Jayce stepped into the walk-in fridge and picked one up. “These are small ones. I’ll take one, you take the other.”
“I’m getting a dolly.” I left him to retrieve one. When I came back, he had both sitting on the kitchen counter.
I tried to lift one to set on the dolly.
“Here, let me.”
“I’m perfectly capable of doing it.”
I set one on the dolly, and Jayce set the other one on top of it.
“Are you going to tell me what the problem is?” he asked, tying the barrels to the dolly with a bungee cord.
“No,” I said, not even denying it.
“So, you admit there is a problem?” he asked. “How can I fix it if I don’t know what it is?”
“Don’t worry about it.”
“Brooke.” He reached for my hand. “Talk to me. Did I do something? I’m sorry if I did. Is it because I didn’t pick up the phone the other day?”
His hand felt so strong and warm in mine, and his eyes looked at me with such sincerity and care that I looked down, feeling guilty and embarrassed and even more frustrated. I pulled my hand away. “I’ve got to take this to Miguel.”
Before he could respond, the kitchen door opened, and Maddie stepped through. “There you are,” she said, but not to me. She came over to Jayce and embraced him, kissing him right in front of me. “And you,” she said, turning to me. “What’s been going on? We’ve been trying to call you.”
“You just saw me last night at work.”
“I know. But you were so busy, then you took off the minute the restaurant closed.”
“I wasn’t feeling good,” I said, leaving out the part that I completely and intentionally avoided Maddie. I couldn’t handle any more gushing about Jayce and how wonderful and sweet and kind he was. I already knew that. And I couldn’t stomach hearing it from her.
“Well, I’ve got a plan that will put all of us in better moods,” she said, as bubbly as ever. “I ran into Lucas last night, and he said that you two went on a date.”
“You did?” Jayce asked me.
“Why do you find that so hard to believe?” I asked. To Maddie, I said, “You’re not upset, right? I mean, I thought with you dating Jayce now—”
“I’m completely okay with it,” she said. “You’re my friend. If you are the one to sink hooks into Lucas, then I say, ‘Well done’.”
“It’s not like that. It was just a date.”
“Right,” she said, still smiling. “But he also told me you two are going out on Monday. What about if we double-date?”
“I’ll talk to him and see. I don’t know what he has planned.”
“No worries. He said that maybe we could all meet up after dinner. You know, for putt-putt or something.”
This was turning into a nightmare. I didn’t say anything more. I started pulling the dolly with the balanced barrels toward the doors. Once outside, I paused to close my eyes and breathe. But I immediately felt the pressure from the water nightmares, so I opened my eyes. “It’s okay,” I whispered to myself. “Just don’t close your eyes for too long.”
Someone tapped me on the shoulder. I knew it was Jayce before I turned around.
“It’s not hard to believe that he likes you,” he said. “I thought that you didn’t like him, that’s what I meant.”
I swallowed hard and nodded. All of this was so tiring. Avoiding my best friend yet longing for him in a way that shocked and confused me was wearing on me.
“Whatever I did—”
“You didn’t do anything,” I finally admitted without looking at him. “I’m just giving you some space. To be with Maddie.”
“You’ve never given me space before.”
“Sure I have,” I said. “Last summer, I ignored you for most of it.”
“No, last summer we hung out every day at the community pool.”
“Not last year’s summer. Last summer, you know, the previous one. Oh, never mind.”
“Wait, you still think you’re redoing summer?”
My mouth fell open. “I can’t believe you just said that. What do you think? That I made it up? Do you know how hard it was to tell you?”
“You haven’t said anything, so I thought that you figured it out.”
I shook my head. “Don’t worry about it. I forgot that you didn’t believe me. It’s all in my head, right? And tell Maddie I don’t want to go on a double date.”
And this time, he got the message and didn’t follow me.
***
The evening dragged. Even with the golf tournament in town, a lot of the restaurant regulars were at the Fairchild party.
But it was more than boredom. I felt more sluggish than normal, which was worrying, plus Maddie kept pestering me if I knew where Jayce was.
“He doesn’t answer his phone sometimes. He always forgets about it, then it runs out of battery,” I had told her at some point.
In truth, I didn’t know why he wasn’t answering Maddie, and it worried me. I had acted like a jerk, and I only hoped it had nothing to do with me.
At the end of the night, Jayce hadn’t shown up to take either one of us home. Maddie was near tears. “I must have done something to upset him,” she said, as we cleaned.
“It wasn’t you,” I told her. “If he’s upset at anyone, it’s me.”
“What did you do?”
“I yelled at him.” I stopped wiping the tables, feeling bad that Maddie was so hurt and worried. “As soon as I see him, I’ll apologize.”
“You better. Should I go to his dorm and see if he’s okay?”
Even though it hurt to say it, I still stated, “That’s a good idea. Go to his dorm and cheer him up.”
As I walked to the cabin…alone…I paused to stare at the water. It bothered me that I still harbored an unhealthy fear of it. If this was death, did I want to go into eternity afraid? I thought of what Lucas had said about Heather being a long-distance swimmer. If it was anyone other than Heather, I might take him up on the idea of swim lessons. Not that I couldn’t swim, but maybe if someone was in the water with me, I could face my fear.
Jayce would do it. That thought made me feel worse. Of course he would do it. He was my best friend. And it wasn’t his fault that I was going through crazy dimensions and do-overs and some confusing feelings that I wasn’t quite ready to grapple with.
When I made it to the cabin, I sat on the steps and took in the view. I wasn’t ready for sleep and whatever came with it. Instead, I tilted my head back and gazed at the stars. The memory of camping with Dad came back full force. Every camping trip, we’d sleep out by the fire, cozied up together. This last time, Mom had stayed in the tent because the nights had been too chilly, but Dad, Bobby, and I braved sleeping outside. “Just to stare at the stars,” I whispered, thinking of his words. We’d lie around the fire, tucked inside our sleeping bags, and come up with stories for constellations. Dad would start the tales, only to have me and Bobby finish it.
“What’s it called, Dad?” Bobby had asked, pointing up to one of the stars we had chosen.
“The Great Big Ball of Gas,” Dad answered.
“That’s original,” I chimed in.
“He was always picked on because his gas was never as explosive as all the other stars.”
Bobby started chortling. I rolled my eyes, but I also smiled.
That had been the last night of Dad’s life. I hadn’t looked at the stars since. Until now.
My eyesight blurred as tears gathered. “Dad,” I said to the stars.
I heard feet shuffling toward me and saw Jayce approaching. “Maddie’s looking for you, so you should go,” I said while wiping at my eyes.
“Listen to me, Brooke. I know you’re going to say you don’t want me here. But that’s too bad. I’m your friend, and you are hurt, both on the inside and the outside. You have to stop shoving people away. So, you can let me in, or I can stand here and be obnoxious. Your call.”
I nodded in response, no
t putting up any fight.
He sat beside me and drew me to him. I didn’t resist. I wrapped my arms around him and allowed the tears to flow. I cried not just because I missed my dad but because I was starting to realize how much I would miss everyone whenever this ended and eternity began. I cried because I knew my dreams were clues to my death. I cried because it was too late to tell Jayce how I felt. So, I let him hold me for a while longer.
Eventually, I released him and sat back. Jayce still kept his one arm around me.
“I suppose I should say I’m sorry for acting like such a jerk.”
“Only if you mean it,” he teased.
“I’ve got a lot going on,” I said. “I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.”
“And I should believe you, and be here for you. No matter what.”
“Well, thank you, but you should give Maddie a call. She’s been worried.”
“I did. I called her on the way over here.”
“Why didn’t you answer? She had to have called you a half dozen times.”
“I had the night off, so I went for a long walk. I left my phone because I had a lot of thinking to do, and I didn’t want interruptions. That’s why I’m here.”
Once again, I knew it would pain me, but I said it anyway, “You should go check on Maddie. I’ll be fine.”
“I already told her that I was camping out with you. She doesn’t know the details, and I let her think you were volatile still about your dad’s death.”
“Thanks,” I said sarcastically. “But I’m going to bed soon, so it’s all good.”
“I know. That’s why I’m here. You said that you’ve been having nightmares, so I’m going to stay tonight and be with you.”
I thought of how my nightmares have been becoming more and more real. “There’s no need…” then I stopped myself. If Jayce could see, then he’d know it wasn’t make-believe. “That’s a good idea. I’ve been waking up completely soaked.”
“Like sweat or…you’re not wetting the bed, are you? I mean, I can handle it, I only want to be prepared.”
I lightly punched his arm. “No! I’m not peeing the bed. I’m having dreams I’m in the water, and when I wake up, it’s like I’ve been in the water. I can’t make sense of it.”
Jayce watched me with his brows furrowed together. It was an expression I’ve seen him make at least a hundred times, but this time, my heart leaped and began beating wildly. I turned away quickly as if he’d know what had happened. “Then this will be our science experiment,” he said. “We’ll see what’s going on while you sleep. I’ll try and stay awake. I brought my tablet and my solitaire cards for entertainment. Plus I want to read more of the book you’re writing.”
“What do you mean?” I acted innocent.
Jayce gave me his look that clearly said to drop the act.
“Fine,” I admitted. “I didn’t tell you I had kept writing it.”
“I know. Which hurts, but I know that you wouldn’t have stopped writing the story. And I want to see how far you’ve come with it.”
“I’m over a hundred pages into it,” I said with pride. “But it’s a very rough draft.”
“Wow. All right. Let’s get to it.” He stood and offered me his hand. “Let the science experiment begin.”
17
It started with me freefalling off the yacht. I could even see Jayce leaning over the railing, yelling my name. But I didn’t blackout this time.
Maybe it was because I had become aware of it as an alternate reality. Or, it could be that I knew that I had to figure things out.
My arms flailed, looking for anything I could grab. I knew it was hopeless though, as my scream echoed in my ears. I should have taken one last breath before I made contact with the waves.
The water stabbed me like pointed shards of glass, making me gasp out in pain. Large bubbles holding my screams blossomed out of my mouth and rose towards the surface.
By the time my eyes focused in the water, I was sinking even deeper. As I started to swim, I saw a shadow moving toward me. Fear gripped me, and I momentarily questioned what to do. Face the person? Or swim futilely to the surface?
Right when I thought my lungs were about to explode, someone suddenly grabbed my waist and started pulling me up. She wasn’t looking at me, instead focusing on the surface of the water, but I recognized the profile.
Heather. Heather??
The water became distinctly lighter. As I came closer and closer to the surface, the sun shone through. When I turned to look at Heather still helping me reach the surface, I saw it wasn’t Heather but my dad. He looked like he was struggling.
Dad?!? I tried to scream. He was so real. Even with my lungs burning, I hugged his neck. Right as we nearly broke the surface, a massive log dislodged from the dam and flew at us. Dad shoved me toward the surface right as it made impact with him.
“Brooke!” I heard Jayce’s voice. But it seemed far away. “Brooke!”
I woke up drenched and gasping for breath. I fell off the bed coughing and wheezing. I had swallowed lake water. It tasted like fish.
“Are you okay?” I could hear the worry in his voice. “You weren’t breathing. I had to shake you awake.”
I ran to the bathroom as my guts began to heave. Several minutes later, I slid to the floor beside the toilet, breathing heavily and shivering at the same time.
Not a good start to the morning.
And I was soaked, too, which meant so was the bed. Lovely.
I crawled over to the shower, turned it on hot, and got in, pajamas and all. I sat on the floor of the bathtub while the water slowly warmed my core. I drew my knees in and rocked back and forth, not stopping the tears. “Make it stop,” I kept whispering. “Please, make it stop.”
Living in two different worlds was too much. And if I wasn’t living, then all of this seemed pointless. Suddenly I became angry. Angry that I had been given such a crappy hand in life. First, my father, and now me? What about Mom and Bobby? What did all of this mean for them? I stood up in the shower and peeled off my pajamas, before scrubbing vigorously. Hadn’t we been good people? Mom and Dad took us to church. We gave to different charity groups. Shoot, we even recycled.
I thought about my predicament. In one world, I had fallen off a yacht and was fighting for my life. In another, I was reliving the traumatic events of my dad’s death. In this world, where I stood naked and showering, there didn’t seem to be a replay. At least not of the same day over and over.
I turned off the shower and dried off. I didn’t bring any clothes with me. Sighing, I wrapped a towel around myself. I brushed my teeth and grabbed my wet pajamas to throw in the washer. When I stepped out in the hall, Jayce had already stripped my bed. I placed the pajamas in the washer, embarrassed that he had to see what happened.
“You okay?” he asked, his voice a little shaky. “I don’t know what happened…or what’s going on…I’m a little freaked out.”
I shrugged, not looking at him.
“We’ll talk in a minute, but you should probably get dressed,” he said. “I heard your mom moving around in her room. I don’t want her to think anything about us.”
Just then, Mom’s door opened, and she stepped out. Her gaze immediately landed on me and Jayce. Her eyes widened.
“Jayce showed up to have some breakfast,” I said quickly.
“Good morning, Mrs. McFadden,” Jayce said. “I showed up unannounced. Sorry.”
“Why are you washing clothes at 7:30 in the morning? And why are you in nothing but a towel?” Mom’s voice raised with each word.
Jayce and I looked at each other as if waiting for the other to come up with an answer. I decided I needed to give her some portion of the truth. “I’ve been having terrible nightmares about Dad’s death. I didn’t want to worry you. Sometimes I wake up all sweaty, so I take a shower and wash my pajamas. That’s all.”
“And Jayce? He just happens to be here when you’re naked?”
“He stopped ove
r, and I let him in. That’s all.”
“Get some clothes on and meet me in the kitchen.” She glared at both of us. “Not you, Jayce. Only her.”
Jayce raised his hands as if innocent. “Of course.”
I went to my room and shut the door. I knew I was leaving Jayce with Mom, but she had a soft spot for him. He’d be fine.
I put on a long summer top and leggings and grabbed my journal. I needed to write everything down before I forgot.
Two dreams.
One is when I’ve fallen into Lake Michigan.
Water is darker. Colder. Deeper.
And then there’s Heather? What’s that about?
In the second scene, the water is warmer.
The sun is shining through it.
There’s debris. And Dad.
He gets hit with a log trying to save me.
I stopped writing and recounted the dream. It made sense. I got stuck in the kayak, but he found me and helped. And in the process, he died. “I should have never gotten in the kayak to begin with,” I said out loud. “You’d be alive if it wasn’t for me.”
Then I smelled the coffee. And I thought of my mom. I set the journal down and went to the kitchen. I saw Jayce had stepped outside and sat on the top step. Mom leaned against the sink, looking out the window. “Mom.”
When she turned to face me, I saw that she’d been crying. “Are you all right?”
“I’m missing your dad,” she said. “And worried about you.”
I went to her and wrapped my arms around her neck. She hugged me in return.
“Brooke, please hear me out,” she said, as she released me. “There are specialists out there who can help. I’ll even go with you.”
I sighed in surrender. “Fine. Call a minister though. I like them more than cold therapists. Plus, I might have questions about the afterlife.”
“I’m also making a doctor’s appointment. I want to get your night sweats checked out.”
“Mom, I’m fine.”
“It’s not up for discussion.”
“You realize I’m eighteen. I don’t have to go if I don’t want to.” One look from Mom, and I knew I would go. “Well, can I at least get a cup of coffee?”
Falling Too Deep Page 15
