by Ashlee Price
When the first thing I seen was Joel though, I wished I had put something else on. I was still stinging from his rebuke the night before, but I was going to do my best to pretend like it never happened. It was a lapse in judgment, that is all it was. Or that is what I told myself anyways. It was more, but that is all it was going to be. He didn’t feel the same way that I did or if he did, something was holding him back.
I tried not to look him in the eyes when I passed, but he stopped me with a light grip on my arm. “We need to talk Shannon.”
“Let’s not, Joel. It was awkward enough last night. It never happened.”
His face changed like he didn’t like my answer. I was mortified to even be having the conversation. “That was not what I was talking about. I can’t pretend like that never happened, but good to know where you stand.”
I tried to say something, but it was impossible with the look that he gave me. I had already put my foot in my mouth, as well as running late and it wasn’t even noon.
“I was hoping to talk to you about training. My mother said something about Ray not letting you, but you were interested?”
The change of pace was mind blowing and I couldn’t keep up. “Oh well, you know how your dad is. He just thinks that males are the only ones that can. I can’t say that I agree with him of course, but I am happy to be here in whatever capacity that I am able to be.”
“So you don’t want to become a trainer?”
Was he serious? Of course I did. It was something that I had always wanted to do, but there was still so much to learn. “I do Joel. More than anything, but I will need some training first. I can still do my job now, but maybe you could let me work with one of the trainers too?” I was hopeful. Something I wasn’t often, but I really hoped that he would at least give me the chance.
“I was thinking more you stop doing your job that you do now and I will teach you everything I know. You will be on your own in a couple of months. I’ve seen the way you are around them, so I know it won’t take you long.”
“That would be perfect!” My face hurt from smiling too big and I hoped I didn’t look like an idiot.
“There is only one catch though.”
My heart sank. There was always a catch, a storm cloud in the sky. “Okay, what’s that?” I didn’t know what he was going to say and it seemed like he liked making me squirm, taking forever for him to answer me.
“You would have to move down to the bunkhouses on the new training grounds if you were to work with me. The more time spent around the horses we are training the better, so you would have to move a few miles away.”
My mind went to the set up and how there was only one bunkhouse over there. He must have known where my mind was going, because he was quick to add enough to dash my hopes of romance. “I know there is only one down there, but I am having another one built and there are two beds, private bathroom. It would be all business Shannon. I can promise you that.”
I sighed to myself. Of course it was only business with him. The one man that I was dying to touch me again, just wanted to keep it professional. It was the right thing to do, but it was also the last thing that I wanted to do. I wanted to push all of the propriety to the wind, toss out all of the reasons that we shouldn’t and just see what happened. But Joel was not that kind of guy, too uptight to just let things happen.
“Okay Joel. I have been dying to get a chance, so thank you.” I wanted to add that if he ever wanted to wake me up in the middle of the night with nothing on that would be okay too.
***
Joel had already hired someone to take over my job and he started the next day. It left me one last day of brushing the horses. I was going to miss them, not sure which ones would be going down to the new training grounds. I wasn’t sure about a lot of things, but I was sure that I was nervous to tell Amber. She was not going to be happy about it, I was sure of that much.
She wasn’t either. “What! What do you mean you are moving down there with my brother?”
“It’s not like that Amber, it’s just…”
“Not like what?”
I could see the vein popping out of her neck. Why was she so mad all of a sudden?
“He is going to teach me what he knows about horse training. Joel says after a couple of months, I will be on my own. Then I can move back up here. Please don’t be mad Amber. I haven’t even told dad yet and you are freaking me out.”
“I’m sorry, it’s just. Why?”
“You know I have always wanted to. Joel is going to let me. I have to. I will be back before summer is over and it’s not like we won’t see each other after work.”
She nodded, but was not satisfied with my suggestion. “You don’t know how he works. I will never see you.”
“Well you will have more time with Mack.”
Amber made a disgusted face. “We broke up. He was a jerk.”
I had only been telling her that for weeks now, but I digress. “So will you help me pack?”
“Sure, you know I will. But don’t let my brother run over the top of you. He has a tendency to do that sometimes.”
“I am sure it will be fine Amber. He seems nice enough.”
She was going to say something else, but she stopped herself. “Just take care of yourself Shannon. It is going to be weird without you here.”
Chapter 6: Joel
“I am glad you came home, son. It has been hard around here with you gone.”
I nodded my head and made a drink for the both of us. This was the time for guilt I assumed and he ran through the same rhetoric again. Sometimes I thought that he would never forgive me for leaving and sometimes I wish I hadn’t, but there was nothing that could be done about it now. “Well I am here now. I was hoping to get started tomorrow.”
“Good, good. I have a few plans I want to show you.”
I shook my head again. I didn’t want to hear them. “Let me just get the training side back up again. I saw the new land, new fields. It is going to be something over there. It is the most profit and it is what I want to do, what I am good at.”
He was dying to say something, his large eyes almost bulging like it was painful to hold it in. “Fine, I think that is a good idea.”
“I’ve also hired in a few people and I am swapping some more around, get people where they should be.”
I didn’t know why I said it, maybe to show that it was my show now. I had told him when he called that if he wanted me to come back, I was going to be the one running the ranch. Mom thought that she was getting a vacation and I wanted to make sure that she did.
“Good. Who are you moving?”
Knowing he couldn’t let it go, I told him my plans for Shannon. He instantly got animated and suspicious of my reasoning. That was the father that I knew, always looking down on my decisions. I knew that putting a girl in a training position would chap his ass, but it was more for Shannon than a slight towards my father. “Why would you do that?”
“Because she is great with horses. Thunder has never been more cooperative.”
“That is just one horse.”
“Father, why are you so against it?”
“I don’t want a woman to get hurt. They are more delicate and with some of these wild horses we get in here, I don’t want anything to happen. With a man, it is different.”
I couldn’t see how he thought that was true, but it was the first time he had given me a reason. I had honestly thought he was just being chauvinistic. “She will be fine.”
“Are you sure you don’t want her down there with you for another reason?”
I shook it off. “She is a kid dad.”
“I may be an old man son, but even I know that is not true.”
“I’ll admit she is a pretty girl, but I am not ready for any kind of relationship.”
We talked a little bit more and it was the first time that we had had such a long conversation without arguing. It was nice, but the time urged me on my time schedule. He took it better tha
n I had thought he would and I was starting to think that maybe it wasn’t the worst idea, coming home.
***
“Is that seriously all you brought?”
I looked down at the duffel bag and nodded. “Yeah. I am trying to figure out where you are going to put all of this. Just be thankful I didn’t bring ten pairs of shoes as well.”
“Do you even have that many?”
“No, but apparently you do. You do realize that we are going to be training these horses, right?”
She sighed and started putting up her clothes in the closet. I watched her for a time. She was still acting differently, almost cold whenever I said anything to her. I didn’t understand her mood, though I think that it had something to do with me telling her no the other night. She had to know why I did. It wasn’t because I didn’t want her, but because we couldn’t be together. I couldn’t be with anyone.
“Are you always this pleasant?”
She nodded. “Yes, this is what you have to look forward to. Haven’t you ever lived with a woman?”
“No I can’t say that I have. My last roommates were twenty four other guys.”
“Well, this will be a little different.”
“I can see that.”
“So are we working today or no?”
“No, I know that you did your work this morning. So you can just take the rest of the day to get settled. I have a few things to do and I will see you later.”
“Well can I help you with it? I hate to just be lying around all day.”
“Fine. I am just going to get the stables ready for some new arrivals in the morning. If you want to help, you are more than welcome to, but I am not a slave driver like my dad. You can have some time off if you want.”
There was only an afternoon left, but she didn’t seem worried about it. The truth was that every time I was around her, I wanted to do things that I wasn’t supposed to. Already rethinking my plan for us to work together, being in close quarters with Shannon was going to be harder than I thought.
That evening I couldn’t sleep with her so close. I was afraid the dreams would come back, but I had to sleep and eventually did. Instead of the dreams of war, it was the first time in a long time that I had dreams of her. When I woke up the next morning, she was already up, scantily clad making breakfast on the hot plate. I was hard and needy, but I tried to ignore my cravings and forget the dream that made me feel alive again.
“Morning, Joel. Did you sleep good?”
Chapter 7: Shannon
Living and working with Joel was both exasperating and enlightening. Not only was I learning a lot about training and horses, but I was learning a lot about him. Even though he didn’t share much, his quiet was not uncomfortable. Sometimes we would talk while we went to sleep and the more I learned about him, the more I found myself falling for him. I hadn’t seen Amber in almost a week, but I didn’t seem to mind too much.
Things got normal with us. We would wake up, go to work, come back to the small bunkhouse and alternate showers. Everything worked in a rhythm. I would make dinner while he took care of the horses for the night and then we ate together. It was the closest thing I had to a boyfriend in a while and it became so familiar.
He never kissed me again though, not once. Sometimes I would catch him looking at me when I wasn’t paying attention with such need, but as soon as he knew I saw him, he would turn away and I was left needing more than just his companionship. Joel was driving me crazy in a way. He made me want him more and more, but I knew that it was just as impossible then as it was now.
That evening I went to bed early. I had caught him staring and the look made my whole body shiver. I took a second shower, only to take care of the needs that I felt. It was almost as disappointing as nothing at all. The only saving grace was that Joel was asleep when I came back out. He was the one that stayed up much later than me, so not having to deal with that embarrassment was a life saver. I looked over at his sleeping form only a few feet away and sighed to myself. Why did I always want the things that I could never have?
***
I woke up to him next to my bed. His eyes were open, but he was not looking down at me. It was strange how he looked, and after a few moments, I got enough wherewithal to say something. “Joel? Are you okay?”
His eyes moved down to mine and he seemed to snap out of it somehow. The rage in his face started to ease to the man I was used to. “Shannon. I’m sorry. I was having a dream or something.”
It wasn’t the first time that I had heard him moaning at night. Joel seemed to have a lot of bad dreams. But it was the first time that he had gotten up. Whatever he was dreaming about, it couldn’t be good. The way he looked down at me in that moment, I couldn’t help but pull him down for a hug. He seemed to need one. “It’s okay Joel.”
He pulled away, but I didn’t release him as easily as I should have. I didn’t want to let go of him. It was what he needed, touch. I stood up and pressed him against me. It felt good and when he started to hug me back, it felt better. Like a great relief, I felt his body sag slightly against mine. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you up.”
Pulling back, my arms still around his neck, I looked into his eyes, darkened with the lack of light on. “It’s okay Joel. I am here if you want to talk about it.”
My lips were so close. Close enough that I could just lean in and take another kiss, but I didn’t want the same ending. If he turned me down again, I knew that I would be devastated. I couldn’t handle another rebuke from him, so I started to unwind myself from his neck.
Joel grabbed me around my waist and pulled me to his body. I couldn’t help the shiver I felt in my body as my breasts pressed against his hard chest. He groaned into my mouth as his tongue pressed through my lips. He tasted like I thought he would, manly. My senses were overwhelmed, his body pushing me down onto my bed. His own covered mine, his hips pushing against the thin shorts I was wearing.
My legs wrapped around his waist like my arms wrapped around his neck. I was clinging to him, never wanting the kiss to end. He pulled back and looked down at me. I was panting lightly, my eyes closed. When I opened them, he was in debate with himself. I knew it was about me, but it was the last thing I wanted to do was stop. “Please Joel. Don’t stop.”
My words seemed to bring him from his thought. As soon as our eyes met I knew that he would. Something was holding him back. I didn’t know what it was, but it was enough to keep me needy. I released him and watched him back away. He was going to say he was sorry again, but I refused to let him. “Just don’t. I get it, okay.”
***
I didn’t get it though and the next morning, I really didn’t get it. Instead of starting out talking about our day, he wanted to talk about hiring more people in to start on construction. “I think we need to get the other bunkhouse going, ASAP. There is no telling how long it will take, so we might as well start it soon.”
I was quiet for a time. I didn’t know why he was being so chatty. It was one of the times that I wish he didn’t have to talk so much. Why couldn’t he just shut up? Half the time I wanted him to talk and when he finally did, he didn’t have anything good to say.
“Joel, do you really think that you need another bunkhouse here with only 5 spots in the stable? You are going to have more people than horses. If the arrangement is not working for you, I can just ride up here in the mornings and move back down to the ranch.”
I got up not waiting for an answer. I too would like a spot to get the hell away from him from time to time, but I knew that I didn’t want to leave. It was the very last thing I wanted. Even though he drove me crazy on a daily basis, I wouldn’t have changed it. Now, I was starting to think that I was the one that had fallen too hard and too fast. Now he didn’t want to even be around me and I had to turn the water on to hide the sound welling up in the back of my throat. Why couldn’t he see what he was doing to me?
And if he could, was that why he wanted to put more space between us?
So that he could let me down easily?
I didn’t know the answer, but it helped me to calm down. I was not the type to feel this way and I tried to calm myself. I moved to the sink and turned on the water, splashing the cool liquid on my face. I rubbed my eyes and looked at myself in the mirror. I had to get it together.
Moving to open the medicine cabinet looking for some Tylenol, I noticed several prescription bottles that were not there before. I turned them around to read the labels and they were Joel’s. I didn’t recognize the name of the medicine, but I made a note to find out what they were for. It was nothing but secrets with the two of us.
“Shannon, are you okay?”
I shut the medicine cabinet as quietly as I could and walked out towards his voice. “Yeah I am fine. You are right, another bunkhouse would make things easier. I don’t mind moving back to the ranch. I think you are right, it would be for the best.”
“You do?”
“Yeah, I do.”
Chapter 8: Joel
She wasn’t supposed to readily agree with me, but before I knew it, Shannon had packed up her things and was gone that evening. I offered to ride back with her and she refused my help. There was something in her eyes that I didn’t understand, but I knew that she was upset with me. I didn’t blame her, I was upset with myself. Never had I thought that I would run from a feeling like I had with her. But I didn’t want my messiness to rub off on her. I knew that things were right since I got back and I had heard stories of what could happen. Waking up standing over her was the wake-up call that I needed. The fact that she left too, made me think that she knew why. The last thing I wanted was for Shannon to be afraid of me.
Shannon hadn’t been though. I still remembered the way her body had submitted to mine. She had been as needy as I was, moaning against me as I climbed on top of her. How could I just walk away from that?
