“You can’t what?”
“I can’t see more in him?” I didn’t know why that was a question.
Mark looked about as confused as I felt. “Because he is or isn’t a douche?”
“Both?”
“Doll, he’s…” Mark grunted in annoyance as he almost turned away from me.
“Go on. Say it.” I knew what he wanted to say and, well he’d heard me out, it was only fair I heard him out.
He grimaced as though he knew I wouldn’t like what I heard. “He sleeps around, Dolly. He used to hook up with any number of girls at the soccer parties. He’s vulgar, he’s arrogant, he’s a self-entitled wanker. And, that’s just what I see of him three times a week…” He sighed. “I know he’s got this unfailing ability to make you think you’re special–” He paused at my semi-sarcastic frown. “Not that you’re not special… Just… Damnit,” he muttered as he whirled around for a second.
When he turned back to face me, he ran his hand over his mouth before he continued. “I don’t want to see him hurt you the way I’ve seen him hurt a whole bunch of girls before.”
“Pot, meet kettle,” I said to him.
“It’s different, Doll.”
“How, Marco?”
“I’m not the one my little sister’s fallen for.” He stopped and frowned. “Why aren’t you taking this worse?”
I shrugged and dropped onto his bed, tucking my legs under me to sit cross-legged. “You know he’s only slept with five girls?”
Mark blinked. “No. Last count was… Shit. I reckon he was on at least fifteen before I left and that was – what? – almost two years ago.”
I shook my head. “Five.” I even held my hand up in case Mark had forgotten what five looked like.
“Five?”
I nodded. “Five. And he thinks five is a big number, just for the record.”
I couldn’t tell if Mark believed what I was saying or not. “And, what did you say?”
“I told him it was a little underwhelming after the last count which – by the way – is closer to fifty now.”
“Holy fuck!” Mark breathed and I knew I heard awe in his voice. “Fifty?”
I nodded.
“But, he says it’s five?”
I nodded again.
“And, you believe him?”
I shrugged. “I think so. I can call him out on his bullshit, Marco. But, I don’t think he lies to me about the important stuff.”
Mark dropped onto his chair backwards and scooted it towards me. He leant his arms on the back and looked at me carefully. “Doll, he could still be playing you.”
I took a deep breath. “I know. But, I… I think there’s more to him. Or, less…” I frowned, trying to work out exactly what I meant. “Less than the rumours? More to his personality…” I shrugged. “Either way.”
Mark shook his head. “I’m going to need to think about this, Dolly. I just… I don’t know what to think about this.” He checked his watch. “Look, why don’t you come to practice with me? Let me see you two together and I’ll let you know.”
“Let me know what?”
“Well, I assume you want to know if he really likes you or not before you decide if you need to stress about falling for him?”
I shrugged. “Maybe?” I had no idea what I wanted. I just knew I couldn’t do it all on my own anymore.
Dating Xander had been a serious crossing of social lines and there were plenty of people who were already not happy with how things were. Falling for him meant there was definitely no going back.
I didn’t think I wanted to go back anymore – or had anything to go back to – but neither did I want to lose what I had now if I’d read Xander wrong, if he was just really good at keeping up appearances. I couldn’t imagine being cast adrift, completely alone with no one. It was weak and shallow, but it was true.
“Okay. Just answer me one thing. And, let’s keep in mind that a yes or no is more than enough. Have you slept with him?”
“No.”
We looked at each other and I knew he was looking for bullshit. Finally he nodded.
“Okay. Good.”
“When are you leaving?”
“Five minutes ago, preferably.”
He packed up his stuff and I followed him down to the car. I was torn trying to work out if I should give Xander a head’s up that he was supposed to act naturally with me, but also without worrying about repercussions from my big brother. I could think of very few ways of telling Xander anything that wouldn’t make him either back off or overdo it.
In the end, I didn’t tell Xander anything. Mark pulled into the car park and I got out of the car, my eyes already scanning for Xander.
“I’m going to go get changed. If your boyfriend’s in there, I’ll send him out,” Mark said dryly.
“Right. Sure.” I nodded and wandered over to the bleachers that surrounded their oval.
I climbed up a couple of rows and sat down, blowing on my hands to keep them warm. The Saints’ pitch wasn’t well known for its lighting, but the boys made do.
“Hey, what’s up?” I heard Xander’s voice after a while.
I stood up as I looked towards him and smiled. “Hey.”
“I didn’t know you were coming.”
“Neither did I.”
He smiled and held his arms out. I rested mine on his shoulders and let him bunny hop me off the bleachers. I didn’t take my hands from him and he looked down at me half in humour and half in suspicion.
“If your brother murders me, it’s not my fault,” he said.
I grinned. “Understood.”
When I still didn’t let go of him, he frowned. “I’m serious, Doll. I might be a decent player, but Cap’s not going to care if he sees us like this.”
“What if it didn’t matter?”
His frown became surprise. “What if what didn’t matter?”
“Mark.”
“I’ll pull your favourite line now. There’s no one to impress here.” He smiled but it didn’t quite reach his eyes.
As I reached up to him, I replied, “So?”
His eyes softened before he flashed me that split-second grin and I leant up to kiss him.
“Bowen! Less kissing, more jogging!” a voice yelled and we turned to see the club coach with his arms crossed. Mark was behind him, watching us carefully.
“Right, that’s me out.” Xander pressed one last quick kiss to my forehead, then gave me a wink as he started jogging backwards before he turned and joined the rest of the team.
I watched them with their fitness and their drills –not swimming this Monday – my eyes drifting between Mark and Xander.
When the coach called a break, I noticed that Mark kept his distance. But, Xander came over with humour in his eyes.
“So, am I to assume your brother knows about us?” he asked me, one of those unbidden smiles playing at his mouth.
I opened my mouth and closed it again. “I don’t know what you mean.”
Xander looked behind me and nodded slowly. “Well, I mean that he just asked me about you in a less than friendly capacity…?” As his eyes slid back to me, his eyebrow rose in question.
I swallowed. “You and Mark have never really been friends…” I offered weakly.
Xander sucked his teeth, the corner of his lip tipping up. “True. But, I think he was referring to you and me not just being friends?”
God’s sake, Marco! I cursed as I looked up. “Couldn’t tell you why he did that.” And, look, I wasn’t lying; I didn’t know why a guy who knew it was supposed to be fake but that I wasn’t sure anymore how fake it was had decided to just come out and ask Xander what was happening.
“Couldn’t you, now?” Xander asked, climbing the bleachers to look me in the eye.
“No.” I watched him for a second. “Out of curiosity–”
“The truth,” he answered with that weird ability to read my min
d.
I blinked. “The truth?”
He nodded. “Yep.”
“And, what’s the truth?”
“Ah, now. That’s between me and your brother.”
“I’d think I was allowed to know how you felt about me, Xander,” I replied indignantly.
“Do you not already know?”
I breathed in and my heart dropped down to listen enraptured. “Should I?”
He put his finger under my chin so I wouldn’t look away and gave me that smile that made it impossible to even want to look anywhere else. “I told him I think you’re amazing. That I love everything about you, from the fact that you unapologetically don’t let me get away with anything to the fact that you make me smile even when you’re calling me King Douche. I told him I loved hanging out with you in whatever mood you were in. I love that we can insult each other but be having a serious conversation at the same time. I love that we don’t really like the same stuff, but we can share that stuff with each other. I love that you beat me effortlessly at most games despite the fact you have no idea what you’re doing. And, I love that I can tell you things I can’t even tell Rachel and I know you won’t look at me with anything less than that adorable contempt in your eyes.” He was smiling so I knew he wasn’t being entirely serious about the contempt, but still.
“Xand, I don’t–”
He nodded. “I know, Holly.”
I gave him a smile and told my heart to sit back down. I felt like it had started jumping around so excitedly it was about to fall off the bleachers.
“Right, I gotta get back to it. We’ll talk later?” he asked and I nodded.
He gave me that full smile and jogged off.
On the way home, Mark begrudgingly said, “He likes you. Proper likes you. Whether he’s in love with you or not, I dunno. But, you can move onto phase two of the freaking out about falling for him now.”
My heart paused in its little victory dance as it wondered what the hell we were going to do with that information. Somehow, getting the verdict from Mark made it real. Made it maybe like what we were doing had already become real when I wasn’t looking.
But, we didn’t have a world that didn’t care. We had a world that cared too much.
Could I really have fallen for him? Could he really have fallen for me?
Maybe it was just keeping up appearances, after all.
Maybe we were just friends and I’d just forgotten that’s all it was.
Or, I had to stop freaking out because it really was more. I just had no idea how to find the courage to have that conversation with Xander on the off chance that even Mark was wrong.
e
I staggered out of the way as a girl stormed out of a classroom in front of me the next day.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” she yelled and I saw another girl walk out of the same classroom and glare at Xander and me.
“See?” the second girl asked as she pointed at us. She was wearing a ‘Team Bowdeen’ button and the first girl was wearing a ‘Team Thomigan’ button. “They are much more believable and at least they’re not spreading horrible rumours around the school.” She stopped and looked at me. “You’re not spreading horrible rumours around the school, are you?”
“Uh… About what?” I asked her.
“About JT and Nancy.”
I blinked. “Am I supposed to be?”
“See?” second girl asked the first again. “Holly’s still nice!”
Xander grabbed my hand a pulled me away from them with a chuckle.
“You seem more amused this term.”
He shrugged. “It’s more amusing this term.”
“Why?”
“It’s hilariously dramatic,” he snorted.
“You don’t care at all?”
“Babe, if I cared about everything people said about me, do you know where I’d be?”
I shook my head. “No. Where would you be?”
“I wouldn’t have you.”
I frowned at him. “I doubt that very much.”
“I’m serious. Do you remember the things you said to me the day you ran into my arms crying?”
“That’s not quite how–”
“Had I let myself care about any of those words, we wouldn’t be here now.”
“You’re not at all concerned that Year Eights we don’t even know are fighting over our relationship?” I asked him, looking back to where the two girls had now been joined by another girl and guy.
“It’s high school, Doll. Ridiculous bullshit happens. Does it change anything for you?”
I looked back at them for a moment, not sure if it did or not.
“Holly?”
I turned to him. “This isn’t what I expected to happen.”
His eyes softened. “A lot of things have happened lately that I never expected to happen, but I can only control my actions. Do you think anything we do will make them stop gossiping about us? Stop them arguing?”
“Nancy’s going to love this,” I muttered.
“So, what?” Xander said forcefully. “I’m in this one hundred percent, Holly. More than. The team they’re supporting isn’t just something they made up, they got it from somewhere and do you know where that somewhere was?”
I shook my head.
“They got it from us, babe. They got it from seeing us together. You think we’re just that good at keeping up appearances? Or, you think maybe there’s a reason half the school is fighting for us?”
I swallowed hard and my heart felt like it had been dropped on its head. “What?” I heard myself scoff.
Xander opened his mouth, closed it, and sighed. “Just…” He pulled me close and rested his cheek on my head. “We make a good team, Holly.”
And the next few days didn’t get any better. More buttons appeared and more fights broke out. Even more telling than the fights were the silences, the obvious chill between two people when I walked past them. People were actually having stand-offs in the corridor, arguments, people cheered or booed as Xander and I or Jason and Nancy went past.
As I’d predicted, Nancy loved the attention. She flounced past her supporters and threw serious shade to the ‘Team Bowdeen’ kids – seriously, it was ridiculous, but what else was I supposed to call them?
And Jason? He walked along with Nancy like he was some trophy boyfriend. He avoided looking at me and saw through his smile as Nancy fuelled any and every rumour about me through the school.
Of course, the more Nancy loved it, the more Rachel hated it. She and Xander fought. A lot. But, she never left his side, she was seen glaring at anyone with a ‘Team Thomigan’ button to the point I saw a couple of kids actually take them off and throw them away in front of her in legitimate fear. And I would never dare say anything to anyone, but I was pretty sure Rachel looked very self-satisfied by the action.
Xander took it all in his stride, smiling at people who yelled complimentary things to him or told him they were on our team. He did nothing to dispel rumours or settle people down, he just walked around the school with that cool, calm confidence of his. There was more of the old Xander in him, the one I’d believed he was before I’d run into him in the boys’ locker room.
But, I just wasn’t sure if this was just a different kind of keeping up appearances; if it was that mask I got the feeling he wore or if it was proof Xander had always been the guy I’d thought he was and not really the guy I’d fallen for after all.
Chapter Twenty-Five
By lunch on Thursday, things had unsurprisingly not quieted down. I wasn’t sure if it was getting worse or it I was only just finding out about it all. I’d been trying the whole ‘ignore it and it will go away’ thing, but it didn’t seem to be going away.
I stared at my phone and was sure it was a mistake.
You have been added to the group Team Bowdeen.
It didn’t look like a mistake.
A whole bunch of
notifications came through from the new group and I hesitated; did I want to know what was going on in there? No… No, I didn’t. I exited Facebook and put my phone in my pocket just as I heard Mr Burnett’s voice calling me.
I turned and saw him hanging out of his classroom.
“Got a minute?” he asked, looking at me pointedly so I knew I didn’t really have a choice in the matter.
I nodded and hurried through the kids in the corridor. He closed the door behind us and sat on the corner of his desk as he indicated I take a seat, too.
“So, Holly… Some interesting things going on at the moment.”
I cleared my throat and wasn’t sure how to play this. “Uh, in what way?” I asked.
He gave me a look that told me he knew I was being a bit of a dick and he’d really rather I wasn’t.
I tried again. “I don’t really know, to be honest. It all just kind of happened.”
Mr Burnett’s face softened and he nodded. “Okay. Good first step. The buttons, though?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. I honestly don’t know where they’re coming from.”
He nodded again. “And, the rumours?”
“Uh, which ones specifically?”
His eyes widened. “How many are there?”
I scratched the back of my head. “You know, Mr Burnett, I’m not sure you want to know.”
He breathed out heavily. “I’ll be honest, Holly. When I started teaching, I didn’t think it was going to be a walk in the park. But, I can’t say I expected to see a whole school choosing sides over who was dating who.”
“If it helps, I didn’t really expect it to happen either.”
“It’s starting to cause problems, Holly.”
I nodded. “I’ve noticed.”
“Three Year Elevens had a fight this morning in the Art Room. Paint as well as words were thrown. It wasn’t pretty.”
I gave him an apologetic smile. “I don’t know what I can do about it, to be honest. Xander and I have been trying to ignore it. I figured even if we tried to get people to stop, then they’d just keep going.”
“That’s sensible. Which leaves it up to the staff to try to calm it down. Any suggestions?”
Keeping Up Appearances Page 27
