“For the moment,” Jayce teased. To me, he asked, “Want to walk the boardwalk or the beach?”
“Boardwalk.” I had no desire to be near the water.
“So, where do you want to begin?” he asked. “You’re freaked out and talking with someone will help.”
What was I going to tell him? That I was stuck in a summer do-over? That I just had a dream where I died? Literally died? But I had to tell someone. And Jayce was the only person I knew who wouldn’t call a mental hospital. “You’ll think I’m crazy.”
“So? I’ll still be your friend. Crazy or not. Nothing could change that.”
Jayce was right. I wanted to tell him. And he would be the safest person to tell. “It’ll sound delusional.”
“All right.” He sat on the top of a picnic table next to the boardwalk’s path and patted the spot beside him. “Sit. I’m all ears.”
I joined him on the tabletop. “You know how when you’re a kid and you’re playing a game and you get out, you’ll say something like ‘I want a do-over’?”
“Didn’t we talk about this a couple of hours ago? You’re the one who reset the game. Not me.”
“Well, I got an actual do-over. Of this summer. This exact summer.”
Jayce’s forehead creased. “I’m confused.”
Here goes, I thought. “I have already lived this summer. The same days, months, year. It is the same.”
“That’s not possible.”
“I know. These last couple of days, I thought maybe it was a dream. Or nightmare. But I don’t think so. And then after what happened, I’m positive it’s not.”
“Let’s back up because I’m still not getting it. How do you think you’re reliving this summer?”
“The day after our graduation, my family came here. June thirteenth. That was the first time we ever stepped foot on the yacht club property. In the first summer, I stayed in the cabin pretty much all three months. You tried to get me out like to go see the fireworks or to go to the movies, but I was a hardcore shut-in and big jerk. On the last day of the season, I showed up at the ice cream shack looking for Bobby. You and I were talking, and then Heather showed up. She asked you to go to the end-of-summer yacht party, and for some crazy, stupid reason, you twisted my arm into going.”
“So, Heather liked me?”
“Yes,” I said annoyed. “Focus. Anyway, we walked the docks together. And you left me to be with Heather. Then Lucas Fairchild talked to me at the food table. Then the yacht went out into open water, which you know freaks me out. Then I find out my mother and Mr. Fairchild were together or something—”
“Whoa! What?”
“It’s true. Heather knew about it, which explains why she hated my guts all summer long, and then she showed me. I saw them in the hallway of the yacht.”
Jayce started making hand motions of his mind being blown.
“Let me finish,” I said. Now that I finally had someone to talk to, the floodgates had been opened. “I ran away from them, and somehow managed to get on the top deck. I remember being freaked out. But I didn’t want to face anyone, so I stayed on the top deck. I tripped and everything in my purse scattered across the deck. Including my sonnet book.”
“I’m not connecting what that has to do with repeating summer.”
“Because the book fell overboard and got stuck on a ledge. So I had to climb over the railing to reach it.”
“You climbed over the railing?”
“It’s my dad’s sonnet book. It means everything to me.”
“Did you retrieve it?”
“Yes, but that’s when I slipped, lost my balance, and fell in the lake.” I left out the part where Jayce had leaned over the railing calling my name. He already looked at me as if horns sprouted out of my head.
“You fell into Lake Michigan? From the top deck of the Fairchild yacht?”
“Yes.”
“That fall would have killed you or at least seriously injured you.”
“I don’t know what happened once I hit the water. I fell and then…this. When I woke up, it was June again. And here I am.”
Jayce didn’t say anything at first. After a moment, he said, “You’re right. That sounds crazy.”
My heart deflated. “I know.” I slid off the picnic table. I hadn’t even got to the dying-in-my-dreams part.
“Wait.” Jayce grabbed my elbow. “Don’t leave.”
“Do you realize how hard it is to say this out loud?” I asked in frustration. “I know how it sounds. And if word got out everyone would think I’m nuts. But it’s true. Everything I told you is the truth, and so is the fact that when I sleep, I dream that I’m still in the water. And it’s real. And last night, I ran out of oxygen and could feel my chest explode. Then it all went black.”
“Wow.” Jayce leaned back, his eyes wide and his mouth slightly open. “That sounds like a horrible nightmare.”
“What’s scary is that it didn’t feel like a nightmare. It was real. I could feel the water around me. My legs were stuck. I was disoriented. I can still feel the panic of trying to escape to the surface to take a breath.” I sat back beside him. “Please tell me that you don’t think I’m delusional.”
“Your legs were stuck? How did they get stuck from falling off a yacht?”
“I don’t know.”
“I’m not going to lie. It does seem far-fetched. It defies logic. But,” he stopped, and his forehead creased again. “No, I don’t think you’re delusional. And even if this is a big Brooke hallucination, in your mind, it’s real, and that’s all that matters.”
“But it still sounds and feels crazy.”
“Yeah, but you wouldn’t have confided in me if you thought there was any chance that what’s going on is just your imagination. This shakes up everything I thought I knew. I mean, I was raised Catholic, and I’ve always believed, but now it’s like…real. I feel validated.”
“What do you mean?”
“If what you say is legit, then something else exists other than the here and now. And you’re experiencing it.”
“Unless I’m dead. In my dream, the water killed me. I’m starting to think I’m in some sort of purgatory.”
“You believe in purgatory? I thought you were Baptist.”
“I do now. Sort of. I don’t know. None of my Sunday School teachers taught any of this in class.”
“Okay, but we both believe that life exists outside our bodies. Heaven. Hell. Right? So, maybe this is some type of limbo. Or, you really hit your head in the water and now your mind is reliving this. Maybe you’ll wake up, and it’ll all be over.”
“Are you not hearing the part where I’m in the water and I drown?”
“If what you say is true, then you now have two traumatic experiences in the water. That’s probably a lot to do with it.”
I considered his statement. Two traumatic experiences with water. It made sense that I would have nightmares about it. “Maybe. But it freaked me out. This whole thing freaks me out.”
“Don’t hate me for saying this, but maybe a therapist could help you work through this.” Before I could say no, he stopped me. “Brooke, think about it. You have gone through a lot these last couple of months. There’s nothing wrong with going to a professional and talking about it. My whole family went to our priest for counseling after James died. My mom still goes. Not as often, but she does.”
“A therapist is only going to tell me what I already know. That I’m grieving. And I don’t want to hash it all out. Because then the questions come. And I hate questions. Especially because I don’t remember what happened!”
“But talking about all of this—like why your mind is playing tricks on you—would be good.”
“My mind isn’t playing tricks. What’s happening is real.” That’s when I noticed the disbelief in his eyes. “You don’t believe me.”
“I believe you’ve been traumatized. So, yeah, I believe that you’re experiencing things that go back to your trauma.”
/> “You just said that you felt validated! And that you’re a believer!”
“Yes, I do feel validated if this is true, but there is also the logical, how-is-this-possible side of me too.”
“Do you think everything I’ve told you is all in my head?” When he didn’t answer right away, I got up. “So, you do think I’m crazy?”
“Brooke, don’t put words in my mouth.” Jayce touched my arm. “I’m on your side. I’m only suggesting seeing what a professional would say.”
“Yeah, okay, sorry I bothered you.”
“Brooke, stop. Don’t act this way.”
“I need to go.”
“Listen, I’ll go to a therapist with you. No one will have to know.”
“I don’t want to go to a therapist! I want my best friend to believe me! And if I go to a professional, they could put me in the hospital for observation or give me drugs to make my mind actually go loopy.”
“My mom still takes antidepressants. She thinks they help.”
“I don’t want antidepressants! I want my dad! Drugs won’t bring him back. And I don’t want to numb the pain because the pain is what’s reminding me that I’m still alive!” I stopped to blink back tears.
“See?” Jayce said. “You just said it. The pain reminds you that you’re still alive. So, you can’t be dead or in purgatory or whatever your brain concocted.”
“My brain concocted…?” I stepped back.
“That’s not what I meant. But Brooke, if this is some sort of do-over, why am I here? In the flesh? Fully alive? It doesn’t make sense. And you know it.”
“That doesn’t make it any less true. Please don’t follow me,” I said before walking away.
I felt worse than when I went to him. Of course, it sounded crazy. What did I expect?
Suddenly, Jayce was in front of me. “Don’t run away from this. From me.” He grabbed hold of my hands. “I don’t think you’re crazy. I don’t know what’s going on, but you wouldn’t have come to me if what’s happening wasn’t real. So, whatever you need me to do to help you figure this out, I’ll do it.”
I wanted to believe him, but I knew that everything happening to me sounded crazy. Jayce was willing to look past the craziness of my words, but he had said enough for me to doubt him. I felt very alone. “Forget I said anything.”
“No, I’m not going to forget. Stop trying to push me away.”
“It’s too early. Go back to bed. We can talk later.” I tried to walk around him.
“Come on, I’ll take you back to the cabin. Then you can make me some scrambled eggs and bacon. As payment for waking me up so early.” When I didn’t respond, he added, “I’m kidding. I can make the eggs and bacon.”
Even though I felt disappointed and scared, I decided that I still needed Jayce as my friend. “I do need to get back. I don’t want my mom to worry.”
“She never worries when you’re with me,” he said.
At least that was the truth.
***
Bobby sat at the small kitchen table, slurping down cereal. Right away, I noticed my opened laptop on the table beside him.
“You’re in trouble.”
“What are you doing with my laptop?”
“I didn’t touch it. Mom did.”
Mom stepped into the kitchen. “There you are. Now, do you want to explain this?” She indicated the laptop.
“Explain what?”
“I needed to borrow your laptop because mine died.” Mom gave a small smile. “Did you write those pages?”
I had forgotten what I’d written last night. “I was only seeing where I would take the story. Jayce told me to do it.”
“You wrote?” Jayce asked in apparent disbelief. “Can I read it?”
“You told me to write the start of the story down, and you’d give me the brutally honest opinion.”
Jayce sat down in front of my computer and started reading.
Mom closed the distance between us. “It’s good,” she said. “You’ve got your father’s gift for words.”
“It’s not even two full chapters.”
“All I’m saying is that I’m impressed. And I think you should keep going.”
“Thanks, but not now. I only did it because Jayce pushed me to do it.” I excused myself. “I’m going to make some eggs and bacon.”
Jayce came and stood beside me. “You are a good writer.”
Even with everything going on, I still smiled at the compliment. “You said you’d be brutally honest.”
“I honestly think you should keep going. Does Esmerelda waking up and finding out she’s gone back in time have anything to do with what you told me about?”
I shrugged. “Maybe. I sat down and started writing. The words fell onto the page. It was cool. But taking what I’m experiencing and putting it in her world might be a good way for me to figure things out. Especially since it’s so unbelievable.”
“I’m trying to understand what you’re going through,” Jayce said. “We’ll figure this out together. No matter what.”
“Are you making all of us eggs and bacon?” Bobby asked.
“Sure. Why not?”
“What can I do to help?” Jayce handed me a bowl and whisk. “I can get the eggs ready.”
“Go. I’ve got this.”
Jayce went outside to hang out with Mom and Bobby, which gave me time to think. The vivid nightmare replayed itself. I closed my eyes briefly, and instead of trying to think of something else, I focused on the details of the nightmare. I had been hanging upside down in the water. My legs stuck. It couldn’t be the events after me falling from the yacht. Unless my legs somehow got twisted up in something once I hit the water.
Jayce’s words suddenly struck a chord. If what you say is true, then you now have two traumatic experiences in the water. That’s probably a lot to do with it.
I gasped as an idea formed in my mind. I ran to the screen door and waved at Jayce, hoping to get his attention.
Jayce excused himself and came to the door. “What’s up?”
“I’ve suffered two traumatic experiences in the water, just like you said.”
“O-kay,” he said slowly.
“I think my nightmare was a memory.” I waited for Jayce to put the pieces together.
“Which one?”
“In the nightmare, I’m in the water upside down. My legs are stuck. Like they would be in a kayak.”
“Do you know what this means?”
I no longer felt enthusiastic. The enormity of what I discovered made me think about Dad. “I might be getting my memories back.”
11
“You’ve finished nearly two weeks and survived,” Mom said from inside the doorway.
All I could do was grunt.
Bobby came in and sat on the edge of my bed. “I saw you up there and waved, but you didn’t see me.”
“Sorry,” I mumbled, inhaling the floral scent of the fabric softener that still lingered on the blanket. Not that I was quite ready for sleep. The nightmares had yet to relent. And always the same thing. It was disconcerting how vivid the memory had come back only to have it replay like a skipping record. For the past eleven nights, the same scene played out in my dream. I tried to search for any clue—for another piece in the memory puzzle—but it hadn’t been revealed yet. Just me, upside down in the water, stuck and drowning.
And no big cosmic answer had revealed itself about why I was redoing summer. A part of me knew there was something more. Something I had yet to discover. But the thought scared me.
If there were deep, dark secrets to this peculiarity, then I’d rather not know. Thank you very much.
“Maybe we’ll go there for dinner tomorrow night,” Mom said to Bobby.
“I’m going to be one of those really obnoxious customers.”
“Not if you don’t want me to accidentally spill a plate of food on you,” I joked. I turned over to face them. My body hurt, and I knew the nightmare would come back as soon as I fell asle
ep, but inside I felt good. For starters, I didn’t feel as depressed as I had been in the previous summer. Hanging out with Jayce helped. So did working. Miguel had me waitressing from 4 p.m. to 11 p.m. nearly every night. And each night was so insanely busy I had no time to think about anything other than taking orders, serving food, inputting the bill, collecting the cash or credit card, and helping bus the tables.
And I’d be blind not to notice the change in Mom and Bobby. Mom hadn’t mentioned a therapist these past two weeks. Which was an absolute miracle. And Bobby spent a lot more time with us than in the previous summer. He had Zach and a few other friends spent the night twice already. That had never happened last time.
All of these events opened my eyes to how my misery had negatively impacted my family. It saddened me, yet it also built my resolve. This summer re-do would be different. If I had to relive it, then I would fix things. For all of us. I only hoped that it would carry over from the do-over into real life.
In my prayer life, which I had begun since this do-over began, I pleaded with God to heal my family, and for me not to be dead, of course. I wasn’t sure if prayers were allowed in limbo or purgatory or whatever this do-over was, but I reasoned that everything could count toward the test, and if this was a test, I was determined to pass.
“Let’s leave her be.” Mom’s comment brought me out of my thoughts. “She looks like she’s about to fall asleep, and she probably wants to shower and get ready for bed.”
“Mom’s hinting that you smell,” Bobby teased.
I stuck out my tongue at him.
“Oh, see about getting next Friday off,” Mom said. “I ran into George Fairchild, and he invited us to their party. He wants you and his daughter, Heather, to spend some time together. To get to know one another.”
“What time? I’m barely here as it is. Besides,” I said, sitting up. “How’d you run into him?”
“He’s stopped over a few times. I’ve had dinner with him and Diane twice now.” Mom shook her head. “You need to get that crazy idea out of your brain. George and Diane and I are all good friends. That’s it.”
Falling Too Deep Page 9
