what everyone else wants me to be. So that means I need to make some changes.”
“Not just Steve then.” Jill’s eyes widened. “Are you going to quit your program?”
“Yes. I finished my last project for the semester yesterday, so I’ve finished all my coursework this year. I’m going to talk to a couple of people on campus today. I’m going to request a break from the program for a year so I can try something else. That way, I can go back and finish it if I change my mind and decide that’s what I want after all.”
