Now that he thought about it, she’d never actually asked how his day was, just said, “I trust your day was fine, as well.”
They shared the same house, same bed, interacted politely enough, but neither knew what happened in the other’s daily activities.
Yet here was Rose, not only asking about his day but listening to what he had to say, digging deeper into the details. He might have once been able to settle for the peaceful coexistence that happened with Annie, but this small conversation with Rose had him longing for more.
The heavy thud of boots sounded on the porch. “That’ll be Uncle Frank,” Rose said, adjusting the baby’s position again. “I forgot to mention, we left plates warming for you both above the stove.”
A long, stressful day and still Rose had time to think about taking care of his needs. True, it wasn’t just him, but Frank, as well. In some ways, Rose had been right about her past. He hadn’t known her to be so considerate as to go out of her way to care for others. It hadn’t mattered to him back then, but he found that now, seeing this side of her, it did, quite a lot.
“I see you’re still up.” Frank poked his head into the parlor.
“Matthew was restless, and Silas just got home himself. I was just telling him that there’s food in the kitchen for you both.”
Silas watched the tenderness flicker across the older man’s face. “Do you want me to take him for you so you can sleep for a bit? I’d like to eat, read my Bible and relax for a while before I go to bed.”
Frank’s face was lined with exhaustion, and though Silas imagined that he probably did read his Bible every night before bed, he knew the offer of taking Matthew was more for Rose’s sake than anything else.
“It’s all right.” Rose yawned again. “He hasn’t wanted anyone but me tonight. I think he senses all the changes and just needs his mama. We’ll sleep here tonight, and it’ll be fine.”
Her eyes fluttered closed, then opened again. “Now you both go eat and leave me in quiet, so I can rest. The children are bound to be up early tomorrow, and Maddie’s already said that she’s needed at the mission again.”
Silas had felt like a heel for not making the same offer Frank had, especially since now she’d for sure not accept. But at least there was something he could do.
“Why don’t you sleep in tomorrow? I’ll get up with the children, and among us, we can figure out breakfast.”
“That’s a fantastic idea,” Frank said. “I don’t have anything in the morning, so I can help. I assume Milly’s in the attic with Nugget, so we can move the rocking chair up to your room so all the noise doesn’t wake you when everyone gets up.”
“That’s very kind, but...” Rose let out a long sigh. “My duty...”
“You’ve done plenty. But you also need your rest. We need you, Rose, but if you’re exhausted, you’re of no use to us.” Frank’s voice was gentle, full of the concern of a father.
“I insist,” Silas added. He might not fully know this new Rose anymore, but surely she was still the stubborn fool who would argue to death when it came to her pride. “You’ve been so good about helping me out and haven’t taken any time for yourself.”
That was one thing that hadn’t changed about Rose. As much as she told people how selfish she was, he’d seen how much she sacrificed herself for the benefit of everyone else. Even in the dim light, he could see the circles under her eyes. Why hadn’t he noticed them before?
Silas walked toward Rose, then held out his arms. “Let me take Matthew. I have a way with him.”
As though she were too exhausted to argue, she gave him the baby, then stood. “Thank you.”
Frank came around and took the chair to carry it to Rose’s room. Rose nodded slowly, trudging past them and up the stairs. Matthew snuggled up to Silas, opened his eyes, then yawned. Silas brushed his hand against the baby’s downy head.
“Why are you giving your mama such a bad time, little fellow?”
Matthew gurgled in response.
Silas turned his attention to Frank. “Don’t bother taking the chair up. Just make sure Rose gets into bed. I’ll keep Matthew tonight.”
For a moment, Frank looked like he wanted to say something, but then he nodded. “She deserves a night of rest.”
The baby stared up at him, wide-eyed. Though his eyes hadn’t yet developed into the same clear blue of Rose’s, his dark hair, porcelain skin and tiny button nose were the very image of his mother.
As Frank went to make sure Rose was settled, Silas watched Matthew watching him. It seemed a shame that the boy would grow up without a father, but as Rose accurately pointed out about Milly’s situation, Matthew had plenty of men to guide him. Still, as their eyes locked, Silas couldn’t help but wish the little boy was his own. He hadn’t been lying when he said he didn’t need a son. But he’d be a perjurer if he had to say he didn’t want the baby in his arms—desperately.
Could Silas and Rose find a way to build on the friendship they had to create a family for both of their children? He pressed a kiss to the top of Matthew’s head.
“I know your mama thinks it’s not enough to marry for less than having it all, but I’m thinking that what we have here is good enough, don’t you, little fellow?”
Matthew scrunched up his face like he was about to start fussing.
“All right, then. You win. I won’t think any more about marriage, especially with your mama, unless it’s the real deal. But I hope you know I’m always going to be there for you.”
His answer seemed to convince the baby, who blew a bubble, then closed his eyes. If only Silas could be so easily satisfied, because as right as his answer was supposed to be, he didn’t like it at all.
Chapter Eight
Rose woke to stillness unlike any she’d ever known. Rolling over in her bed, she reached for Matthew in his cradle. Her hands found only empty space.
Where was her son?
Her heart thudded in her chest as she sat up. She took a deep breath, trying to collect her thoughts. There had to be a reasonable explanation.
Jumping out of bed, Rose realized she was still wearing her clothes from the previous day. She’d been lying on top of her blankets with one of the spare quilts thrown over her. The dim echo of laughter from downstairs sounded against the stillness of her room.
Clearly she’d been more tired than she’d thought.
Had Matthew been fussing and someone... Rose shook her head. She’d have heard him. They’d have woken her.
Nearly tripping over her skirts as she raced down the stairs, questions ran through Rose’s mind. Babies didn’t just disappear out of their beds.
Except Rose couldn’t remember putting him in his bed.
How could she have forgotten to put her son to bed?
And where would she have put him instead?
When she entered the kitchen, time seemed to have stopped, and it was like being in an entirely different place.
Silas sat at the table, bouncing a content Matthew on his lap and spooning something from a bowl into the baby’s mouth. Milly sat next to him, contentedly eating her breakfast.
Liquid dribbled out of Matthew’s mouth, which Silas very efficiently wiped away.
“What are you doing with my baby?” Rose rushed toward him, holding her arms out.
Silas smiled as he gave the baby more of the liquid. “Filling his belly. He was hungry. But he likes his porridge.”
“I’ll say,” Maddie said, closing the back door behind her as she entered the kitchen. “I’ve never seen a little one take to food so quickly. I told you we should have been letting him try it.”
Ignoring the older woman’s chastisement, Rose grabbed her baby out of Silas’s hands. She held him tight against her, pressing kisses against the top of his head.
Then she
glared at Silas. “When he wasn’t in his bed this morning, I had all kinds of horrible thoughts. You can’t just take him. What were you thinking, taking him and not telling me?”
He had the nerve to shrug. “He was with me all night. You were so tired we thought it best to give you a chance to rest.”
Silas stood up and reached out to wipe a stray bit of liquid from Matthew’s face. “And we did just fine, didn’t we?”
Oblivious to the turmoil in his mother’s heart, Matthew giggled.
“But...” Rose blinked. While Matthew had been sleeping through the night, he still woke for an early-morning feeding. Though everyone else seemed oblivious to it, the tightness in her chest reminded her of the pressing need to feed the baby.
“He needs to eat,” Rose said, turning toward the door.
“Oh, he’s eaten plenty,” Silas said, chuckling. “Maddie’s right. This little guy has taken to eating porridge like a horse to fresh pasture.”
“Ma-few eat like piggy!” Milly giggled as she banged on the table. “Me piggy too! More powidge, pwease!”
“I’ll just go take care of him.” She left the kitchen, carrying the baby up to the privacy of her room for feeding.
Despite everyone’s words about how well Matthew had liked his porridge, he had no problem taking another meal. It wasn’t until he’d been firmly snuggled against her for a few minutes that Rose finally felt like she could relax.
Though she knew everyone was just trying to help, Rose couldn’t shake the ache in her heart. Did they all think she wasn’t good enough to be Matthew’s mother? That she couldn’t take care of her own child?
Tears streamed down her face as she looked at the baby contentedly having his second breakfast.
A knock sounded at the door.
“Rose?” Silas called.
“I’m feeding the baby.”
“I know. I’ll stay here. I just wanted to be sure you were all right.”
“I’m fine.” Rose took a deep breath. She knew she sounded peevish, but with the tears still falling, she didn’t need Silas thinking she was anything other than fine.
“I honestly thought I was trying to help. You seemed like you needed your rest.”
His words sounded sincere, but it still felt like an insult that he didn’t think she could manage on her own.
“Please, Rose, don’t be upset. I can hear you sniffling in there.”
Of course he could. Not only were the walls paper-thin, but Silas had always been able to sniff out her tears.
“I can take care of my own son.”
“I know,” Silas said softly. “And I don’t know of anyone who is a more natural mother. But it’s all right to have some help sometimes. I should have asked before interfering. I honestly thought I was doing you a favor. I’m sorry.”
His immediate apology was a balm on her heart. People apologized to her all the time, but it always seemed like they were mostly afraid that if they didn’t, it would only make her angrier. Like they were walking on eggshells. Silas seemed to be genuinely sorry he’d hurt her.
The trouble with forgiving Silas was that there was a part of her that still wondered, as safe as he seemed to her, could she truly trust him? She’d never expected him to break her heart the first time. Was it wrong of her to so easily hand it over now?
No, it wasn’t her heart. Her friendship. She could rely on him as a friend, yes?
Friends did each other favors, right?
Rose wiped at her tears with her free hand. Matthew looked up at her and gave her a sleepy smile.
“I suppose there was no harm done.”
The baby blinked, his dark eyes showing signs of lightening around the edges of his irises. People said that they thought his eyes were going to end up blue like Rose’s, but until now, she hadn’t been able to tell.
Everyone seemed to be a better expert on her son than she was. Like about giving him some of the food they ate. Her family had been saying she should let him try. But something in Rose had resisted.
Maybe she was being silly, but she’d thought it would be her to give Matthew his first taste of real food.
“Then why do you still sound so sad?”
Rose sighed. “I’m sorry. I suppose I don’t like people making decisions about my son without talking to me.”
“You mean like all the times you do things with Milly without asking me?”
She’d deserved that since she often took charge of Milly, and there had been that time when she’d purchased clothes for her that had upset him.
An apology was in order here, but she couldn’t bring herself to say those words again so soon after she’d just done so.
“I...” She stumbled over the words on her tongue.
“I know,” he said quietly. “We both overstep from time to time. But we’re both doing the best we can, so let’s give each other some grace, all right?”
Some of the weight fell off her shoulders, and she looked down at her baby, who’d fallen asleep with a smile on his face, milk dribbling at the corners of his mouth.
“I just don’t want anyone to think I can’t do it on my own.” She hadn’t expected the admission to come out of her mouth, but having spoken it aloud somehow made her feel like she might have the strength to do it.
“You can’t.” His voice sounded as clear as if he’d been sitting in her room. “None of us can, which is why we all have each other. I thought that was the point everyone here keeps trying to make. So why are you so stubborn about understanding it for yourself?”
Because her circumstances were different. God might have forgiven her, but society never let her forget. And with each mistake, they shone the light of judgment on her. They’d said she deserved a baby who fussed all the time, who didn’t sleep, and she knew that as Matthew grew, they’d be watching, looking for signs of his misbehavior to blame on her sin.
Rose closed her eyes to keep more tears from falling. Was she wrong to think that she might someday find a man who would love her as completely as the other men in her life loved their wives? Would there ever be someone who wouldn’t hold her past against her, who wouldn’t want her for her money, or, as in Silas’s case, think her nothing more than the perfect mother for a child?
“Matthew’s asleep. I don’t want the sound of our talking to wake him. The Garretts will be here soon, so I need to put him down so I can get Milly ready.”
She couldn’t see his face on the other side of the door, but she knew it bore an expression of complete exasperation. He expected an answer of her, but she had none to give him. If she shared what was on her heart, she was bound to get the same lecture she’d been hearing from Uncle Frank about her sins being forgiven. Which she already knew and accepted.
It was just the rest of society that couldn’t.
And, like it or not, Rose was a part of society and had to live with the way people treated her. Which meant not letting her guard down, not even for a moment, not even here.
“I’ll take care of it,” Silas finally said. “I’d like to have a few words with them anyway. Frank says you haven’t been to see the baby yet. Why don’t you take advantage of the break to do so?”
Matthew sighed against her. After the momentary worry over his safety, she was loath to put him down. And she certainly wasn’t going to leave him.
“Perhaps this afternoon. I won’t leave Matthew, and—”
“I managed just fine last night.”
“You’ll be busy entertaining the Garretts. I won’t antagonize them by forcing them to deal with Matthew, as well.”
This time, she knew the silence on the other side of the door was because Silas knew she was right.
“They already hate me,” she said. “I don’t want to remind them of one of the reasons why.”
Whi
ch is mostly how she tried to live her life these days. Being helpful, but remaining in the shadows, keeping Matthew out of sight of the most disapproving people and making sure not to stir up trouble. Hopefully by the time Matthew got older, people’s memories of the circumstances of his birth would have faded, and he’d be able to live as an ordinary boy.
“You know their anger is more about them than it is about you, right?”
Rose sighed, then looked out the window, giving her a view of the street. One of the carriages from the Rafferty was rounding the corner.
“The Garretts are almost here. You should prepare Milly.”
“Fine.” Silas sounded resigned, but he knew just as well as she that she’d played a role in angering the Garretts. After all, she’d stolen Silas’s heart when she didn’t have the right to.
“But Rose?” His voice was distorted like he’d turned away but come back again. “This conversation isn’t over, and it will never be over until you understand that you’re a part of this family, and just as you’re here for everyone else, we’re here for you, too.”
Though it was nice that Silas considered himself part of the family, there was so much he still didn’t understand. One more reason why, as much as she accepted that she’d been forgiven by God, the distance between her and her family members told her that she still had a great deal more penance to do.
* * *
Fortunately for Silas, Maddie had already anticipated the need to have Milly ready before the Garretts arrived, and he entered the kitchen just as they knocked on the door. Milly was dressed in one of the new outfits Rose had bought. Silas had to admit, his daughter did look rather pretty, and it was a far sight better than anything he could have chosen.
He’d been wrong to throw that in Rose’s face. His words had hurt her, and he hated the wounded tone in her voice. Back when they lived in Ohio, that tone had been reserved for when her aunt had done something horrible or Rose had been fighting with Mary. She’d never directed it at him before.
For the Sake of the Children Page 10
