Xander chuckled mirthlessly. “Yeah? Well I will fight for Holly, arsehole, so step the fuck off.” A tingle ran through me as my heart twirled around and I bloody well believed that statement.
“Seems to me that you’re damaging your reputation with all this, Bowen,” Jason sneered.
“Oh yeah? And how do you figure that?”
“Girls’ll think you’ve gone soft. Whatever game you’re playing with her? Whenever you get bored, things won’t be the same after. Your reputation won’t be the same after.”
The crowd was watching avidly; I could feel the anticipation coming from them like a palpable living thing. They were waiting for the huge bust up, they were waiting for typical Jason-hating Xander Bowen to stop using his words and start using his fists. I got a feeling they’d get what they wanted soon enough.
“Fuck my reputation. I’m not playing any game with Holly, Thomas. And maybe I have gone soft, but at least my girlfriend is a gorgeous, smart, funny, beautiful girl who’s kind to everyone around her, and not some raging hag happy to step on anyone to get ahead.”
Oh my. My immediate reaction was to feel conflicted about Xander ragging on Nancy and I was sad and angry that Jason had picked a fight with my (albeit fake) boyfriend, but I realised that they probably deserved it at that point. And, it had to be said that my heart wouldn’t stop jumping about in excitement over the fact Xander was standing up for me in front of who knew how many kids with nothing but honesty radiating off him. Xander’s reputation had just taken a serious nose dive and, weirdly, he couldn’t have looked more fine with that.
Jason twitched and Xander’s pretend joviality fell.
“You hit me one more time and I will swing back, Thomas. We all remember what happened last time.” Xander’s voice was as cold as his eyes as he rolled his shoulders.
Jason looked like he was going to think twice about it, but obviously his smart brain wasn’t in charge. He lunged for Xander, who was ready for him this time. The two boys fought and I wished I could say that I felt bad for Jason. But honestly, if he was going to use me as some bullshit excuse to fight Xander while avoiding looking at me and acting like anyone wanting to be with me was a mystery, he deserved everything that was coming to him.
Jason got one more good crack to Xander, who stumbled back a little.
“If you hurt her!” Jason snarled and I was done with this stupid display of whose dick was bigger.
I stepped forward. “I am more than capable of looking after myself, Jason. No thanks to you.”
“Doll…” Xander said, concern in his tone.
Jason’s eyes flew to him, narrowing. “I thought only Mark got to call you ‘Doll’?”
“People who love me get to call me ‘Doll’,” I shot back without thinking.
“If he told you he loves you and you believe him, you’re a bigger idiot than I thought you were.” Jason’s eyes were full of hate and anger, and I was willing to bet mine didn’t look much more pleasant.
A fist shot out and smacked him in the face. It took a moment for the pain to kick in for me to realise it was my fist.
Oh. My. God. That hurt like a bitch!
“Ow…” I breathed and felt arms go around me. I would have known they were Xander’s even without the educated guess by how well I fit between them; I drew far too much comfort from just knowing he was with me, but I really didn’t have the mental capacity to do more than appreciate it just then.
“I didn’t realise it was necessary to let the whole school know something that only needed to be between us,” Xander spat at Jason and I could feel how tense he was; my guess was he was super pissed at that point. Whether it was because he blamed Jason for the staccato throbbing in my fingers or for me telling the whole school he was in love with me, I didn’t know.
“Yeah, because the King of the Bows fell in love with her,” Jason sneered and I was highly offended that he made that sound like anyone falling in love with me was unfathomable. Was it ridiculous that anyone could fall in love with me? Had Jason not noticed me all that time because I wasn’t that kind of girl?
Xander’s arms held me tightly. “Just because you didn’t see what you could have had until she’d moved on, doesn’t mean she’s unlovable, you fucker.”
“What?” Jason scoffed. “The man-whore King Douche seriously thinks he’s fallen in love?”
I would have wondered where the Jason I knew had gone, but my hand hurt so. Damn. Bad. And really, I was finding it hard to feel anything but the pulse beating steadily enough for me to dance out a samba to it just then.
“So, what if I have? I don’t see how it’s any business of yours.” Xander leant his head to mine. “You okay?” he whispered, nuzzling my check with his nose, and I nodded against him. Even through the pain, I told myself that wasn’t just warmth and sincerity and something eerily akin to that love that was being thrown around; he was only keeping up appearances. “Want me to hit him some more?”
I gave a weird half-laugh, half-sob and shook my head.
“You sure? I’d do anything you asked, Doll.”
I nodded, tears welling as I gave up trying to tell my heart Xander was just putting on an excellent show. “I’m good, thanks.”
“Bowen! Thomas! And…Holly…?” we heard the voice of the soccer coach.
“Hey, Coach,” Xander said casually, his arms still tightly around me like they could protect me from the world.
“I want to say I know better, but it looks like you lot have been fighting.” Coach paused. “Bowen?”
“Ah, well… Yes. Basically, yes.”
“Who started it?”
Xander sighed as though he was thinking. “You know... I don’t rightly know, sir?”
“Thomas?”
Nothing audible from Jason.
“Holly?”
“I’m fine, Coach,” I squeaked, realising too late I’d answered a question he hadn’t asked out loud.
Coach sighed as well. “Bowen, if you don’t give me anything, I’m going to have to send you all home.”
“Oh, that would be a shame, Coach,” Xander said, barely hiding the sarcasm from his voice. I knew how pissed off he was based on that fact alone.
“And I might bench you next game…”
Xander’s hand tightened on me momentarily, then loosened again. “I don’t know what to tell you, Coach.” I felt him shrug. Guilt hit me, but we all knew we’d fare worse if we started trying to explain anything.
“Right, that’s it. The three of you pack your things and get gone. I don’t want to see you back ‘til next term. Bowen, we’ll discuss any potential benching next practice.”
“Come on, Doll,” Xander whispered to me softly, kept his arm around me and led me away. “I’ll give you a ride home, yeah?”
“Oh my God. I cannot face my dad right now.” The idea filled my veins with ice.
Xander huffed a laugh and kissed my head. “My place is empty.” I heard the unsaid ‘as usual’. “Shall we go hang there for a bit?”
I nodded.
We collected our bags and he bundled me safely into his car, looking far too deeply into my eyes for my usual level of comfort. But, at that moment I was going to allow it. I needed it. And weirdly, I felt like maybe he did, too.
He got in the car and neither of us said anything as he pulled out of the carpark.
I was a tumult of emotion.
On one hand, my heart was moping about all the things Jason had implied, the fact he’d been barely able to look at me, and hadn’t said my name once. After a life-time’s worth of friendship, that was all it came down to? It was incomprehensible that anyone could fall in love with me and, if they did, Jason thought they were wasting their time? I just… God, that hurt worse than my hand.
But then, on the other, my heart couldn’t stop fluttering in excited nervousness. I mean, Xander had said a hell of a lot of things he hadn’t needed to; even to keep up appearances he ha
dn’t needed to say that much. And, he’d sounded like he meant them. No amount of chastising on the part of my brain or pain thanks to Jason could stop my heart obsessing over that. No amount of distracting excitement on the part of my heart could stop my brain wondering how long until it started to admit it wondered if we weren’t just keeping up appearances after all.
I watched the roads and buildings pass by until Xander took my hand. It wasn’t the first time I’d tensed at his touch – but it had been a while – and it wasn’t all because of the ache I was still feeling. His touch was gentle, like he well remembered I’d just thrown my first punch with that hand and it had landed on my ex-best friend’s face.
“It’s okay,” I said as I still stared out the window, my voice a little rougher than I’d intended it to sound. “There’s no one to impress here.”
“Holly, I…” he started, sounding about as sincerely awkward as I’d ever heard him.
But, he didn’t continue and finally he let go on my hand.
When he pulled into his driveway, he was at my door sooner than I’d organised myself to get out. He opened the door for me and I gave him a short smile.
We continued not saying anything until we were in his kitchen and I pulled myself up onto the bar stool.
“What are you doing?” I asked half-heartedly as he rummaged behind me.
He arrived in front of me with a bag of frozen peas and held his hand out. “Here, let me.”
I gave him my sore hand and he ran his fingers gently over my knuckles. The motion stung a little, but even though I flinched I wouldn’t pull away.
“Not bad for your first hit,” he said softly, the smile on his face hesitant like he was trying to bring one out in me.
“Who says it was my first?”
Xander broke into what looked like one of his unbidden grins. “The way you were obviously not expecting it to hurt so much.”
I gave a small smile and looked down. “Yeah, okay.”
He laid the packet of peas on my hand, his other hand holding mine steady at the bottom of the pile.
“Are you okay?” he asked and I looked up to find an oddly vulnerable look on his face.
“I feel like I should be asking you that question.”
He shrugged. “It was hardly my first time.”
I scoffed. “I don’t think you have anything left to do for the first time.”
His gaze flickered between my eyes uncertainly. “There’s at least one thing, but I’m not sure it hasn’t happened while I wasn’t looking…” he whispered.
I looked down again and cleared my throat; there was quite probably only one thing to which that sentence alluded and my brain wanted nothing to do with it. My heart? Well, that little guy was sneaking a shy peek around my ribcage with far too much hope.
“Why didn’t you just hit him back the first time?” I asked. “You could have avoided all…that…”
“All what, babe?” he asked gently.
I swallowed. “Oh you know, the bruising and stuff…” I replied, totally not referring to the bruising and stuff. I wouldn’t have batted an eyelid at Xander whaling on Jason if I’d known I could avoid hearing all that.
He tilted my chin up to face him and those gorgeous cognac eyes pinned me. “He had no right to say any of that, Holly,” he said forcefully. “You are not unlovable. Being with you is not a waste of time. And I will always fight for you.”
“I’m sorry I basically told the whole school you were in love with me…”
He smiled and ran the back of his fingers down my cheek before cupping it. “It’s okay–”
I shook my head and looked at the peas. “It’s not okay, Xander. I mean, there’s keeping up appearances and then there’s–”
“Holly, nothing I said to that git was a lie…”
I huffed a laugh, but I hadn’t really heard him. “He was right. Your reputation is going to tank. I’ve just made it all that much harder for you. Girls will expect more from you. I was supposed to make things easier for you, not worse. I’m sorry, Xander.”
He tilted my head up to look at him and I found his eyes alight with humour and a smile playing at his lips. “Holly…”
“Thank you,” I heard myself saying.
Confusion tinged whatever he found humorous. “For what?”
I shrugged. “Sticking up for me? Fighting for me?” I narrowed my eyes as I looked him over, thinking. “Why didn’t you hit him the first time?”
Xander busied himself with checking my hand. “Because as much as I hate the git, he was your best friend. I know what he means to you.”
My heart felt like it had slammed itself against my ribs in its excitement to get to him and the poor thing was feeling a little stunned. “What?”
Xander shrugged, still not looking at me. “Look I know JT and I have a past, but you and he have a past too. And, I guess I just thought your past with him was more important at the time.”
I bit my lip so I didn’t laugh out loud. “I won’t tell anyone, I promise.”
“Won’t tell them what?” he asked.
“That Xander Bowen, King Douche of all things Bow, is actually capable of thinking of the feelings of someone other than himself and his dick.”
Xander looked up at me quickly, a slight cocky smirk at his lips. “Ah, now. That’s not strictly true…”
“Really? Why is that?”
“Well Doll, because there is only one other person on this planet whose feelings I’m capable of thinking about and, half the time, my cock’s in on that anyway.”
I looked down to hide my smile because we both knew that statement wasn’t strictly true either; he cared about all the Bows. “You’re insane.”
There was a pause and when he spoke his voice was somewhat more serious. “Why did the git think only your brother was allowed to call you ‘doll’?”
I sighed. “I don’t really know. Jason called me ‘doll’…once, I think? I remember being really surprised at him and he never did it again. I never knew why. Maybe he thought I didn’t like it?”
“You let me call you ‘doll’…”
I huffed a small laugh and watched my hand as I stretched it out; it didn’t hurt quite so much anymore and it was feeling less hot. “I let you do a lot of things I wouldn’t let anyone else, Xander.”
“Really, like what?” he asked playfully.
“Well for starters, I let you tease me mercifully. I let you bring out some seriously dubious tendencies in me and…” I stopped.
“And, what?”
I looked up at him slowly. There was something about that afternoon that made me feel more for him than I thought I should, and I didn’t even try to remind myself we were only fake dating. It wasn’t like I’d forgotten, but more that I couldn’t convince myself that absolutely everything we were doing was fake.
He had legitimately stood up for me and, no matter how much he said he didn’t care he’d ruined his reputation, I knew he’d be feeling something about it. The guy was well known for his lack of attachment and he’d just all-but confirmed to half the school that he’d fallen in love with me – I was supposed to be keeping the wolves away, not making them think he was a changed man after all this. And, there was something about that level of commitment to my honour that made me want to do some seriously inadvisable things with him just then.
I tried to work out why my brain was telling my overly excitable heart that it was a terrible idea. I was getting the feeling that even if our dating was fake, whatever friendship we seemed to have found didn’t have to go anywhere. And, I was attracted to him. I was even starting to think that maybe I actually liked him.
“I let you make me think you’re a better man than Jason will ever be,” I said slowly, remembering what I’d said to him the day all this had begun.
His humour turned to surprise, then his eyes softened. “No one thinks I’m a good guy, Holly.”
I shook my head. “
I don’t think you’re a bad guy.”
“I’m shallow. I’m arrogant. I’m rude–”
“You’re kind. You’re sweet. You’re funny. You’re loyal to your friends.”
“I put on a good show, doll.” I didn’t think he sounded like he was even convincing himself there and I wondered why he seemed to be trying so hard to convince me.
“You’ve already shown me more loyalty in less than four weeks than I think Jason has since the third day of reception.”
He cleared his throat like he was embarrassed or something and looked down at my hand, running his fingers over the bruising gently. “What else do you let me do?”
“This…” I said as I took his face in my hands and kissed him before my head talked me out of it. Because I did want to, even if part of me knew it was setting myself up for a world of pain.
He responded instantly, putting his arm around me and bringing us closer together. I melted against him as I wrapped my arms around his neck. And I didn’t worry that I was giving him the wrong message. I didn’t worry that I was giving me the wrong message. I just let myself like the guy for a little while.
Later that night, when I was home again, I watched the clock avidly. At 11:59, I accepted Xander’s friend request. Because there was no way even my brain could keep telling me I didn’t find him charming.
I got a message from him less than a minute later.
Xander Bowen:
Does that mean I won, then?
Holly Aberdeen:
Yeah. You won.
Xander Bowen:
Cool.
Holly Aberdeen:
What? No gloating?
Xander Bowen:
Nah. I didn’t want to ruin it.
I smiled to myself as I replied.
Holly Aberdeen:
Night, Xander.
Xander Bowen:
Night, babe.
Chapter Twenty
Xander Bowen:
What are you doing now?
Holly Aberdeen:
I have literally just landed!!
Keeping Up Appearances Page 21
