“But part of me wonders. When he came back, he wanted to marry me for Milly’s sake. He says he was wrong to assume, but sometimes I think, he’s still thinking in that direction.”
“Has he said anything to give you any indication of those thoughts?”
Rose sighed again, trying to think back to their conversations. “I suppose not. But the way he looks at me sometimes...” Then she shook her head. “I suppose I’m not making it easy for him. I try to talk to him, to be a friend to him. But it’s different. We used to be able to talk about anything, and now it seems harder.”
Then she looked at her sister, hoping Mary would be able to give her some wisdom. Hoping she wasn’t wrong in trusting Mary with pieces of her heart she’d never entrusted to the other woman before. Talking to Mary about Silas was risky, but if she wanted things to be different between them, then she needed to act differently. Maybe if she started trusting and opening up to Mary, Mary would do the same for her.
“Sometimes I think I shouldn’t even be trying to pursue a deep friendship with him. Can a man and woman truly be friends?”
That was the heart of all of her debates over the situation with Silas. Could she offer him her friendship, a gift not easily given, exposing her heart? Would she be able to resist falling in love with him again?
Mary looked thoughtful for a moment. “I think it depends. As an unmarried woman, friendship is how you learn a person’s character and find out if you’re suited for marriage. As a married woman...” She shrugged. “I’m friends with Jasper because he’s married to one of my dearest friends, and he’s my husband’s best friend. But we don’t talk about personal things. The only man I share my heart with is Will. He is my closest friend and the person who knows my heart better than anyone else.”
None of which answered Rose’s question about Silas and their friendship. More importantly, what was safe to risk in a friendship with him.
Seeming to sense Rose’s hesitation, Mary looked at her intently. “I suppose the real question is what you hope to gain from a deep friendship with Silas. If you’re not interested in marrying him, is it fair to engage his heart when someday he’ll offer it to another? And if you are interested in marrying him, then maybe you should just be honest with yourself about it, and see where it leads.”
The question was designed to get Rose thinking about what she wanted. And while Rose could appreciate her sister’s diligence in asking Rose to examine her heart, it didn’t make the task any easier.
“But what if I don’t know what I want?” Then she sighed. “Or if I’m just fooling myself to think that what I want even exists?”
She looked up at Mary, who bore an expression of such deep love and understanding that Rose wished she’d been more willing to talk with her sister before. So many times, she’d been afraid that Mary would think ill of her, but the respect shining in her sister’s eyes told Rose that talking with Mary had done the opposite. Whatever happened between Rose and Silas, Rose and Mary’s relationship would be stronger for it.
Adjusting the baby to free her hand, Mary reached for Rose, pulling her into a side hug that required Rose to lean against her sister. She breathed in Mary’s warm honey scent and snuggled closer. How many times had she envied her younger siblings the fact that they could climb into Mary’s lap and tell her everything?
Mary gave her a squeeze, like having Rose curled up next to her was exactly what she’d wanted. “We pray, dear sister. We pray.”
Tears filled Rose’s eyes. “I’ve always wanted this.”
“Me, too.” Mary scooted slightly, encouraging Rose to cuddle even closer. “But I never knew how to reach out to you.”
Resting her head against her sister’s side, Rose said, “I remember reading in books about sisters snuggled in bed together, sharing each other’s secrets. I used to wish that could be us, but all those years when we shared a bed, we’d just roll over and sleep, barely saying good-night.”
The gentle touch of Mary’s hand rubbing her back gave Rose more comfort than she could remember having. “I wished for that too. Sometimes, I’d lay there, rehearsing what I would say, but then I’d lose heart, and say nothing. I’m sorry I never found the courage to talk to you.”
“It’s all right. I never found the courage, either.” She looked up at her sister, who smiled down at her.
“Yes, you did. Just now. And we’re not ever going to stop doing this, all right?”
Rose laughed, struggling to sit up. “I think your husband might object to my coming over and spending the night with you in his bed.”
“True. But when he’s out of town on cases, you can come over with Matthew and spend the night. Will hates leaving me alone at night, so it’ll be perfect. Not only can we have sister time, but our children will become close friends.”
“I’d like that.” Rose smiled at her sister, and for the first time she could remember, her heart was nearly bursting with love for the other woman, who looked so much like her, yet was so different.
“Now about that boy...” Mary grinned mischievously, and even though the matter of what to do with Silas felt small compared to everything else in her life, after this afternoon with her sister, Rose felt confident that the answer to her Silas troubles would come.
Chapter Ten
Silas started to follow Rose up the stairs, but Will held him back. “Mary wanted some time alone with Rose.”
Though the sisters appeared to be getting along, Silas had seen enough of their fighting over the years. And the way Rose had been tensing up whenever Mary’s name was mentioned lately, being alone with her might not be the best idea right now.
“I think maybe—” As Silas spoke, Will stepped in front of him.
“You’re better off not thinking anything contradictory to my wife’s wishes.” Will grinned, but the look in his eyes was anything but friendly.
“Rose is a little sensitive right now, so I don’t know if now is a good time for Mary to be getting anything off her chest.”
“What’s it to you if Rose is sensitive or not?”
The grin vanished from Will’s face. Though he’d always known Will to be a reasonable man, there was no mistaking the threat.
“I’m not allowed to be concerned for her well-being?”
Silas kept his tone light, knowing that Will had taken on a strong brotherly role when it came to the Stone siblings. But Will’s interest was more in Mary’s comfort, not Rose’s.
“Not when you’ve already broken the lady in question’s heart.”
The words packed a powerful punch, especially since no one, other than Rose, had ever directly confronted him about what he’d done to her. They’d all seemed to quickly forgive and move on.
“She’s forgiven me.”
Will shrugged. “A person can forgive, but it doesn’t mean you get access to her heart to do it again.”
Another punch to the gut, and one Silas supposed he deserved.
“I’m trying to help her.” He took a deep breath. “Look, I know you’re watching out for Mary and want to make her happy, but Rose is fragile right now, and I’m not sure anyone else sees it.”
“So you’re going to protect her?” Will crossed his arms over his chest. “Fine sentiment for a man who romanced a lady while engaged to another. When have you ever protected Rose?”
Another direct hit. “What happened between Rose and me is between Rose and me. I protected her plenty back then. Everyone was so caught up in everything happening to everyone but Rose that her needs got missed. So if I have to be the one to take care of them, then—”
Will shook his head. “I don’t think so. What do you think that tells a woman, you taking up for her? You can’t have it both ways. Either you’re interested in her romantically or you need to take a step back and leave it alone.”
“Just because I’m not interested in her romantically doesn’t mean I can’t care about her.”
“Wrong,” Will said. “If you really care about Rose, then you’ll take a step back and let someone else do the caring about her. Anything else implies a more serious interest, and I will not see her getting hurt again. Rose has been through enough. More than anybody should have to, in my opinion.”
For the first time, Silas saw through the other man’s anger and noticed a deep compassion. Typically Will remained silently on the sidelines, watching over everything and not having much to say. And now Silas understood why. Will was the sentry, standing guard for the family and making sure they were safe.
“Sounds like you may have had this talk a time or two.” Silas grinned at Will, finally understanding what he was up to.
“I might have done.” He looked unapologetic as he shrugged. “I like to make sure the men who come sniffing around the ladies in our family understand that we will not tolerate hearts being trifled with.”
Silas appreciated the protectiveness Will showed toward the women of the family. However, there was one area the other man was blind to. “But you have a vested interest in Mary’s happiness, and I’m not sure that’s always compatible with Rose.”
Will nodded slowly. “I can see where you’re coming from. When I first met them, I would have felt the same way. But things are different now. I may have a vested interest in Mary’s happiness, but it seems that you’re solely focused on Rose.”
Clearly the two of them were standing on opposite sides of the fence. And Silas wasn’t about to budge. Will had been right. Silas had failed to keep Rose’s heart safe. He’d wounded her deeply, and he knew that. Some days he wondered if he could ever forgive himself enough to move on without always feeling responsible for the hurt he’d caused her. Now he had the chance to make things right by protecting her where no one else would.
“If I don’t look out for Rose, who will?”
“Do you really think she needs to be protected from her sister?” Will was just trying to keep Silas from hurting Rose, but the other man was clearly hurt that Silas would imply that Mary would hurt Rose.
“No.” Silas sighed. “I don’t think Mary would intentionally hurt her sister, just like Rose never means to hurt Mary. But they don’t always mix as well as everyone would like to think they do. And as much as Rose tried to make Mary and everyone else happy, she can’t be anyone but who she is.”
Which is what Rose had been doing with him. With Milly. He knew Rose loved Milly, but he also knew—no, not knew, but had just realized—that he wasn’t dealing with the real Rose. No, the Rose he’d been dealing with, had been currently defending, was the woman he’d injured, who carried those deep wounds, but pretended she was fine while bleeding on the inside.
“I’m sorry,” Silas said slowly. “You’re right. I’ve been thinking so much about how hurt Rose has been by Mary, and wanting to protect her that I’d forgotten that I’m likely in the same boat. I did hurt her, and while she and everyone else acts like it’s fine, I’m not sure it is.”
So how did he make it fine? How did he help them get past what he’d done? He could say that he wanted to make it up to her, had been trying to make it up to her, but how did you heal a broken heart?
Will reached forward and patted him on the arm. “And now you’re starting to understand. If it helps, Mary knows things aren’t right between her and Rose, but she wants to make it better. It’s hard, because as you said, Rose pretends everything is fine when it’s not.”
Then he looked at him—hard. “I know you think we’re all blind to it, but we see Rose’s pain. It’s just none of us know what to do about it. Rose blames herself for everything that happened. I suppose she did make some reckless decisions. We all have. Unfortunately for her, the consequences of her actions are more obvious and more long-lasting. I just wish we knew how to make her understand that we all love her just the same.”
Something inside Silas shattered as waves of grief for what he’d done rolled over him. As much as he cared about her and wanted to make things right with Rose, he could never go back to a place where he could love her in such a compassionate way. Will was right. Either Silas had to make the move toward a romantic relationship with her, or he had to let her go.
“I’m sorry,” Silas told Will, taking a step back. “You’re right. For me to make things better with Rose, to make up for the things that have gone wrong between us, it requires a depth of intimacy that means pursuing a relationship with her. If I push any harder at making things right, I have to fully commit to loving her. As a man would love a wife.”
The shattered pieces of Silas’s heart clanged against each other, a cacophonous sound in his head that erased all rational thought. The truth was, Silas couldn’t be that man for her. Mostly because in seeing how he’d wronged her, he’d realized how deeply unworthy he was of winning her heart. He’d had that chance, and though his motives weren’t as ill as everyone would believe, he’d still messed it up.
Silas closed his eyes for a moment, praying that this time he was making the right decision. Then he looked at Will. “I don’t deserve her. I can’t even begin to approach being the kind of man she deserves. My mistakes...”
“Don’t define you.” Will looked at him just as firmly as he had when he’d been questioning him about his motives. “Just as we refuse to allow Rose to be defined by hers, so yours do not make you a bad man.”
Slack-jawed, Silas stared at him. “Then what was all this about you protecting Rose from me?”
“Just making sure you don’t make the same mistake again.”
The trouble with Will’s advice was that Silas had already made so many mistakes. And if he was honest with himself, he wasn’t sure he could claim that he’d be able to steer clear of them in the future. Not when talking with Will was already making him wonder if he hadn’t gone too far in entangling his heart with hers. Because the thought of not having Rose in his life was almost too much to bear. He’d lost her once. He wasn’t sure if he could afford to lose her again.
Fortunately, he was saved from having to give any kind of answer to a man dead set on holding him accountable, because Rose came down the stairs with Mary, carrying a baby. Even without seeing the baby up close, he could tell that she had the same dark hair as her mother, her aunt and her baby cousin. Not shocking, and yet he was surprised by the longing that hit him hard in the gut.
He couldn’t deny wanting Rose, couldn’t deny wanting a family with her. But was it even possible?
* * *
Something was different about Silas, Rose thought as she saw him standing with Will when she came down the stairs. Or maybe it was her and the healing she’d found in her relationship with Mary.
“What are you doing out of bed?” Will said, rushing to his wife’s side.
Mary groaned. “I just had a baby... I’m not dying.” Then she turned to Rose. “You must promise to spend more time with me so he’ll go back to work and stop hovering.”
The simple request twisted Rose’s heart in a way that nearly made tears of gratitude spring to her eyes. Everyone always wanted Rose’s help with the work, but her sister asking for what amounted to emotional support felt...
How could all of her dreams come true so easily?
Silas coughed, and Rose realized there was one dream that wouldn’t come so easy.
A husband. A man to share her life with. It was easy enough to tell everyone she didn’t need one, but when she saw how Will treated Mary, loving and protecting her, the longing in Rose’s heart was almost too much to bear.
Could a man love her like that?
Though she bore no personal shame for her mistakes, too many others would never let her forget. Could a man look at her with the same kind of love Will had for Mary, knowing her past? The men who’d tried to court h
er since her fall from grace all made their lustful intentions known, or they’d made the practicality of a marriage the forefront of the discussion. But none had taken a look inside Rose’s heart and wanted it for his own.
Mary had asked about Silas, and Rose had no answer for her. Did Silas see Rose’s heart? Or was it something else? Memories of a past they could never recapture, Milly’s need for a mother, even Silas’s need for companionship. But those things, they were not enough. Not when she knew that a woman could have all that and more.
The trouble was, how was Rose, who’d demonstrated such poor judgment about men in the past, to know when she’d found it?
“Are you ready to return home?” Silas asked, holding out his arm as though he already knew her answer.
Rose glanced up at Mary to see if Mary was ready to let her leave, and she nodded. “Yes. Thank you.”
One thing that had become clear in Rose’s conversation with her sister was that Rose needed to do a better job of guarding her heart. At least until Rose knew what she wanted out of friendship with Silas.
It wasn’t fair, to him or to her, for her to so freely give her heart when neither of them knew if they had any kind of future together.
She gave him a polite smile, then hugged her sister one last time. Not in a goodbye forever way, but in a way that said they had so much more to look forward to. Then she hugged her brother-in-law goodbye, congratulating him again on little Rosabelle’s birth.
Even hugging Will felt different, like she finally belonged as a part of his family. Mary had been right, she did keep people closed off, and it was time to do things differently. To be brave even when she wasn’t sure she’d receive a favorable response.
Taking Silas’s arm, Rose left the house, feeling like she’d left behind a lot of garbage she hadn’t needed to carry around.
“Is everything all right?” Silas asked once they made their way to the street.
“It’s fine,” Rose said quietly, part of her wishing she could share her joy with him, but the other part questioning the wisdom of letting him become her confidant once again.
For the Sake of the Children Page 13
