by Ashlee Price
“I had dinner and drinks with clients for lunch, just like you taught me. Got to wine and dine them, don’t you?”
“Yes, son, but you don’t get shitfaced in the middle of the day. I’m sure I taught you that as well.”
“We can’t all be as perfect as you, I guess, Father.” My voice was full of sarcasm, and I was so close to quitting. What would I do if I didn’t have the job, if I didn’t have Jackson breathing over my neck all of the time?
“Son, you need to straighten your ass up right now. I’m not going to deal with this and neither is Caroline. Do you know that she’s talking about quitting?”
“Good. She’s your assistant, not mine.”
He sat down with a heavy sigh and looked at me with the closest thing to sadness that I’d ever seen on his face. “I don’t know what’s wrong with you, but you need to get it together, Scott. We have a lot of business to do, and there are a lot of people who would love to be in your shoes.”
I felt like taking off the shoes that everyone wanted and throwing them at him, but I just stared back balefully.
“What is wrong with you Scott? This can’t be about that girl again.”
“That girl? You met her. Her name was Jesse, so please don’t act like she’s just another girl. I think you know that isn’t true. I cared about her a lot.”
“She wasn’t good enough for you, for your station in life. You have to be careful who you put in your corner, Scott. A woman can make or break you.”
“As far as you’re concerned, they just break you, huh? Jesse was different. She made me want to be a better man.”
My father made a sound indicating that it was all hogwash coming out of my mouth. He had perfected his derision to such an extent that he didn’t have to say a word. His look and his dead eyes spoke clearly to me. I realized then that I was wasting my breath. I knew that whatever happened next, I wasn’t going to include him in anything. He had ruined my life and ruined my chances for happiness. How could I ever look at him the same way again?
Chapter 2 – Jesse
“You haven’t said a word all day.”
I shrugged and smiled back at Melissa. I didn’t want her to think something was wrong. She had been asking for weeks now, and although I tried to pretend that it was all okay, it was harder than I’d thought it would be. Everything in me wanted to make it all better, but I knew deep down that it would never be better. It would never be okay again. I felt like a teenager losing her first crush. That had happened before, several years ago when I was in college.
Now, as an adult, it was somehow worse, because instead of skipping a few classes to cry it out, I had responsibilities to take care of. So that meant that I had to pretend that I was okay, even when I was really dying inside. That was the hardest part of it all.
“I’m just thinking.”
“What are you thinking about?”
She wasn’t going to let it go. I was going to have to say something eventually. The only thing that saved me right then was the long line of people that never seemed to stop. There were a couple of people who looked familiar, but all the rest were strangers. I should have been happy to see all of the new customers, and I was in a way, but there was another part of me that missed all of the regulars that I knew by name. I missed the small-town feel of the place in the big city. Now it felt like everything else, slightly cold and detached.
“I don’t know. We’ll talk about it when we get this line down.”
Melissa pouted and finally asked the one question that I didn’t want to answer. “Is all of this brooding because of what’s-his-face?”
Of course she knew the name. I’d said it enough that it was most likely burned into her brain forever, but I was happy to not have to hear it out loud. There was no way that I could deny his absence, and I was sure that she already knew. Melissa had waited a long time for me to bring it up, but I never had. For a reason. There was something about saying it all out loud that was going to make it worse, somehow more real than it already was.
“Yes, it’s because of what’s-his-face. I’ll be fine, just not yet.”
“You need to get back out there, Jesse. Don’t wait another couple of years like you did after Jeff.”
I had to agree, but I didn’t think it was going to be anything like Jeff. With Scott I was in love. There was no way around it. I had been – or rather, still was – in love with him. I didn’t see it coming, though I’d known that there was no real future for us. But I loved him, and I wished I didn’t still. Loving Scott was nothing but heartache, and I really wanted to know why. Why had he just dumped me like that? Was it his father who’d suggested it, or was he embarrassed about me and where I came from?
The same questions played through my head, but there was no answer.
“I’m just taking a break. I wasn’t really looking when I found Scott. He just kind of showed up and kept showing up until I went out with him. It wasn’t like I went out looking for him.”
“It doesn’t matter, Jesse, he found you and messed with your head.”
That was the truth. I tried not to get angry about it, but it was hard not to. He never should have talked to me. I still didn’t know what had drawn him to me, but now that he was gone, I felt an emptiness that I hadn’t known existed. For nothing else but that, I was mad at him. I didn’t want to think about how empty my life was without him. Because then I would have to admit that I wasn’t complete before.
“Yeah, he definitely did that, but I’m no worse for wear, just going to be a bit more cautious from now on.”
“I just don’t want this to be the thing that makes you bitter.”
My head jerked to her and I met her gaze. If she were anyone else I would have been seriously offended. It was bad enough that I’d gotten dumped. I didn’t need her telling me I was going to turn into a bitter old bitch soon. She was right, but that didn’t mean that I wanted to hear it.
“I just can’t be as positive. I don’t know how you can just bounce back from a breakup so soon.”
Melissa was quiet for a time. Then she said something that I’d never thought I would hear her say. “Because I never really loved any of them. Not really, I don’t think.”
The confession was hard to believe. She was always bubbly and happy. She did have a lot of boyfriends, but I’d thought that she left them because she was bored. I always thought that her optimism would just push her along, but I never thought that it would be because she had never fallen. Was that why it was so hard for me to forget about Scott, because I’d cared so much?
It didn’t help me to feel any better, but it helped me to understand Melissa a little more. Had she really never loved any of them? She had dated a lot of men, but maybe love was just not part of it. Why had I fallen for a man like Scott, one that I knew I could never really have? I was sure that it had something to do with the fact that I didn’t really want a man to be with. I must have done it to sabotage myself, or something like that.
“Well, I think I loved him, but I know that it was never going to be any more than it was right now. I know that, but it still hurts. It hurts more than it did when I was in college. I just didn’t expect it to feel like this.”
She looked at me with sympathy, but I didn’t want her sympathy. What I wanted was for her to understand and to just leave me be.
“We should go out tonight, just us girls. It’s been too long, and the shop is closed tomorrow. Come on, Jesse, what do you say?”
My first instinct was to say no, but maybe I did need to get out. The whole silent brooding thing obviously wasn’t that much of a help to me, so I had to do something. I had to get my mind off of him, no matter what. If the dancing and atmosphere didn’t do it, I was sure that a stiff drink or three would.
“Don’t let me call him, Melissa. Okay? I don’t care how drunk I get, don’t give me your phone to call him. The last thing I need to do is call him and embarrass myself further with emotions.”
“Okay, Jesse, no drunk
dialing the ex, I promise.”
Chapter 3 – Scott
“Scott?”
“Jesse? Are you okay?”
She didn’t sound okay, even though she was telling me that she was fine. Her words were slurring, and I was sure that she was drunk. I didn’t care, though. It was good to hear her voice. I’d kept my distance and drank another shot when I wanted to call her. Instead I’d been waiting. I hadn’t really thought I would ever hear from her again, though, and now I could feel my heart clenching with the sound of her voice. God, I missed her more than I could have imagined a person could miss another person. I shouldn’t have loved her so much, missed her so much, but I did.
“Where are you, Scott? Have you already moved on without me?”
“I can’t move on, Jesse. I love you too much.”
“You love me?”
It was then, when I heard the slight bit of hope in her voice, that I knew I’d said too much. She didn’t need to know how much I was dying inside to be with her. I didn’t want her to know how ready I was to give it all up for just one more night with her.
“How could I not love you, Jesse?”
“I love you too, Scott. But you don’t want me anymore. Why don’t you want me?”
It was a simple question, and the simplest answer was that I did want her. I wanted her more than my next breath, but then I remembered that I’d told her that it was over. It was because of my father, and although I was sure that she wouldn’t take me back, her words of love gave me a tiny bit of hope as well.
“I do want you, Jesse. It just can’t be right now.”
“Your father doesn’t approve?”
How did she know? I sat up straighter in the barstool that I was now calling home.
“Or maybe it’s because you don’t want to face me after I got the paperwork today. I thought that you were going to help me, Scott, but you were just another snake in the grass.”
Her words had me sitting up a little straighter. She was using the same words that I always used for my father, but she was using them for me. What paperwork made her think that of me? When I asked her, she was quick to tell me, although the slurring made it hard to understand. I didn’t have to hear every word, though. I could get the gist of it quickly. I did know my father, after all.
“You have to know that I had nothing to do with it, Jesse. I would never do that to you. I know how much the bistro means to you and your father.”
“Well, my father is dead, and yours is going to take what I have left of him. I don’t even know why I’m calling, Scott. I just wanted you to know that I wish I never would have met you. Ever since I met you, there has been nothing but problems. You really have ruined my life. Even though it was already going downhill, you helped it get to the bottom.”
I couldn’t stand to hear her say such things. I’d never been happier than when we were together. I didn’t like the idea of her thinking of me in such a way, but maybe she was right. I hadn’t made anything better for her, although I’d tried to. My intentions were never to harm her in any way, but just being who I was seemed to be enough. Just being my father’s son was enough to change her life for the worse. But I hadn’t known that he was going to try and buy her out. I hadn’t known about the taxes that were owed, and I didn’t think that she had either.
“You have to believe that I didn’t mean to, Jesse.”
“I believed that there was a reason a guy like you was talking to a girl like me. It didn’t have anything to do with anything else but money, though, did it?”
“What we had, money was no part of.”
“Well, that’s how you got your first date, so I’m not sure that I would agree with it. But what I can’t get is why. Don’t you have enough money? Why would you want my shop? It isn’t that big.”
“I don’t want it. I’ll make this right, Jesse, I promise you.”
She didn’t believe me, that was clear by the sound she made. The last thing that she was going to believe was that anything good was going to come from me. From then it wasn’t long before she was off the phone and I was left feeling far worse than I had before. I couldn’t sit there anymore, so I got up. My driver got up with me, but I waved him off. “I got this, Ernest. Don’t worry about me.” Handing him some money for a cab, I walked out by myself, trying my best to stay in a straight line.
Sitting behind the wheel, I knew I was too drunk to drive. It wasn’t going to be safe, but as I started the engine and put it into first, another idea came to my mind. All of this was for nothing. Every day that I spent working for my father was another day that I was wasting my life. This wasn’t the life I wanted, and now I had no choice. The one woman that I wanted was never going to want me again. It was all for nothing.
The more I thought about how helpless it all was, the more I knew that there was only one thing to do. As my foot went down harder on the gas, my mind was subconsciously looking for a place that was wide open. I needed to go fast, hoping that the speed would stop the winding of my brain. When I got to the outskirts of the city, I was going way over the speed limit, but it didn’t seem fast enough.
Pushing the pedal down harder, I started to feel better when everything around me became a blur. What if I just went off the road right now? I could end it all. I wouldn’t have to worry about Caroline, or my father, or the fact that I was going to have to go the rest of my life without Jesse. None of it made any sense, not really, but what did make sense was just being done with it all.
The faster I drove, the more it all seemed so much easier to give up than to keep on going. I wanted to give up, and I damn near did.
But I wasn’t going to. I hadn’t given up on anything in my life. While it seemed like it was never going to get better, I knew that I was going to have to fix it. I was a fixer, and I needed to fix what was going on with me and Jesse.
I took my foot off the pedal and I could feel the car start to slow down. I was still going well over ninety when I went over the hill and saw the headlights. I was going too fast to get on my side of the road, and when I made a turn towards the shoulder, I lost control. The last thing, the last thought that went through my mind, was the idea that I was never going to be able to make it right. While I’d thought about ending it all, as blackness moved into my vision, I knew that more than anything I wanted just a little more time. A little more time with Jesse.
Chapter 4 – Jesse
The next morning I woke up with a headache that just wouldn’t quit. I couldn’t even open my eyes because the small amount of light that was filtering in through my eyelids was enough to make me cringe and pull the blankets over my face. Why did I keep on drinking? I should know better by now, but as I tried again to open my eyes, I knew I’d failed miserably. I was obviously an idiot.
Calling out to Melissa, I winced again when I felt like my own voice was going to make my head explode. Where was Melissa? She was supposed to stay over, but I didn’t see her anywhere. After a minute I tried to sit up. I regretted it almost immediately.
I didn’t remember much about the last night. There was a bar and dancing, which I kind of remembered, and then a cab ride home. That meant that my car was still at the bar, but I was thankful that I hadn’t tried to drive. I didn’t remember if I was the only one who’d been three sheets to the wind, but I didn’t think that I was.
“Melissa!”
Again there was no answer, but she slept like a rock. There was a chance that she legitimately hadn’t heard me. So I got up and padded down the hallway to the living room to see if she was there. I was a little relieved to see that Melissa was passed out on the couch. I didn’t like the idea of her being out if she was as drunk as I was the night before. I almost woke her up, but she looked like she needed some sleep. I felt like I needed some sleep as well. There was no need to get out of the bed. The shop was closed, soon for good.
The realization had me going faster back to my own bed. I’d forgotten about the letter I’d received before close of business th
e day before. I hadn’t known that there were taxes due, and now it didn’t matter. His father had paid them and done something to take over. The letter was to tell me that he was now the owner of the shop and that I had only a short time before I’d have to vacate the premises. I couldn’t even think about it. I lay back down with my head already starting to hurt again. Why did things like this always seem to happen to me?
I was in the middle of wallowing in self-pity when I noticed that my phone was in the bed with me. I didn’t remember using it, and I was about to go back to sleep when a bit of a memory came into my mind. I could remember talking to Scott.
Opening my eyes, I was praying silently that what I thought had happened, hadn’t actually happened. The last thing that I wanted to do was believe that I’d called Scott. I’d been drunk and there was no telling what I’d said to him. I was afraid that I’d called him to tell him how much I loved him.
Sitting up, I ignored the pounding in my head long enough to check my phone. I pushed the send button and was distressed to see that Scott was the last number that I’d called. We’d talked for almost ten minutes. I didn’t know what I’d said to him, but I knew that it couldn’t be good.
Debating what to do, I got it in my head that I was going to call him and tell him that whatever I said, I didn’t mean it. I’d been drunk, so he couldn’t use any of that against me. But I knew I couldn’t. I was just going to have to stew and wonder what had happened, what I’d said.
When I finally got my eyes shut again, my mind was going a mile a minute and there was no way that I could sleep. Hearing Melissa start to stir in the other room, I got up myself and slowly got dressed. I wasn’t feeling as bad as before, but I was still moving slowly as I made my way to the front of the apartment.
“Good morning, sunshine.”
Melissa made a grunting sound. I could see that she was about as excited to get up as I was. She was hurting just as bad as I was this morning. I went to the kitchen to start the coffee pot going. It was something that was bound to help, and it looked like both of us needed some help.
